A few months ago my LGBT group at work brought in a speaker for a lunchtime event. She was a transexual woman who is in the fairly early stages of transitioning. After the event, in a private conversation, I told her that I am a bisexual crossdresser. She asked if I was comfortable with that, and I hesitated before finally answering Yes. But, I was lost for an explanation as to why I hesitated.

After a couple of weeks of occasional rumination, it finally occurred to me what the issue was. No One had ever asked me that before. It was a completely new thought. But, upon further thought, this is what I figured out:

When I was a kid (pre-teen and somewhat before), I did realize that I was "different". I never wanted to play with dolls or anything like that, but I was completely fascinated by women's clothing and undergarments. I don't remember getting caught wearing anything, but it may have happened because at some point these desires were deeply suppressed. But, even through this, I never felt that I was in the wrong body. Or put another way, I never felt that I was a girl who should grow into womanhood. Anyway, time went on and I went to college, graduated, got married, bought a house, had kids, etc.

Around 1990 I finally began to put some effort into understanding my spin on sexuality. It seemed to me that I was gay and I settled into that thought process. After 7-8 years, it occurred to me that bisexuality represented a much better fit for how I viewed things. As I settled into that, it felt better still. Along about 2001 I started underdressing a bit and over time, one thing led to another. I realized that I liked the sensation of being dressed and it reminded me of how I felt as a kid about various soft and wonderfully sensuous materials. As I dressed more, it felt like this was the missing piece.

So, that's the chronology and what I learned was that at each stage I felt more and more comfortable. I still don't have any real desire to transition as that wouldn't really be "me". But, every time I fully dress, I do recognize that there is something that happens in the process as I'm doing makeup. It's like I'm unlocking this other part of me. I don't have to be DeeAnn all the time, but it is important that I am DeeAnn some of the time. As the man said: Everything in moderation.

And yes, I am comfortable with where things are for me. I recognize that I am a transgender person and that's OK. I am good with this skin and don't desire to be in another. Further, I wouldn't so much describe it as a journey. It is more like a meandering. There are thresholds to cross, forks in the road to be selected and there are decisions to be made. Some I have sought out; others happen on their own timetable. I just try to stay relaxed and figure it out as it comes.