Getting extremely frustrated with crossdressing

[mikeyp]

You've probably seen me post here before, but I'm just becoming more and more frustrated with myself.

Sorry if this seems a bit too explicit but about a year ago I discovered part of my sexuality. I hadn't masturbated until I was 21, ever. Life wasn't the greatest, but I can say without hesitation that without masturbating, it was MUCH better than it is now.

All of my life I was a fat kid, bullied, abused by parents at a young age, lacking confidence, etc. At 19 years old I managed to lose a lot of weight, not enough to classify me as "normal weight", but a pretty normal adult male weight. It was euphoric, I felt attractive for the first time ever and women actually wanted to talk to me. The problem was, I was and still am extremely awkward and shy. I tend to attract women fairly easily, but I lack the skills to keep them around for long. My self confidence is so low that I won't even think of talking to a girl I'm attracted to because the rejection literally makes me contemplate suicide,

My fetishes have always been present and have been shameful since their discovery at age 12, where I had an "accidental orgasm". I know they won't go away completely, but I've also witnessed them "develop" over the course of a year to the point where everything turns me on and I can't get any work done, my OCD and Anxiety are at an all time high, which are admittedly due to several factors, but above all, I want to have a girlfriend someday and eventually become a father. I clearly have many other issues to work with.

A lot of it is trying to figure out where the hell I fit, BDSM, trans, etc. I've come to realize though that "figuring things out" has fed into my crippling mental illnesses, mainly OCD, which causes me to "self check" for arousal at all times of the day. I went to a wedding last night and seeing the chicks dressed like that was an immense turn on for me. Not only because of the "girlyness", but because I just wanted sex.

One thing's for certain, I've changed negatively over the past year. I've told my mother, brother, father, etc about it, they didn't really seem to care and laughed it off, but I still care. I'm not really sure what to do now. While there's clearly nothing wrong with crossdressing, and it shouldn't be something that needs "curing", there is something wrong in my mind to the sexual addiction and fixation I've associated with crossdressing that needs to be addressed, something that probably stems deeper than what I can even comprehend. I want to be able to stop focusing on the "why" and start focusing more on the "what now?".

I know myself well enough I suppose, but not this time. My life has been plagued with fixations, whether it be irrational fears such as accidentally harming myself or my loved ones, becoming a pedophile and avoiding children, becoming a serial killer, etc. Then there have been multiple addictions which drew me away from the world like video games, alcohol, etc. I know that no matter how much you love something, if it's taking away from your well being and leaving you isolated, it's better to leave it.

Only now am I starting to see that with every fixation I've ever had, there HAS to be some sort of deeper issue. Ideally, I'd like to be able to crossdress, get my sexual gratification and think nothing more about it, but it just feels so damn good that my mind almost feels "conditioned" to it, whereas the urge wasn't AS strong when I first started.

Sorry for the weird paragraphs, just in a really dark place right now.