Post-op

[PaulaQ]

I talked with Dr. Bowers today. I'll need a revision, so in a few months, I'll have to travel to California again. This time I'll probably go alone.

I'm depressed about this far more than I really should be. I had horrible dysphoric nightmares last night. I have had a couple of episodes that remind me a lot of how I felt two and a half years ago. I'm trying to fight this - it can't possibly be as bad as it was back then, but having the feelings come back after being absent for three months was a nasty surprise.

With all the pain and other complications I had from the original surgery, I'm really worried about the revision, although I know it's minor. I really needed this to be over with. I'm pretty crushed that it isn't. I dread having another procedure done, but I feel even worse about things not being right with my vagina. I'm also really worried I won't be able to achieve orgasms even after the revision. I know the odds are it'll be fine, but my experience so far has been very different than what I was lead to expect.

I feel a lot of shame about this. I know that doesn't make sense.

I'm also afraid about keeping my relationship going with no sex for another half year, or how I'll feel about sex if I keep doing what I can to make him happy, but deriving little pleasure from it myself. I don't think we'll make it, frankly. The idea of no sex for another half year is pretty depressing to me too - I have a high sex drive, and not much I can do about it for a while. It's really frustrating.

Mostly, though, I feel shame, like I've failed somehow, like I'm a fraud.

I don't feel like I can talk about this locally. As my boyfriend points out, I'm a leader I have to show strength. But pretending to be happy when I'm scared and feel terrible is a lot like the way I used to live.