my body tells me

[Marcelle]

Hi Pam,

I can't say I relate either. I was always active as a young dude, baseball, hockey (okay . . . not very good at these things but still enjoyed them). That only increased when I joined the military and fitness became a requirement and then a lifestyle, played rugby, got into sky diving and the list goes on. However, while I was very team oriented I never really connected with men. Oh, I could play the fake "see the game last night" chit chat but there was no deep bond where I felt I truly belonged. It all felt kind of contrived and fake. Funny thing is that once I let "him" go and allowed "her" to be, I have a deeper bond with all my friends male and female. I don't get "men" any better then I did but then again who really gets anyone (unless you are a mind reader). I can say I find more common ground in discussion with women then I do with men.

Clothes, cars and other trappings . . . they are what they are. I wear clothes appropriate for the occasion. If I am in a professional setting I am more likely to dress professionally, if I am just hanging . . . comfy clothes and the current heat . . . shorts and a top.

The whole damned thing gets real, real, once your on an HRT regimen. I have to say that my perspective prior to HRT was completely different than it is now. Don't really care what I'm wearing anymore, they're just clothes. I find it very interesting that I am mellower, happier and more at peace. But I am also finding that I had some sort of fetishistic relationship with the affectations of female life. Couldn't seem to care less now. I think that maybe it's the moment of truth for many people. The loss of libido and the entire change in perspective really makes you think. I suspect it's why some get on the juice and then can't get off fast enough finally understanding that they are in fact, just a highly fetishistic CD, and others obviously discover their true selves. But there is simply no way to share with someone who's not taking them just what a profound effect it has on your whole perspective and psyche. I think Pam will find a lot of her accepted ideals will morph and change once she gets on the HRT. Mine sure have and it's been a real trip. It's been very interesting to experience what I thought as being concrete, melting away now.

Jentay,

I have no frame of reference for what HRT would do for me and I can only understand from what I have read here from others. I have actively chosen not to undergo HRT (my decision and I owe nobody an explanation) but things are very real for me so I am not sure what you refer to. I don't consider myself a fetishistic CDer and even without HRT clothes are clothes, activities are activities and being at peace with being me is what it is to be me. Being who I need to be is more important to me (note folks I said "to me"). Would HRT give me profound psyche shift? Can't say and never will know. However, I do take exception when people imply irrespective of the intent, that somehow people like myself will never know what it truly means to be trans because we are not in the HRT club. I live my life authentically as a woman, I am comfortable in my skin . . . for me (again folks . . . I said me) HRT would not improve that to any extent.

Cheers

Marcelle