I think I had a bit of an insight a few days ago and I wonder if it is relevant to anyone else out there.
I first put on female clothes t the age of 9 or 10 and I guess I may have been drawn to them much earlier. I’m also neuro-diverse (DCD & possible ASD). Being in my 60’s now, none of these things were acceptable when I was a child. I don’t know how much my parents knew but I recall how, when I first got a steady girlfriend, my father told me how relieved he was because he had thought I was going to “let my family down” (let the reader understand). Meanwhile at school I was called lazy and constantly told I “could do better” and “must try harder”. I was beaten at home and bullied at school and never felt safe.
All my life I’ve suffered from anxiety and been afraid.
When I was in my early 20’s I discovered I had an extremely high IQ.
A few days ago I realised that part of the fear and anxiety I am carrying is, in fact, grief. Grief for a life I could have had (perhaps should have had) but never did. I can’t help thinking that had I been born today I would have received so much more understanding. I’d have been diagnosed young instead of much later and given the help at school I needed to thrive. I could have gone to university. I could have been bought clothes, dressed at home, maybe even transitioned.
In fact my life today is good. I love my wife and she loves me. She knows all about me and accepts and supports me fully. I am grateful for the life I have now. But I still grieve for the life (perhaps the fantasy of a life) I could have had. Does anyone understand this?
