I realised I'm genderfluid

[Tomi]

Hi Girls,

It's been a while since I posted here, but my last couple of months was a wild ride with a whole lot of realizations about myself and my past which lead to me finally accepting that I'm on the trans spectrum. It's a long story so I don't want to go into detail but the bottom line is that all this time the last 8 years since I started my crossdressing jurney, I thought that this is just a way for me to escape from problems. That because I was humiliated in my menhood multiple times in my childhood resulted into me believing that only a women can be confident and self loving. And after my father passed 8 years ago helped this feeling to resurface and that's when I started to crossdress as a coping mechanism for years. Basically that's the tldr story of my last 8 years :D

But in the last couple of months with the help of therapy, I slowly came the realization that when I'm good with myself and confident and starting to heal my childhood wounds, the girly side seems to stay. I crossdress less often than I used to be, and when I crossdress it's more for the joy of wearing women's clothes rather than quick sexual graticifation for easing stress and trauma.

And I came to the conlcusion that if my girly side is more than just about fetish and stress relief than it deserves to be treated more than "just a girly side" which can be tossed aside and pull back when needed. And in a cathartic moment I stopped calling it "my girly side"...Because I'm not girly...I'm A girl...I'm A woman.

I feared this realization secretly for 8 years. "What if I'm trans?" "What if I want to transition?" "I love my wife and my kids, I don't want to lose them"

But I also new that I'm a man. And my manhood hasn't suddenly vanished after I allowed myself to be a woman. I am a man and I love to be a man. But when I crossdress I don't "act like a woman", I crossdress because in that moment I am a woman. And that's when I knew that I'm not a man, nor a trans woman. I'm gender fluid. And everything suddenly starting to make sense. All my life I loved to hang around girls just as much I loved hang around boys and so organically I always satisfied my womanhood with girl friends so I never needed to crossdress. But after I lost my father and became a father myself in the same year and the fact that I wasn't part of girl groups for years at that point, so the woman inside me couldn't hide any longer and "forced me" to crossdress, to let her out just a little. But I always separated her in my mind and put her in a box labelled "just a fetish".

But that's over because when I allowed myself to think of me as a woman I invited her into my life and integrated her into me. So I'm whole now fluctuating between the two genders on a representation level, mostly as man, somtimes as woman, but on the inside I'm both of them, all the time.

Sorry for the long rambling it just good to share this

Cheers,
Tomi, which is my real name btw but I like that it kind of has a girly ring too so I'm sticking to it