I have spent many many years in the dark. Who am I really? What am I really? I have been actively CDing in prvate for 12 years, passively (bare minimums) a lot longer. I did not struggle with shame or morality issues. I really liked it and saw nothing wrong with it, though I would not push it in public.

More recently I have been examining what this is all about for me. This site, looking at the various threads on liking being a guy, liking being a woman etc. have helped greatly, as had the support and encouragement I get from Louise.

As a kid I was nerdy, shy, intraverted, afraid of girls. Growing up in a remote location didn't help. It took me 40 years to grow out of that. The first aricle of clothing I ever pruchased for myself was by mail order as a teenager, sexy mens underwear. I never struggled with gender identity back then. No 'am I male / am I female' dilemma. I was male be definition, there was nothing to think about. But so lonely.

I am now beginning to understand what was going on. The confines of the male role just WERE NOT WORKING FO ME. I could not relate to girls - after all they were the OPPOSITE sex. (sidebar - I get such a thrill seeing my kids have guy friends and gal friends without sexual inuendo these days.) I did not relate to boys: physical, crude, macho.

Then life happened. College, work, marriage, family... I got on with it. A girl left her white fur jacket at my house after a party when I was 21. I returned it to the store where she worked the next day - not carrying it in my hand, but wearing it over my sholders! She wasn't there but I saw this REALLY CUTE girl there. I guess she thought I was cute too, even with the jacket. Apparently she decided there and then that she would marry me. That was Louise - maybe she should have seen the writing on the wall.

If you have read our posts you know that Louise transcended the barrier of struggle vs enthusiasm of my CDing a few months ago. For the first time in my life I was free to think for myself about this phenomenon. I reflect on what might have been different had I been able to be genderless (or genderfull - new word, alert webster). It would have been exciting to be able to associate with and relate to people without the gender barriers. I now believe that the gender barrier wall blocked me from relating to people in virtually ANY other way. I never got past the door. Its lonely in there.

It took about 20 years in the real world to LEARN how to relate to people. (Louise is a good coach.) To not be afraid of speaking up. To stand proud. To be an individual. Old habits die hard, and it is still a work in progress. But when the walls come down, the sun shines in, and it is a beautiful world.

So to borrow a line from an old movie, "I am not an animal! I am a human being!" I am transgendered. I am proud of who I am, what I do in this world, what I do for this world and how I present to this world. I reject gender identity as anything but a physical representation of body form. I don't want to be male of female. I will be me. I look forward to exploring that (me) more and more for the rest of my life.

It's not about the clothes (for me, your milage may vary) but one does need to wear clothes. I would like to wake up each day and open the closet to pick a style that fits my mood. pants skirt shirt or blouse, makeup or not. The ultimate unisex wardrobe. And then get on with life.

Well thats my story and I'm sticking to it. Long post. Thank you for your patience.