What Now ????

[Katie Ashe]

As some of you know my life is in the crapper. I was told by my family don't BOTHER comin' over any more. I now have only 5 people out of my whole family that will talk to be, sorta. Dawn was told by her family moments ago, we all are cut off from the family, cause Dawn won't leave me. She just lost all of her family, I mean ALL. So What Now ???? I responded to the thread do you regret coming out, I said yes. I'm in such pain and hurt right now, when the does it get better? We are looking to move, and try to start over, it's not like I have a job or anything else here except Tana, she is 15 and our only friend. She loves us unconditionally. I'm probly an extreme case where everything is lost for being Fem. Why does being a transexual suck so bad and are so hated?

We as a family

[Julie York]

I really seriously want to say something uplifting and useful. It's difficult to think of anything that would be uplifting without being some sickening cliche. And it's difficult to say anything useful because....you probably know all the solutions yourself.




Oh look over there!







(feet running off into distance)

[MJ]

no matter were you go you will get some sort of rejection.. i have one sister left .. thats it .. but you must be true to your self , you will find new real sincere stable friends

[Ðarissa]

Well that sucks. I can't imagine family doing that to me and I certainly wouldn't tell any of my family to 'don't BOTHER comin' over any more'. That's just soooo wrong. Maybe you need to get away from them, unfortunately. I hope you can pick yourself up and get on with life. Things gotta get better for you, I can only hope.

[charlie]

As some of you know my life is in the crapper. I was told by my family don't BOTHER comin' over any more. I now have only 5 people out of my whole family that will talk to be, sorta. Dawn was told by her family moments ago, we all are cut off from the family, cause Dawn won't leave me. She just lost all of her family, I mean ALL. So What Now ???? I responded to the thread do you regret coming out, I said yes. I'm in such pain and hurt right now, when the does it get better? We are looking to move, and try to start over, it's not like I have a job or anything else here except Tana, she is 15 and our only friend. She loves us unconditionally. I'm probly an extreme case where everything is lost for being Fem. Why does being a transexual suck so bad and are so hated?

We as a family

Wow Katie, what a horrible story. Unfortunately I think a lot of us are in the same place that you are if we get "found out". The world is not a forgiving place for someone that is different. Unlike what most the members are writing, perhaps you could go to your Pastor, tell him or her what has happened and then tell your family you are dealing with the addiction of dressing. You could then tell the 5 members left that you are dealing with the addiction dressing. Good luck

[Katie Ashe]

Thanks. Dawn druged herself to sleep again. I'm not religous, I was outcast by them years ago. My whole family knows I'm Katie, they just don't want to deal with it. I have accept I'll always be alone, but it doesn't have to hurt this darn bad. The upside I'll have more to spend on my kids for X-Mas, cause there is no one else . I swear there should be a book or something warning people like us, what could happen and most likely will I'm sure it would scare some of us straight. Look, I'm just bummed out and for 3 years now it's hasn't been very pleasant at all, and seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I some times I wonder should I even write here. But you guys are the only ones that I can even come close to relate to, and some write back with open heart concerns. I do see my gender therapist often, and hardly feel better after I leave, she is at lost for words lately. I used to get mad, that only made things worse, I now I cry, that just waste my makeup, and I still can't look myself in the mirror either way. For all those out there whom hate GLBTQ's, I your kids turn out to be just like us

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Sorry things have not turned out well for you. I wouldn't know how to deal with rejection from my family. I hope things eventually will get better for you. Jocelyn

[AmandaM]

I am really sorry. It happened to me too. I say, f*** 'em. It's kind a like you are <insert race> in a town full of <insert race> bigots. I learned that I do not associate with that type anymore if they don't accept me, I'll stick to my own. I have to. I cannot change. I can't make myself be Sylvester Stallone if it ain't inside me. There ARE many enlightened people. It takes time to find them. Consider this the rocky beginning of the road to enlightenment. And while you are looking, we're here for ya.

[faltenrock]

I feel very sorry. I've had very bad times in my life as well, look positive and start some change. Things will improve, if I were you, I'd move to a new place, that's more open towards transgender, TS and CD. Good luck for you and be optimistic

[My Lady Marsea]

Awww Girl my heart goes out to you I had rejections myself over the last 6 months since coming out and going 7/24. Although not the cause, just the last nail in my coffin, I'm in the middle of waitin' for a divorce to grind through the courts. I have totaly accepted myself for the happy person who loves herself totaly and don't need or want ppl in my new life whom I make feel "uncomfortable". Honestly Girl, for every rejection you will start finding a hundred sincere acceptances. Most of these will be people who have never known you in your other life and if they accept you on your terms right at the get go,that is worth all the others you've known who did not. Start trying to contact some of us here that are in your area. I'd drive a hundred miles right now if you are near me to just show moral support. If being "you" is number one priority then don't let others dictate how "you" are to be. You've got your SO I assume and that's a biggie. I found I had soooo much support when first coming out but once some people reached "their" support ceiling I was dropped because "my" support ceiling was much higher than theirs. Hey, their loss, I'm movin' on. Hang in there and continue to just be "you". It'll work out if you truly want it to.

[MJ]

Thanks. Dawn druged herself to sleep again. I'm not religous, I was outcast by them years ago. My whole family knows I'm Katie,

they just don't want to deal with it. I have accept I'll always be alone,

but it doesn't have to hurt this darn bad. The upside I'll have more to spend on my kids for X-Mas, cause there is no one else .

I swear there should be a book or something warning people like us, what could happen and most likely will I'm sure it would scare some of us straight.

Look, I'm just bummed out and for 3 years now it's hasn't been very pleasant at all, and seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I some times I wonder should I even write here. But you guys are the only ones that I can even come close to relate to, and some write back with open heart concerns. I do see my gender therapist often, and hardly feel better after I leave, she is at lost for words lately. I used to get mad, that only made things worse, I now I cry, that just waste my makeup, and I still can't look myself in the mirror either way.

For all those out there whom hate GLBTQ's, I your kids turn out to be just like us

they just don't want to deal with it. I have accept I'll always be alone,

you are not alone , life is what you make it .. there are good wonderful people out there .. you just have to find them.

I swear there should be a book or something warning people like us, what could happen and most likely will I'm sure it would scare some of us straight.

it won't but it will help us understand what to expect

.

For all those out there whom hate GLBTQ's, I your kids turn out to be just like us

i would not wish this on anybody .. understanding and acceptance is the key

[SarahLynn]

Damn Damn, And double Damn again.


I do have to wonder is this a result of your families religion (Amish, etc.) or just a decision made by the whole group? If it is you are in a pickle sweetheart and likely there isn't a cure but if not there is still a chance for recconciliation.

Katie the only thing i can say about your misfortune is this; many, many times family comes to terms with one who is different over time. Maybe it's because they feel a loss within the family or maybe it's just a result of time healing but usually they judge and then find themselves not worthy of their own judgement. My oldest brother has alianiated most of my family (except our mother who has since passed away) including me. i even told him the five (5) most hurtfull words in the vocabulary i can or could think of: I don't care about you. And i admit, at the time i didn't. I held out for nearly 6 years but realized i was leaving something out of my life. I still get exasbrated with him but we now have an understanding. It's been a learning process for him and me and the rest. Time is on your side in this.

Now for my bit of advice. Share with your family and with Dawns every chance you can. At least weekly or more often. But don't share fully. What i mean is, write and tell them of changes in your lives and the childrens lives (school plays, ball teams, dressing up for halloween, Christmas, etc., showing that nothing has changed, only their attitude. But don't share pictures or other things like that. Make the letters, real letters, (snail mail) so that it seems you are as far away as the otherside of the world, and may come home sometime. Do not tell them how much you miss them (it will sound like whinning) instead just express that you wish they could be there to share in this growing (the childrens) situtation. Let them know that it is their loss not yours. They're missing out in the grandchildren's lives, not them missing (even thuogh you know they are) their grandparents or aunts and uncles etc. You might even have the children write to them (dictating the letter if you must) telling the grandparents how much they were missed by the children at a recitial, ball game, Ballet lesson, etc.. Be sure to have them include such words as "pretty new dress, pink ribbons in my hair, admiration of the teachers, and so on. Things to tug at the heart strings of grandmothers, for they are the ones who will change the hearts of the men.

SarahLynn

[Sinthia]

[SIZE="2"]Katie . . . You cannot judge a book by its cover, or a man by the dress he wears. If your family, and your wife's family disown you both because of your crossdressing, it shows how shallow they are. No matter how obnoxious a person is, someone can always find nice things about that person. To bad some of your relatives don't look for your fine points. Kadoos to your wife for sticking up for you and not buckling to her family on this. The world needs more people like her. Standing up to biased people.[/SIZE]

[Daintre]

Katie, both you and your wife have my deepest sympathy for having to put up with all you both have been through. I wish I had solutions to your problems, I really do, as I hate to see the suffering you two are going through. All I can do is listen and say that we are no substitute for your family, but I hope we can show you that we do care for the two of you.

[CharleneCD]

Katie, my sympathies to you. It has got to be tough. I know many will just say screw em, but that only works so well. My father and I have been on the outs for several years now (nothing to do with my CDing) and as much as I just want to give up on him entirely for how much hurt he has caused..... Its hard. He is still my father. Flesh and blood you can say. Its always going to cause me pain no matter how long I live. But I must be true to myself. Yes there is pain, but to continue to allow him cause me new pain, or to drop my priciples is something I cannnot do.

In your case it is my guess that stopping your dressing and going over to their ways would not work. If they are so petty as to ban you from the family, they will be petty enough to throw it in your face every now and again. Couple that with the problems you may have suppresing your fem side and it becomes a recipe for your misery. So neither decision is pain free. You just have to decide what works best for you.

[DonnaT]

Sorry things are going so bad Katie.

I remember when my future in laws rejected me based on my religion. I told my SO, "well, I'm not marrying them, so who cares!?"

I don't need others to find happiness. I am my own person. I have my own immediate family, and am not required to please anyone else in the family. If anyone has a problem with me or my wife, it's their problem, not mine.

You can only be hurt if you let yourself be hurt. And really, do you need to be around people that want to hurt you, want to control you and don't give a damn about your or your wife's feelings? I wouldn't. I'd tell them to f**k off.

Sure there may be a sense of loss, but if you put them out of your mind and get on with your life, that sense of loss will fade.

[Sharon]

I sympathize with you, Katie. My heart goes out to you because I fully understand what you are going through.

Just hang in there, be happy that Dawn is standing by you, and hope that everyone else comes to understand some day that this is not a willful act that you are doing. If not, it's their loss as much as it is yours.

[Kris]

Thanks. Dawn druged herself to sleep again. I'm not religous, I was outcast by them years ago. My whole family knows I'm Katie, they just don't want to deal with it. I have accept I'll always be alone, but it doesn't have to hurt this darn bad. The upside I'll have more to spend on my kids for X-Mas, cause there is no one else . I swear there should be a book or something warning people like us, what could happen and most likely will I'm sure it would scare some of us straight. Look, I'm just bummed out and for 3 years now it's hasn't been very pleasant at all, and seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I some times I wonder should I even write here. But you guys are the only ones that I can even come close to relate to, and some write back with open heart concerns. I do see my gender therapist often, and hardly feel better after I leave, she is at lost for words lately. I used to get mad, that only made things worse, I now I cry, that just waste my makeup, and I still can't look myself in the mirror either way. For all those out there whom hate GLBTQ's, I your kids turn out to be just like us

Kate,
Your situation sounds so sad... and I am sorry that you are going through this pain. I do have to say that with every feeling, it will end.. there will be some not closure but conclusion. Also.. this may just be a huge shock to family and they might just sit with it for a while and decide that it's not so bad....... when they see that Christmas is going to be lonely without you and your family...
Tears are your bodies way to wash out the pain poison that hurts you so badly when you are hurt....... they do more than waste make up. Give your wife a huge hug..... do something special...... and know that you both will make it through this and find a family that loves you unconditionally.. and that's really what family is.

Kris

[sterling12]

What's really, really ,really, really, important is what you are going to do with the rest of your life!

So you can't control what other people think about you, and you perceive that they don't love you. OK, time to go out and make a new life. Find people that you can associate with, find a new way of being and doing.

It's a classic thought I once read: "The Family gives a great deal, but they also take a great deal away." Yes, you can receive security, and a form of family love, but often to receive those things, The Family asks you to give up your individuality, and requires your conformity to their "way of life."

Since your not getting what you want from your current sources, time to move on to other things. You can't change anything that is in the past, so you and your good lady need to move on and make your life's better.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Vaerise]

So sorry to hear this, I'm sure it must have hurt like hell on the inside, but unfortunately thats the way the world sees us.

I think its pretty much the same wherever we go. We don't have anyone other than those who can accept you and those who are in the same boat.

It is a pity that our own family members have trouble accepting us, but it is also them who chose to disown us based on their set values and their general ignorance of the issue.

Perhaps life is better off w/o them... it hurts, but we have to move on. We can't be hold back by their lack of understanding and prejudice.

[Casandra Carrington]

A family is a group of people who love and care for eachother...even though this now hurts in time the pain will ease...you still have eachother and that is a wonderful start...and the brightside to moving away is you can pick a place and live on your own terms and nobody will have any preconcieved notions of who you are...and this will give you a chance to create your own family....all but my mom,dad and grandmother wrote me off and they are long since gone now but the family I have made for myself from my friends I have collected through the years will more than fill my dinner table and I know they love me for WHO I am....and from what I can see you have a great start right here in this group....these are some wonderful people....and your in my thoughts...good luck

[docrobbysherry]

A family is a group of people who love and care for eachother...even though this now hurts in time the pain will ease...you still have eachother and that is a wonderful start...and the brightside to moving away is you can pick a place and live on your own terms and nobody will have any preconcieved notions of who you are...and this will give you a chance to create your own family....

Altough I can't think of anything to say that will stop your pain, I think Casandra has the rite idea. So many of us have to face some situations similar to what u r going thru, all on our own. It sounds like u have a loving wife and kids. A basis for a new start somewhere. And u have the support and best wishes from EVERYONE at this site! Rather than spout a lot of trite sayings, I just hope u will count your blessings and not your burdens. Please move forward and upward. I feel sure u will find a better life because u seem so honest, caring and sincere! We understand your suffering and wish we could help it stop!
RS

[Bernice]

I think rejection occurs for lots of trivial reasons, not just ignorance about crossdressing or transgenderism. My younger brother, victim of violent assault and traumatic brain injury, has taken his frustration out on the rest of the family, by moving away, leaving only a PO box for contact, and failing to respond to any letters (or even a misguided check for $1500). He has talked to nobody I know including his mother in over a year. She is in the final years of her life, and at this rate, she just might cut him out of the will, just as I have designated another alternate beneficiary on my life insurance. Harsh? Not to my way of thinking. He chooses to have no contact. I have to accept his decision. He also has to accept his decision and its consequences. So, in self defense, I choose not to care about him anymore. Obviously I don't forget, and clearly I do not forgive, but then I really have not been given an opportunity to forgive, so I feel no guilt whatsoever.

I do not reveal to my mother that I never outgrew crossdressing, as she always envisioned. I let her believe what she needs to believe, her own custom version of the way she thinks things ought to be.

We have to go on living our lives. We are who we are, and we cannot force other people to change. We can fail to accept it and be miserable, or we can accept the failings of other people, and find our own happiness in other pursuits. Thankfully, we do have this choice.

[Jennaie]

We all make decisions that sometimes alienate us from those we feel close to. You have someone who loves you and you will find others who will love you as well. Be yourself and love yourself.

[Zee]

I am terribly heart broken over your loss. Family means a lot to a lot of people.

I don't know if it is any consolation, but I too was ostricized by my family; cut off and left to dry. Not because I am a cross dresser, but because of other intolerant ideals that I chose to do for my self (I wont go into it here).

All I can say is that after 15 years of them ignoring me, they have finally made the first overtures to contact me again. I held no hate or animosity towards them, but it did hurt. I had learned to live with that rejection and live my own life. Now, they invite me and my new family over and continue to try to understand my philosphical beliefs.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that even though you are hurting now, it does get easier as time goes on. It is true the axiom that time heals all. I just hope your family heals their ignorance as well. I sincerely hope that given time, attitudes will change on your family's behalf. Until then, the best advice I can give you is live for your self, your wife and your children (if you have them). Follow your heart and be true to yourself and to others you deal with. Don't let the ignorance of others get you down; rather tell yourself that you are a beautiful person no matter what they think. It is kind of callous, but if your family can not accept you for who you truely are, then you don't need them. It is not healthy to subject yourself to their torment.

If I could, I would give you a hug and tell you it will work it self out, weather that means you never speak to them again, or they realize the utter fools they have become and try to make amends.

Love always
Zee