Paula,
For what it is worth, I wouldn't wear the panties to bed at this point. I really think that that would make things worse. You have to find a way to communicate with her, get her feelings and concerns on the table, see if she is willing to talk about it, find out what it is that she needs to hear from you.
If she is open minded you may be able to bring the discussion to a level where she, while still fearful and uncertain, will engage in a dialog. Then you can ask her what she wants to know and how you can make her feel less fearful and more comfortable and loved. Right now she will most likely be having thoughts like:
- is he a homosexual?
- does he still love me? am I not woman enough for him?
- I thought that I was the woman in the marriage?
- I did not marry a woman, I married a man and I want it to stay that way
- what will happen to us if I say yes to this? will he go out of control?
- is he perverted?
- what will the neighbours think if they find out?
- how do I protect the children from this?
- ewwww how disgusting!
- I don't wish to see you that way!
- will he dress up all the time?
- does he want to become a girl?
- will he become competitive with me?
and so on...I think that you get the picture.
This is what my wife went through. Yet with all of the dialog and information that I supplied her with, she never got past her prejudices about it.
I really don't know how we have stayed together all these years since then. She asked me to stop and I stopped for a long time.
You may have to make some very hard choices. What you do will depend on your will power, how much you love your wife, how badly you have to have cross dressing in your life, whether you feel that another person has the right to tell you what to do in this regard...there will be many things to consider.
I stopped, for a very long time, eventually I started again (although to a much lesser degree so that I would not get caught). I am realizing this is a part of who I am. Denying that part of myself has created a big empty hole inside of myself.
I am sure that some can do this, but I suspect that most cannot. It builds resentment and cuases a relationship to be so much less when you cannot share who you really are. Denial is a terrible thing.I wish you the best on the many difficult discussions and choices you will face.
If she is willing and you are prepared to work out boundaries that she is comfortable with then perhaps over time you can bridge the chasm. The first thing to rebuild is her trust.
I have once again stopped dressing because she almost caught me again. I purged everything I had I was so scared. But it was at that low point that I realized that I have to stop until I can resolve this one way or another.
I am still trying to avoid dressing with great difficulty, however, I do frequent many cross dressing sites. If my wife ever found out that I was even that slightly involved with cross dressing, I am sure she would leave me.
It is hard to build trust when she wants you to deny who you are and forces you to become secretive. I know that I am being duplictous and I hate it. I would love nothing better than to be out in the open with her on this. But I know she will just freak out.
This is a thing that has eroded my relationship to the point where while she shows that she still loves me (hugs, kisses, presents, cards) and speaks of how she cannot imagine life without me, I just don't care anymore.
This week she is away on a week's cruise with her sister's and mother and I have yet to miss her. It is sad. I used to love making love with her and now I could care less. I used to enjoy spending time with her and now I would rather read a book, go for a walk or watch television. How sad is that. I hate feeling this way but I cannot be close to someone who gives me conditional love. She is not a bad person and there is much about her that I still love. I have been with her for over 23 years...I just don't feel in love anymore.
I tell you this because that is the possible path she may want to lead you down. If she says no and refuses to discuss it any further then you have some important choices to make.
Good luck and take care....and feel free to PM me if you want further insights.
Melissa Eh!
