Caught dressed by my wife

[Selina]

Hmm, lots to digest in this thread...

I was very lucky in finding my partner accepting when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her (which was probably the scariest thing I'd ever done), after being together for many years.

But the one thing she wasn't very happy about was the fact that I'd not felt that I could tell her earlier. She said that if that was a part of my life then she wanted to know about it, and she was bothered that I didn't know her well enough to know that she wouldn't have a problem with it...
The thing is that although in retrospect I can understand exactly what she meant, this point of view had never even occurred to me before. From reading this thread it seems that it's a common one.

I guess that part of the reason I hadn't said anything earlier was because I'd read so many stories on the net where things hadn't gone well, and I was scared of that happening to me. Also, I think I still believed that I could just give it up one day, and then there'd never be any need for her to know anyway, so why take the risk. (But we all know how false THAT one is...)

Wish my wife would catch me dressed then my hidding would be over.

Just a suggestion - if you're thinking that then it sounds like you might be trying to get caught, by being deliberately less careful...
If you DO want her to find out, so you don't have to hide any more, then I'd strongly suggest that you'd be better to just tell her than to let her catch you. Either way she finds out, but if you tell her then you can choose the time and situation, and she's finding out because you chose to tell her, not because she caught you.

But think carefully about it, whatever you do.

This exchange between the two Melissas does make me wonder about the degree of love that exists in many marriages/relationships. True love is all about sharing and compromising between two people. True love is not about when one person dictates to another - that is an abusive behavoir that denies the other partner the freedom of expression and makes them feel unhappy and rejected.
...

Helana, I thought that was an excellent post, and I agree with what you say. It seems strange that so many people are apparently so quick and willing to abandon a relationship that represents a significant chunk of their lives. as soon as something unwanted develops. Comments like 'I want a proper man' are very shallow and, to be honest, meaningless.

Many years ago a friend of mine made a comment which I've always remembered. He said that when you get into a relationship with someone, it's a package deal. "You can't just pick the bits you want from one person, and some other bits you want from another. You pick one, and you get the whole thing, which includes the good bits, and the less good bits, but that's the package. Take it or leave it." Too many people seem to want a fully flexible ticket, which is not what's available...

Good luck to everyone else having these troubles...

Hugs, Sel.

[melissacd]

In as much as I, in fact many of us, want our wives to understand and accept this, and in as much as if two people really love each other they should accept each other warts and all, after is that not true love? (get real sister!)...we also have to put our feelings and needs aside for a moment and to see things from our spouses perspective...regardless of if we like it or not...

They were raised in a culture that, rightly or wrongly, places negative connotations on cross dressing men (for all sorts of silly reasons). They are products of the same culture that makes many of us hide this from the world. While they feel shocked and betrayed, especially if they are told late in the relationship, I am sure many wives have a sense of disgust, fear, loathing, confusion and bewilderment (How could he do this to me...how could he become such a deviant or pervert or whatever negative ideas have been impressed into their minds about cross dressing).

In an ideal world, we would all be up front at the beginning. In an ideal world if we had not said anything at the beginning we would still be confident that our spouses would, while being shocked, love us enough to get past it.

This is not an ideal world. Far from it.

As much as someone may profess to love another for some people there are some things that all the love in the world will not help them get over. This is not to say that they do not love that person, just that they cannot accept this new view or lifestyle as being a part of their relationship. They are not able to modify their view of the person they thought they knew and loved.

That is life. People are irrational beings. Cultural stereotypes are hard for some shake. Many people are not introspective enough to separate the myth from the reality and as much as we try we cannot find a cross dressing path that works for that relationship. A walk in the ocean of many souls would scarcely get your feet wet. That is life.

I am not trying to defend this reaction, I am just trying to be realistic. There is life the way that you want it to be and there is life the way that it really is.

So...it is at this point that we have to move into wishful thinking (oh I hope that some day she changes her mind) or denial (I will stop being who I am for her and our love, I will accept that she does not accept all of me for the sake of the marriage and the kids) or the noble thing (family is more important than anything else) or the budhist thing (wanting is suffering so stop wanting and you will stop suffering) or the selfish thing (I don't give a damn, it is a part of who I am and who the hell is she to tell me that I cannot express my true self) or the human thing ( all of the above or perhaps none of the above).

Life choices are always complex.

I love my wife and yet I am conflicted about her non-acceptance. In as much as I want her to accept it and love me for all of who I am and as much as I feel that that would bring us closer together, the plain and simple fact of it is at this point in her life she will not accept it no matter what I say or no matter how I try to accomodate her. It does not make her wrong (as much as I would like to say it does). It makes her human.

I have thought about leaving and staying and everything in between. I still know not what I will do and you know what...that is human too. We are afraid of changing what we have for fear of losing it and we are afraid of staying where we are for fear of losing ourselves.

Do I stay, do I leave, do I wait until the kids are old enough that it will have a smaller impact on our lives if this comes to a head...do I try another run at it and see if 8 years has changed her mind and run the risk of total turmoil in our lives again...do I do the stoic thing and put it all out of my mind forever and accept that her love is conditional????? Can I accept a love that is conditional and a relationship that will never be as deep as I could hope for?

Life is full of complex choices...there are no silver bullets...there are no easy answers...just choices (or lack thereof) that lead to consequences and new choices...I continue to ponder this...

Melissa Eh! - on her usual silly old soapbox

[Elysia]

This is a terrific thread, so many insightful comments.

I know I’m incredibly lucky. I had been married eight years before I told my wife. She was very understanding. She said she thought most likely lots of men liked to try on women’s clothes.

It came up because she was donating a bunch of clothes to the Salvation Army, including some lingerie that I particularly liked to ‘borrow.’ I’m really not sure how I plucked up the courage, but I found myself asking her if I might keep some of the stuff because… (Insert here a long and nervous build up)… I occasionally enjoyed trying them on.

I was influenced by a therapist I’d been seeing. She was wonderful. I had finally admitted to her that I liked to cross-dress. I’d really expected her to try and cure me but instead she told me she thought that it was just in the genes and explained that no one had had any luck trying to change cross-dressers. Her advice was not to worry about it, have fun, what’s the harm… although she was concerned that I kept it a secret from my partner. She was a very good therapist. I don’t see her professionally any more but I do see her occasionally at church. I’ll always be grateful to her.

So I had been thinking, I really must tell my wife. You see I love her dearly. For me there is no one but her, she is my soul mate and for her I would really try to give up cross-dressing. I know that’s easy to say now, but then, when I thought about telling her, I figured there was a good chance she’d insist I stop. I mean, I thought she might even file for divorcé. I had to tell her anyway because I couldn’t keep deceiving her. I’ve got no problem with keeping it secret from the general public but with her I had to be honest. I’m glad I was wrong about her reaction.

One thing did bother her. Here I’m echoing lots of others who have written in this thread. It bothered her that I hadn’t been honest with her before. Why had I thought I couldn’t trust her? That bothered her. Ultimately, she has been understanding, even about this. However, I think it would have different if she had caught me in the act. I think we would have worked through it, but it would have been harder because then I would not have demonstrated a desire to be honest. Honest was the most important thing.

If you DO want her to find out, so you don't have to hide any more, then I'd strongly suggest that you'd be better to just tell her than to let her catch you. Either way she finds out, but if you tell her then you can choose the time and situation, and she's finding out because you chose to tell her, not because she caught you.

I strongly agree with Selina.

Being honest with her, asking for her understanding, telling her that her feelings about it mattered and giving her a chance to absorb this new discovery at her own pace were all very important.

That’s a little of my story and as I said, I know I’m a lucky person.

Melissa my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I don’t know what you should do but I’ll make this observation. You sound like a very thoughtful and decent person. Be true to the better angles of your nature, it will lead you down the best possible path.

There’s an enormous amount to be gained by working through the inevitable discomfort that comes from sharing your complete self with your partner. For example:

My husband had always been a very "manly" man....who never displayed much emotion....so much so that many times in our marriage I felt as though he were de-feminizing me...by judging my sensitivity and nurturing nature. He was always very focused on what I looked like, as well....frequently buying me lingerie and jewelry and such. His concentration on my external self combined with his neglect of my "internal" self left me feeling as though, for all the years we'd been together, in many ways our relationship was shallow.

What I hadn't realized, is that his own "woman within" felt forced to live only vicariously through me. He loved me and resented me at the same time. He judged my own femininity harshly because he PERCEIVED that I would never be accepting of his.

It gave my chills (good ones) reading that. That’s brilliant. Belladonna your husband is a lucky person and you are very insightful. You don’t experience growth like that by sitting on your hands. We who aspire to the greatness of womanhood would do well to observe the incredible willingness to take on the difficult work of growth demonstrated by so many women.

[melissacd]

This is a good post...more for me to ponder, thanks...Melissa Eh!

[eileen1969]

I was in that very situation a few times with my ex's, not that I have many! lol One of them is the mother of our children. She hates my female side and she even hates this part of me that she declines me being the man she once knew. That is still very painful for me, and for myself personally. I cannot change the way she thinks about me nor can I ever expect her to change this. Our freindship has detertiated even more and I have made a chioce with her and me. We are not the same, we once were, I still love her very much, that has changed things of me being 2 spirited, yes....
I think about my choice! her or me? I definatly went with who will love me regardless of what I wear or who I truly am? Me, and my Creator! whom made me with this wonderful gift of being a women! So I let her go! completely! simply because I love myself truly and who I am with all my help I get from my dear grandparents! As for our loving kids! kids and animals are smarter when it comes to most of us adults! they are unconditional and loving! And would'nt ya know it! by letting go takes love, thats what I done! and she is still very much a part of my life and always will be. Regardless of she ever fully accepts me or not! I have faith in me and love me this much! "God Bless you" and let your heart n spirit giude you in your journey of self! my only suggestion is that be true to yourself and do not sacrifice your beauty for anyone else? ANYONE!
ps the other ex whom died awhile ago! she fully accepted me and all of me and even thought it was cute! "god bless her loving spirit!!!!" ~I love you girl!

[AbbyLee]

Your being caught brings back so many painful memories. My wife has never gotten over that night. Ultimately I agreed to never dress when she was around (there are times though when I wear panties and pantyhose under my conventional clothing). My wife also knows where I hide the clothes, in the attic. I wish with all my heart I could help you. I agreed to never to dress when she is around. Fortunately for me she is a nurse and usually works two nights a week. I feel better now that she knows. but, she feels the same. Everyone is right it's the deceit thing that I am reminded of, by her. I have to live with that. Also, although we have been married several years, I think she knows that dressing is an integral part of my being. I sincerely hope that you are able to work things out and that she, after calming down a bit, realizes that your dressing 'in private' may not have been to deceive but in many ways to protect her, whom I would guess is a typical femle, from exactly what happened. Look at all the support and advice here, where else could you find that!!!

[AbbyLee]

Hun, I made a typo. I agreed to dress when she is not around.

[eileen1969]

I think that either hiding or depriving yourself for others is not very healthy!
Its like giving yourself an ongoing sentence that you never asked for! or hiding from! It takes a lot to be girl! That is why I choose to let go and be free and I know that this may not come to others, yet....
I will no longer run in fear or hide in shame....
I once was imprisoned for years on end....
through no fault of my mine....
but thier own insecurites and fears....
I done my time in the closet....
I cried, I lied, and hated myself for that....
it litterly killed me a few times.
Today, I am here and very much proud....
of having 2 spirits within, a female and male....
I pray that you find yourself and set yourself free,
as I have!....
take care n stay sexy!
Love n hugs Eileenx0x0x0

[PaulaJeanette]

Hello,

It has been several days since I last updated all of you on what's been happening, so today, I decided to jot down a few short thoughts.

Well, things have been rather quiet...extremely quiet, especially in the bedroom. It has been several weeks and I have chosen to not initiate any intimacy...of course, neither has she. But knowing that the ball is in my court, I'll have to test the waters one evening when we're alone in our home. I've been thinking about whether I should wear panties or not when I go to bed. On the one hand, it would serve as a sign of what I dearly hope to become a part of our lives...my crossdressing being accepted. But then again, would my wearing panties bring back the image that she saw of me dressed in my lingerie? She was hurt and angry that day and seeing me in panties may bring these negative emotions back to the surface again. I don't want to hurt her any more than I have to but I still know that we need to address it. A few days after the episode, she did make a quick, short comment "...you were also wearing stockings and heels..." Since there were others in the house, I didn't engage her in a discussion about my crossdressing and let the comment slip.

I know she loves me and I love her very much...but she does, at times, say to me that I don't show it enough. I am guilty...no doubt about it. Like many of us, I'm sure we've heard those words numerous times thru the course of our marriages. And, more than likely, they are right! So, a point that we all should take, remember, and act upon. Tell them you love them...and mean it!

Since so many of you have referred to the book "My Husband Betty", I'm going to make it a point to find and purchase a copy the next time I'm out of town. Because I don't go out dressed, I'll have to be in male mode when I make the purchase and go to the checkout counter. Although it'll be just like purchasing lingerie at Victorias Secrets or a department store, this time will be different. No acknowlegement or comment like "for my girlfriend, wife, etc." to mask the purchase as a gift. I'm sure the clerk will notice the title and could be somewhat familiar with the topic when it appears on the register screen. Naturally, I'll use cash. I know what some of you maybe thinking...why not buy it on-line? Although receiving it via the mail is easier, I'm always reluctanct to have a name, address, and credit card tied to my crossdressing. Call me paranoid or what...but having lived a life of hiding and keeping my feminine identify a secret for all these years...some old habits are just too hard to break.

In a few weeks, we have an out-of-town trip planned. It will give us some dedicated alone time and definitely a good opportunity to discuss this issue. I've taken much of what others have offered in the way of advice and will certainly use them. My thanks!

Well, I need to get some chores done, so will end this post. As always, I appreciate all of your support, concerns, and prayers. Please continue to keep my wife and I in your thoughts as I will for MelissaCD and her wife, dragster and her wife, plus all the others who are faced with similar situations.

Hugs to all,

Paula J

[eileen1969]

I lived that life for the sake of my family, my imediate family, freinds, and even for myself! and I know one thing is that I was not real nor true to myself! I understand that some of you girls have family, I too once had all that too!
Sacrificing oneself is by far an act of love? I am sorry but I can't see that! why would I want to give up and say that its ok for me to all of me but not when your around! That just does not fit? for some this maybe the circumstance but always remember that consequences always follow. Today, I do not live a double life! I live my life as my spirits as well heart giude me with help from my Creator! I am so happy to not live that life I once lived for the sake of others and me at one time! If you could feel the power of women that is very much in me right now! I share this with all of you "my girls!"....love yourseleves today because you all deserve this from me! take care n stay sexy!

[DonnaT]

My goodness Paula. You seem to be doing things, or planning them, that are not helpful to your cause.

She says you don't show her enough how much you love her, and things are quiet in bed? Don't you think it's time to initiate a little intimacy in bed and around the house?

Put yourself in her shoes. If you were a woman, and married, what would you want your husband to do to show his affection.

Everytime you walk by her, or near her, give her a kiss. Sneak up behind her and give her a hug and kiss. Always tell her, out loud, that you love her.

Bring her flowers or some other small gift when she's not expecting it.

Don't wear panties to bed until after you've had your talk with her. Right now, she has issues. One of which, I can bet on, is whether or not you find her desirable, more so than your desire to wear panties. Wearing panties to bed and then trying to be sexual is going to confirm for her that you don't find her desirable.

I would suggest that you not initiate a discussion about your CDing, while on your trip. Let her do it if she wants. Otherwise it could possibly make for a miserable trip.

Wait until you've read the first four chapters of My Husband Betty, then initiate the conversation. There's no hurry, you know. If she doesn't want to talk, ask her to please read the first four chapters only. She's not ready to read about TS issues in the later chapters.

I don't know how easy it may be to find the book in a book store. You can get a copy from the author, Helen Boyd and even have it autographed. Go to http://myhusbandbetty.com for details. Or click here http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?page_id=277

[melissacd]

Paula,

For what it is worth, I wouldn't wear the panties to bed at this point. I really think that that would make things worse. You have to find a way to communicate with her, get her feelings and concerns on the table, see if she is willing to talk about it, find out what it is that she needs to hear from you.

If she is open minded you may be able to bring the discussion to a level where she, while still fearful and uncertain, will engage in a dialog. Then you can ask her what she wants to know and how you can make her feel less fearful and more comfortable and loved. Right now she will most likely be having thoughts like:

- is he a homosexual?
- does he still love me? am I not woman enough for him?
- I thought that I was the woman in the marriage?
- I did not marry a woman, I married a man and I want it to stay that way
- what will happen to us if I say yes to this? will he go out of control?
- is he perverted?
- what will the neighbours think if they find out?
- how do I protect the children from this?
- ewwww how disgusting!
- I don't wish to see you that way!
- will he dress up all the time?
- does he want to become a girl?
- will he become competitive with me?

and so on...I think that you get the picture.

This is what my wife went through. Yet with all of the dialog and information that I supplied her with, she never got past her prejudices about it.

I really don't know how we have stayed together all these years since then. She asked me to stop and I stopped for a long time.

You may have to make some very hard choices. What you do will depend on your will power, how much you love your wife, how badly you have to have cross dressing in your life, whether you feel that another person has the right to tell you what to do in this regard...there will be many things to consider.

I stopped, for a very long time, eventually I started again (although to a much lesser degree so that I would not get caught). I am realizing this is a part of who I am. Denying that part of myself has created a big empty hole inside of myself.

I am sure that some can do this, but I suspect that most cannot. It builds resentment and cuases a relationship to be so much less when you cannot share who you really are. Denial is a terrible thing.I wish you the best on the many difficult discussions and choices you will face.

If she is willing and you are prepared to work out boundaries that she is comfortable with then perhaps over time you can bridge the chasm. The first thing to rebuild is her trust.

I have once again stopped dressing because she almost caught me again. I purged everything I had I was so scared. But it was at that low point that I realized that I have to stop until I can resolve this one way or another.

I am still trying to avoid dressing with great difficulty, however, I do frequent many cross dressing sites. If my wife ever found out that I was even that slightly involved with cross dressing, I am sure she would leave me.

It is hard to build trust when she wants you to deny who you are and forces you to become secretive. I know that I am being duplictous and I hate it. I would love nothing better than to be out in the open with her on this. But I know she will just freak out.

This is a thing that has eroded my relationship to the point where while she shows that she still loves me (hugs, kisses, presents, cards) and speaks of how she cannot imagine life without me, I just don't care anymore.

This week she is away on a week's cruise with her sister's and mother and I have yet to miss her. It is sad. I used to love making love with her and now I could care less. I used to enjoy spending time with her and now I would rather read a book, go for a walk or watch television. How sad is that. I hate feeling this way but I cannot be close to someone who gives me conditional love. She is not a bad person and there is much about her that I still love. I have been with her for over 23 years...I just don't feel in love anymore.

I tell you this because that is the possible path she may want to lead you down. If she says no and refuses to discuss it any further then you have some important choices to make.

Good luck and take care....and feel free to PM me if you want further insights.

Melissa Eh!

[PaulaJeanette]

Melissa,

How can I ever thank you? You are indeed a very, very special person and friend...and I'm not saying that lightly. I truly mean that.

In reading your post, I can immediately detect the feelings, emotions, and intensity within your words. Oh, how much anguish, pain, and hurt you must be going through!!! Over these past few weeks, I've been the same way. Basically, both my wife and I have. I know I am not alone is saying this and am sure there are many others with teary eyes. I appreciate your willingness to so lucidly and painstakingly address your comments to me and to share your hurts with all of us. You cannot begin to know how much your hurts are being felt by all of us.

Melissa, thank you for the offer to discuss these matters privately with me but I believe we can all learn from one another; so with my apologies and your concurrence, I prefer to discuss them here in the forum...in the open. I also know that through these postings, both you and I reap a benefit, in that we're able to vent our feelings and emotions. Although not normally ascribed to the male half of the population, venting our feelings is something that we all need to do (and more often) for better mental health. I guess that's one aspect of our feminine side that is rising to the surface...huh?

I will take (and I cherish) your insightful advice and will refrain from being too pushy with my wife regarding my crossdressing wants, wishes, and desires. You are so right to remind me that these are difficult, complex choices which have very longlasting implications, especially the matter of trust. I know because my wife did raise that specific topic with me. I fully expect it to be central to our ongoing discussions. Many of the questions that are in your list she has raised; and I can forsee the others most definitely coming. So, therefore, I need to clearly think them through. I also need to discuss them with my wife...if she is willing.

Melissa, you've poured out your guts....and that is good! Hopefully, others will be non-judgmental in reading our postings and thoughts and, in return, offer perspectives which will aid you and I in seeing an appropriate course through this delicate maze of human emotion and psychology.

Remain strong and do what is best for you both, as I will for my wife and I.

Again, my heartfelt thank you for your friendship, advice, and caring.

Hugs,

Paula J

[melissacd]

I am glad to offer my insights. Been there, doing it.

Perhaps part of my reason for saying all of this is to provide others with take away pieces that can be discussed based on real experiences and that can help SO's understand that this is not a perversion, it is part of who we are. We don't do it because we don't love them, we do it because it makes us feel complete. We want to be accepted and loved for all of who we are. We believe that it will deepen our love, if only they would let it.

We understand that it is a shock and that rules and limits are required. We look for opportunities to grow with them as our partner and mentor and lover and companion and confident and...

We hid it from them because of the reaction that we got when they found out ... society is uncomfortable with cross dressers.

How do you tell a woman that you just met, oh by the way can I borrow your dress? We all are afraid that we will get a negative reaction from someone we desire, love and want to be with forever. That is why we hide it.

We are afraid of getting the response that in fact we get - "well I was falling in love with you but now that I know you are a cross dresser all I want to be is friends"...after getting that a few times is it no wonder that we hide it.

Tell your wife these things, share these insights and your own fears, help her understand why you hid it, be open with her, be honest with her, remind her of how much you love her, calm her fears, answer her question truthfully, give her time, don't push her, help her understand that you are still the same person that she fell in love with excpet now she gets some bonus features thrown in at no extra charge, bonus features that can enhance your life together and deepen your relationship...

Melissa Eh!

[Annabel Girlie]

My goodness Paula. You seem to be doing things, or planning them, that are not helpful to your cause.

...

Don't wear panties to bed until after you've had your talk with her. Right now, she has issues. One of which, I can bet on, is whether or not you find her desirable, more so than your desire to wear panties. Wearing panties to bed and then trying to be sexual is going to confirm for her that you don't find her desirable.

You are 100% right Donna. When my wife found out, the very idea of confronting her in panties would have been the very worst thing possible. Regretably, my "talk with her" turned out to be what many of the other girlies here have experienced, or have feared would happen - a total rejection of me dressing in or out of her sight - and a demand that I just stop entirely. And then she wonders why I didn't share my secret with her before!

So many of you have talked about this in previous posts in this thread that I won't go through it again, except to say that of all the threads I have read in this forum or many others related to crossdressing in all its various forms and flavours, this is by far the most valuable, informative and wonderful.

Melissa eh! - sympathy and empathy. What more can I say? You have so eloquently expressed my position - and I am sure many others too.

Lost for words

Annabel

[Annabel Girlie]

How do you tell a woman that you just met, oh by the way can I borrow your dress? We all are afraid that we will get a negative reaction from someone we desire, love and want to be with forever. That is why we hide it.
Melissa Eh!

Isn't it strange? If my wife (or thinking back 20+ years to single days, a girlfriend) asked if she could wear my shirt, sweater, underwear, T-shirt, anything! - I would think that was wonderful, affectionate, even downright sexy. Borrowing her dress? As you say, Melissa - that is a sure fire 'No No' for most of us.

And knowing (or fearing) that negative reaction - we hide it from them. We don't want to be rejected as a person by them, and we don't want our dressing to be rejected - so we hide it from them. And they can't see or understand this when they ask us in their plaintive way, why we have hidden it from them all these years. Why do they think?!

You are such a smart cookie, Melissa, you deserve better. I wish you the best of luck

Love you all, girls

Annabel

[melissacd]

Thanks for the compliments. It is a funny thing. Out of all the threads that I have read here, this is the topic that has really gotten my juices going. It is the topic that most touches my heart and my soul.

The things that I have been saying are things that have been bottled up for years and I guess I just needed a chance to get this off my chest.

I want to talk about the more girly things, the things that touch my feminine spirit and yet this is the thing that most moves me.

Perhaps by sharing these thoughts I am also helping myself think through this. It is helping me to express the anger that I have felt over these past years. My secret is now known and yet I still have to hide it. What is the sense in that!

I suppose I am hoping that by getting this off my chest I can help others learn and I can help myself rediscover myself.

I thank Paula so much for suggesting this topic, albeit under unfortunate circumstances. I can certainly relate and you have certainly touched my heart. I feel for you. I also feel for all of you who have suffered a similar situation. What worse choice could be put before you than to have a wife that you love reject who you are? I have anguished over this for 8 years. While I appreciate her surprise and anger and disgust, she is a product of our culture, I am also taken aback by her total rejection of the notion, an unwillingness to be open to new possibilities. And therein lies the struggle.

Many of us recognized early in our lives that there was something very different about us. We had an appreciation for things that were not supposed to be in our domain. Tolerated when really young, ridiculed when older. We have had to spend so much of our lives, wanting it, feeling it and yet hiding it. Many of us felt shame and guilt and anger at ourselves. How coudl we want such a thing, how could we do such a thing. What was wrong with us. We bought, we skulked, we wore, we sweated, we panicked, we became guilty and ashamed and we purged. We breathed a sigh of relief, there it was over, gone, finito. Slowly but sure it creaped backed in and poked at us. Eventually we caved and it started all over again.

The problem was, it was never a problem. We felt guilty and ashamed for being us! That is the tragedy of all of this. We felt anger at ourselves for being ourselves, what a cruel trick life played on us.

I still feel guilty about it, old habits die hard. I would still shit my pants if anyone I knew found out. And yet, I ask myself why? That is the question I must now answer.

This forum has helped me a great deal to start pondering this again and I want to ponder it. I do not want to stuff it in a drawer and hope to forget about it. I want to understand that part of me, I want to make peace with it. Many of you have, many of you never had to. Many of you are going through this struggle too.

Thanks for giving us a place to relate and support each other on being us.

Melissa Eh!

P.S. I think it is time for me to write some shorter messages , get off my soap box and lighten up a bit... :D Sorry about going on and on and on about this...its cheaper than therapy - heh heh :p

[Elysia]

Melissa, I for one really appreciate the time you have put into this tread. You and PaulaJeanette and everyone who’s sharing here are doing something of value. I have read this thread with great interest. There’s no need to apologize for your sizable contributions… get it all out, you’re helping more than just yourself.

[diaperedbaby]

Many hit it on the head.
I think you should be up front on who you are.
Then let the chips fall
In my case, I am very femme to begin with.
Most would have some idea the minute they met me.
Only surprise to some is that I am not 100 percent gay

[melissacd]

Elysia,

Thanks.

Melissa Eh!

[Wendy-Anne]

Dear Paula-Jeanette,
My heart goes with you.
How much of our life is poisoned by furtiveness and fear?
At least things are sort-of out in the open.
I do hope that ther is now the oportunity for you to find the acceptance and love that goes to the very core of your being.
Its difficult to put the stopper back in the bottle once the genie is out!
Good luck...

[ChristineRenee]

Melissa...you have elequently articulated many, many of the sentiments and emotions that I have experienced about being a CD...a TG...and being married to someone who because of their cultural conditioning...still does not, or cannot, accept a situation that they previous have said that they were ok with. If you think it is difficult to have someone that you love, reject who you are after the fact of discovery, just imagine what it is like to marry someone who you have always accepted as who she was, and she likewise, knowing while we were still dating mind you, that I was a CD, and then deciding otherwise after the fact, since she apparently had thought that it was something that I would just give up or something that she could "change" about me, That I had somehow "changed the rules" about this. What "rules" are these? So, apparently, our unconditional love is conditional after all. Imagine that.

You know it is interesting. The woman I am married to is a woman of size..to put it delicately. She was overweight as a child...predominately through no fault of her own. She has had problems dealing with this condition for all of her life right into adulthood. She is very sensitive about it, and it has affected her self-esteem her whole life. We have been together for 12 years now...married nearly 11 of those 12 years. Never at any time in our relationship have I ever not accepted my wife for who she is and how she is. Would I like her to lose some weight? Well...yes...I would. Because there is also a health concern involved here. Would I ever insist on it as a condition of our relationship? Absolutely not....it would be unthinkable to me. It has to be something that she wants to do for HERSELF...for her own benefit and well-being....and yes...self-esteem. This is something that I cannot do for her...but most certainly I will support her...and have in the past when she has gone on a diet and lost a significant amount of weight only to regain almost all of it back again in a few short months. Much like the issue of being a CD, it is something that is always ongoing and never off of the front burner of your life.

I illustrate the weight issue with my wife to give you all some understanding of what it is like for me being a CD/TG and not being accepted or understood by the person I most thought would have been my biggest supporter in that regard, despite the fact that I have been her biggest supporter in her struggle with her weight issue, self-esteem, and overall feelings about her own femininity. Marriage, I had thought, was give and take. There have been times when I have thought...well...maybe I just want too much from her as far as acceptance goes. Then again, is it wanting too much to have your spouse of 11 years...the person that you love unconditionally...love you for the person YOU really are? Especially when that was supposedly one of the main reason's that she married me in the first place? She loved me for who I was...or at least until I "changed the rules" of this CD "thing" of mine, in her view now.

Well...I hope that I haven't hijacked this thread too badly with my own story here...but I did want to comment on what you have been talking about Melissa because it parallels somewhat my own experience here.

Paula...we have chatted often in the past but have not talked much lately at all...particularly since your outing has occurred. I hope that you know that I am available to you at any time if you would like to just chat or if you need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You are my friend and I care very deeply for you and about your situation. I am hoping and praying for you that everything turns out for the best. You most certainly deserve it girlfriend.

Thank you both for letting me "vent" in this thread...and like I said before...I hope that I haven't hijacked it off into some place that it didn't belong.

Much love,
Chrissie

[melissacd]

I very much appreciate what you have added to this thread. You hit upon a touch stone of what is wrong wih all of this. As much as we want to believe that our spouses offer unconditional love...til death do us part, for better or for worse...the reality is that that ain't the case.

The only love that is unconditional is the love of a parent for a child and then sometimes I wonder.

We go into marriage or the equivalent thereof with a whole pile of expectations, many of which are shattered in a short period of time, however, when we truelly love someone else we should be prepared to take the good with the bad.

You have been supportive of your wife through her weight issue and you should be able to expect the same unconditional love from her with this, especially in light of the fact that she knew going into your relationship that that was part of your baggage.

There is life the way we want it to be and there is life the way that it is...as much as we hope that we will be loved unconditionally and accepted warts and all, for who does not have eccentricities of some sort (it is what makes us so wonderful)...the sad truth is that love is conditional.

I wish you all the best on your situation and thanks very much for sharing you heart and soul with us.

Big hug to you and everyone else who has to deal with this type of situation...awww heck a hug to everyone on this board

Melissa Eh!

[wife-of-a-cd]

Hey paulajeanette, I am sorry for you dismay however I really think you should haved been up front from the biginning. At least then if she loved you she would look at it at a different angle. (ie) well he chose me, and he asked me out, he says he is not gay, he did chase after me not a guy etc).
My husband has been dressing since the beginning. I found out early in our relation ship and realized that this had nothing to do with me not being enough woman for him. It is who he is and I have to say I love him and would not have it any other way. He is so loving and we go shoping together. She is not passable and I really don't care. we are older and will not live our lives for others and nor should you. I say go for it but be honest, loving and sincere. Explain to her that it is not her and that you have been this way since you were born. or better yet have he join the forum and be part of it, or she can write me personaly. at [email protected] I would love to help her understand.
Linda

[melissacd]

Linda

I love your post!

In a very short amount of space you have captured so much so beautifully.

Thanks for being the wonderful and understanding wife that you are. Thanks for your offer of support to cross dressers. Your husband is a very lucky man.

Hugs
Melissa Eh!