Sexual Perception

[CharleneT]

Hey, wow, a bunch of questions...

The first time anyone knew about my dressing, was after I broke up with my SO, and she found out by accident. So our discussions have not been of a sexual nature...sorry!

There is a wide variety of reasons for each person to dressup or act in the opposite gender. I think for many it is a changing thing as well. Over time you evolve the "why's" as you experience more as well as learn more about yourself. For me, my sexuality has never really changed. Dressing has no effect on it. In fact, to a large degree they are separate. That is not to say that dressing is not a sexually charged thing for me, it is. Rather I mean that my dressing came about after my sexuality was pretty well set in stone.

Although it is not the standard view, I believe that sexuality is a more mutable thing than most realize. Many people change their minds over time about what and who they are attracted to. Often, a significant event triggers the realization that they are attracted to a thing, a type of person or a gender that previously they would not have given a nod to. Several of these events over a life time and bada-bing, you suddenly have a person who is more wide ranging in who they are attracted to and why. If you look at the stated sexuality of "swingers" over the age of about 40, you'll find a very high number of bisexually friendly people. They didn't know that till they were in situations where it was accepted.

So, I think it is true that if you were in a long term relationship, and your spouse suddenly told you of their gender bending, that you might find yourself attracted to that "bent gender" presentation of the person you love. Even though you may not have had bi-sexual leanings before. How often that works that way, shooooot... I've no idea.

The most common worry, on both sides, seems to be this "are you gay" thing. It may be because I'm a black and white photographer, but I see the world in shades of grey most of the time. Even (especially) with respect to sexuality. I do not think there are many people who are strictly strait or gay. I believe most people are on a continuum between the two. Whether they ever act on that, depends, probably not. But it seems to me that if I am even close to right, then if there is a change in sexuality due to dressing, it is not likely such a great shift as strait --> gay. Much more likely the person has just tapped into the bisexual side of their personality that has been underneath and unknown.

Anyhow ... just some thoughts...

Charlene

Have you and your SO ever discussed latent bi-sexual feelings (hers) after you told her you CD?

I am not married so I have never had to come home and be shocked and outraged to discover, or be told by my husband that he has a hobby I didn't know about. My introduction to, and interest in CD's started by accident in college with my then b/f. He had never done it before either and for me at that time it was all about sex. I don't have the experience of a long term marriage so my perspective is different and I may not know what I am talking about.

So many have said, "my wife doesn't accept my crossdressing," "She tolerates my dressing but she doesn't participate or support me." Put yourself in her shoes, (I know, some of you do already) and try to see yourself through her eyes.

I hope I can say this clearly. I've heard many of you say you are worried you are gay because you dress. Many of you are disappointed at how you are received by your SO when you tell her, and worry that she might think you are gay. But what about her and her perception of herself? Maybe it's not about you and your crossdressing that she doesn't accept as much as it is her own fear that she might have latent same sex attraction. Women have real fears too you know just like you.

I know it sounds convoluted but maybe if she sees you dressed like a woman, she may have to confront her own sexual demons. She may have to admit she is attracted to women. It doesn't mean she is gay any more than the idea that you are gay just because you dress. You can be straight as an arrow and still be a CD. She can be completely heterosexual and still be attracted to a man wearing a dress, but it raises questions. But maybe she is homophobic and will never be able to accept your dressing.