What happened after tellling a friend?

[Jonianne]

Hi Beth,
I feel sad that you have had such negative experiences. Maybe I am pessimistic about this but, I can't imagine the world in general accepting something out of the mainstream like cd/ts any time soon. The world misses out on knowing the hearts of some of its best people. Gender phobia is still very, very strong. So be very careful with who you share your heart with. There are plenty who are accepting folks, but it is always a risk in opening up. I was forced to, my ex threatened to tell everyone so I beat her to the punch and shared with all the important people in my life. I had established a solid relationship with them so it may have been a shock, but most were OK once they knew I was still the same person and that my cd'ing was not going to affect them. Actualy when I shared this secret with them, some of them, in time, felt safe to share some of their secrets with me.

Bless you

[AshleyCD]

I find that for me not all my friends need to know everything about me. There are different ones that I like doing different things and talking about different things about. I even have some that I know wouldn't care, but don't see how it would improve on the relationship. I also have some friends who do know and are totally cool with it, but they don't exactly live normal lives either. Some are poly, some into bondage, find most people who live an alternative life themselves are probably going to be cool with it.

[MJ]

it's times like that you find out who your true friends are .
instead of withdrawing from the world you should embrace it , Just do it and to hell with your so called non accepting friends . you will find others to replace them and they will accept the real you ..

whats better to live? . a lie or the truth ? if your time on earth is short and you look back .... was it worth it .. WHAT IF !!! . At least i can say i did the best i could i have no regrets . do you want to live for the world view in fear ..or live for yourself

[Angie G]

This is why I wish only my wife know I just make my life easier I dress enough at home and don't need to go 24/7 Or even have others know.
Angie

[Beth-Lock]

Jonianne, in a way I was forced to share it with people here, after a meddlesome person working on the maintance staff in my building, after (only partially) seeing me dressed, exposed me in the most sensationalistic way, via gossip. So, a lot of my sharing it with others was basically by way of damage control, though I had shared it with two people here in a low-key way, people who later went ballistic once the gossip hit them, and after. So, basically I have had an uneasy relationship with the gossip-mongers around here. One never knows what to do. There is an old wisdom that you should hear it right from the person involved, instead of only from gossip, but that does not necessarily work when the people are put into the worst frame of mind via the gossip, or maybe would never have heard without one assuming the gossip would get to them eventually. These are all judgment calls, aren't they? I am not sure, even knowing what resulted, how I would have been better to handle it, except by keeping a low profile and not making any friends in the first place, to remain an anonymous face in the crowd. That is what I am now gravitating towards.

[Amy Hepker]

Hey, don't worry about it, if they are true friends they will always be friends. If not they will move on. Be yourself and enjoy your real life. I told a very good friend of mine one time and he basically said "so". We are still very good friends. He knows I am not gay, so there is no problem.

Be yourself and live.

[Joanne f]

Well after all my so called friends found out i lost them all .







joanne

[jenny logan]

I have only told my wife and my therapist. We live in an extremely conservative god fearing community where being different means being ostracized. There is still a subtle but strong KKK presence, the God squaders almost suceeded in getting intelligent design taught as science, and we had a former mayor tried(but acquitted) for helping local racists murder an innocent black woman during the race riots in 1969 when he was a police officer. I have met a few local cders but we are extremely careful in choosing where to go. There is a local club, but discretion is definitely the better part of valor. Maybe it will eventually change, but it will be a long time coming.

Jenny L.

[charlie]

I have experimented with telling friends and acquaintances about my CD'ing, I guess because I seek acceptance as part of the process of coming out, and I once thought, transitioning. I have often got negative reactions.
One friend said if I was, and I guess he thought I was kidding, he would have nothing more to do with me.
A couple of friends were told, and seemed not to raise a fuss, yet when I was spotted doing it around here, some time later, they more or less started a process of alienation from me ending by going ballistic. It was like a slow burning fuse had been ignited.
A very good friend, though not deserting me, though he did think of it briefly seems to have a phobia about it, and freaks out at the thought of even looking at a pictue of me dressed.
Recently I told a couple of women friends, and one reacted in a sort of blustery way, and the other said, 'I am laughing at you.' while sort of laughing, half behind her hand over her face.
After all those negative reactions, and more,I am starting to withdraw from friends, avoid making new ones, and try and live in a more anonymous way, as just another face in a crowd of strangers.
What has been your experience?

Hello Beth!
old friends and new friends are important to our lives. This forum is great, but you need live connection with other people. My answer, "Don't tell, don't ask how people feel about it.
Charlie

[jayme357]

I'm a bit surprised at many of the comments. When we develop a circle of friends it is because we have some or many things in common. We enjoy the same sports, we bike or ski together, we go to the theater and have special dinners together. When we introduce a totally new dimension - hey, forgot to tell you but I might really be a woman, or at least in my own mind I might be one. I even dress as a woman every chance I get. Let's face it, we have just changed the dynamics of a relationship completely, and yet we are surprised that our friends don't embrace us with open arms! Why are we so self centered that we think that everyone should be sensitive to our needs? Why should we not be sensitive to our friends needs? I guess if our goal is to transition, then we shoud focus on those in our social circle that might be amenable to exploring a different dimension. To expect the average person who knows us in a traditional setting to welcome this announcement with a blaring of trumpets is a bit naive.

I have shared my feminine side with perhaps a half dozen people in my life. In each case there was no ulterior motive. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. There are other friends that just might be understanding, but what am I going to gain by sharing? This is my life, I accept it, I enjoy it, I would not give it up for anything. I feel no need to burden others just so I can feel better about the life I have chosen.

Sorry for the somewhat negative response - not my normal style. But, it distresses me that so much our energy is spent questioning the other 90% of the world. I am me, I am happy with myself, and I can find some way to fit in.

[MalibuJenny]

To me, telling close friends is a lot like telling your S.O... At some point, it's relevant for them to know if you are close.

I told a few female friends but that wasn't very scary and even though they were very surprised, it was no big deal in the longer term.

But I told one of my closest male friends and he took it badly. He actually cried!

I decided to tell him because I was out to a few other friends and had a girlfriend (who he knew) that was really into going out with me while I was dressed. I was very concerned about him finding out the wrong way and then having it be a big issue between us. We had always been very open and honest with each other and I felt dishonest for not telling him.

He didn't even know what to say and then when I pushed him the day after (the silence was horrible, as we were traveling together), that's when he got upset and cried a bit. Said he really felt sorry for me.

I told him that he shouldn't and that even though this was a shock to him (we've know each other since we were little kids) that I had been living with it my whole life and I was the same perfectly happy person he'd always known.

I made a quick decision to tell his fiance because it was obvious he needed someone to talk to about it, so I asked him first then told her. She's a real free spirit and barely blinked. I know the two of them talked about it to a good degree.

He and I almost never talk about my CDing but I'm still glad he knows. In fact, not long after telling him I accidentally sent him an email from my Jennifer email acount and he knew it was from me because of what I wrote and I'm sure I signed my male name. So, I didn't have to explain that... It could have really blown up in my face and put a serious challenge into our friendship.

Also, I'm single and live alone and have always worried about something happening to me and others finding out about this somewhat secret life. So, I talked to him about that and he agreed he would step in if something happened to me. It was (is) really cool to have that understanding.

I hated that I upset him but I'm glad he knows. He's mentioned a couple of times, usually around my relationships -- in the "does she know?" vein.

I have another male friend that I'm even closer to but he doesn't live in my area and the odds of him finding out are very low, so I decided not to tell him because I think he would be very, very upset -- even though I know we would never stop being friends.

[Lisa Elaine]

I have told four of my close friends, all female. Only one has seen me wearing my clothing (I only have waist-down stuff: skirt, hose, heels), and the others have seen my painted toenails and shaved legs but nothing else. In all cases, it's been nothing but acceptance! The one that saw me in my skirt was the one who helped me go shopping for it!

[rian]

The rule of thumb about a crossdresser is never to reveale your Identity before you secure the grounds first ....you have to watch out for the enviroment ,freinds, family ...Starting from the big circle moving to the smaller circle ....It is a dangerous grounds ,,....for me I m still a sloset Cd not even my wife knows ...because of the reaction towards this action ....so please take very cautious moves and do not claim to every one .

[AmandaM]

The rule of thumb about a crossdresser is never to reveale your Identity before you secure the grounds first ....you have to watch out for the enviroment ,freinds, family ...Starting from the big circle moving to the smaller circle ....It is a dangerous grounds ,,....for me I m still a sloset Cd not even my wife knows ...because of the reaction towards this action ....so please take very cautious moves and do not claim to every one .

Exactly. I lost all my friends and was labelled a "faggot". In some circles in America, this will get you beat up or worse. I'm sure the UK is about the same. I don't even want to contemplate being in the Middle East.

[Jamie001]

Amanda,

The friends that you lost were never real friends. It is really important to remember that. Friends that accept you as you are for better or worse are your true friends. I know that it must feel like a loss to you, but it is actually for the better. I believe that if you can't be yourself with your friends, that they are really not friends.

Jamie

Exactly. I lost all my friends and was labelled a "faggot". In some circles in America, this will get you beat up or worse. I'm sure the UK is about the same. I don't even want to contemplate being in the Middle East.

[Bev06 GG]

To be honest Beth I think it says more about your friends than anything else. How immature of them all. I can understand someone having a problem if they have to live with you and really dont like it, but come on it doesn't even affect a friend, what are they like. I agree with Laurelanne, a friend is someone who knows everything about you and still likes you. Beth they couldn't have been true friends if theyre so shallow that they would let something like Crossdressing come between you, you haven't got a disease, you are just more adventurous when it comes to expressing yourself and you probably have bags more character than they'll ever have.

[JaytoJillian]

I have never told any friends, but others people that I know that have, ended up with similar experiences. Most of my friends (outside of the community) that know me as a girl, don't know me as a guy. In a way that is kind of weird, but has worked for me. As my doctor tells me, I live two different lives.

Completely, totally ditto!

[Sophia KT]

I had a tough time with 'friends'.

Lots of people pretend to be okay with things because they think it sounds good to be broadminded, but the are often not.

I am well practiced at not caring though; all I have to do now is stop people using my natural secretivity against me.


I will be prevailing on this, trust me.

Sorry if I sound nuts.

[PrettyGiGi]

Aside from my ex wife, and I limited the discussion to panties, I have told my best friend, who is a GG, and a former girlfriend who kind of stalks me. Both were extremely accepting. My best friend and I keep trying to find time to have a girls' weekend but it is tough, and the former girlfriend loves it. She might be a future girlfriend if this keeps up.

[AmandaM]

Well, I understand what you are saying. I came out of the long-haired, keg-party, Led Zeppelin/Black Sabbath headbanging crowd who skimmed the edge of outlaw biker gangs. So, it was probably my situation. Manliness wasn't to be triffled with.

Amanda,

The friends that you lost were never real friends. It is really important to remember that. Friends that accept you as you are for better or worse are your true friends. I know that it must feel like a loss to you, but it is actually for the better. I believe that if you can't be yourself with your friends, that they are really not friends.

Jamie