By far the most difficult thing I have ever done was come out to my wife after being married for 21 years. It was a conversation that should have taken place before we ever got serious but for whatever reason I just couldn't do it. When I finally did there was all the expected strong emotions and some that I didn't expect. As she said it wasn't so much the dressing as it was the deceit, lying by ommission, and breach of trust. Some couples get past it, most don't. We were very lucky and now my femme self is just another facet of our relationship. That said, it doesn't sound like your wife is willing or able to deal with this very well. Personally I would tell her, the sooner the better, in a non threatening way. Don't be dressed when you do but do be prepared for the full fury of a woman deceived. When the secret comes out there's no going back to what most consider a "normal" marriage. It's going to come down to the strength of the relationship and her ability to forgive and accept. I wish you luck.
