Crossdressing and child custody issues

[trisha11]

Girls,
I need some advice for all girls who have or are going through a divorce and have a child or children involved in the process.

Here is some back ground on what is going on. My wife found out about 3 years after our marriage that I was into crossdressing. She found all my things and was confused and hurt. She said that she was okay with it, but never really supported me or tried to understand it from my perspective. It continued to be an issue and when she finally told me she wanted a divorce, the issue of me crossdressing was one of the main reasons stated. We have a child that is now caught up in the divorce process.

We could not agree on a reasonable custody arrangement so it went to mediation. She told her lawyer about my crossdressing it became an obvious issue to the mediator. They used who I am against me in my child custody arrangement agreement. We came up with something that worked but not my ideal resolution. We have been moving forward with the divorce, splitting up assets, splitting up properties, etc. I thought we were about to finally sign the papers and she told me tonight that she wants verbage put into the paperwork that states that I will not crossdress in our childs presence. I about blew a gasket. My child has never seen that side of me and I do not feel comfortable enough to even approach that. But she wants it in writing. I am hurt, upset, and most of all pissed off that she would again make my crossdressing an issue.

Have any of you girls had to deal with a situation like this, if so how did you handle it?

Thanks in advance girls I just do not know where else to turn right now for advice.
Trisha

[Scotty]

Keep them separate, and if it's public, keep them separate.

[docrobbysherry]

If all u need to do to complete your divorce, is promise to do what u would do anyway, what's the problem? Sign it, with your attorney's approval, ( he may want something else from her), and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

I was married for 7 years, and it took 8 to get divorced and complete our financial settlement. And we had NO CD, or custody issues!

I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. The process of divorce as a VERY adversarial process. The fact that it is between 2 people who once trusted and cared for each other, only makes it worse! There's no way you can't feel betrayed and vengeful. Her request IS reasonable, if u look at it on it's surface! Wait until your child's 18, then u can come out of the closet!

Remember, it's NOT about u OR your ex, it should be about your child. The IMPORTANT thing is, u get to spend quality time with him/her!

[dianeleah]

Talk to your attorney or get one before you agree/sign anything!!!!!! I'm not an attorney, nor is this legal advice, but I've been through it! I think that most divorce documents are public record in most state! This said anything you put in a divorce document, anybody can have access to. Therefore, you need to think who do you want to see and know about your crossdressing? Do you want you other family, friends, boss, co-workers, church or anybody else who wants to take the time to go to the courthouse and get info? Your wife might copy the divorce decree and show it to the world, and you'll have a real hard time denying it! Talk to an attorney!

[Roberta Lynn]

I don't see a problem with putting it in writing if you don't dress in front of your child.
I imagine that if that was put into the divorce agreement there would be contingencies about custody if you were to dress in front of your child.
I would talk to your lawyer and see if those same contingencies could be put on her if she is responsible for your child finding out about your cross-dressing.

[sterling12]

UNLESS, she can convince the child to make an accusation against you in the future. If she has a signed document that says you won't, and takes it in front of a court, all it might take is your child's testimony that your were dressing in front of him/her. It would be your word against The Child's, whom do you think they will believe? YOU COULD LOSE YOUR VISITATION RIGHTS!

Whom is representing you? Your Crossdressing has Nothing to do with your parenting! Perhaps a lawyer skilled in representing Transgendered Persons is a necessity! If you don't know how to find one, check with your local LGBT Resource Center, or contact one of The National Organizations. Your final strategy might require someone who can get the whole mess thrown out of The Current Court. If CD is being used as an issue in The Divorce, something's wrong. Whatever happened to "irreconcilable differences?"

Your personal divorce is unfortunately one of those millions of smaller battles in The Struggle for Rights for TG People. I realize that you have gone through a lengthy ordeal during this divorce and your probably just worn out. But, it's a real possibility that you will be crying very bitter tears somewhere down the road. Your child could be put in a position of showing "loyalty" to Mom, and you are the one who will reap The Rewards!

Get The right kind of representation to fight this....do it tomorrow!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Brandiwvr]

Dear Trisha, so sorry for your loss of the relationship. I didnt read anywhere in your post that you were for the litigation process. but hon thats all it is, a business deal.
I went thru a devorce in 1994 in nebraska. long storie but i was outed by my x who had phisical coustody to are mediator and all. the mediator sided with me when i agreed to any phsyc test for being a good parent......period..... in the end i got coustody of my 8 yearold daughter and was in charge of all visits. my x was not a bad person just confused. yes i paid alot of money and it has been paid in full but i will never look back. i could have had srs for what was paid and i wouldnt change a thing. my life is fine and yes we had alot of other things happen since but i raised my kid and all that went with that.
my advise is please ask for a reasonable physc evualuation if it puts this small thing called cding to the side and keep it business from then on.
please accept that we are who we are tall short fat thin cders etc... but the show will go on BE YOURSELF AND LIVE IT TO YOUR VERY BEST . NOW GO GET THIS DEAL DONE.
if you want fEMAIL ME. bigg huggs Brandi

[Glenda]

As others have stated, you need to let your attorney take the lead on this issue. Her intentions may be good but the best of intentions often cause a lot of problems. The question she must ask herself is whether having this disclosed in a public document can have any negative repercussions on the child at some point in the future.

[Sandra Dunn]

First: She stated in the divorce proceedings that you are a crossdresser. SHE has already informed your child that you are a crossdresser. SHE is the one with the problem, not you. You have the good sense to keep your female side in check, SHE does not. You have stated that you will not dress in front of your child, SHE keeps dragging the issue up. SHE will throw this in your face from now on and WILL inform your child about your crossdressing anyway. SHE is the one that needs to get it in check.

SHE needs to go and see a shrink and learn not to force her beleifs on you or your child. By HER using this against you shows that she has some serious issue about herself. SHE needs to see a shrink like a year ago.

Try this, agree to signing the paper only if you get everything else and I mean everything else. The house, cars , money, retirement, NO child support and NO allamoney. I'm sure the state willnot let you get by without at least child support but hey I'd try it.

Your attorney should have never let the crossdressing issue come up let alone go to mediation.

HUGS Sandra

Besides SHE's not smart enough to realize that you'll only see your child like every other weekend and that gives you like every other weekend to yourself !!!!!!!!!

[Karren H]

I agree on getting an attorney... In the eyes of the ourt... "perverts" don't make good parents....

[MJ]

you need to have a talk with a lawyer. i have 3 children. the judge had no problems with me and i went to court dressed en femme. it only becomes a problem in the eyes the s.o. and there family.
my ex had the problem not me i have some family members who have a problem i don't.
so seek a lawyer talk with them your doing nothing wrong.

[Stephanie-L]

As I am considering divorce also I find this post very timely. I have consulted an attorney and a psychologist about this. As others have said, get an attorney, if you have one talk to him/her. Do NOT try to do a divorce without one. Even if there are no issues like custody, property, etc, it still is worth it. Your attorney should support you, if they do not because of your CDing, find another. CDing is not a crime anywhere in the US, and most courts won't take it into consideration unless they feel that the child could be harmed by it. This feeling is becomming less common nowadays as we becomme more accepted, but is still out there. You would probably have more trouble if you were a porn addict, even if the child never saw the stuff, than you would as a closet CD. I personally have decided to wait until my son is out of high school, about 18 months, before I start anything. One of the threats my wife used when she found out about my CDing returning (I had stopped for several years) was to tell my son. I am almost to the point when I hope to say "Go ahead, he already knows, I told him" but am not ready yet. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.....Stephanie

[Jess_cd32]

Tell her to take a hike re: adding that in legal papers that you won't cd around your child, she knows better, its called "controling you"
DON'T sign that paper whatever you do, it will only come back to haunt you and thats her plan, seen it a 100 times and it has NOTHING to do with your child, that's just her front in getting it signed.

If you do sign it, come back next year and tell us how she slaughtered you with it in other areas of your life and now you have zero accesability to your kids, lost your job over it etc... .
Don't discuss cd-ing any further with her from this point on, in person or on the phone.

That mediator sounds very biased to me as well, if your SO said you were gay don't think for a minute that would have had much impact, unlike your cd-ing seemed to have with them because, well thats just to "strange" for that mediator to comprehend.

Take her back to the drawing board w/ a new mediator and an attorney re custody. Go for joint custody primary residence w/ you as a starting point, and have a take no prisoners attitude this time.
A good attorney will make the cd-ing seem so insignificant in this matter, as it should be. Have a psychologist back that up as well about you if you continue to admit to cd-ing.

Put her on the defense now, and this is very important, call her controling and unfit because of that trait, its an age old strategy in these matters trust me I know and it helps you to win. Suddenly your cd-ing will seem petty as she'll be to busy defending herself.

Edit: One more thing, you no longer cd so why sign anything, it was a "fad thing", you did it for Halloween for fun etc..., getting the drift here?, you have no more desire to, kill the issue if you can, she's making to much out of a one time incident you did for fun etc... .

Only your words can confirm what she says, otherwise its just another angry spouse and we all know they say all kinds of untrue things in divorces right. The Courts have heard it all and make decisions based on proof, not innuendo.

Of course an amicable divorce is best, but since she wants to play hardball show her that was a mistake now if she continues.

[BrianaMarie]

My :2c:

Being a GG and friend of a CD, I read this and wonder where the hell some woman come from, what posses them to think they are being rational in their thinking and why they would totally try to destroy a relationship they just spent years building, let alone choke hold the relationship that a Father has with their child? Unbelievable! I have children, have been through a divorce and could not imagine treating someone, let alone the person I've just built my entire life around and built a family with, like this. Regardless if this person is a CD, has a leather fetish, is addicted to Porn, a workaholic, cheats, whatever it may be....they were good enough to marry and start a family with to begin with, suposively spend the rest of your life with! There was something there, some quality that connected you with that person to begin with.....no but wait, now all of the sudden they are a threat, a monster, a disgrace in some way shape or form and a possible idiot that would expose their own child? Give me a break!

This topic infuriates me, if you couldn't tell!
My questions, Is it public record? If this is put into the divorce decree will it be public record? If not, like previously stated, it's something you would never do anyway, so sign it. OR start over, go back and start fresh. Do you have a psychologist, a counselor? Take it back to mediation, you might have to do this if she doesn't back down and it will become public record. Take it back to mediation and have your psychologist testify for you on your behalf. A professional opinion goes a long, long way with the court. Put the focus on her, how controlling, how demanding, how manipulating she is. If she has these issues, who's to say she won't manipulate your child? Talk about unhealthy! I have to agree with Jess on this one, if it's brought up again, don't talk to her about it, it was a fad an experiment, a temporary fetish.....bottom line. You haven't dressed in what???? Two years? lol. How could she prove otherwise?

Ultimately in the end you have to do what you think is right for you and your child. But, keep in mind that any decisions that you make now concerning your son will without a DOUBT be around to haunt you in the future. (Been there,done that....living proof) I have to agree with Jess on this one too.

Best of luck and keep us posted on how it all turns out!

Hugs and Kisses!

[arlene123li]

With gay marriage and all that's going on in the political spectrum today, anyone who slanders in court because of crossdressing just looks like an intolerant fool. My ex stood up in court and attacked me to the judge that I was a crossdresser and it just went by without any acknowledgment by anyone.

These days with Parental Alienation becoming better known, the courts are more interested in good parents (however they dress) who care about the children, than bad parents whose goal is to attack.

Best of luck!

[monique01]

I too think you need another attorney. One that is familiar with the cross gendered or gay/lesbian community. With the trend of gays/lesbian's adopting children and the acceptance of it in courts now in most all states, you being a cross dresser seems so insignificant to most judges and any good attorney would seem to tell you that too.
I wouldn't agree to the written agreement on that as you might in future feel you want to dress again and would limit yourself to only when you child is not in your presence. What a shame to put a legal limit on yourself.
Stop and give yourself a bit of time to think that part over in your proceedings and it seems you do have lots of replies here to give you lots of room for thought.
Good luck dear,
Monique

[Joy Carter]

It will become a public document that anybody, can have accsess to.

[trisha11]

Thank you all for you advice and support. As of today I have not agreed to anything and have some time scheduled with my lawyer next week. I will keep you all updated as this issue progresses.
trisha

[JaytoJillian]

Darn, Trisha, I feel for you. Some people are just toxic. It must be tough, but I am rooting for you.

Cheers,


Jill

[trisha11]

Well girls,
I received the paperwork from my soon to be ex-wifes lawyer and let me tell you the verbage that she wanted to add was rediculous. My lawyer told me that there was no way in hell we were going to agree to anything like that. My lawyer is going to let her lawyer know via letter. I talked to my soon to be ex-wife and told her the news and she tried changing the verbage around until I would agree. I finally told her that my lawyer has advised against any language of that kind in the agreement and that it does not matter how she wants to word it we will not accept it and fight it. I think my ex-wife got the picture and dropped the discussion. I only hope that she drops this topic all together and we can get on with the divorce......
Thanks to all you girls for your feedback and comments, they all have been greatly appreciated
trisha

[lauraabdl]

Good luck Trisha, I for one was reading and listening to the replys. I find myself close to this issue these days and hope to avoid any and all pitfalls if it come down to it.
Thanks girls for this forem, its helped all of us girls more than you know.
Laura

[Vicky_Scot]

Trisha what to do is pick out half a dozen outfits that your soon to be ex wear that are horrible. Being one of the girls that should not be to difficult.

And then get your lawyer to inform her lawyer that part of the agreement is that she must never wear any of those horrible outfits in front of your child.

I wish you all the best and that you enjoy your future life.



Xx Vicky xX

[AnnaMaria]

Trisha,

My divorce was final as of Oct. 1 and to my good fortune my ex was not brave enough to say a word about the fact that I am a cd. I am not sure exactly why considering the fact that she has recently begun to show many signs of rejection to me being a cd. She also took up going to church again and claims that it is a central part of her life. Yet another reason I expected her to bring up my lifestyle.

Personally I don't understand why anyone would want to bring it up but, I realize that a lot of women do just to try to get more from the ex.

It sounds to me like even though you may think that you are giving up ground to her that you don't want to give up, you probably should just so she doesn't try to do something worse and then when all is done, as long as that part is in the custody agreement there is nothing that says that you can't take her back to court to have that changed if you decide you want to in the future.

I know it stinks but just keep in mind that old saying, "What goes around comes around."

I do hope this helps in some way.

huggs
anna

[Jennifer Cox]

Hi Trisha,

I'm just glad my daughter is now grown-up so I won't have this issue. Like the other girls said, don't put it in writing! However, for your childs sake try and keep things as amicable as possible between you and your ex. It's too easy to get drawn into a war, which will do no-one any good.