Fear Is Our Biggest Enemy

[melissacd]

I do not post as much as I used to but I do read a great many of the threads. There is a particular theme that resonates a great deal and it all boils down to the fear of the unknown.

I know a few years back I looked at all of this with great fear, a fear that for the most part stopped me in my tracks. I had great admiration for those who had gone out in public, who were comfortable with shopping, who had active cross dressing social lives.

One day something shifted in me and I realized that the only thing that separated me from them was my fears, fears that I would be discovered and my life would be ruined, fears that I would run into conflict situations in public, fears that I would be ridiculed and laughed at, fears that...you get the idea.

Once I could see that the solution was simple...just do what I fear, go out there, be in public, learn how to CD, buy clothes in male and female mode, go to restaurants and malls dressed...whatever I would normally do I had to do dressed femme.

It is tough at first but the good news is that it gets easier each time and the better news is my life has not been ruined, I have not had any great conflicts, I have been treated with respect or just ignored. In fact I am pushing the limits further now by spending all of my non-work time dressed femme to see if I can cross the next bridge which is 100% full time cross dressing.

The message is, you will never get past your fears by avoiding what you fear. For the most part, what we fear never happens and the few things that come along for the most part we can easily deal with.

Huggs
Melissa

[Celeste]

Thanks Melissa for the great confidence building post,you framed it so well,it is fear of what you can't control.I'm going out toward the end of the month,[so I need inspiration like that].

[vivianann]

You are so right Melissacd. I remember when I was afraid to go outside the house enfemme, fear was like a prison, I wanted to go out enfemme but the walls of fear were there to hold me prisoner in my home, then I decided to break through the walls of fear, even though it was only for less than a minute, it was a very liberating experience, the fear was still there but it was weaker, I kept muscleing my way past the wall of fear until I was finally free of that prison of fear. Now I go out enfemme all the time and the freedom to wear the clothes that I am comfortable in has changed my life for the better.
I hope more of us can get passed our fears and go out enfemme, because the time to come out to society is now, yeah you will get alot of questions such as, "are you gay",(I say no) "are you going to get a sex change",(I say no)"why do you like to wear dresses", (I explain why) and many more questions, be open to the questions, and do not be offended by the questions, I like when peaple ask me those questions, it gives me the opportunity to answer their questions, and to educate the peaple that we are not freaks, and that we live normal lives like anybody else does.
By answering their questions I help to break the miths about crossdressers that society has been fed by television.

[3gander7]

Great thread melissa!

I admire everyone who can do what you do.

[Kayla Shadows]

Well said

A good quote I liked is:

"I seek for no other persons opinion of me to define who I know I am,for it is not what they think that makes me,but what I know I am made of"

Fear is a hard thing to deal with sometimes.Something that can absolutely paralyzing.It can happen to the best of us.You really can be held captive by it and some people dont understand the power it can hold over you.Things are not always so simple.Yes,fear is the mind killer.Mine caused a lot of problems and regret but,there's nothing I can do about it now.I have a lot to work on but,Im doing good with some things.

In other areas,little things that I do now arent really a thought anymore.I use to be so afraid to go up and put makeup and things on the counter,lol.Now Im just like whatever.Recently I went to store and placed my things on the counter.There was this really cute girl working behind it and shes like,"these are for your girlfriend,right?",in a very smarta** but funny way.I noticed she was looking at my nails that were a little long and shiny.So I was like,"yes,absolutely",lol..in a way that was "yes,they are for me".She just smiled and put then in the bag.It was great.When you just accept things as they are and not worry so much it does become easier.

[Danielle]

I live in a street where contruction has taken the whole street:Angry3: so I have to move my Car to a street where I can park,I wake up at 4:30 am but because I decided to put on my comfortable pair of wedges and I felt fear leaving slowly I gotton stares from my neighbors but I have enjoyed walking in slingback wedges without fearI hope to soon venture out with cool friends and enjoy my first time out

[Jenniferpl]

As they say "feel the fear and do it anyway". You are never cerain of the results if you try but if you do not try, failure is 100% certain.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Fear is also good sometimes, as it gives us warnings about our enviroment, where we are, who's around us so that we can act accordingly. But it should never overtake our life, should never take it from us. We should always look at fear straight in the eye and make rational decisions to deal with it. That's my viewpoint..

[Teri Jean]

You are so right and it does work. There so many that do it has come somewhat common place especialy on the campus I work. Huggs Keli

[Kate Simmons]

It's mostly a fear of being ourself, which can go either way really. In any case, this type of fear is irrational and consumes a lot of energy, energy that could be put to more constructive use in positive self expression.

[Karren H]

Yeah... I've been walking the fine line between fearlessness and stupidity for some time..... Haven't figures which one applys.... ".

A little dose of fear is healthy... Keeps you from doing something stupid... Or worse...... unsafe!!

This so much reminds me of .................

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

[Di]

Great thread Melissa!

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You are totally correct - FEAR is our biggest worry (of our own making)

Be confident, be determined, get an attitude - act like you belong - quit worrying about how others may perceive you

I have decided that I "just don't care anymore" what others may think of me

Be strong

JoAnne Wheeler

[Nicole Erin]

And once in a while, even if you do face a bit of ridicule or some moron cashier acting stupid, no big deal. Just don't let it shatter you. Some CD's get their first taste of rejection or ridicule and want to run and hide. Don't let it bother you if or when it does happen.

See with most CD's, they just don't want to be dressed up with no where to go. It is nice to get out. So, hopefully many new outings will come for you and enjoy.

[Lainie]

1st, that I will offend a stranger. Less & less problem there, with so much experience of tolerant boutiques. Still I avoid crowds & mainstream stores.
2nd, fear of losing friends & family. Don't know how to deal with that--the risk increases as I get more comfortable with #1. I don't go dressed to museums, events & restaurants locally for fear of discovery.

[carolinoakland]

Once I crossed that line to full time l stopped being afraid. I wasn't crossdressing anymore, there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. Carol

[Nigella]

Fear can be your greatest ally or your worst enemy. It all depends upon how you use it.

As some have eluded to, you wouldn't walk into a biker bar, dressed in all your finery. The fear of what could happen stops you putting yourself at risk of bodily injury. That is fear working as your ally.

If you fear a comment or look from someone, who in 99.99% of cases wouldn't dream of talking to you, then that is fear as your enemy.

Fear is both good and bad for us, but we should let it guide rather than rule.

[TommiTN]

Nigella, that is one of the most succinct and best examples of the proper attitude I have yet read. Kudos!

[deborah84]

You're totally right about it getting easier the more you do it!

I've only been out dressed 3 times, the first of which was about 2 months ago. It was just around the block, and at night so it was dark. But I still remember being tense and nervous the whole time, thinking someone would notice!

The next two times, I ventured a bit further to the local shops where the post box is (had some stuff to post). One of the times was mid afternoon and I had to pass a few people in the street, but it definitely felt easier and more relaxed that time!

As you say, confronting your fear is the best way to get over it.

Debbie

[tricia_uktv]

Are we actually fearing other peoples fears though. I'll leave you to work that one out

[Beth785]

I have been out a few times in the past. Mostly around Halloween when it's not that big of a deal. But these past few weeks, I had been feeling the urge to get out some more. The only thing keeping me in was fear. Fear of being outed, ridiculed, mistreated, or humiliated. But you know what? I decided to get dressed up and go out anyways. The world will not end. You can't die from embarrassment. I even got my ears pierced last week en-femme and no one cares. I do have to give props to the wonderful gal who worked at Claire's. She was super friendly and helped put my fears at ease. I also have to give props to the gal at Lane Bryant today, as well. She helped me so much. She also gave me feedback on everything I tried on (which was alot! I was there over an hour and a half!) And I know for a fact both of them knew I wasn't a GG, but they didn't care.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders.

[msginaadoll]

Im at a crossroads myself. I am starting to get some braver in going out. I have gone as gina to drugstores for makeup and household cleanser. I even met a friend at a local pub( Though is in a bi/gay friendly city). I am still nervous about how I look, though have got comments from various gentlemen about looking female and willing to take me out. Even was asked to go as a date to a folk concert. That was a big bost to my ego but was chicken to go. I guess i have to continue to get more comfortable in my own skin- and the fears will lessen.

[TGMarla]

Like Gina, I'm not sure just where I'm going with this. I've done a couple of really brave (for me) things lately, but I'm not sure of myself yet. I really don't want this thing to take over my life more than it has already done. On the other hand, I'm on the threshold of doing some special things as a lady, and I'm very drawn to pushing it a bit.

But I still have a bunch of fear. And I'm still not ready for my wife to come home one day with me still in the full regalia. Big fear. Geez, if that ever happens, I hope I'm wearing something worthy of the occasion.

[melissacd]

I love the responses to this thread! I totally agree with the points being made about being careful, having fear guide you in terms of safety and I am not advocating that you be less cautious than you would normally be out in public. In fact I feel that you have to be even more aware of your surroundings when en femme. As males we can often forget how much more risky it can be for GGs out there because that has not been a big part of our experience. So it is always good to err on the side of wariness and caution when in public.

The fear that I speak of though is the fear that prevents you from going out the door at all. You have to put on your best face, do your best to dress appropriately to blend in and then just get out there and enjoy your life.

Thanks for all of the wonderful replies so far.

Huggs
Melissa

[PetiteTonya]

..and fear among other things are starting to creep into my life. I'm not afraid of being in public as my first time dressed involved a public outing.

I fear what might become of me as my urge to be "me" continues to grow. I fear I won't find balance or that it won't come quickly.

I fear I may lose love of a type that many here would die for.

Most of all I fear the lack of peace in my life. I've done most of the reading. I've engaged in alot of research, but sometimes all of these fears overwhelm me.

I'm here to read..learn more...and understand better what's happening to me.