Originally Posted by
Thalia
Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. ...
I'll vehemently agree with cindym5_04 above. What your wife is doing is illegal.
You can and, in the right moment should, counter her blackmail by noting that you will have no choice but to file a criminal complaint.
I'd be very, very direct with her. Blackmail is not a foundation for a successful marriage. Either the blackmail stops, or the counseling is for naught. Either she is serious about making the relationship work or she is not. You can offer her that seriousness by agreeing to boundaries that you both compromise on (not just her way or the highway) and live within them without question.
As to your sons that are grown; c'est la vie. They are adults. It would hurt if they turned their backs on you, but that's life.
As to your job and standing in the community; tough. Look, there's a damn good chance she's going to pull that trigger anyways.
If you can't get her to stop blackmailing you, the relationship is likely over. What I'd do, since she's going to pull that trigger anyways, is go on the offensive. Defang the blackmail. Inform your sons on your own. Inform your clients. Inform any friends. You have a MUCH better chance of retaining your sons, clients, and friends if you tell them on YOUR terms than if your wife goes blaring it out to the entire world on her terms. Before doing this, set aside some thousands of dollars such that your wife can not get access to it.
If you do this, your wife may go ballistic. In fact, I bet she will. In your shoes, I'd tell her "You left me no choice. It was better to tell these people on my terms than for you to inform them about a subject on which you are not yet knowledgeable."
This is your life. It's not hers. It's not your sons. It's not your clients. Its not your friends. Cut the woe is me song and start standing up for your life. FIGHT. It's the only chance you have of saving your marriage. Acting meek and buckling under every threat she tosses at you is a damned good way to undermine the marriage.
In approaching your clients, you might send out a mailing along these lines:
"Dear Mr./Ms. Smith,
Due to circumstances beyond my control information regarding my private life may become public in the near future. I wanted to take the opportunity to inform you that I have never allowed my private life to affect my professional life. I take your patronage of this practice seriously, and always act in your best interests regardless of any external factors.
In the United States today, there are more than ten million people who self identify as being transgendered. I am one of those millions. I am not a freak. I am not a criminal. I am human. If you would like more information regarding transgender topics, please see <insert resource>
I love my wife and children very much. I've always been faithful to them in every respect and will continue to be so. Similarly, I have always been faithful to professional ethics in my conduct with your patronage of this practice.
I recognize that some of you may not be willing to further consider your patronage of this practice given this knowledge. To you I give my thanks for your past patronage and I wish you the best in your future. For those of you who will be remaining with this office, I also offer my thanks and assurance that this office will continue as before, and nothing will change in any respect with regards to the conduct of business at this office. "
You don't need to go into details about how you are transgendered. It's a private subject. If, following this letter, your wife attempts to contact your clients with more information, call the police and have her arrested for harrassment.
Originally Posted by
Thalia
For all the years I cross dressed and I kept my secret, I enjoyed it. Little did I know that something that I enjoyed so much would cause me so much pain.
What caused you so much pain isn't the crossdressing. It was not telling her before being married. You can't correct that now, but you should not attribute to crossdressing what is attributable to a failure to inform.
Originally Posted by
Thalia
So many have told me to tell my family and friends about my crossdressing and hope for the best. If that was so easy, then why haven't so many of you done the same?
Nobody said it was easy. It's terrifying. For some, the outcome is incredibly bad. For some, the outcome is great. It is very hard to know in advance what the outcome will be.
But look at it this way; it's reasonably likely that your wife would have found your stash of clothes or some other evidence of your crossdressing eventually. This forum is full of stories of CDers getting caught. The only way one can be 100% sure of never being caught is to never crossdress or have any of the accoutrements of crossdressing. That of course is essentially impossible for a crossdresser.
Which would you rather have? Tell her yourself or have her discover on her own? Maybe she would have said nothing on discovery, and assumed it was another woman and started divorce proceedings right away. You've no idea how she would react to that knowledge.
It is incredibly selfish and self serving to not tell a spouse when there are no children involved. Not only is there substantial risk of discovery, but WHEN you die, she may still be alive (remember that on average women outlive men) and discover all of your clothes, makeup, etc. Then she'll have no one to turn to for answers. She'll never know the truth. Did you have a mistress? She'll spend the rest of her life possibly thinking you were cheating on her.
I don't profess to know the answers when their are children involved. If there are no children involved though, I feel very strongly that it is absolutely wrong to keep this from your wife.
Originally Posted by
LA CINDY LOVE
They say it is good to tell your wife that you are a crossdresser.........before you get married, not 5 10 or 15yrs down the road and when you do tell her the odds are not good for you at all.
Now you say you are going to try to stop dressing once again the odds are not good, most who try to stop........just come back it is very hard to do ...I have try myself.
No married CD wants his wife to out him to his Friends, work and family hell if I was face with that I would sign over the property too....... it is so easy for those who are not in your shoes to pass judgment.
This is why we marrieds CD do not tell are wifes, if it does not work out the cost could be too great; crossdressing is very hard on a relationship.
You say you were married for 15yrs and for 15yrs you keep your wife from finding out..........you should have wrote a book, because most of us get caught with-in the first 2 yrs, I just do not feel that you should have told her
.......she was happy.
<assuming no kids involved>
Which is better? The wife finding out by accident or being told? You note that most of us get caught within the first two years. So, better to leave it to being caught than not telling up front?
Not telling is just staving off the inevitable, and potentially leaving a wife with a zillion questions unanswered after you die and she finds your stash.