Am I to blame?

[battybattybats]

[SIZE="2"]Many women may blame themselves for being attacked. I've yet to meet another woman who blames the victim. Blaming the victim in a 'she was asking for it' way tends to be a male pov[/SIZE]

Definately many women victims blame themselves.

But indeed I have seen plenty of women blame the victims! I had many arguments with my ex girlfriend about it as she certainly blamed victims. she said, repeatedly I might add: "If they dress like a s**t it's their own stupid fault!".

And i've even seen comments of victim-blaming on some feminist blogs and the like on the net!

[Nicki B]

But here comes the part I have a feeling people will disagree with. You are ultimately responsible for your own safety. If the world worked as it ideally should, we wouldn't have need for laws, police, self defense classes, pepper spray, door locks, building codes, rearview mirrors, etc. Does the fact that someone gets robbed mean they are to be blamed for carrying their money? no. Are they to be blamed for not fighting back? no. Are they to be blamed if they were blatantly carrying their money in plain view while advertising to the world that here is an individual who is guaranteed to have thousands of dollars of cash on him? still no. The robber is STILL the only one at fault. However, if the same person still had the money and took precautions such as wearing it in a money belt, then he still might have it and never have been robbed in the first place. If someone takes self defense courses and then they are attacked and are able to fight back effectively, they are THAT much better off. My point is, you are responsible for the precautions you take in your own safety. While it is still the fault of the perpetrator, you can minimize the risk of it ever being an issue.

Of course you are responsible when you take risks - the question is, should wearing clothing that makes you feel good about yourself be a risk?

And, if you do get attacked, how does it help to take the responsibility on yourself? Yet, EVERYONE I have ever known that this has happened to, blames themselves - particularly if they didn't fight back?

The trouble is, when you are put in a high-stress environment like that, your higher brain functions are cut off - you are physiologically unable to reason your way out of it, only to respond in an instinctive fashion?

[~Kelly~]

Of course you are responsible when you take risks - the question is, should wearing clothing that makes you feel good about yourself be a risk?

And, if you do get attacked, how does it help to take the responsibility on yourself? Yet, EVERYONE I have ever known that this has happened to, blames themselves - particularly if they didn't fight back?

The trouble is, when you are put in a high-stress environment like that, your higher brain functions are cut off - you are physiologically unable to reason your way out of it, only to respond in an instinctive fashion?

While I may not have experience in the case of rape or sexual assault, I do have experience in being the victim of a violent crime. I was carjacked several years ago. While I don't blame myself for what happened, I can recognize in hindsight that the choices I made DID however contribute to me being put in the situation I was in. There doesn't have to be blame assigned to someone to recognize the need for precautions. Why do you lock your door when you leave the house? If you DIDN"T lock your door and you were burglarized would it have been your fault? NO. So why lock your door in the first place? Just because you are not to blame doesn't mean you can't recognize smart precautions that can minimize the risks of victimization. If a crime is committed against you it is human nature to ask the "what ifs" but that doesn't change what has already happened. The only thing that can help is to ask the "what ifs" beforehand and avoid the situations altogether.

[Ruth]

Toni-Lynn picked up a while ago on the OP's throwaway line about having 34DD implants. This bothered me too.
Having these things doesn't give anybody a licence to assault you, but on the other hand you should recognise that you are displaying a very potent symbol of available femininity, and one thing you may do is attract the wrong sort of attention.
This is not the same as saying you are to blame, but please, it's a rough world out there, don't be naive.

[Sarah_GG]

You are NOT to blame.

[katiej]

You are not responsible for what happened. Nobody deserves what you went through. Nobody who has been the victim of sexual assault would disagree. Maybe you made a mistake going where you did, dressed as you were, but that's all.

[BekiJ]

No. No qualifiers need. 'nough said.
Hugs
BekiJ

[AmandaM]

You are not to blame! In some countries, usually Latin ones, women can dress very sexy and act accordingly, it is a part of the culture, and they don't get molested. But, in some cultures such as ours where England was the root, a woman dressed like that is "asking for it" cause she "must be one of them". Sad but true. I think that in America more discretion is required. I only point this out cause it's just reality and I want you to stay safe.

[jillleanne]

No, of course not. The search for blame is useless and serves no purpose. The issue at hand is of one understanding the risks involved whever one is out in public and the effects on others in how one dresses. Will it increase the risk factor of assault? Is my clothing appropriate? Should I be alone at this time of day/night in these locations? What appropriate actions am I taking to reduce the risk of being assaulted? Now you know.

[battybattybats]

No, of course not. The search for blame is useless and serves no purpose.

I disagree. I think that acknowledging the real source of blame is essential for the victims healling and for society!

The blame falls on the attacker, on any who sexually abused them (there is some evidence that a small number of victims of childhood sexual abuse who go without help go on to become sexual predators and rapists) or who allowed them to get away with bullying and animal cruelty (many rapists were bullies in childhood, many commtted acts of animal cruelty. Allowing these things to go on without intervention allows those children to grow up to be rapists) and the blame falls on societies acceptance of sexism and misogyny.

Identifying the true source of the problem and being involved in stopping it is essential to stopping the crime and healling the victim and healling society.

The issue at hand is of one understanding the risks involved whever one is out in public

Useful... minutely! Most rapes are committed by people you know not strangers. They are most often comitted in the victim or perpetrators home.

Yes safety in public is important. Yes some people do get attacked in public. But people have to worry far more about their drinks being spiked or becoming vulnerable by getting drunk.

and the effects on others in how one dresses.

When an Australian Islamic Cleric said something along those lines he was considered a backward sexist whose very words and attitude harmed women. People don't rape because they can't control an irrisistable attraction to someone sexually. They do it because they want to hurt someone, to assert power over them in the most intimate and life-effecting way. Women who dressed to masculinely have been raped, out butch lesbians have been raped. Womens rights advocates have been raped. Often rape is used as a weapon of war or as a way to try and punish the outspoken from minority groups.

It's even used as a way to recruit suicide bombers by terrorists! They arrange someones rape, man or woman, then use their shame and guilt the victim feels as a tool to lever them into being ready to kill themselves and the enemy as a way to cleanse themselves of the taint of being raped.

Rape is very often political, it is hate, it is fear, it is control. It is not about attraction, sexyness, 'innappropriately' provocative dress. That way of thinking heads to the burqa and hijab and women being unable to travel anywhere without a husband father or brother or risk being stoned to death or acid poured on their faces for the crime of inviting rape!

It is not the clothing that is to blame. It is hate, fear, rage, the need to destroy the different by the terrified of difference or punish people for being who they are.

Will it increase the risk factor of assault? Is my clothing appropriate?

I've never heard of any study that showed that clothing was a factor in rape. Ever. Skin colour, out sexuality, ethnicity, religion, political affiliation... all those are factors dependant on who is hated in that area.

Should I be alone at this time of day/night in these locations? What appropriate actions am I taking to reduce the risk of being assaulted?

That at least is important. While the greatest risk is of drink spiking (and even straight men need to beware of that! There are plenty of women who spike mens drinks and rape them! It's rarely reported and rarely goes to court but it happens often enough that I know several victims offline!) it is indeed important to be safe when out, not just from rape but bashing and murder.

Stick to places with lots of witnesses. When out go with friends. Keep a mobile within a moments reach and be sure you can easilly call emergency. If someone you've met is coming round to your place ensure another friend knows and arrange them to give you one or more 'safety calls'. Always fulfill that service for friends when you can.

And above all speak out against sexism, bullying, against the devaluing of any individual, against homophobia (plenty of Gays are raped by allegedly 'straight' homophobes) against Transphobia because the rape rate of out transgender people is very high.

There are things to blame and we need to blame them. And speak out whether out or closeted.

[Gerard]

No, you are definitely not to be blamed for it.

No matter how provocative you dress, you can't be blamed for the evil deeds of other people. It was their choice to rape someone. The choice just happened to fall on you.

Agreed.

I however do think that once a rapist is on the prowl looking for a victim, a CD or TS girl might have a higher chance of attracting attention for two reasons:
- They have to put more effort into looking feminine, possibly giving out more queues.
- They want to feel feminine, so might dress up more, or more feminine, also attracting more attention.

For a closet CD, there might be the added risk of being in a secluded spot.

I think you are not to blame, I do think that you might be at a higher risk of being targeted, and should be aware of this. Most GG have had decades of training in being the weaker sex and have developed high levels of avoidance tactics by choosing behaviour, looks and locations carefully. Learning this is also part of the CD experience, something you unfortunately had to find out the hard way.

I know women who change out of their dress and high heels when leaving a party late at night. Behaviour like that carries a very fundamental assumption that a sexual predator might be out there that must be constantly in the back of their minds.

It's a lot of things like that that make the gender divide more than just looks and sound. I'm sorry to hear that you had to learn that the hard way.

[Nicki B]

The only thing that can help is to ask the "what ifs" beforehand and avoid the situations altogether.

I hear what you are saying.. But there's always a grey area, isn't there - or the only avoidance alternative is not to go anywhere, just hide.

The only time I've been assaulted in girl mode was in what should have been a very 'safe' area - a gay club, despite initially trying to move away from the confrontation. (By assaulted, I don't mean raped - I had my nose broken and my wig trashed, before I put my assailant in a headlock.)

[Annaliese]

Are you to blame, Not just no but Hell no!

Hugs Annaliese

[sissystephanie]

No, I had a tennis skirt on and a denim jacket over my top, but when I was assaulted they pulled the jacket down around my elbows and made it to where I couldn't move.

And yes, I do dress provocatively, but not all the time. Occasionally, I like to, because I enjoy the attention. I have 34DD implants, I didn't get those to try and hide them. But I don't think that makes me responsible for what others do. I don't think that what I wear automatically triggers something in people's minds that makes them unable to control their actions.

Clive, I was being facetious when I talked about only having a tube top on!

As many others have already said, when a person is raped there is certainly no responsibility on their part. What triggers that kind of reaction from idiots like those who attacked you is an unknown quantity. Still, as I said in my earlier post, for a man to dress provocatively as a woman is certainly inviting attention. Which is obviously what you want to do! Unfortunately, that can also mean the wrong kind of attention. So my advice to you is to be completely aware of your surroundings when you are dressed that way, and secondly take some self defense classes so you can beat the #### out of anyone who tries to take you again!

[dilane]

...She also brought up the time a few months back when I was spontaneously disrobed and sexually assaulted in a parking lot, saying I was to blame for wearing nothing but a tube top.

What do you think? Should I be held responsible for others actions, just because of what I like to wear?

Well, Clive, I only think you would to be to blame if you were trolling us here.

For example, your friend faults you for wearing nothing but a tube top in your original post, but then it turns out you've got a jacket on in a later post. This might lead one to think that the story isn't quite right. And this is your second assault: you have been previously raped.

I must say you are an unusual person: You are a true hermaphrodite, with both male and female sex organs. This is extremely rare. No doubt you were written up in a journal as such cases are. You have 34DD implants, and you go by a male name.

I have a friend who had implants prior to transitioning, but she was 40B, and she could barely cover them up under male clothing. With such a tiny frame (34 band size) and huge "girls", I imagine it would be almost impossible to disguise them. Are you Fulltime?

I can't wait to hear more of your stories, Clive.

-- Diane