Some friend...

[Aprilsunshine]

here is my take on the situation. you met online and found out you were a crossdresser. she probably thought it would be fun to dress a guy up like a girl. I know so many girls that love to do that. so your friends you hang out. shes a straight girl(i'm being very hetero normative here but this is all speculation), who has found one of the few guys that are caring, emotional and not an asshole(i'm guessing at least). She was thinking that you would just be friends but now maybe she is interested in more, but feels uncomfortable dating a crossdresser. Just a thought.
~ April

[ChrisP]

There is a lot more here to her comments (and behavior) than meets the eye.

May I make a small suggestion?

Speak to her again, in person, in guy mode if you can.
(With her in front of you, you can get a read on her body language and expressions).

Tell her, in as simple manner as possible, "Your comments about my crossdressing making me unlovable really hurt my feelings. I had a really long cry about this. Why do you help me and then tell me something like this?"

First of all it will be interesting to see how she reacts, on 2 levels: does she care about your feelings (i.e. does it matter to her that she hurt you), and second of all, will she make a gesture of friendship to heal the ruptured friendship. (Tears on your part are fair game)

You know, it's possible that she actually likes you, and doesn't want you to think that you'd be desirable to other women (she doesn't want anyone else to "steal" you away from her).
I had girlfriend similar to this once. My crossdressing was a way to "capture" me for a relationship with her only.

I suspect your friend has very awkward social skills as a baseline, and you are seeing the manifestation of this.
That still leaves the question of whether you wish to maintain this friendship, but more information (from your next encounter) will help to answer that.

Please keep us informed. We can all learn from an experience like this.

All the best,

Chris

[Miranda09]

I don't want to insult anybody here, but when she uses terms like "evil" and "malicious," sounds like a religous bias. Not my idea of a good friend.

[Jill]

Thanks everyone for the support, I appreciate it. Like I said before, I have tolerated her and the things she says because I've wanted someone to take me shopping and let me dress around her. She really doesn't seem to have very many friends and I'm starting to really see why. She can be very mean and rude about things, not CD related. She once told me that people with Downs syndrome should not be allowed to have sex with anyone because they would then go around raping women all the time. She really doesn't seem to care at all about other peoples feelings. I've become afraid that she will use the pictures against me because of the things she said and did to her ex-husband.

But it's weird because when we've had our shopping and dressing outings, she really seems to have fun and says so. I don't understand her at all.

I think I will distance myself from her, but I really need to get those pictures from her.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to meet accepting women?

[Mary Morgan]

I have an idea, try telling goodbye!

[TJ Tresa]

Jill, I could be worng but it sounds like she was just wanting to be friends with a CD to find out more about her brother-in-law. Unbeknown to her she would start having feelings for that someone,( which is you).
I wish you luck and hope that the two of you can at lest remain friends.

[TxKimberly]

Tough tough call.

. . . She just said, "I don't care what you do." . . .

This can be taken as an indication that she is "just" friends with you and interested in nothing further, or it could indicate she is not terribly interested in you at all. The fact that she has helped you and taken you shopping seems to imply that she must get something out of it though - either your friendship or something else, so I don't think she is quite saying "I don't care about you".

[cindym5_04]

Unfortunately I can relate two people to the situation that you're currently in. I have an ex-girlfriend who said she was supportive of me dressing, etc. Her actions/reactions overall did not show that even though she said that she wanted me to dress around her sometimes (her roommate was a cd, which is how I met her). My mother also told me that I needed mental help and that I would never find a woman to love me.

I know you need/want those photos back. It's going to be difficult to do so, I believe. If she ever uses them against you, I would take the legal route and sue her. She doesn't sound like a good, accepting friend either. I think your best bet is to get as far away from her as humanly possible.

I agree with some of the others that it also sounds like she has a religious bias coupled with a resentment for her cousin because he crossdresses. Remember- there are worse things that you could do than put on a dress and heels.

[sandra-leigh]

I really don't know what to make of this, but I do agree that it is possible that she's fallen for you a bit, possibly even partly in femme mode, and now is having great internal difficulties processing her emotions, along the lines of "Does this mean that I'm gay??"

But based upon what you said, that somehow doesn't seem like the most likely factor... though I'll be darned if I can say what is going through her mind.


Someone mentioned copyright earlier: since the pictures were not "works for hire", if she took the pictures then she is the automatic copyright holder under the Berne Convention on Copyright. Under Canadian law, the actual photographer has legally enshrined "moral rights" as to what happens with the photographs they took, even when the photographs are "works for hire" (and if you don't have a written contract saying they would be "works for hire", then court cases differ but in the majority of rulings "works for hire" has required specific contract terms.)

Under Canadian law, in such a situation she would have a legal right to display or send the pictures privately to any person or group of people whose membership was closed and enumerable and, provided that those people were given instructions that the pictures were not to be made available to anyone outside of the closed group. Contrawise, if she were to make the pictures available to any group of unknown membership or composition or without the strict non-redistribution clause, then Canadian law would deem that she had "published" the pictures -- and in Canadian law, if she was to give copies of the pictures to her best friend (say) without making it clear that no-one else was to see them, then even if that best friend thought they were marvelous pictures that did you credit and was upset that your "friend" was dissing you, if that hypothetical best friend of your friend showed the pictures to someone else, then even though the pictures never made it into your local newspaper or whatever, that would still (in Canadian law) be considered that your "friend" had "published" the pictures.

And publishing pictures of an identifiable person without the consent of person is, under a Quebec (province of Canada) Superior Court ruling that has been "read into" pretty much every other jurisdiction in Canada, a (sue-able) privacy violation at the very least (with damages increased if the pictures had realistic "commercial value".)

In Canada and the UK, if the pictures were published {in that legal sense of being made available to an unknown audience}, and the pictures tended to damage your reputation, then the "friend" could be further sued in provincial civil court for "libel" (there is also a Canada Criminal Code section known as "Defamatory Libel", but due to internal wrangling in the legal professional as to what exactly a "reasonable person" means in law, criminal libel law cases proceed only about 2-3 per year, for "big cases" usually involving someone famous for whom damage to reputation could literally have million-dollar consequences.) The point here is that in Canada and especially so in the UK, a person whose reputation is damaged can win a libel suit even when the person who "published" the information published only pure truth: in the UK especially the bar is set at "Was it necessary to publish this information and in so doing damage the person's reputation? Was there a substantial Public Good" that was achieved by the publication, such as the exposure of a major fraud?" (And yes, if the reason for publication in the UK was to expose a minor fraud that doesn't do "much" harm, then the person exposed can win the libel case in the UK, even though they are "guilty" in a legal sense.) This situation in the UK has a serious legal consequence: non-residents of the UK can sue -in- the UK under UK "was this really necessary?" libel laws, provided that it can be shown that the defamatory material was readily accessible from the UK (even if no-one in the UK bothered to look, if they could have accessed the information readily (e.g., pictures published on facebook), then the UK will grant jurisdiction for the suit. (There are some famous internet "third country" defamation law suits that have been fought and won under exactly these criteria.)


But there I go, blabbing on again, and not even addressing the question directly And it doesn't even tell the original poster how to smooth over relationships with the "friend" long enough to get (all!) copies of the pictures (beware automatic backups and "undelete" programs!)... at best the above talk about your rights and options if the pictures do get released. But sometimes (often), if someone is threatening to exposure you, they will be completely scared off by a calm statement that "I was concerned you might say something like that, so I have consulted other people on this matter, and they have indicated to me several civil and criminal laws that such an action would violate; I recommend you reconsider this matter, as the potential consequences of such an action are much more serious than you have likely considered."

[Xenia]

OK, I'll play armchair psychologist here.

She's getting off on controlling you. She sees that your secret makes you vulnerable, and she's enjoying the feeling of dominance that knowing about it gives her. Honestly, the behavior you're describing--acting like she likes you and has fun with you, but then turning around and hitting you with comments specifically calculated to wreck your self-esteem--is absolutely classic for a psychologically abusive relationship.

I'm curious about the circumstances of your online meeting. It wouldn't surprise me if she went looking for someone to exploit for her own pleasure.

I'd tell you what you should tell her next time you talk to her, but the filter here keeps turning the first word into four asterisks......

[Trip_rockcity]

.Play her at her own game.. tell her u think she has a point.. and u see sense.. get the photos back.. dump her.. and every thing goes back to normal..(^^,)

[Ruth]

I don't think the photos are a serious factor in the situation. She can't really do anything harmful with them without a lot of effort. In fact if you approach her about them you are more likely to focus her attention on them. Just avoid her. Forget the photos, forget her.

[Rachel Newark]

To Quote Dan Savage:

DTMFA

this is not a friend.

and also, in response to the threat of , well, blackmail,

Publish and be damned.

Run Away ( Python even!)

Better luck next time

Rachel Newark

[Hope]

I have wanted to terminate the friendship in the past but she has pictures of me in drag and I'm afraid she might use them against me.

She sounds like a real winner. And a great Christian.

Not.

Do this:

Dump her sorry a$$, do it quickly and if you like painfully. If she gives you static, tell her you didn't realize what a horrible bigot she was and that you don't want to hang out with her any more.

If she tries to blackmail you, remind her that cross dressing, while perhaps embarrassing for some, is not a crime; but blackmail is.

Then never have a thing to do with her again. EVER.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...Thoughts? Comments? Feedback?

What is your personal tolerance threshold and how much patients do you have?

As a friend, I'd say this one is a real dud. There is nothing here I would consider real friendship material.

However, you've got an opportunity to educate this woman on the realities of being a crossdresser. She's obviously been filled with the same BS many of us were (and most of society has been) - the lies and negative cliches about crossdressing.

Do you think you can continue to communicate with this girl, given how she feels about who you are? If so, do you think you can plant a few seeds of truth in her head? She'll likely shoot down everything you have to say, and perhaps quote this or that in making her (false) points. But if you can plant a few seeds of truth in her head before you part ways, you might just open up another mind. We need ALL the open minds we can get!

This is who we are, NOT something we're addicted to or some kind of curse satan put on us or a mental sickness. It is a misunderstood personal trait - like being left-handed, athletic, or artistic. The only difference is this particular personal trait has a social stigma attached to it... and people are not educated about the realities and therefore perpetuate their own negative myths.

If you can't stand to be around it, it is very understandable. I would not consider someone like this worthy of my personal time. BUT if I thought I might be able to get through to her or educate her just a little, I might take the time to do so. It is so important that people be taught the truth and this senseless BS is put to rest!

I'm sorry your "friend" turned out to be like this. I can only imagine how it felt to be turned on like that, so to say. See what you can do with her before sending her on her way. There are other people far more worthy of your time... but this one is in need of some education on the realities if you're up for it.

[Rachel Morley]

......... she believes that no woman will love or accept me as long as I crossdress and that I need to quit for good.

Someone (a GG) once said that to me too, and I even used to believe this myself, but don't worry it's not true. Ok, women who love and accept crossdressers might not be in the majority but there's plenty of them out there. Trust me.

[Alice Torn]

My friend, at 55, and still with no romantic SO, I am finally realizing, maybe its not so bad being alone unattached. The dating life i have had, has been very stressful, mostly. Dating, is not like the 1950's, today! I heard a man on the radio 25 yrs ago quote an old proverb, that goes like this: "He who is wise walks alone." Maybe it is best, for singles like us, to stay alone, and just have platonic relationships. But, there is always that wife shaped void we have to control. Maybe have one good discussion wth her, and, if she stays the same, make tracks. You have a lot of helpful input on here.

[trannie T]

Statements like "nobody will love you" are very typical of an abusive relationship.

You have two choices; 1. Walk, 2. Run.

[TSchapes]

Excuse me for saying so, but she's a manipulative bi**h! To help you dress, and do makeup, then trash you like that? What the f? If you are evil, then she's just a guilty! (you're not btw).

Dump her like yesterday's garbage...

If you break up with her, and she uses this CD information against you, she's the evil one X2.

Unbelievable!

-Tracy

[Jill]

Just to be clear, this woman is not my girlfriend or significant other, she's just a friend and only a friend.

[Jessica Who]

That is very strange because while she says that crossdressing is evil she is not only condoning it but assisting you in it. I would continue to tell her that it is not evil or wrong, just you being yourself. Those comments are hurtful though, I'm sorry you are enduring that.

[Alice Torn]

There is another word, for people like her...and my family of origin...CRAZYMAKERS!

[goofus]

Someone (a GG) once said that to me too, and I even used to believe this myself, but don't worry it's not true. Ok, women who love and accept crossdressers might not be in the majority but there's plenty of them out there. Trust me.

I agree with Rachel! Look at how many loving and accepting gg's are on this forum for crying out loud!

[Miranda09]

I agree with Rachel! Look at how many loving and accepting gg's are on this forum for crying out loud!

That would be nice if you're right. Would love to meet one!!

[Joni Beauman]

I suspect that this attitude is rooted in a particularly paternalistic "religion" widely practiced in your state. Sets up a framework where crossing over would be some kind of heretical event. Perhaps she was dabbling with the devil for a vicarious thrill but saved herself at the brink of eternal ...uh, whatever. I say Run! - or perhaps question the very foundation of her world view. That might be fun. Joni.