Sister stated no forgiveness for who i am

[Gerard]

I read you're in a terrible bind, and I hope you find a solution. I don't fully understand your story though and I have some advice that might or might not work.

She found out about my CD and can not forgive me for the selfishness that i imposed on her, and that as we grew up i was her rock and her rock didnt apear in a dress. She wrote a letter of discuss and was a last time she spoke with me.

If I understand it correctly, your sister is disgusted by the idea of you crossdressing to the point that she doesn't want to talk to you? And before this little fact was known you were really close? Did she run into you while you were dressed or what happened? Is it the CDing itself, or the fact that you never told her? It sounds like it's not the entire story.

Now five years later as my son heads back for his second tour of duty in iraq,
he was on leave and stoped by her house, and questioned why we never talk about each other or vist, and he racalled another time where we there for each other, so she cryed and could tell him, so he asked me and i told him that the answer right now would only cloud your judgement and in a combat sisuation you need to focus on your mission.

I don't know your son either, but on the one hand this will leave him with a lot of questions while serving, on the other hand the military isn't a very accepting place for deviant behaviour. How do you think your son would react? He is younger, but neither the profession, nor the conservative attitudes of the rest of the family give me much hope.

But i will resolve the issue and things will be like they were befor when you return home.

That might now not happen.

The first time i have ever had to lie to him how selfish is that of me, once again she proves her point.

I think you were lying to protect him, which is a good thing. I still don't understand what your sisters point is.

So i went to her house to say hello and see if there has been a change in her impression of me. And she said no that she could never accept it or share the concept on any leval.
And asked me to leave and said telling my boy would only hurt him as much as i hurt her.

I think in the end with what has already happened, you'll not be able to keep it a secret from your son. He will want to know. Having secrets with people that close, that they know about, will drive a barrier between you.

I never meant to bring her into Nadeens life, and it was a mistake on my part and by mistake she found out and i only question if i was forthright would the outcome be differnt.

It doesn't seem so, the problem seems to be her image of you, not that you kept something secret from her?

It has now become a issue with my wife since my son left and he asked her and she said she failed to correct a charector defect in me 24 years ago but that would not be the case anymore when he come home.

Ow. That must have hurt a lot.

So she demanded that every thing of Nadeen existance disapper from the residence or live that way of life somewhere else.

Those are big words. I feel for you.

How it sucks to be me right now but i come back to this forum tonight cause it not a way of life its just me.
I have found the comfort of this forum and to be able to share and i dont know what tomorow will bring but in the interm i would like to say thanks to every one here best wishes to all. Love Nadeen

I glean two things from your story:

- The people around you are very conservative. Not only that, but the kind that if something doesn't fit into their world image, they want it to disappear so they can ignore it. It's a kind of attitude I find really hard to grasp, especially when concerning loved-ones. You are in the middle of it, that makes it very hard.
I can see the Pope thinking that as long as he tells that pre-marital sex is bad, then teen pregnancies won't happen. But real people should know that the world doesn't work that simple. Even Sarah Palin had a pregnant teen daughter.

- You don't seem to be very good with words. This will make it even harder on you, especially when talking to the women in your life, as they usually are better at those kinds of things.

I also get the impression that you are very insecure, and that you blame yourself for everything that has happened. Given what little I know, that doesn't seem to be the case. It's more the inability to accept you as who you are by your sister and wife that is the problem. But then I don't know their side of the story.

Now I don't have any real advice, just a couple of ideas to help you handle the future.
1) If you want to tell your son, maybe write a letter for him to read when he comes home. I think it might give you more time to find the right words and he will hear your version before he hears what your wife and sister think. There might even be people here who can help you write it.
2) Determine who you really are. From what I've seen on this forum, the CDing for most is a part of what people are and not something they can really stop doing. Accept who you are. Maybe hide it to avoid upsetting other people, but don't be ashamed of it.
3) Determine if you want to try and repair your relation with your wife, sister and son. You will have to confront them in a very painful way. Again, writing things down and using a letter might help. Make sure that it's clear to everyone (especially your son), that it's them turning you down, hurting you and themselves. As far as you're concerned you would want to continue just as before, nothing needs to change, right? Make them understand that you can't live a lie.
4) Really make clear to yourself what your options are. Are you willing to try and live without it, knowing that probably it will be a lie and make you unhappy and come back to haunt you? Do you think that would be a happier life than living without your wife (and son?) if it really would come that far. It's a hard choice, but the discussion with your wife will be much clearer if you know which option you prefer in the end. If you want to stay with your wife no matter the restrictions, then in the end you'll have to accept that she has control of the discussion. If on the other hand leaving her is an option to you, your position in negotiating with her is much stronger. It's a hard bargain and it will hurt either way. You will also need to find out if she still wants to be with you, so you know what the negotiating space is.

I wish you the best of luck. My first advice would be to try to write that letter to your son, even if you end up burning it. It will help you find the words to tell who you are. In the end it is about who you are and if they can accept that. If their minds are so closed that they rather hurt themselves and you than accept the reality, then you should not blame yourself.

Finally I want to say that if the problem is that you lied to them who you are, then you are to blame. But it seems that the problem is that they can't accept you as you are, and then they are to blame, it's their own closed minds.

I hope you will find a solution. In the end it's confidence in yourself that leads to happiness.

[stephaniesacd]

as I read thru your post. I cannot imagine what kind of supposed selfishness you have imposed on your sister by just being who you are. I also have a son in the marine corps. who is shortly due to deploy for his second tour in Afghanistan and I have to agree with your decision to not answer his question prior to his deployment. It sounds to me as if your wife knew about (in her words) your character flaw 24 years ago and is just now wanting to do something about it. It is not a character flaw and if she knew about it, she has at least as much explaining as you do. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out better than you hope it will.

[dawnmarrie1961]

I don't get this canard of "choice" that keeps coming up, even on these pages...

What does it matter if you chose it or not? Who cares and why should they? It just is... Leave it be. Chose not to talk about choice as if YOU would chose anything else. Your preference is yours alone - only you need wonder about it. And, you don't have to that if you don't care to.

Until recently, most polls indicated vanilla was the favorite ice cream flavor. It apparently is now number 2... Did anyone ever ask why more people liked that flavor and did anyone ever try to defend their "choice" when they indicated a flavor? It would be nearly pointless to try - and you'd only care if you sold ice cream anyway, or, wanted Dad to buy your favorite instead of little sister's... Mostly though, it's just a matter of how you're put together, what you got used to, what you "like" and so forth. Nothing more. As for God, God oughta know what we're all up to and God seems content to leave us be. Sound familiar?

If you think about it, two kids arguing over "Which is better.. chocolate or vanilla; ford or chevy?" is going to sound a lot like these unimportant, non-vital arguments about crossdresser or not, gay or straight, pota-toe/pota-taa. That three kids could argue and that two of them might "out vote" the other isn't proof of anything but that 66% is a defined majority. It's not really a "win" of any kind and doesn't make for right OR wrong.

Freedom is the word we use to allow people free choice in how they engage in THEIR "pursuit of happiness."

So, give it up, folks. It doesn't matter why you like something, it's that you like something. If you chose anything, you chose to do what YOU like and you have no more chance of changing yourself than you do of changing anyone else.

Live free or - live less free. Free is better... Go for that.

Mary,

Unfortunate as it may seem. Because we live in a world the is inhabited by more than just ourselves and we "chose" ( The key word being "choice") to interact with them on a daily basis we have to sometimes see things from their prospective in order to understand where exactly they are coming from in order to establish lasting relationships with them. Otherwise we are all just ships on the ocean of life. Acknowledging each other only to avoid collision. Which can lead to a very lonely existence. Because we make the "choice" not to sail by our self. We "chose" to be a part of a fleet. Collision is therefore inevitable but manageable. Freedom on the high seas only gets you so far. Then you spring a leak. If you are sailing by yourself who are you going to ask for help when you need it. Doesn't mean you have to give up you ship. Just means you're "human".

Be safe. Be smart

[MsJanessa]

Its your sister who is the problem here, not you----cding is not a character defect---look at Bev GGs post in the thread below---it looks to Me that both your wife and your sister are extremely closeminded---one could understand a wife being upset about it---they after all have to live with it----but a sister not accepting it, particularly when its not "in her face" is a little over the top---sounds to Me like she's a bit of a control freak---but that's life--we can't chose our relatives--and for what its worth--I think you handled the situation well. andBTW when a spouse starts giving ultimatums, it may be time to take them up on their take it or leave attitude and leave. Just my two cents.

[dancer1]

I was just writing back to Kristen Kelly and told her how much i love and feel loved for who i am by everyone here. And today was long and still not over so here iam with understanding in the most emence measure on earth with all in this forum that have never even met me in person and they care about Nadeen And for that reason alone my tears are that of joy for your compassion and friendship. I will have to deal with the situation but just as i need my son to focus i need to focus on my work too i have built up a customer list of nice people who i care about thier homes and family and well being, and its has nothing to do with money at this point ,my father once told me the measure of person ability to achive trust and respect will insure him a list that will fight for pole barers position. My dad past on and he was right, there was no empty space available carrying him up the hill.
Love Nadeen Thank You ALL

[Crysten]

Wow. Well, what's to be done? Seems she's given you an ultimatum. "Either change yourself COMPLETELY or you can forget your relationship with me".

My response to ultimatums being thrown at me is generally not so good. Sounds to me like she has WAY more issues than you have.

Maybe there are other underlying problems here? Maybe ignorance on her part? Why were you her "rock" growing up? Is she unstable/insecure?

1. Tell your son. There is no good time, you just have to do it.
2. Talk to your sister. "I love you" is a good way to start
3. Be yourself. If she doesn't like it, well, oh well, her choice

Crysten

[Ediosa]

Nadeen,
I have to agree with most of the girls here. Tell your son, talk to your wife about ultimatums, and your sister tell her this, "I love you, but if you can't get over this situation, then there is no reason for us to ever talk again, this is something that you have a problem with, not me. I will be here when you want to talk about it. I love you and good bye." Other than that, there is nothing to be sorry about and you haven't lied.

[Bev06 GG]

Did it occur to you that your sister was selfish in blaming you for the breakup? Then compounding the problem by saying it was something mysteriously wrong with you? Planting all kinds of horrendous notions in your son's head? And your wife does the pile on...character flaw? What the heck is that?

Both of these fine upstanding examples of people have forgotten about your son and his feelings. Especially when he's about to embark on such an important mission. I'm so concerned about what's going through his head right now.


Love, Tracy

My sentiments too Tracy well said. I'd be very concerned now if I was the Auntie of someone who was going off to do such a noble thing that needed absolute concentration and focus of mind and I'd acted so selfishly with my send off. Lets hope he's mature enough as a soldier to put everything to the back of his mind and concentrate on the job in hand because distraction is the last thing he needs right now.
I'd be very cross with my sister for being so selfish as to consider her own needs over and above her nephews at such a critical time, whatever must she have been thinking. There are times when its OK to be angry and take the bull by the horns just so long as that anger isn't personally directed and vindictive toward your sisters attitude. Your relationship may never recover with your sister but I think the main thing here is to assure your Son that there is nothing wrong with you and this gulf between you and your sis is purely down to lack of education and fear of the unknown on her part.
If you do decide to tell your son, and you know him better than we do, dont make excuses or make it sound like something dirty and sordid. It isn't something to be ashamed of and hidden away , it is just an alternative lifestyle which you happen to enjoy. To be honest I think that any man who can donn a dress and stand up to be counted has more balls than your average regular guy. Although its ok to be angry at your sister dont be too harsh on her unacceptance. In her mind she has lost the rock that she depended on, sounds very much like she is actually very insecure herself and needs strong people in her life to lean on. I guess your best hope here is to try and convince her that you still are the person that strong person that she so depended on, but making excuses and cowering away isnt going to convince her of that. Stand up to her in a gentle way and make her realise that you still are and could be that Rock that she so misses and that taking the stance that she is doing is only serving to drive you further away.
Take care and hope things work out OK for you
Bev

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

its just clothes people,,,,,,

your sis is the one whos bein selfish,,,,

[Joy Carter]

This is why I keep it a home. I'll never tell my family. My heart goes with you sister.

[Joanne f]

Your sister has it in her mind that it is what you are doing is the thing which is stopping her from speaking to you therefor it is you that is stopping her (in her eyes), so you could try and turn that around so that she sees it is herself that is blocking things between you , by going to her and saying , i respect your wish`s and thoughts on the matter so i will stay away from you as that is what you want .
Then maybe and it is just a maybe your sister might start to realise it is her that is stopping things between you both .
Now i do not know if you done the right thing or not with your son as that is for you to judge as you know him best, but in my experience it is better to know something rather than having to guess or spend a lot of time thinking about what it might be as we always seam to think the worst when we dont know the truth .