Maybe it was a HORSE SHOE NAIL?
Because of the nail, the horse was lost.
Because of the horse, the rider was lost.
Because of the rider, the battle was lost.
Because of the battle, the war was lost.
All because of a horse shoe nail!
If u CAN'T, or r unwilling to give up your CDing, I think u may LOSE THE WAR!:brolleyes:
( Or, U could always STOP FIGHTING!)
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Having been through much the same thing several years ago. And seeking out a therapist. Both the therapist and I agreed that unless both parties are willing to attend the sessions about the only thing that will be gained is for you to accept who you are.
If both parties attend then their is hope that some compromise can be reached. So that both can accept who you are. Most likely there will be little chance that you will be able to completely give up dressing, If you do there is a very good chance that you will be misserable and will never be happy.
My ex refused to go to the sessions with me. I was able to accept who I was and tried to change and was very unhappy and it didn't last but a couple of months. I strated dressing in secret again and quickly decided that, that was no life and I could live that way. So I talked to her and we together made the choice that it was better to go our seprate ways. We only had one daughter still in high school and she was a senior so that made it some what easier.
But after having said all that you have to make your own descison no one can do it for you. So I would like to wish you all the LUCK in the world and hope that you can find some happiness some where done the line.
Hi Jenna,
I can relate to what you're going through. I've had to walk a fine line of choosing which to be - myself, or what someone else wants me to be. I've chosen to compartmentalize my life at this point and do both when the situation is needed or the opportunity arises. By not living for my Ann side, I get depressed, and that's not good for my wife or my kids. So, I live enough of her life so as to keep my sanity. It's clearly biological with me - it's in my DNA.
So, it's time for your wife to choose what's best for her, a depressed husband, or a glowing, vibrant one, full of life. If she can't see that then there's something wrong with her perspective, and that's something therapy can help with if she's open to it.
So, be yourself, as it's what you were created to be. But balance that with what you've committed to be for the time being and try to work a balance between them.
Here's a hug for you, friend!
Ann
Jenna,
I know a lot of GGs have posted some quite harsh but accurate remarks. I will not post those again, because it has been already said. And I don't wish to beat a dead horse.
However, I will say, no matter if you were a CDer, a TS, or whatever thing you want to put in here, you must stop the lying. No one can live a lie, because eventually the truth does come out. And when the truth comes out, it is no longer you who are in control. Once started little, it grows and grows and grows. Look at how badly it is hurting you, your marriage, and possibly your children whether you see it or not because of your unhappiness.
You can't change the past. The lies have been told, the trust has been betrayed. BUT you can change your future. You can start now, by accepting who you are and NOT lying. Put those lies down because trust me you will be more worn out than you are now. Tell your wife the truth and then stand back and see what will happen. You MUST give her the chance to process and make a decision what is best for her. You haven't given her that opportunity yet. Wouldn't you like the same for yourself if the roles were reversed?
“Much education today is monumentally ineffective. All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.”
John W. Gardner
>>But the questions from my wife started again as she noticed that I had shaved. Again, I could not tell her what went on. The reason for this is if I do tell her my marriage would be over, no questions asked.
Is that really the reason you couldn't tell her...
That your marriage would be over?
Really?
Would you have a problem telling her that you masturbated while she was gone? That you used some "things" to enhance the experience? That it was almost shockingly great?
I mean, what's the foul here? You get off on your own. That's what I'm reading in your post. Why would she have a problem with that if she isn't there - and you got back to, "business as usual," when she got back? It's your time; where's the crime?
So, married for years with three kids. Yep, you are one useless, messed up, unreliable dude...
Oh, wait... You'd didn't mention running around on her with *****s, gambling to excess, fondling children, beating dogs to death. OK, maybe you're not so bad.
Look, football, sex, and, life are all games of inches.
Instead of worrying about winning or loosing the game on the next play, how about just trying to move the ball a little - in some direction? Maneuver...
If she'd not up for hearing about the CDing, bring up the sexy dreams, the fantasies, the Internet travels.
You two keep having "do or die" talks about the CDing.
Bring up some other things to put it, CDing, into perspective. You're not the worst person in the world, and, much of what you do, "Is just guy stuff." Especially when it comes to ways to have sex, "somehow, someway." That, my friend, is your "get out of jail free card." Every male has this wild card in their nature. Who generally doesn't think that? Men! Work it.
Relax. Open some wine. Talk. Everyday. What woman doesn't want to talk about something, daily? Be her friend and let her warm up to you and "your ways."
And, remember, "inches."
You've got years of smoother sailing, if you take the long way around to this.
Originally Posted by Tamara Croft
Seriously? How can you even say that? Did you even bother READING any of the other posts? Like.. for example, that he didn't disclose that he was a CROSSDRESSER BEFORE MARRIAGE... so why the hell should she accept that part when she didn't even bloody know about it in the first place hmm? She doesn't need to do anything, her husband is a liar... or should she accept thatpart of him to eh? Jesus effing Christ... get real already :Angry3:
In no way did i mean to spark so much anger. When reading Jenna's post i took it as just that, her 1st post. I didnt see the need to go thru several other older posts just to respond to this one. Maybe in the furture i will.
And again i did not see where she didnt reveal the truth before marriage i only sawWhen seeing this it never occured to me that the one might happen before the other and i only saw it as her not accepting her Cding and trying to ignore it all the while. Again i fault this to only myself for not reading the earlier posts. I never ment to stoke the fire and i apologize if i have.have(or was) been a crossdressers for years. I am married with 3 beautiful children for 15 years.
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an
experiment."
"Give all to love; obey thy heart."
Both by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Killing posts... since 2009
I also can relate to your situation. My CDing was very limited for years and years. Fortunately for me my wife is more accepting than yours. But it sounds like your wife will not accept the present you. You probably come clean as hard as it may be. However, only YOU (no one here can) can make the best decision that is best for you and your family. It may take years to get it sorted out.
KarenCDFL, I laughed out loud about the Nancy Grace comments. And I agree with most of your post.
I have seen many posts on here giving some great advice, but one thing I haven't seen on here is the direction and action needed to correct a problem that has opened a hole so wide that it's hard to get out of; I am not saying I will either, but I hope this gives you some new insight to your problem. I recently went through a court ordered anger management class because of a domestic violence issue; fortunately no one got hurt, but it all started when my sister in-law disciplined my child in front of me for something she had said was acceptable for him to do. I went to jail because I held on to my wifes wrist so that we could talk things through about OUR children and the discipline we give them and not what her sister thinks about the discipline that WE give them. Anyways the point I'm making is, is while taking this anger management class they taught on a subject that hit a homerun. When we are angry we must admit that we are angry, when we are jealous we must admit we are jealous, when we are lying to our spouses we must admit we are lying to our spouses. I had a difficult time with this and I still sort of do, but I have grown a lot since taking this anger management class. I tell the truth most of the time now, but when it comes to a spot where I feel vulnerable I tell a small lie, but in the end tell my wife that I lied to her and have a heart to heart with her about what the REAL problem is. So the first step to solving any problem is admitting that you have a problem. When talking to your spouse don't say that I have a problem, say WE have a problem and the solution is around the corner, but further than what you may like.I have found that when talking to my spouse about my crossdressing I tell her that I have an addiction to wearing womens clothing; all my life I have had this fascination and desire to wear womens clothing and have done so and this is what I have built myself into and this is WHO I AM. I recently told her I bought a dress and she said instantly return it when it gets here. I told her that I had started dressing again and she looked shocked, but horrified; I gave her the line above about me being who I am and then I told her that the main reason I ordered dresses was because I had worn her clothing and decided that it wasn't the best idea and that I wanted to respect her as an individual by not wearing HER clothes so I bought my own. She then allowed me to keep the dresses I bought yesterday and today because of the respect to keep the boundaries of her clothes and mine and not dressing when the kids are home. I told her i'm not gay and I have no desire to become a woman. I also had to tell her the best part about being a man is having sex and being able to please her in many different sexual ways this being one of them. I have ordered 2 dresses and these will be my first dresses that actually fit and will be allowed to wear on a scheduled basis. It's like happiness you have to make someone else happy before you can really truly be happy yourself and that includes making sacrifices that you may not like, but if those sacrifices allow you to be happy with who you are and what you want to aspire to then I say take the hit and allow yourself to flourish.
Yes to both. You are living a lie with your wife, and you do need to be Jenna for yourself.
There are many GGs who cannot support the CDing to the point of actively participating in it. But these wives realize the CDing is not going away and in the interest of keeping their marriages, they are able to negotiate times when their husbands can express themselves: they either make themselves scarce while their husbands dress, or the couple negotiates times when the husband can go out to support groups, events, etc. Some members in this forum dress when they travel and this satisfies everyone. These wives are not being lied to even though they do not support the CDing.
There are wives who simply will not hear of it. Ever. They treat the CDing as if it is an option, which we all know here it is not. I often wonder the reasons a wife might take this stance. Maybe she has a religious or moral objection to the CDing. Or maybe there are other issues or resentments in the marriage which make it hard for the wife to want to cooperate. A feeling of betrayal over having been lied to is a valid source for resentment but if the wife does not feel betrayed in other areas of the marriage, this particular resentment should eventually dissipate.
Or, a wife may accept the idea that the husband wants to dress occasionally, but if she senses that the CDing is growing in importance to the point of becoming the preferred activity over all else, then she may be afraid to cooperate. It makes sense to me this situation would exist if the husband is not truthful about the extent to which he wants to express himself. So the wife feels lied to again.
If the marriage has other issues, the stress over this could cause the husband to want to dress even more and be less willing to find a compromise. You did say earlier that even though you love your wife and kids, the prospect of leaving the marriage to have the freedom to dress is exciting. So maybe your wife senses this and she feels that if she gives you the green light to dress she and the kids will no longer be the priorities in your life.
There are ways that couples can make some compromises. But it seems you and your wife are at an impasse: she doesn't want you do dress at all, she doesn't want to seek marital counseling, you do not want to live your life having to supress Jenna, in fact you may wish to be Jenna far more than your wife may become comfortable with should she come to accept your need to dress eventually. It does sounds as if there is no room for negotiation and perhaps you are correct; the marriage will end without having been able to get to the root cause of your wife's issues with the CDing or the other issues in your marriage.
Wishing for both you and your wife to find ways to balance all of this together.
It does sound here as if you get far more pleasure and fullfillment being Jenna than taking on your role as husband and father?
I'm reading in between the lines Levea, but I think you meant that Jenna should overcome her guilt over expressing herself. I agree with this. But I am hoping the 'nothing wrong' refers to being TG, and you were not implying that lying to his wife is OK.
I take this as meaning that Jenna should respect his wife and kid's wishes to not see him dressed. I agree.
Well, no one can force anyone to do anything, unless the 'forcee' allows himself to be forced. It was Jenna's, not her wife's decision to purge in the past, because Jenna did not want to be honest with her wife.
Again reading between the lines, did you mean that ideally Jenna's wife (or any other wife) should come to see that the CDing is an inherent facet of their husbands? I agree with this. But unfortunately this is not Jenna's situation right now. I also take it you mean if Jenna and her wife cannot find a way to work out their differences, then it would be best for both of them (not just Jenna), to leave the marriage and find more suitable partners for themselves? I agree with you here too.
Apologies accepted! You're not the only one who's read posts too quickly. Also it is very easy to misread the intent posters have behindh the words, and it does take a bit of practise to find ways to say things that cannot be interpreted otherwise.Again i fault this to only myself for not reading the earlier posts. I never ment to stoke the fire and i apologize if i have.
Reine
Did you feel the earth move? The shifting of the continents perhaps? Oh? You didn't? Well, it's one of those rare times when Tamara and Olivia are in complete agreement.
Yep, doesn't happen often but it gives me yet another chance to repeat my mantra; your partner deserves to know that you crossdress before they say "I do". There, I feel better nowO
I don't want to psychoanalyze anything, I'm not qualified. However, I can empathize about your seizure of the opportunity to cross-dress, shave your body hair and indulge in sexual experimentation when your family was on vacation. I can also sympathize with the subsequent guilty purge of your clothing and photos, having gone through the same sequence of events several times myself.
Many cross-dressers, surveys indicate the majority, are heterosexual and don't desire sexual relations with men. Some are transsexuals, who desire to assume the feminine role in sexual intercourse. If they also enjoy sexual relations with women, I suppose that they should be called Bi-transsexuals. Being one of the latter, I can't speak to the situation of heterosexual CD's. However, I can tell you that if you are a transsexual cross-dresser, the need for a sexual release will not disappear, and eventually you're going to be caught out in circumstances that cannot be prevaricated away. If your wife is angry because she caught you crossdressing, it isn't pleasant to imagine the wrath you will receive if you're caught in an affair with a man or another CD/TS, or if she discovers your stash and it contains sexual toys.
You need to be honest with yourself, first and foremost. If you are Bi or Trans, acknowledge it to yourself, and then decide how to deal with your marriage. I know men who have made accommodations with their wives under the circumstances, but they have been honest with themselves and their spouses in order to reach such accommodations.
There's another thread on the forum which asks GG's which is worse, an affair or a discovery of crossdressing? I would submit that having both problems occur simultaneously would devastate you and your wife both, and of course the marriage.
I want to thank everybody for their responses. It is obvious by the tone of some of the responses that I have offended some people. Let me make something very clear, I am not defending myself for lying, nor am I saying it is right. What I am trying to say is that I have backed myself into a corner and am trying to get out of it without destroying my wife. What I did not say in my previous message was that there is a deep hatred that my wife has for this type of life. So deep that it cannot be talked about to her. I kid you not, this is true. The guilt that I feel is that I have never been honest with her about this. But when you have hid this your whole life, it is not easy to come out and say..."Hey, look at me I am a crossdresser!" I fell in love with Maria when I met her, but could not overcome the need to dress. I am very attracted to women. I do not have any attraction for men. My wife did not understand this. She thinks that because I have this disease, as she calls it, it means that I am gay. Her opinion is that I should not have the desire for this, hell, she thinks that I should never even think about it. Any attempt to talk about it always ended up in some serious insults from her. As I said earlier, there is no excuse for lying, but I have lived like this my whole life and did not know how to "come out" to her. I hope this explains my story a little better.
Jenna
Please read any and ALL posts that recommend THERAPY for both u and your wife ASAP!
Failing that, if I were u, I would buy a jumbo lottery ticket! Because I think that's about the same odds u have of making your marriage WORK!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
You both need therapy or your marriage is going to break up and your children will suffer the consequences - which I'm sure is a factor in the choices you've made. I don't think you two can sort this out on your own. Not talking about it only makes it worse. If you both are unable to confront this then it WILL destroy your marriage.
Don't become another statistic.
Last edited by gemsay32; 10-08-2009 at 03:17 AM.
I need to add a couple of things. I am not currently dressing. I have not dressed since July. I am trying to make things right in my wifes eyes. What is happening as a result of this is that I am not myself. I cannot sleep or think clearly and I have become very irritable. I also think about Jenna quite often. The problem is that Maria is so against this whole world that I cannot even speak about it. My situation is differnet than a lot of others. I want to be in a world that is almost impossible to me. If I choose a life of a cd, I give up all that I love. Very hard to deal with believe me.
I believe you and I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through. It is unfortunate it has to be all or nothing.
Have you considered going to a counselor by yourself? It might help you see a different aspect to your situation with you wife that you may have missed.
Reine
Posting Permissions
