Serious Topic...Have you thought about dying?

[Mary Morgan]

I recall that about the time I turned 40, I went into something of a depression. My career was not where I wanted it to be. My kids were not taking full advantage of the opportunities we had struggled to provide them, and my need to be Mary was getting stronger and stronger.

I'm not sure that I thought about taking my life, but I did have a sort of fatalistic attitude about things which only made them worse.

My wife was very understanding, suggested counseling and with time this period passed. I think it was what one might call a mid-life crisis.

[scherylnmke]

I think most people have thought of' If I was never born/If I was dead...' and I feel that most don't act on on that. When you say that in front of someone you love I'm quite sure you'll get a negative reaction. Those that do commit suicide usually don't advertise they are going to do it, although I do know a few people who've tried unsucessfully multiple times before they got help. They were the 'quiet' ones who you'd never think would do that. Most things in life are not that bad that you can't get through.

[PetiteTonya]

that with each challenge we are to face in life, it must somehow strengthen our resolve. I have read each of these posts and I am inspired by those who have been confronted with serious illnesses, deep depression and yet, managed to rise above all of it and focus on living.

To coin a often used cliche', life is not a dress rehearsal. Being TGd is not an easy life to be sure and I am still adjusting to my "new" life but my development does offer a promise of viewing the universe differently and gaining deeper insight into myself and the world around me.

I feel we must always grab onto that promise. I will die someday, yes. but life is too fleeting and too precious to be pre-occupied with contemplating the inevitable much less initiating it.

[Illusions Of Amy]

I used to think about suicide in the past occasionally, since I've gone through those feelings of loneliness and feeling trapped and awkward. It comes from a lot of various things - I'm a very hardcore picky eater, have a hard time organizing myself and staying on one task, am almost Asperger's syndrome-level in socializing with people at times, I have a crooked foot which immediately draws attention to my appearance, and so on. Thankfully my CDing urge isn't nearly as high as some on this forum, so it's never factored into those bad feelings much.

But yeah, suicide is definitely selfish - and often a rash decision - in retrospect! I feel like my troubles are absolutely *nothing* compared to what like 95% of the world's population (at least) is going through on a daily basis. And how could I want to die now when I've seriously got enough raw material to practically write a 4-hour singer-songwriter musical (which often pokes fun at a lot of my so-called life "problems")? Plus, I've got a decent job where I get along well with all my co-workers (that counts for a lot in this economy!) and my friendships are as good as they ever were. Now worrying about *other* people dying I'm close to... that's something else entirely...

[Kari Lynn Franks]

ive only talked to one girlfriend about this topic i came from a very bad childhood and also had to hide the fact that i needed to crossdress i feel that since i had such a strong desire too dress that it has become to be 1\2 of my personalityyou could say all of us have a split personality if it has to be hidden so far down it almost like killing a part of me when i was finally able to express my full self the desire to kill myself went and im proud to say its been 22 yrs since i even thought about taking my own life up untill that day i had around 14 attempts since the age of 6

[ReineD]

I considered it last fall and last winter when I lost custody of my youngest son and my oldest son's love. The grief and the sense of emptiness inside was indescribable. Luckily, I did not have the courage to go through with it.

I still get the feelings sometimes, but I know they are mere passing thoughts and I let them go through and escape me. I also believe that suicide is the ultimate selfish act.

[Tasha T]

So what do you think?

I've thought about committing suicide since I was 14 years old. Though I have no plan to actually do it and hope I never do it, I think about it constantly.

For example, last week I went to a friend's party and I felt like such a social misfit that practically every other thought I had was "I should just kill myself." It didn't help that someone I hadn't seen in 15 years came up to me and immediately made a crossdressing joke. I'm pretty sure everyone knows about me even though I've never said a word. Enough information is out there, plus you can probably tell just by looking at me now.

When I was driving home I still kept thinking over and over I should kill myself so I decided that's it, I'm going to do it. Only I decided to do it in a positive way and kill all the things about myself that I don't like and aren't working for me. That means I'm heading towards transition and going full time (short of SRS) in a few years. That's the plan for now. Of course I've got to get my mind right and do a lot of cosmetic work before any of that happens. Winning the Lotto wouldn't hurt either.

I'm working it out in therapy. It's a long road.

[sissystephanie]

At my age, 77+, death has be a thought! And since I did almost die in August of 2008, the thought is even more present. A heart problem then wound up with me getting a pacemaker inplanted to save my life.

But in 2005 I really did want to die! At least for a time! That February is when I lost my best friend, lover, and wife of almost 50 years. Yes, even though I had 2 wonderful children whom I love deeply and who love me equally much, I felt my life had ended and I wanted to go be with my wife!! That is the only time in my life I felt that way, even though I had lost my mother at age 7 and my father at age 14. Those losses were nothing compared to losing my wife, whom I had known since I was 9 years old!!

Fortunately for me I met, on the Internet, a very wise and sweet lady in Scotland. She succeeded in talking me throught my grief, at least partially. She was the only one I talked to, and there many others, that really seemed to care and understand. After a number of emails and then phone calls we became very good friends, in fact I call her my GGF. She is married so I know that she can never be my real girl friend, but in my mind she is and always will be! And she does know about my CD actvities and does not care at all.

As I said, I am 77 so death probably is not too far away. But now, I hope to be around for some time. My family knows that I CD, and are O.K. with as long as I don't dress around them! Guess they will get a big surprise when I do go and they find just how much clothing Stephanie has!! The sad part of that is I am size 16 and no one else in the family is even close!! Not my GGF in Scotland either. BTW, my family has met her and her husband as they came to visit for my 75th birthday in 2007. My two children know how I feel about her! Sorry to be so long winded, but I just had to get all this off my chest! It was covering up my 40 B's!

[weekend woman]

Yes I have thought about death. Having lost members of my immediate family in '01, '03 and '05 I figured that if I got thru 2007 I would be OK. Needless to say I did and am still here. Then reality set in, there are so many people on the face of the earth that I haven't pissed off yet I'm never going to die!

[AmiFL]

In my experience I have seen far to many suicides. In fact on Friday a very close friend lost her son that way.

In my lowest point in life, death has never been an option. Death cannot be undone. Never ever sink to that point.

I've joked that even if I was caught in a tuutuu with the church boys choir I would still never go down that path.

Life is too too precious to let it slip through your fingers without a fight. Never ever look at that as an option or even a passing thought.

[AKKaren]

[SIZE="3"]Been there...almost done that a couple of times. My life has been a constant battle with depression, mostly because of my inability to accept who and what I am. I was shamed and outed by my parents, outed by my ex wife to my children and friends who turned their backs on me and felt so, so alone most of my years. The last time was sitting on top of this rock crag called Finger Mountain with a Beretta in my lap....One round in the chamber and a good bye letter and current will pinned to my coat. The aurora borealis came to my rescue...It just bloomed across the night sky, filling me with awe. After a long nite of crying I went home, sold the pistol the next day and have been in counseling ever since. I met my wife soon after and she has show me more kindness and understanding in the 10 years we have been together that all the people in my life have in the forty years before. If depression is a part of your life, I highly recommend seeing someone about it. You cease to exist, but the pain and horror goes on for all those who love you. [/SIZE]

[Emily01]

I would not say that it has even or ever gotten close to the "serious" level but I would say that I have thought about death almost every day lately.

Am I sick for thinking about these things or is it just a natural part of life?

i don't know if it's natural or not. i do know people who have taken their own lives, in my own family no less, and i have gone through spells of depression where i contemplated it myself.

yes, it's the most selfish thing a person can do. but it's not as if the person doing it is aware of the selfishness......they are so absorbed in the emotional pain of their lives that they can't see beyond the torture of their lives.

i do know this......it's a very permanent solution for problems that are usually temporary.

[CharlotteCD]

This will sound like a lie because I am so vague, please don't crticise me for this but I don't want to give out too many details for reasons I am sure we can all relate to.

I cant escape thoughts of death, I am a year into Cancer treatment and because of complications related to my treatment I was in a coma for a week in the spring and nearly suffered brain damage after having a stroke in the summer to the point that Doctors told my family that if I woke up I might be able to have a normal conversation and I might not walk again.

I have survived both of those very near death experiences but have no memory of either as my brain wasn't functioning properly. Im only 21. I haven't lived my life yet, I am merely beginning it.

[Barbara Jo]

Yeah.... life can suck at times.

However, I always think about how I am the highest life form alive on a fantastice planet called earth. How cool and fantastic is that? I really like myself and I want to stay on this earth as long as possible.

My signature relates my philosophy on happiness.

[kellycan27]

Suicide is the easy way out.I have come to realize that nothing is that bad or grevious that taking the easy way out will accomplish anything.No matter who you are or what you have gone through or are going through there is someone out there that is in much worse shape that yourself."I was sad because because I had no shoes.Then I met a man that had no feet".Not sure who said that but whoever it was they make a good point.Dont you agree?

Other's may be in worse shape than you, but how many that contemplate, attempt, or successfully carry out a suicide are thinking in rational terms? I don't understand how you can possibly make such statements. Why would such people even care about what others are going through. I totally disagree with everything you have said.

[Desiree2bababe]

Yeah, with health issues I did not have in my 20's, I think about it and it does curtail my dressing as I don't want to end up being found dead of a stroke while fully dressed.....

[StaceyJane]

Having reached middle age I worry about the opposite. I really don't want to die. There are alot of things I would like to see happen and I hate to think of myself missing them.
Being transgendered doesn't make me want to die instead I get depressed over the thought that I may have to life the rest of my life a male. I wish I could be 20 again and start transitioning so I wouldn't have missed so many years.

[CherylFlint]

One day at a time. Telling your wife that you wished you were dead must've done wonders for her self esteem. Life doesn't revolve around our X and Y's being "perfect", whatever the hell that means. Figure that, for you, you are absolutely "perfect" and enjoy life. It really is that easy.

[suchacutie]

Would the world be better without me? It's not the world's decision. If the world thinks it would be better off without me, that's just tough for the world. It better get used to me and not the other way around .

Is life easy? NO. It's a struggle, no matter what our circumstances.

When I was a teenager my parents and I got into a similar discussion. My father asked, "if you were on the street alone and were approached by a powerful person with a knife and that person was hell-bent on killing you, what would you do? Just accept it, or struggle? He didn't wait for my answer, but replied that he would try to do everything he could to get the heck out of there alive.

Struggle...and why? Why struggle? Because I have a right to my life and if I lose it there is no way to make it better. While I'm alive I have a chance to make it better.

When life seems to be at its worst, I stop, take a breather, take a rest, and look at it anew. At that point it has always seemed less bad. There will be times when life seems not worth it. That's when it's necessary to stop, rest, and then look at life with a new perspective.

I will struggle to my last breath to have a chance at a better life!

tina

[Julogden]

There have been times when suicide has occurred to me, but I've never been close to actually doing the deed, mainly because it would inflict pain on my loved ones. My best friend committed suicide with a gun back in the mid-1980's, so I know how horrible it feels when someone that you care about takes their own life, and I can't do that to those that I love.

Carol

[Loni]

It does come to mind every so offen, like this past June 11, I was almost killed in a headon truck ver car crash, combined impact speed of over 130 mph.
I was only 50 mph.
Chp office had a hard time beliving nobody died. Bad accident on a county rd.

I faired better that the fool who caused it.
Me bad back and foot (foot took a 100 mph hit).
Him multi broken bones.


Have thought about when the end comes. I would like to be dressed in a flufley dress, not a suit.

But to do a end game early.....NO way.

[Nancy Richards]

Yes I am thought of being dead. Not that I would do it to myself, but at times I wish that somehow it would happen.

I many times feel that I am not appreciated with all the things that I do.

And yes I have told my wife how I feel. That also depresses me.

Nancy

[lavistaa62]

Myself I worry not so much about dying or growing old per se but the effect that has on my ability to enjoy life, be independent and support my SO and offspring. It weighs on me as I get older but it's also a good reminder of the importance of enjoying things, doing what I enjoy and keeping in shape mentally and physically.

[AmberDay]

To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not.

But yeah, suicide is definitely selfish - and often a rash decision - in retrospect!

What you don't realize is the feelings of suicide that I am currently fighting isn't because I am selfish! I love my family deeply and feel that it is better for my kids to have a father who is dead than a father that is transexual. All I ever see and read about those who transition is that it completely devastates children. I read about kids who hate seeing their father that way, and it feels that their father died. Why put my kids through that when I can just hit a tree at 100mph; not wearing a seatbelt. I won't have a wife divorce me, my kids won't be humiliated with a transgender parent, and they will be financially compensated. (Yeah that's my plan if I follow through with it ) Suicide isn't covered under life insurance, but a car accident is.

I love my wife so much that I don't want her to have to divorce me; explaining to everybody that her ex is transgendered. That would be embarrasing for her. She can tell everybody that I died in a car wreck. I love my kids so much that I don't want them to be teased, embarrased, and screw with their development with me being transgender. I know if I die, it will cause a lot of heartache and pain, but not as much as if I transitioned. Yes, my death would cause some development issues, but my wife and I agreed when we got married that we would remarry if something would happen to the other. She could find a better guy and father than me.

My youngest are four, so I am hoping to hold out another 14 years until they are adults. I have a duty as a father to raise them until adulthood. I also have a duty to protect them; even if that is from myself. It tears me up just thinking about all the crap they would have in school and with their friends with me being a 'woman'. What about father/ son activities that my son would be embarassed to have a woman dad attend?

I think of suicide every day I wake up, throughout the day, and before I go to sleep. I've got help before. Two seperate psychiatrists agreed I was gender dysphoric and recommended that I transition. BUT THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. I would die before I did that!

If I die, my wife can remarry, and find a better guy who isn't transgendered at all and can take care of my kids; since I am too weak to do it. That guy can take my place.

'engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them'

I am completely considerate of their problems. That is why I am willing to die for them.

'definitely selfish - and often a rash decision'
It isn't rash, I've been thinking it for A LONG time and it isn't because I am selfish,

It is because I love them so much.

[AllieSummers]

I appreciate all of your comments and do agree with most of them because I can see both sides of the issue. But what I have realized from reading the posts from those of you that have thought about or are thinking about suicide or death is this...

When I read about your pain and the fact that you think the world would be better off without you it makes me extremely sad. It makes me wish I could run right over there and hold you and tell you how precious you are. To do something to help you understand that you are precious.

The world will not be better if you chose to leave it, either by your own hand or by nature means. I KNOW THAT.

What I also know is that if I feel this way about you, there has bound to be someone, somewhere that feels that way about me.

My family will not be better off without me because all the things that are/have bothered me are NOTHING compared to the joy we get from spending one minute with each other.

The same is true for each and every one of you...

Kisses,

Allie