No easy answers. Your counsellor can hep you talk out your unique issues. Not that my story is or should be yours, but I have some observations about HRT, perhaps it will be of some relevance to you.

Being trans means I have feelings not experienced by the majority of people. My trans self is me - and I can't change that. If I measure my trans self by "majority" standards on binary gender appearance, I am always noting the difference and I always feel very different. So I try to measure my self by other standards, like work ethic, behavior, etc. I don't feel so isolated then.

For years I thought my choice was I can present to the 'majority' as my given gender (male in my case), and have easy social acceptance but the internal misery of my unspoken desires and frustrations about not presenting how 'I' want to, or I can present as the opposite gender (a woman in my case) and live with whatever degrees of social ostracism come from those who don't like the differences I still present, and I can be happier inside. If I do present in the opposite gender, I can do some things to enhance how I want to look (or viewed differently - to hide my chromosonal differences from the majority), like remove facial hair or have surgical changes or take cross gender hormones. I thought how 'comfortable' we each are in these trade-offs seems to be what determines our path.

My personal feeling is I would rather present full time as a woman. But I'm upper middle age, have never passed well, and have a career that I'm too comfortable in to restart. So for me, I traded easy social acceptance for my personal happiness by staying in stealth.

But, I couldn't hold that deal. The desire to present as a woman is strong and staying in stealth led me deeper into depression and isolation and I ended up with a bigger acceptance problem, I didn't like myself. (That was a bad time mental health wise).

So, still being unwilling to present as a woman and wreck a career and impose economic hardship on my self and my family, I went on HRT. You know the host of issues that go with it, but I did it anyway. No fulltime RLT, no SRS. I did mix in whatever clothes changes I could easily get away with (womens jeans, underwear, etc) and what little cosmetic things I could (eyebrows groomed, face creams, etc.)

But it is the cross gender HT that has made my life bearable, enjoyable even. I can't explain all the whys of it. I feel 'way' better. I have small breasts which I think are cool but my wife doesn't, and among my peers with flabby male chests, I draw few second looks. And, when taking cross gender hormones I don't have the overwhelming urge to go cross dress. I am so much more content with myself. If I slide and decrease or stop hormones all the desires to crossdress and buy designer clothes return, along with the unhappiness about myself. I have come to 'feel' like testosterone is bad and poisonous. A feeling other MTF's have reached too.

But basically I am still stealth - trading easier social acceptance for degrees of personal happiness. How you balance your scales is your call.

hugs,
'lissa