How do you control the tempers and hissy fits? please help....

[Rebeccarabbit]

Hi Girls,

Ok heres the score I now know who I am and what I am....I accept it and Im proud of it...although my freedom is relatively new.....Unfortunately my hissy fits and arguments get directed at my SO "Rufusrabbit", which is unfair. She suggested that I may still need counsiling. Has anyone done this did it help???.......


There is something deep in me that resists, I don't know if someone who has had counsiling may be able to help me, please. I still get mood swings, I cry a lot, and argue, and they seem to follow cycles.......... Its totaly out of character and I dont like it, I'm generally a very soft and calm person. I'm totally at ease with crossdressing, and very lucky that I now have quite a few girl friends that know i crossdress. I have managed to give up smoking and thought my tempers may be due to that......but truely i have not missed them....

I am so happy being a girl, but their is something refusing to fall into place.....and it hurts and is driving me mad

[Sarah Doepner]

My temper used to be something out of my control. Most of the time it was sleeping in a cave somewhere, but it could wake and take over my life in unexpected and unacceptable ways.

I kind of figured out the triggers and recognized the stresses that woke the beast, but a few trips to the counselor were all time well spent. It's much better to sit in that nice, soft, comfortable room with a good listener and have a good cry than it is to totally screw up your life outside. I've a good friend who had a similar problem and now has some prescribed meds that, for the most part, help him manage his temper. It's worth the trip and nothing to be either ashamed of or worried about.

[kimdl93]

I used to be plagued with temper tantrums, usually triggered by life's routine frustrations. It was destructive in my relationships and made me fearful of losing control at the wrong time, which held me back professionally as well.

I finally got some counseling and learned somethings that I should have learned as a child. Most important thing...tantrums or whatever you call them are a choice. What does that mean? Simply this: some external stimuli occurs. You respond. That response is a choice, reflective of lifelong conditioning. Little children respond to frustrations and disappointments with tantrums. If they have effective parenting, they learn to express anger and disappointment in more constructive ways. I didn't, so I persisted in childish behavior....untill I learned to respond more appropriately.

Tantrums can be eliminated by training yourself...independently or with the help of a therapist. I urge you to explore this. Your life will be better!!!

[DonnaT]

Self control.

I can have quite a temper, when provoked. Stems from my childhood, I reckon.

But I've never, in 35 yrs, started an argument with my wife. Self control.

[ReineD]

I agree, Rebecca, self control is the answer. Try counting to ten, while focusing on more appropriate ways to share your feelings with your partner.

It might also help to keep in mind that you (or anyone else) who habitually lashes out at a SO when feeling unhappy about other things, risk eroding the relationship eventually.

I do think you should talk to a licensed therapist. There is no shame in this. There is no blue-print for living a balanced life as a TG.

[Kate Simmons]

Counseling is okay but can be pricey, drawn out and time consuming, especially in this economy. Might be better looking for a hobby to divert the energy.

[Sheila]

Rebecca, self control is not always that easy, as you well know, when at that moment you feel the walls crashing in on you, the ceiling falling on your head and the ground beneath your feet giving way, when you feel most vulnerable that is when the bigger rages and tantrums will happen ........ the helplessness and fear makes us go into "Fight or Fight mode", the anger and tantrums are the Fight

After my overdose 2 years ago I was referred to a counselor, I seriously did not want to go, even until the moment I walked through the door that first time was trying to find ways to get out of it .......... counselors what did they know, mumbo jumbo mind warper's ( just a few things i thought about them and their field in the medical profession).... let me tell you here and now it was the best thing I ever did for me in my whole life ( I should have known better I used to be a nurse ) ...... they will not cure you of anything ........ instead they will work with you to enable you to see trigger points and help YOU to work out the best way for YOU to deal with those, they will help you to work out why you feel as you do and help YOU to find ways for YOU to cope with those feelings, like I said, they will not do them for you, but rather put your feet on the path to HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF :D

Seeking, getting help is not a sign of weakness but rather of strength, why waste any more of your life or your relationship on destruction and anger, when you could be going onward and upward witrh both

[Rebeccarabbit]

It might also help to keep in mind that you (or anyone else) who habitually lashes out at a SO when feeling unhappy about other things, risk eroding the relationship eventually

Hi Reine,
I have thought about counciling but its very expensive.....

I don't physically get violent and "Lash out" its more a bitchiness......I am a gentle and soft person, but my tongue can be sharp........

My SO is very much the domme in our relationship, and to be honest I prefer that way

[Sheila]

Rebecca you can get referral through your GP to a counselor, and it would be quicker if they had an in house one .......... a chat with your GP can get you referred on anger grounds and if they know about your gender issues so much the better. Debs got referral through her GP last year and we only waited a few weeks ............. and they were not in house ones either

And I don't think Reine meant you were lashing out physically but mental lashing out can actually be more destructive in the long run

[Rebeccarabbit]

Hi Girls I apologise to you Sheila.......and you Reine im really sorry just seeing mist at the moment...... and not sure why ......

I think Sheila your right a visit to my GP is in order and I think I may have to let "my secret out"........and talk to somebody.

Im not looking for arguments or confrontation, I just want to control the flaring.......that comes

Thanks girls for the advice its appreciated very much

[AKAMichelle]

Acceptance of yourself is a long process and it sounds like you haven't finished the journey yet. A therapist may help, but at the end of the day it all depends upon you recognizing bad behavior and working to correct it. Sounds like you starting to get a handle on everything.

[Babette]

Rebecca,

Whenever I feel the need to give an emotional response to something, I try looking for ways to delay any outpouring. In other words, just sit on it for a while before you say something to regret because it will prevent a lot hurt feelings. A time lag might help you to "see a bigger picture" and ultimately ease any tensions.

There are a great series of books that all begin with "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...". Unless the situations we encounter will destroy the Earth in a flash, I would lump everything else into the category of being small stuff.

Good luck.

Babette

[ReineD]

Rebecca, when I used "lashing out", I meant with words. You know, getting angry and blaming a SO when unhappy about other stuff. I was just saying that over time, a partner might get tired of this if steps aren't taken to correct it.

[Loni]

knowing you have a problem is a first step in correcting said problem.
the second step is working on doing something about it.
it is a long walk but a great one down the rd.


.

[KandisTX]

Rebeccarabbit,

I understand completely, I know what having a "temper" is like. I have had one all my life. It was not until about 11 years ago that I was finally diagnosed with IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), which is totally treatable by medication.

Now, before you reaspond let me give you some background on myself. I would be relatively calm and cool, and then something, anything, would set me off and I would explode, 99.9% of the time this was done verbally, and if that .1% physical happened, it was directed at inanimate objects. These explosions could happen for any little stupid reason like something I had set down not being EXACTLY (and I mean EXACTLY), the way I had left it.

I would have these episodes, and they would last a few minutes, and then I would revert back to my calm cool, and collected self as if nothing had ever happened. These times were literally blacked out in my own mind as if they never happened.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest to find a solution for yourself.

Kandis

[Sandra Dunn]

Hi Rebecca

I had some serious anger issues. When I accepted and allowed me to be me and begin to walk the new path the anger just melted away. I begin to do some serious research to include the bible. Most people even if they do not admit it have a root based on a biblical background like church or someone beating them over the head with some verse or saying. I found some very interesting things and this help me more to be me.

A counselor would be a good route to go, find one who is familar with Transgender issues and ask them questions about what they found when they researched the Transgender subject. Try and goggle the Third Gender, Eunuch the ancient type not the western mythology type and look at ancient Egypt. Ancient Egypt had a third gender.

We have been around for a very long time, like the beginning.

HUGS Sandra

[eluuzion]

There are several "self management" techniques you can implement.

I have been involved in tennis and martial arts since I was 8 years old. It is like having a dog with a barking problem or overstimulation problem. The key is to wear them out before the problem escalates with exercise and walks. I installed a tennis back board inside my ground level screened in patio. I am religious about hitting balls against it for a minimum of 1 hr every day.

I have never had a problem with my temper. I always picture an image of a little monster perched on top of my heart, clipping little clamps on my arteries and veins when I am dealing with unresolved issues and frustrations. I refuse to let something or someone get me so upset I have a stroke, heart attack or assault charge to deal with.

There are always a couple of key unresolved issues that are causing or contributing to anger problems. It is important to try and identify them yourself or enlist the help of a professional to help you.

It will slowly kill you from the inside out.

[victoriamwilliams1]

The same thing happens to me when I do not dress after a long time period, now I am not argumentative I am just very short tempered and the only way for me to find balance is to dress

I think that becoming part of a group to talk it out helps as well.

[Diane Elizabeth]

My fits are at work. I see coworkers that shirk duties and the boss is even part of the problems I have. He seems to give special privliges to some. If I want to keep my job I have to shut up about things. I end up blowing up at others after awhile. Counselors haven't been able to help me so far. But I am improving some. I don't let it get to me quite as often as before.

[Rianna Humble]

I think Sheila your right a visit to my GP is in order and I think I may have to let "my secret out"........and talk to somebody.

Hi Rebecca,

I would really encourage you to talk to your GP. They will probably get you an initial referral to the outreach team at Longley House as a gateway to other counselling.

I had my appointment there last week and it went extremely well despite me being a bag of nerves. The lady doctor I spoke to even helped me to understand a bit more about what I am going through - not bad for a 60 min appointment that lasted an hour and a quarter

[KarenCDFL]

As a suggestion, you should get a blood workup.

As a diabetic, my very accepting wife could tell you stories about my temper till I got my sugar under control. Whenever I would run very high, I would just be a bitch on wheels and high heels

Not saying you are diabetic, but it would be a good idea to rule out biological issues before some counseling.

The best of luck!

[DonnaT]

One way to work on self control is to go through some scenarios (by your self) that set you off. Play acting, if you will.

Practice your responses.

[cdangie]

I lost my job due to uncontrolled anger. Where can I get help with getting rid of this problem? I am now currently unemployed, and without health ins.

[KandisTX]

I lost my job due to uncontrolled anger. Where can I get help with getting rid of this problem? I am now currently unemployed, and without health ins.

The first thing you need to do is contact your local Mental Health department at Health and Human Services (if you have one in your area), these are usually run by the county or state and offer FREE mental health assistance. That would be my advice.

Kandis

[SandraAbsent]

One thing I have come to realize about myself is that in any situation, the only thing I can control is myself and how I respond. We are all smart enough to know that certain behaviors will spawn certain reactions. The hardest thing I ever had to realize is that if I didnt want the reaction, dont exhibit the behavior that will trigger it. Once I did, my life was much more peaceful.