How many?

[Jenny Green]

I'm 50-ish, been married 30-ish years, and haven't told my wife.

10 years ago, she found a few items of clothing, and I explained it away as just a temporary thing. She hasn't brought it up since, and I haven't, either. But based on her reaction at that time, I believe that the revelation that I still CD would not be well received at all. Now, with kids, the stakes are even higher.

So, it will remain my private thing. Yes, I admire those who've come out and been accepted. Sounds wonderful, and I admire you. But for me, it would bring big problems and I already have enough of those.

[PretzelGirl]

I am 49, my wife is 40 and we have been married 20 years. I had tried a few pieces of clothing on here and there as a teen and it then stopped. I just chalked it up to curiosity. Then about 7 years ago, I started playfully wearing one item at a time with her knowing. And now it has progressed to full dressing with her knowledge the whole way. I am a big believer in boundaries, and I gave her the opportunity to set hers. Over time, they have vanished.

We talk about it seriously and jokingly all the time. We also talk about other things like clothes. She has gone shopping with me dressed and to other things like the movies (although I haven't been out a lot just because of opportunity). And in a big show of support, she (along with my daughter) go to my Tri-Ess meetings and my wife has taken on an office.

So for us it is all about acceptance. What is surprising to me (as we tend to expect the negative) is that she is the one to suggest I take the next step before I broach the subject. Like recently, she sent me a coupon for laser treatments.

So I do get to put myself among the blessed.

[t-girlxsophie]

My wife knew from first time we chatted online,that I was a crossdresser,she was 37 and i was 39,we talked on phone,online for 3 month before meeting,then after 3 wks of Dating finally Sophie was introduced.

We have lots of fun together we enjoy clothes shopping,clubbing when get the chance,and we love nothing more than having a girlie night in-makeover,both dressed up sexy with bottle of wine,and chick flick on telly.she still amazes me with her understanding and support,and I try never to take her for granted

Neither of us have actually read any books on the subject,we don't tend to analyse It much,just know that we love each other,and our life together with that nice Sophie girl

Sophie xx

[txrobinm]

I'm recently divorced (finalized just a couple of weeks ago). We were married 17 years. She knew before the marriage, and asked me not to CD. I said yes. While it was wrong of her to ask me and wrong of me to say yes, we did create wonderful memories and 2 beautiful children during our time together. And, after several years of pain as I became unable to repress this side of me any longer, we are both quite happy now, able to live our lives as we see fit.

Once she brought me silk men's pajamas, and a couple of times we went shopping for her with another woman friend and my style sense was in great demand from both of them. The sales associates thought otherwise of course! SA: "that looks great on you!" Friend looks at me, I shake my head, and the outfit goes back on the rack while I went looking for something better for her body type. SA shoots me a dirty look! LOL

[Danni Bear]

the crossdressing wasn't an issue. s/he always knew from the start.

[faltenrock]

Dear Sarah, I used to share my CDing with my wife for about 4 years after coming out to her. She would tolerate my dressing at home once a week or so, even while making love. Then almost suddenly she told me she didn't want to see me dressed anymore.

She did not know from the beginning (1989), I told her in 1995, which was difficult. He were engaged since 1989 and married a year after I came out to her.

She does not want to talk about it with me. The good thing is, she knows that I go out in public and that I buy new clothes. The bad thing is, she comes up with the CDing on a regular basis and tell me I should have told her from the beginning. The fact is, my wish to dress would disappear after being in a relation with her - but we all know Crossdrssing doesn't stop.

We are in love, she tolerates without talking about it. I think it's a rather difficult issue for her, for me it became part of my personality and expression.
I used to hate it, now I love and enjoy dressing and going out. I know I can't stop and accepted it as a part of my idividuality.

[Imogen_Mann]

My partner now has known about my dressing from the outset, and is happy to be a part of it as I am happy to be a part of her love of PVC and rubber. We help each other and having a second opinion with a critical eye can be a god-send.

I'm now 40, she's early mid 30's, and at the moment I'm happy with the shared knowledge but have to admit, sometimes I want to take my dressing further and I feel I am limited in what I can do because she is not happy about things going just 'too far' with my dressing and it becoming more important to me than our relationship or the feminine side of me eclipsing the masculine all together.. It can be a bit touch and go on that front depending on my mood.

As far as discussing transgender issues goes, we don't very much. It ends up as an argument, me on the rights and emotions side, and her on the 'get a grip' side.

[RachelDenise]

I'm 53, wife is 54. She caught me after 1 year of marriage. My regret is that I didn't tell her before. We've been married 26 years. My CDing has been the great failure of my life in this matter and I take full responsibility for it. It has been a burden on this relationship. She refuses to talk about it, and it lingers everyday with a heaviness that permeates our life. It has been at least 17 years since we talked about it. This is her choice not mine. I feel that she doesn't accept an important part of me. If I could do it all over again.........

[Tina B.]

Inspired by a number of recent threads I'm interested to know... how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO? Count me as one, I share it all!

If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into? No, she didn't''t, I had not dressed in years, and did not know it was going to come up again. When it did, five years into the marriage, thats when I told her. That was around the time I was 27/28.

Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general? Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?Not really, no fun and games, just life as usual with a husband that likes to dress pretty.

If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?No regrets, I'm lucky, my wife excepted then news very well on day one, and she has been a great asset in improving my look, and style. And until I was ready to do it myself, she did all my shopping for me while I acted like a bored husband.The bad bits is only when I want to wear my red necklace, just to find it went to work with the wife, but then I get to play in her jewelry box, so I guess it's not so bad.

For those who've been 'caught' did your relationship survive? N/A

I'm also interested to know roughly how many - and what age - of those who don't want to share their CDing with their partners (for whatever reason) and are perfectly happy with their own status quo?N/A

Honesty is the best policy!

[Lorileah]

how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO?

Me, always will because it is me. well half of me...maybe 75%. Well the part that gets in the most trouble anyway

If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into?

I will have to divide this into two answers. A long time ago it wasn't really a discussion as it was her "knowing" and accepting. So the true coming out wasn't a day (at least that I remember). Age bracket was mid 20's

Now, it will be at the outset of any relationship. Age bracket...old

Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general? Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?

Since when I am dressed up I am more relaxed I do have fun. But then I am quirky and irreverent no matter what I wear. Books? Oh yeah i remember those,,,I have some in a closet.

If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?

(wow just learned to use the quote icon...how cool is that?)

I have not regretted it ever. It is who I am, and anyone who really likes me will see that. If not, I don't have time for false relationships (friends or otherwise). Good...well we have fun together and are sort of like girl friends (trite but it seems true). It can and has given ...um... sexual things a different bend. We argue fashion (I am more out there...she is more conservative) and I feel like a teenager who is being told to change before a date. (is that good or bad?). I tend to have better taste in clothing than most males so no mini see thru teddies with G-strings for gifts. (is that good or bad???)


never been caught (because I never really hid it at least not well and I am happy with the status quo from their side....not so happy with my insecurities still, but I am working on it

[DonnaT]

I was 20, she was 19.

Shortly after being married (August 1975) my wife complained about the hair on my legs and threatened to shave them. After making these idle threats a few times, I then dared her to do it.

So she did, partly, and I had to finish. She really liked them that way.

One day she was on the phone with my mom, and she told her what happened. At some point the discussion of pantihose arose, and the next thing I know, I'm trying on hose over my smooth legs for the first time.

This progressed to me dressing up for my wife, and she even gave me a wig she use to wear. I then wanted to complete the look and did my makeup for the first time. Being an artist, the makeup was easy to do.

My wife thought I looked great, and remarked that if we had a daughter she would be beautiful. And she is.

My first reaction was to suggest she get dressed and we could go to the mall and do some shopping. That didn't happen. She said she didn't mind me dressing for her, but it had to stay in the apartment.

One day she asked why I liked dressing up, and I told her everything, and that I was a transvestite. The term crossdresser hadn't been used in those days.

Screeech!!!! She looked up the word transvestite in the dictionary one day, and immediately called a halt to the whole thing. The dictionary included a reference to homosexuality.

Took some explaining that this wasn't true, but the seeds of doubt had already been implanted into her mind.

Thus began the roller-coaster ride we've 'enjoyed' over the past 34 yrs. And she has been out with me dressed enfemme a few times, starting in 2004.

[BobbiU]

Inspired by a number of recent threads I'm interested to know... how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO?

YES

If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into?

NO, she did not know, and my activities weren't as much back then. Currently 50, she's older, She's know for about 6 years.

Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general?

FUN: YES, very much so. We have a very traditional male/female life, I make the $, she stays home and spends it, cooks, etc. However, on the intimate side of our relationship, I'm the submissive one, and she uses it fully for her pleasure. (which is what I want). We enjoy shopping for clothes for me together.


Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?

NO

If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?

I really didn't decide to "tell", it was something that came out over time, and she fully accepted. No bad things, good things is, she get more of the TLC that she wants.

For those who've been 'caught' did your relationship survive?
(did not get caught)

I'm also interested to know roughly how many - and what age - of those who don't want to share their CDing with their partners (for whatever reason) and are perfectly happy with their own status quo?

[StephanieC]

My SO and I celebrated our silver anniversary last year. She found out recently when I finally admited it to myself: she want's nothing to do with it and often comments about the amount of stuff I have.

On the other hand, she often asks my opinion about outfits.

I don't think this reality is viewed in a positive light since she considers it "abnormal".

[Greymancd]

Hi, I am 53 and shared my cding with my wife as soon as I knew it had a hold on me. That was 2 years ago now. She does not actively participate yet but has bought me a pair of shoes and has thought about buying me some clothes. She does not want to see me dressed yet and I have not really pushed it either. We did make out twice while I did have a bra on but she did not say anything abiout it and then once I asked if I could put a skirt on and she said yes. Other than that she saw some pics I took. She is somewhat afraid I will look better than her as a woman and some afraid where this may end up. She is also afraid some willl find out and think I am gay and may get beat up. Probably all common fears od SO's. She is going to help me with some hair removal soon also. I live her and am glad that she is accepting of me a big change since when I first told her and she thought she would have to leave.

[Annaliese2010]

Inspired by a number of recent threads I'm interested to know... how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO?

If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into?

Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general? Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?

If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?

For those who've been 'caught' did your relationship survive?

I'm also interested to know roughly how many - and what age - of those who don't want to share their CDing with their partners (for whatever reason) and are perfectly happy with their own status quo?

Nope. Don't got no wifey no SO. Wont be TG when find me a GG. Sad but true...boohoo & teehee...

(lol...)

[lori m crawford]

my mom did an help me dress then a long time went by an i met a girl that love it for a time an she like it an she got tard of it so i am by my selfan if a women dont like it so be it i am not changing

[DeSkirt]

Inspired by a number of recent threads I'm interested to know... how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO?

I was married for about 16 years. my (now) ex-wife knew about my cross dressing desires before we were married and was supportive. She bought me my first teddy and also dressed me completely before we were married. overtime her attitude changed and we eventually got divorced.

If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into?

After my divorce I did not want to get into another relationship with a women that was not accepting. Before I married my current wife (at me 41 years old and her 40) I spelled it out as clearly as I could that this was something that is a part of me that will not change.

Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general? Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?

It started out fun. When she came over to my apartment we have fun dressing up. We did not discuss the subject in depth, just looked at it as a fun game.

If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?

I regret it. I know how a wife would feel cheated or lied to if I did not let her know about this part of me before we were married and then found out after the fact. My wife changed her mind and does not want anything to do with it. Had I known that, I don't know if I would have married her. In stead of this being something that makes us stronger, it pulls us apart some. I feel I shared my deepest scret with her and she lied to me and said that she was fine with it (I think just to get me to marry her) and now she has done a 360. I don't know that for a fact, but thats how I feel.

For those who've been 'caught' did your relationship survive?

N/A

I'm also interested to know roughly how many - and what age - of those who don't want to share their CDing with their partners (for whatever reason) and are perfectly happy with their own status quo?

I am 51 years old

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Yep, since day one... before the relationship actually started on the dating trail... I laid it all out for her to decide. She had no qualms whatsoever so long as I wasn't going to transition (which has never been on the table).
These days we go out together either in "sister" mode, or we bring out our faire personae and perform for the public. Being open and honest right from the start has had a positive outcome in our relationship and we are still growing together on this magical journey.

Its well worth it

Zarabeth

[Samantha43]

I told her very early in our relationship, before we were married. She has been very supportive during our 20+ years of marriage. She enjoys girls night as much as I do. She says I lose many of my male traits and am more enjoyable to be around.

I'm careful not to get carried away and over do it because of the respect I have for her. We have a good balance that keeps both of us happy.

[AmandaM]

1. how many on here do share their crossdressing with their wife/partner/SO?
2. If your SO knows, did she know from the outset? If she did, what sort of age bracket do you fall into?

She's known 3 years before being married. We're in our 40's. It's been about 20 years.

3. Do you have fun with the shared knowledge, ie shared dressing up times, talking about clothes and transgenderism in general? Have you read the same books on the subject and talked about them?

She hasn't read books, I've read lots. We talk about clothes and shop/recommend for each other. We have talked about gender stuff.

4. If you've decided to 'tell' your SO during your time together, have you regretted it? What are the good and bad bits about your CDing being out between you?

The good parts are that I can do it freely if the kids aren't home or I lock my door. The bad parts are only my own non-acceptance.

[Cheryl J]

63 years old, bloody hell, how did that happen!!! Married 42 years, bloody hell, how did that happen!!! Told her before we married. Never tolerated. She says now that she was too young to understand. See, my fault again!! Ultimatum. Now underdressed permanently. Nighties at night, even when away staying other places. Dressed when at home (most days-retired now). No compromise. I compromised most of my life. Buy what I want when I want. It's Cheryl's turn and nobody takes it away. Leaving her soon, tired of the hateful looks, audible groans, sly remarks. Why not leave now? Long story, but soon, coupla months.
Bitter, you betcha. Does it show? Nooooo!!!!

Cheryl.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Sarah.

Q1. I would be absolutely ecstatic if I could share my CDing with my wife, but she chooses to have nothing to do with Tash altogether. She likes to know when I go out, and sometimes where, but never anything more than that.

Q2. Sadly, my wife did not know from the start. I told her in the 8th year of our relationship. One of my deepest regrets not being able to come clean in the early stages of our relationship, which I'm sure relates directly to my answer to Q1. I only garnered the balls to come clean after stumbling across this forum, and having my eyes opened for me.

Q3. See my answer to Q1. My wife refuses to share or talk about anything really. She asks the odd question when she needs to know something, to which I am always open and honest, but I think I did too much damage by leaving it late to tell her.

Q4. No regrets telling her, only regret is not having the balls to tell earlier. The good thing is that I don't have a hidden stash anymore, and I get Tash time every couple of weeks to hit the shops etc. The bad thing is that I feel she is always suspicious, what else can I hide etc. Quite a valid suspicion too, under the circumstances.

Q5. I wasn't caught out

Q6. N/A

Hope this helps.

Tash

[Sarah_GG]

Thanks everyone for responding. Firstly I need to say that this isn't a thread to thumb my nose at the members who've chosen to not tell their SOs. I respect everyone's reasons for doing whatever they're doing. I will always fly the 'tell her' banner simply because I (personally) hate having things hidden in a relationship.

I was interested in the age split - whether it was the younger ones who told and the older ones who didn't. Whilst most CDers who've told have no regrets, there are a few who do. Those who feel that their hobby is used against them, those who felt mislead into marriage with someone who, at the outset, seemed accepting.

I don't know whether this may help to understand why that might happen. When I first met my SO I knew that something was being hidden and was relieved to discover it wasn't another woman (as such!). In the beginning of a relationship people will accept almost anything about their new love, hiding potential faults from themselves in case it spoil the rosy hue. Finding out about my SOs crossdressing was fine - I'm a modern free-thinking woman blah blah blah. However, in the everydayness of relationships things go awry.

I wonder whether our (us GG wives/SOs/partners) lack of interactiveness when it comes to our SOs dressing is wrongly interpreted as being unsupportive. For example, whilst I am supportive and happy that my SO can be true to himself, I do find aspects of it irritating.

I don't know whether by sharing these irritations it might help you, both to understand that although I'm irritated I'm still accepting and to acknowledge the feeling of goal posts having been moved.

Once my SO had told me, he went full-steam-ahead into a pink fog. Luckily - because I'd gleaned so much information and immersed myself on this forum - I understood that might happen. I remain supportive but it was something that seemed to gather momentum and didn't really give any heed to my worries about where it was all going to stop. Suddenly it became my responsibility to say "Whoooaaa!"

There are a few things about my SOs dressing that annoy me. They are (1) his refusal to eat anything when dressed and his 'girly' approach to food. (2) any whiff of an evening, a day off during the week or a weekend with no kids around has become an opportunity for dressing (ie not a romantic interlude!) and (3) his seeking approval for every outfit tried on.

So, if I express any frustration about any of the above issues, it's interpreted as a complete rejection of his CDing side. I understand that my SO feels foolish if I snap at him while he's dressed, but it's not that I'm rejecting his CDing, it's because my buttons have been pressed.

That's one of the reasons I encourage CDers to direct their SOs to FAB because we help each other with those frustrations (not everyone's are the same!). By dealing with them we can get things into perspective.

Sorry if this has rambled a bit... :D

[Lorileah]

Sarah, you are wonderful showing things that we may not have considered. I too feel awkward when if I am discussing dressing up or am dressed and suddenly there is the "look" and I wonder what went wrong, am I now not supposed to dress (or even act like the 'feminine' part I share this mortal coil with ...damn Shakespeare.) and then the rest of the evening and maybe a few days are sort of cold. We are walking a fine edge to start and it doesn't take much to push us over. Both sides are this way I am sure with GG's teetering on their fears. I don't know that most of us dress to emulate how we wish our GG partners would dress, but more about how we feel we look good and there is where I run into problems. I like short skirts and high heels. I like showing off and most GG's don't like us attracting that attention to us or them if we are out. So when we get the "hmmm that's a little short isn't it?" we hear "you look bad" and we start internalizing our fears and soon we are in a mood so to speak. Is this because our partners slip into the girlfriend mode? You know when you tell your BFF her outfit makes her look like a ..... instead of a partner mode?

We would love 24 hour support and praise (who wouldn't?) and when we dress up often we feel totally different than our daily selves. It is a scary world. So even when we get the support and respect from our partners we are doing that balancing act. How we handle criticism may determine how we believe our partners support us. And I have to wonder how many TG's here have more support than they realize but only heard the criticism? I understood the support I had in my marriage as almost 100% but I was the one who set limits because of fear. Now my relationships tend to appear, to me, more restrictive even though I am out more. Envelope, pushing, differing concept or who I am and what the partner thinks I should be. (read dress your age....don't be so flirty...can't you be more prim?).

So the point here (sometimes Lori doesn't know when to shut up ) is that even with a high level of support we get scared and are sort of like mice. And with less support, or what we expect to be low support, we are even more fearful

[Sarah_GG]

Thank you Lorileah! And that's input from two couples who do, seemingly, communicate and for whom CDing is not a problem. For those couples where things are more awkward and where there's more guilt involved... imagine the difficulties. Thanks for your input in seeing things from the other side too.

The 'look' doesn't mean "I detest everything about your crossdressing"... it's simply the 'look'! And it can mean anything from "I'm bored now" or "hmmmm... your legs are thinner than mine" to "how many peignoirs do you actually need?!"