When NOT to wear pretty shoes - an advice, shopping, and flying thread.

[Kathi Lake]

Yummy!! I just had - while not the best Reuben of my life, one that was definitely in the top three. While I digest this huge mound of perfectly spiced corned beef, let's continue our tale;

You know how sometimes you're going at the speed of traffic and blissfully unaware of the speed limit? Unaware, that is, until you see flashing lights behind you and suddenly realize what the brake lights were for about a half-mile back? Yeah. That was me. I pulled into a cul-de-sac to get us out of traffic, and fished my driver's license out of my purse. He walked up to the window and said, Ma'am, do you know what the speed limit is on this road? You were doing 52 in a 40 MPH zone." I professed ignorance (not hard, for me), and he took my license back to his car. He quickly came back, ticket book in hand, and said, "Ma'am, did you also know that your registration was overdue?" I told him that my wife had reminded me of it about a week ago, but, you know, . . . He said he was going to give me a break, and just write me up for 5 MPH over. I thanked him and he said, "You drive carefully, sir - Sorry. I mean Ma'am!" I said that either way was fine with me and drove off a few dollars poorer.

I then parked right next to White House | Black Market this time - a good thing when there's snow and ice on the ground, and you're in cute little high heels. My favorite pregnant pixie wasn't there today. Bummer! She's due in early february. They did say that she still was working, but was off that day. They also said that due to her pregnancy that she was even more adorable than usual - if possible.

I could tell that they were in full "Get this girl's room full of pretty stuff so we can make some big bucks" mode, but I told them that I already knew what I was looking for, thanks to their catalog and website. I grabbed a petty pointelle turtleneck in my almost-trademark fire engine red, and a necklace that was also on sale. I asked about the dress I tried on last time, but unfortunately, it sold out fast (sorry Sara and Veronica!). Pity. I did a quick look-through of the store. I must come back as they have so much cute new stuff in for Spring! Unfortunately, I had a plane to catch, and I had just gotten a ticket, so I had to forego my usual tryon session. Sigh.

I left there and went to the airport. Knowing that I had a bit of time, I drove to the Skycap first, hauled out my suitcase (which seemed almost too heavy for me - must be the skirt and heels sapping my strength - Samson-style! ), and got in line. It was my first experience with lots of eyes on me. On the way there, I stopped at a gas station where two young women (sisters, from the look of them) were filling up and chatting. They looked at me, smiled, and went on pumping and chatting. I honestly think they had no idea of my true self. Odd, and a testament to the makeup skills of my friend! Anyway, I made it to the Skycap desk, and handed over my boarding pass and driver's license. His eyes got a bit big when he made the connection, but his smile seemed genuine. Other people in line seemed to give me no undue attention whatsoever. Once I got my bag checked in I got back in my car. He was smiling and talking to the woman that was in line behind me. I knew exactly what he was talking and smiling about as they both glanced my direction. Hey, let 'em talk! They just saw an incredibly attractive guy in a very stylish outfit (if I don't say so myself ) - not something you see every day in the nether regions of Utah.

I drove to the extended-parking lot where, since I had time, I was going to attach a set of glue-on French-tip nails. I just didn't feel like it, though. My normal nails were passable enough, I thought (hey, when your own son tells you they're getting long, maybe they are a bit extreme). I waited for the bus in the drafty cold (made worse with the skirt) and hopped on with my laptop and purse, and off we went. The shuttle was the first instance where people really took a good look at me. I'd like to think that I was looking so good that they were mentally doing a coin-flip on my gender, but even I'm not that delusional. Most people smiled at me, some just looked at me. Some looked, and looked, and looked at me. I just smiled back, brushed the hair out of my eyes, and grabbed the handrail to keep from flying all over the place. The bus dropped me off and I started off towards security. Most people didn't even notice me, it seemed. I did get a few people doing the double-take, and one young guy with his friends gave me a "Daaaaamn! Lookin' good, there!" but again, nothing out of the ordinary.

In the security line is where I felt the most vulnerable as it wasn't people passing me quickly, but time for people to really look at me and know that I wasn't a woman. I was in line behind a woman and her toddler son. Poor thing was really having a hard time. I smiled at him and at least distracted him long enough for her to quiet him down. She smiled at me and thanked me as I helped her with her luggage by moving it forwards in line so she could hold him. As I removed my shoes, she complimented me on them, and said I must wear heels a lot to be able to wear such high ones. She claimed that she couldn't walk in ones higher than an inch or so. I told her my standard answer that if a guy like me could, then she certainly could. She said that I certainly had the legs for it, and said when she first saw me, she looked at my shoes, then my legs, got jealous, looked up and wondered if I was a man or a woman. She said she finally decided that I was a man, but a very pretty one. I laughed at that and it was our turn to go through the metal detector.

I was already extra self-conscious as I had to remove my sweater, leaving me in a very form-fitting turtleneck and short skirt, leaving very little to the imagination of any onlooker. Still, I pushed forwards through any fear and went on through security. I joined the lady as we put ourselves back together and got everything back on. As she watched me put my necklace back on and fix my hair, she said, "Wow! You've done this a lot, haven't you? You really have the feminine mannerisms and attitude down. Good for you! This world needs more people willing to do what they think is right, and not others." I thanked her and said that I was just me, and it was the only person I knew how to be. She went onto her gate, and I trudged on to mine. Unfortunately, after walking to the shuttle stop, and then through security, and then from one concourse to the far end of another, my feet were getting tired! Maybe I should have rethunk the whole " . . . but the outfit looks so pretty with the high heels!" thing. My dogs were barking up a storm. They must be getting old (the shoes, not my dogs) as I can normally go an entire day traipsing around a tile-floored mall with nary a peep out of my feet. They're BCBG 4-inch stilettos. Though it may sound odd, they are honestly the most comfortable pair of shoes I own - and I'm counting my sneakers as well!

Well, I made it to the gate - with only a few hours to spare. It seemed that my flight was delayed (I can see Kimberly smiling at that - something she knows all to well, no doubt). I sat across from a family with a teenage son, a teenage daughter, and a girl of about 10-11. The youngest was the first to look at me quizzically. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. It was like that smile was all it took to remove doubt from her. Her big sister was next. She looked at me. I smiled at her, and she smiled right back. Problem solved! Isn't the power of a smile an amazing thing? The mom seemed to have no problems with me, and after smiling at me and nudging her husband (to no doubt tell him "Hey! Look at the guy over there. Yes, it's a guy. Trust me") she took a nap. The teenage son? Oblivious. Which, having two teenage sons, I can tell you - it's their normal mode of operation.

Finally, we boarded. I was near the back of the plane in a window seat. A young newlywed couple (you can just tell) sat with her next to me, and her husband across the aisle. She pulled out some gum, asking her husband, and then me if I wanted a piece. We both accepted. Realizing that they probably wanted to sit together (hey, I was a newlywed once )I was going to suggest switching places. Before I could ask them, a passenger in his row asked. So, she got up, and a very large, very French guy was sitting next to me. I smiled at him, kicked off my heels, and went to sleep until we took off. Then I slept again. I woke in time for the beverage service, and went to the bathroom. We were experiencing a bit of turbulence. That, in combination with the heels, made me a bit unsteady - odd, as I usually get my "sea legs" rather quickly.

On the way back to my seat, I heard a "Miss!" directed at me. I turned, smile at the ready, and raised my eyebrows in a questioning "How can I help you?" The lady said, "Never mind. Thank you!" and turned to her friend and said "Told you!" Her friend just said, "wowwww." I laughed and returned to my seat. It's odd, I find that I can handle that much more than the stares and glances. Someone confronting me verbally at least gives me a chance to defuse the situation with humor or niceness. Someone just staring at me disapprovingly? Not so much.

Anyway, after landing, I waited awhile for most people to deplane and then sauntered off nonchalantly - not an easy task when your feet hurt. I tried to just get into the rhythm, and watch other women so I could match their pace and movements. I made it to baggage claim, where a nice gentleman got my suitcase off for me when I had tried and failed. I then got on the rental car shuttle. It was nice for the driver to load my bag (like it was nothing!) and offer a hand up the stairs. He must've seen I was fading fast in those heels! I selected my car. No girly cars this time like the VW Bug I had last year. Bummer! Instead I found a convertible Sebring that I thought should do (even though it's about 45 and overcast). I pulled up to the kiosk and gave the attendant my papers and drivers livense. After about 20 seconds, and a glance or two at me, she said, "Whoa!!" I said with a smile, "Let me guess, I don't exactly match my picture today?" She said, "Oh honey, this is Vegas, and believe me - you're looking fine!" I thanked her and pulled out. In the car I found that I had lost one of my lenses on my driving glasses. Arrgh! I also lost an earring in the car as well. Double-arrgh!!

I drove to the hotel and pulled into the valet check-in. I started getting the standard spiel on calling the switchboard which would relay to the valet desk when I wanted my car, and it might take 20 minutes or so - standard until I pulled out a ten. She then wrote the direct number of the valet shack on my ticket and said "Day or night, gorgeous! Call this number and we'll have it for you right away!" I just love expense accounts!

After checking in (a confusing miasma of ma'am/sir/ma'am/sir - poor guy. He must be new to Vegas), I went up to my room. I am at the Wynn. When I opened my door and hit the light switch, the curtains opened, the lights came up, and music started playing (No, I wasn't in the Pron Suite ). Big, beautiful room, large tub, and a vanity that I can wait to try - what a place! I was going to meet SamanthaS from here and maybe do something, but the combination of sore feet and a sore back (I'm not used to having boobs all day. They're heavy!) and a long day made me grudgingly take my pretty clothes and makeup off, and find something to eat.

And, since that brings us to now, I'll end this post - for now. I'll be in Vegas all week, and have plans to have a little fun while I'm here. Who knows, maybe Friday or Saturday night we could do something?

So, thanks for those of you that made it this far, and read through all of my drivel. I know that I end to "spew" in these posts - details that many of you just don't care about. What can I say, I'm a person with a detailed memory, and a need for writing it all down. Call it a fault, I guess.

Pictures are forthcoming, Miranda. I packed my card reader - and then unpacked it last night to get some picures off of my camcorder, forgetting to repack it. I will find a cheap one here at CES, no doubt, and post them here for those interested. As to my "hotness" - Miranda, you kill me! Nite, everybody!



Kathi