Fun for you - huge pain for us

[Mary Morgan]

Show me an insensitive man and I'll show you an insensitive golfer, race fan, business associate, father, son, oh, and yes maybe even a crossdresser. Show me a sensitive man and I'll show you the same. The insensitivity doesn't come from any of those things, it comes from selfishness and lack of caring. I appreciate what you are saying and I appreciate that given societies attitudes about crossdressing it may seem to be your issue. It is too bad you do not know more of us. You would find that some of us are very caring, very giving and yes very sensitive. I hope you find the man you are looking for but don't preclude someone because he may share a particular need or interest with the one with just dumped.

[Presh GG]

Hello TOF,

From a womens p.o.v. I am a genetic women, married to a cd for 35 [ almost 36 years.] and I have seen bad relationships in all kinds of people.

I need to ask What in the world kept you there ? You found the most selfish PERSON on earth , Who happened to be a CD. But you chose to stay... why?

I'm sorry you are hurt right now and I really don't think even you understand why or how it got this bad.... But Please , for you own well being be more carefull who you choose to spend time with. CDs don't have a corner on being selfish, neither do men, or women. We're all just people. Unlike some of the responders here , I'd never ever call or have any contact with your EX.
Time will heel and you will find someone more loveing within what you want.

Be more secure in who you are before you commit.
Best wishes,
Presh GG

[Eryn]

...One day we had sex as a "normal" couple, and it felt sooo nice, I almost secretely started crying because I had missed it so much, so much.. to feel like a woman.. As I was enjoying it, he turned to me and said "that s how I want you to make love to me". It was so turning off...

OK I'm going to ask a question. Did you ever actually make your desire to have sex as a "normal couple" explicitly known to your partner? I'm not talking about dropping hints or giving positive feedback to the desired behaviors, but an actual statement of "I'd like to have you make love to me in the traditional male manner."

Men are often accused of being poor communicators, but communication is a two-way street. Wanting something badly is no guarantee that the partner will pick up on those desires. Learn from my mistakes.

I can't predict his answer, but if he were to say that he wouldn't be able to satisfy your desire then it's time to split up, and rightly so. His response is more likely to be that he didn't realize that the roles were that important to you and of course he can do this for you.

I wish both you and him well and hope that my response is helpful to you both.

Eryn

[sissystephanie]

First, welcome to the forum!! I hope you stay with us, and maybe find some answers!

Eryn and some others, gave you you some very good responses. I would like to add mine. I told my late wife that I was a cossdresser before we married. She accepted me that way, because I told her that no matter what clothing I had on I was alwys her MAN!! Unfortunately, a lot of MTF CD's apparently don't think the way I do. God made me, and every other MTF CD, males! We were born as males, and unless there is certaqin surgery we will die as males. Wearing a dress, panties and a bra does not turn me into a woman! That is not possible, no matter what some CD's think! The man you were with apparently thought that dressing like a woman made him one, and therefore he should be treated that way. As I already said, he is a man and will be unless he has surgery!

But Eryn is very right about communication. If you and he are still together, in any way, you need to let him know that you want to be treated as the lady that you are! Just tell him flat out that you don't want to be the male partner in sex, because you are a female!! His answer will tell you whether you two belong together!

The best of luck to you!!

[randumbness]

I don't know if you're still reading these responses, but I thought I should put my two cents in.
From what I can see, what you both had was not a relationship. I guess we may have missed some bits of what you said, but like many said, I have to stress the importance of communication. It seemed like there was NONE of that at all. I'd like to think that most, if not all of us, would want a significant other to feel comfortable with both our male and female selves. Or our female selves, if one so chooses. I know what you went through was horrible, and believe me, your ex-SO was pretty selfish from the get go, it seemed, but at the same time, did you let him know? It seems you could have avoided so much pain by just understanding what each of you wanted, and if it didn't work out, you would have been able to move on.
I just want to apologize on his behalf as well, since I am one who wants to remove the negative stigmas people associate with crossdressing. You sound like a sweet person, and I wish you the best of luck finding someone who truly loves you and can communicate their desires and attend to yours.

[Fab Karen]

Sounds like a lack of communication going on, combined with possibly him being selfish & expecting you to always play a "top" role, in addition to him being dressed for that. Whether a relationship with crossdressing involved or not, people have to communicate their needs or you have a recipe for disaster.
Not all CD's are like that guy, reasonable ones will listen to their woman's needs & that may mean not dressing in the bedroom. Also it should be mentioned not all men are so selfish, regardless of being a CD.




"We speak of being “submissive” but have no idea what that means. The idea of being bound is foreign to us because we want to be in control. This is because we are “MEN”."
Speak only for yourself. You DO NOT speak the truth for ALL men, ALL CD's, etc.

[carhill2mn]

joan658 pretty much said what I was planning to say.

[suchacutie]

Welcome to the forum!

It really does (always) come down to communication, and the willingness to be ultimately selfless and selfish at the same time. I only found my fem self 6 years ago after 55 years of thinking I was "just" a male. For my wife and me, this started conversations that opened up massive new vistas in our relationship, and different was of communicating. You'd chuckle as she and I talk about Tina, and then she and Tina talk about me! It's bizarre, but completely unincombering. It led to emotional understandings and agreements, such as, "when she wants her man, she gets him!". That seems like a very small limitation on Tina in exchange for her existence and the support of my wife!

Given that background, it seems to me that, as many have said, it comes down to knowing what parts of a relationship are worth to you. If you want intimacy from your partner in classic gender roles, at least part of the time, then he has to be told this, and if his priorities match, you and he will be very happy. If not, you both need to realize that it's just not going to work. I'm not trying to be harsh here, just realistic. However, there are 3 billion men on this planet, and I have no doubt that a great many of the ones that are not in a committed relationship will have priorities that will well match yours! It's all about "talking it out" and then agreeing to keep talking

selfish and selfless...

again, glad to have you with us!

tina

[Christy_M]

Show me an insensitive man and I'll show you an insensitive golfer, race fan, business associate, father, son, oh, and yes maybe even a crossdresser. Show me a sensitive man and I'll show you the same. The insensitivity doesn't come from any of those things, it comes from selfishness and lack of caring.

Well said...I am sorry you had to go through what you went through and maybe in hindsight, you can see clearer so as not to make similar mistakes in relationships such as staying with someone who clearly didn't care about your feelings. Please don't paint all of us with the same brush. As far as "fun for" us, I can assure you there are many here who have not had the level of fun you are describing from your ex. A lot of us just want someone to love us for us even if they never get involved in our feminine side. There are many that feel being en femme is the ultimate turn-on and then there are others who are not turned on by it at all. We are as unique in this community as any other community and as you enter into your next relationship, don't settle for something that is only part of what you are looking for. Make it clear up front and you will weed through people who won't take care of you.

[LitaKelley]

I'm sorry that this selfish person made you feel the way you do, but do understand that he's not like that because he's a crossdresser, but because he's selfish and insensitive.

[Kaz]

Sorry to post so late in the day, just caught this thread...

Most of us on this site may be CD but we are also people, and people come in all sorts of other shapes and sizes.

I would never treat my partner like that and never have. This has nothing to do with CDing it is to do with mutual respect, love, and all that stuff. To me, my wife's feelings, needs and wants are paramount and if I have a flaw it is that I do not assert my needs and wants enough.

So it may be that this guy isn't for you... but do not think everyone is like this because they are not! I hope you find your true soul mate. If you keep trying, you will...

[Pythos]

I'm sorry, I have read and re read the op, and I do not see exactly where the CD was selfish. I do see a tremendous lack of communication on both parts. I read a woman saying she did not feel like a woman, and being rejected as a woman....which just made no sense to me. How can a woman not feel like a woman...hell, what the heck does that mean anyway? I don't get that. That would be like me saying that "my woman does not make me feel like a man" It baffles my mind.

I urge people to read the OP, cause this is quickly turning into a "selfish CD" thread, and I do not see such.

Has anyone read this line?

"I didn t show him/her I didn't like it. In fact, sometimes I liked it, (after getting drunk), but I made an effort to like it. "

She also said that she sometimes expresses her Yang side, but also puts in parentheses that this is not done through crossdressing. I may read that wrong but there is to me a definite knock against people that crossdress to express their opposite gender side.

[MsJanessa]

It sounds like the two of you were really incompatible and that you had a big problem with his crossdressing (as well as his a perceived lack of tact and sensitivity). Leaving out the lack of tact and sensitivity (which would be enough alone for you to head for the door), you are not alone amoung women who are turned off by intimantcy with crossdressers. While it doesn't bother women to have CDs for friends and acquaintances, relatively few women want us for lovers or husbands, so you are far from alone in that regard.

As far as do "we want to cause pain" the answer to that is we don't really chose to be this way, we just are. The most unhappy TGs I know are those people who try to suppress it. So it really isn't somthing we choose to do, like wearing a red sweater or a blue sweater, its what and who we are and denying that part of ourselves would cause us pain and stress. I'm sure your best bet is to have relationships with guys who are not TG or CD---as far as the lack of sensitivity, you might read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus---often times its not so much that guys are insensitive, its that they speak a different language than women.

[Megan70]

Dear turned off forever,
I am very curious about 2 things. First your one and ONLY post on this thread starter was today at 4:35 am. As of this writing there have been 38 posted replies of all nature, many deeply serious with constructive advice, some pink fog selfish responses by those CD's who are self centered and cannot ever see your or any females point much less pain... but my biggest question here is this, why have you not responded to any posts given here by dozens of us? Certainly there had to be several that hit a nerve and sparked enragement and others that reassured you as to your logic. With one post it seems , on the surface this is a flash in the pan post and you truly are gone forever and not even attempting to look at all the hard work put forth here by many. Are you indeed gone forever and never to sign on again.??? We all have ways of checking the last time you were on... hour and minute.
My initial thought is that you have so much anger and hatred for us that cause you such pain then I wonder why the hell did you even choose this site, or post on the Genetic Female section or another womens venting web page entirely. If you are indeed the victim here i do feel for you because over 35 years I've done the same selfish narcissistic sexual withholding from my wife. I've been there and we're still together... happily.
we are met with silence and indiffence to your lack of response.Why?
better that you go,and get us out of your hair and I say that kindly.

Best of luck to you. Really!

[docrobbysherry]

Dear turned off forever,
I am very curious about 2 things. First your one and ONLY post on this thread starter was today at 4:35 am. As of this writing there have been 38 posted replies of all nature, many deeply serious with constructive advice, some pink fog selfish responses by those CD's who are self centered and cannot ever see your or any females point much less pain... but my biggest question here is this, why have you not responded to any posts given here by dozens of us? Certainly there had to be several that hit a nerve and sparked enragement and others that reassured you as to your logic. With one post it seems , on the surface this is a flash in the pan post and you truly are gone forever and not even attempting to look at all the hard work put forth here by many. Are you indeed gone forever and never to sign on again.??? We all have ways of checking the last time you were on... hour and minute.
My initial thought is that you have so much anger and hatred for us that cause you such pain then I wonder why the hell did you even choose this site, or post on the Genetic Female section or another womens venting web page entirely. If you are indeed the victim here i do feel for you because over 35 years I've done the same selfish narcissistic sexual withholding from my wife. I've been there and we're still together... happily.
But for the moment I cannot take you seriously when we are met with silence and and indiffence to your lack of response.
better that you go,and get us out of your hair and I say that kindly.

Best of luck to you. Really!

I've been suspicious about her from the BEGINNING, Megan!:Angry3:

[TxKimberly]

. . . I cannot take you seriously when we are met with silence and and indifference to your lack of response. . .

Come on now Megan, it's a bit early to be raising hell about that just yet isn't it? A lot of us (especially me) spend a great deal of time in front of a PC, but there are those who don't. Some folks only get on the internet once a week or so - the freaks! LOL
Anyway, I just think it's a bit early to be accusing her of a hit and run . . .

[Megan70]

Come on now Megan, it's a bit early to be raising hell about that just yet isn't it? A lot of us (especially me) spend a great deal of time in front of a PC, but there are those who don't. Some folks only get on the internet once a week or so - the freaks! LOL
Anyway, I just think it's a bit early to be accusing her of a hit and run . . .

You're right, never thought about frequency differentials, Touche!, will edit my last post and strike that sentence.
Sorry

[Eryn]

Well, my Troll-o-meter is still sitting pretty high, considering the OP's inflammatory first post and complete lack of activity afterward. However, one of the positive aspects of this forum is that just about everyone is taken seriously and this post is no exception. If the OP is a troll the thread will fade away with no effect other than some healthy introspection on the part of the participants. If the OP is not a troll perhaps she will learn something from the responses. Either way, it's a positive outcome.

[Charise52]

Dear Turned,

Relationships are complex... man to man. woman to woman, and man to woman... they are all the same... selfishness and expectations are what does them in... infinite patience and unconditional Love is what causes relationships to survive and blossom... and sometimes it takes years for a couple to get it together... Cross Dressing has nothing to do with it... I have made love in a chenise, a cami, and a T-shirt dress... the only comments I got were "Cute"

[Pythos]

I think I will be hopping on the Troll bandwagon too.

Who other than an insenstitive and thoughtless person comes onto a forum with a name like this, and then tells a tale of woe, followed by nothing.

Big troll. I have a feeling this story is pretty much made up.

I am not sure about you all, but I kinda do some courting, before even thinking about making love. I would think that during the courting the propensity of the CD to want to be treated like a woman would surface. If it dead, then the OP should have gotten a good idea what they were in for, and could have spoken up, or given those signals many women like to give, and for some reason many men seem to miss.

I know for my self I like to switch back and forth, though usually I like to be in the "male" role. At least when it comes to the non sexual aspects of intimacy. But I also like my GG to run her fingers along my body, and touch me in ways that seem to be only women want to. Once again another binary construct. I am a very sensuous person and love to have such done. But in exchange I will do what she would like. you know, the fine balance that is a relationship.

[Megan70]

I'm glad that I was the one to bring up this "doubt" several posts ago. Its obvious by now we've been had, with all of our hard work and compassion and concern for what I believe is a phony who had no business being here and wasting our time. I suggest this be our last post on this thread and it be stricken or locked. Enough of this crap.She has no interest or courtesy to respond to any of us... if it indeed is a GG... i doubt it. " Forget about it"

[Jill Devine]

I will keep my post short and sweet: everyone is different, including crossdressers. You cant paint everyone with the same brush. Everyone is not your ex. Perhaps he is a selfish self absorbed person who just happens to crossdress. Doesn't mean we are all that way.

What you expect, you get from life. Have a positive expectation and you will find love. Expect less, and you will get just that. Good luck girl.
:-)

[Daintre]

This forum is open to all adults over 18 years of age. That said, I am closing this thread before the slings and arrows start. If the Original Poster wishes to respond to this thread then she can start a new thread.