Reine...you are so eloquent! I've been crushin on you since Day 1, girl - ever since I first became aware of you. Initially by your looks - your avatar & a few goth pics, then increasingly by your words. And in as much as they reveal your true thoughts & feelings i.e. the inner you, I just have to say...you grow more beautiful in time - or maybe I'm just appreciating the beauty that's inside you as it is revealed the more I read you. If I'm being too forward, I apologize. I'm not anything if not honest - one of my best attributes. Though sometimes I wonder if it's really very wise to be so honest - so transparent. That by not limiting my normally open spontaneous nature, what I was raised to regard as a virtue only makes me appear simple and stupid - like I somehow missed doing what the seeming vast majority of ppl do when they grow up - become so much more mature clever and calculating (ruthless even) than I could ever imagine becoming or having the patience or inclination to adopt. My poor track-record with GG relationships seems to indicate this... perhaps. IDK! Duh... LOL.Originally Posted by ReineD
I'll make a list.
The plusses
The minuses
At any rate, upon reading the minuses listed in your post - which I must say, really extends my understanding of GG girls - I immediately thought about a 'mystery song' I recently listened to - a very touching one (made my blue eyes cry yea). It's an unlabeled mp3 file I discovered while clearing tons of junk files that had accumulated over the past 2 or 3 yrs - so I don't know the title or artist or genre - or even who sent me it - probly an email attachment from a past internet friend I met here (??)... whatever.. I Googled some of the lyrics and nothing came up - very uncharacteristic of Google! My 1st search failure.
Point is... it's really sweet - very retro but not mushy or morose - not glitzy or glam (very un-GaGa and un-Katy like - tho I do luv them both). I mean...OMG this simple little song pulls you under. Took me by surprise (no I don't take hormones) - maybe it's just because it is so simple it resonates with something inside the 'man' in me - shifting attention away from superficial Hollywood beauty - reaching towards an understanding of that hidden eternal something about a woman - the treasure she conceals. Bringing to mind memories of what it was like in the early years of our marriage - memories of the better side of the woman who was my only - making me wonder if she really even had a bad side, or was it her reacting to my bad? Exhibiting behavior I elicited (purposely so??) and thus could judge as if hers. Justifying the separation & subsequent divorce I wanted - hesitatingly so - but wanted nonetheless. Makes me wonder...did I ever truly love her or did I marry for the wrong reasons? Then in time, only to resent her? IDK!!!
Such dark self-recriminations have reasons. I think maybe because...by my experience & observation and with few exceptions, I have found women in general to be, for want of a better word... "innocent's". Not that a woman doesn't make mistakes or can do no wrong - but a woman is an 'innocent' in the sense of being the one is who is more decidedly harmless; guiltless; more faithful than not, more committed, more knowing. A woman is more accepting and more flexible by comparison. Very often she is overwhelmingly self-sacrificing;well meaning and deep feeling; quintessentially good-hearted. Women seem to have an innate sense of rightfulness, are just and justly rewarding; and of course...the dispensers of ultimate reward. Not that men cannot or are not capable of these traits, but how can anyone argue that these highest of virtues are not much more represented in and expressed by the feminine gender?
With all these thoughts elicited by some simple song upon 1st listening - a song I don't even remember how when or from whom getting - obviously not listening to it when I did - like forgotten truths remembered my soul was moved. That was a couple days ago. This morning, by your words, all these reflections again ran through me intensifying throughout the day. Unable to shake the uncertainty that is the result of his doing i.e. the 'man' in me, I am trying to remain aloof, resolute, independent and strong - to not let his mess bleed through the border that separates us nor allow it to worry this beautiful face nor mar the soft armor of prettiness that surrounds me! But the night has fallen and with it my strength of resolve. Now comes to mind the words of a once beautiful innocent and adventurous Rose...it was in the film Titanic (1997; Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, Billy Zane):
A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets...A simple expression of a simple truth that resonates with the gentle message in the little song mentioned above - making me feel an awful guiltiness - shame & remorse for sins committed - or only imagined? If what Rose implies is true, it the sentiment embedded in the song is well founded - as I strongly feel it to be - then... I don't know What I have done or what to do about it! A woman is elemental, earthly yet fragile, angelic. What a contradiction! But it kind of makes sense. How else could she be 'designed'... where beneath a woman's surface is a priceless diamond...her feminine essence. Strong yet Vulnerable. Mysterious. Uncorrupted. Unbounded. So that inside each woman there is a beauty ever lasting. It resides above and beyond the realm of of the senses - is felt but not seen by the one whom she chooses - graces - slowly revealing herself in time, but never bound by time. This realization both enlightens and devastates me:
It's not for the beauty of your breast, my love
When I bury my head there
And it's not for the beauty of your face, my love
Where I am bound to stare
It's not for the beauty of your arms my love
As with each other we entwine
And it's not for the beauty of your hands my love
When they're gently held in mine
And it's not for the flowing of your hair my love
As it ripples down your skin
And it's not for the oceans of your eyes my love
Where I always drown within
But it's for the beauty of your soul my love
For your grace and heart and mind
It's what's outside of the senses love
That is never bound by time
It's not for the beauty of your thighs, my love
So sweet and warm and tender
And it's not for the sounds of your sighs, my love
When together we surrender
But it's for the beauty of your soul my love
For your grace and heart and mind
It's what's outside of the senses, love
That is never bound by time
It's what's outside of the senses
Love
That is never bound
By time
(title unknown; artist unknown; lyrics all too knowing)
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