I am SOOOO naive... Hopefully this is not more than a hypothetical.Originally Posted by darla_g
I am SOOOO naive... Hopefully this is not more than a hypothetical.
No!I value my s.o. more than that for all we are/ have been thru we are faithful to each other...
I can kinda put myself in this situation, having a wife that 110% accepts and supports me. The answer is an obvious NO! Not only because your wife should come first over any friend, but also because if you trully love your spouse, they should be your best friend first and also, i know mine is!
Chastity
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Regretfully, i have been down this street. It truly is a no brainer. If you love your SO, then respect her wishes. I had an issue with a male friend of my ex, while we were still married. I felt that they spent way to much time together. doing things that Friends normally wouldn't. Ie xmas with his family, family funeral, going to the races for the weekend. When I mentioned my feelings, I was told "he's just a friend, almost a brother". So I let it go, trying to be a supportive spouse. Here I am 3 yrs later, She and my daughter live with him. While I have moved on and found a new, wonderful and supportive SO. It still irks me. More to the point pains me, when I hear about it concerning others. My heart goes out to the GF. I hope the BF pulls his head out of his butt and realizes whats going on.
No, no, and no. Did I mention no?
Stephie
NO.....why spoil a good marriage with someone who already accepts one's femme side just to rekindle a relationship with this GG? It seems to me that if the husband can't trust his wife's intuition, they may not have much of a relationship at all, but the wife deserves some respect regarding her feelings.
I, as well, say that no this situation is not good and should not be continued by the CDer. As long as it continues in this way, there is going to be friction and pain in that primary, most important relationship (and even a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can be incredibly significant and binding in a way that transcends a mere legal contract).
However, there's always a second side to every story, and I'd like to venture a hypothesis of my own? I have met many people (mostly male), especially those whose minds run more to logic than empathy (one old friend pursuing his Ph.D in the history and philosophy of mathematics comes to mind, as well as an ex of mine with Asperger's) who seem to feel that regardless of how a situation may look on the outside, if they do not feel that the behaviour/event which another worries for or assumes is happening then there is no need for concern or a temprance in their behaviour. Appearances are not important, only their own actions. Without an aptitude for empathy, it is difficult for many people to truly understand where their partner is coming from with a worry such as this.
Perhaps the CDer in question feels that he is not going to transgress in his dealings with the GG, and so therefore any worry on this front is foundless and not going to cause issues in the relationship. His intent is enough to overrule all objections, and he tells himself he feels that the wife is being silly. He badly wants to expand out his circle of close friends; for some people, though one true confidant is enough they need more to thrive. Maybe if he can make just one more friend - then one more after that - soon he'll be able to be himself no matter the situation if enough people understand. Maybe he hasn't thought this through this much, just has emotions to that effect. Whatever the case, he wants it badly enough to make him overlook the situation with his wife which he KNOWS isn't going to make her happy.
One thing which bothers me the most (regardless of how this turns out) is the way he has said that the wife is welcome to join them, but only if she does so in the spirit of friendship to the GG and not to 'spy.' To me, this is turning his own suspicious behaviour around and making things somehow the wife's fault; her fault for not trusting him OR for not seeing what a wonderful person this GG is and immediately wanting to be her friend as well. Some hetero girls just give off bad juju to other hetero girls; and that's something, CDer and feminine or not, that a hetero male just doesn't always see because it's not directed at them. Perhaps if the CD in question retracted that offer, and remade it in the spirit of he has nothing to hide so therefore there are no issues if the wife comes along this would help.
At the very least, acknowledging the fact that the wife is very important and whatever contact which goes on with the GG should be in the open, unhidden, and discussed. I think that in this case (and any where either SO feels threatened by a perceived rival in the romantic, sexual, emotional or confidant departments) the perspective friendship should be treated with similar guidelines to how many open relationships work; each partner should be comfortable with the situation and with boundaries, and should make sure that their primary partner feels respected and loved before continuing on with any secondary relationship. I have always been extremely reluctant to limit my partners' ability to spend time with their friends, and I expect that in return. At the same time, however, the friends a person has SHOULD NOT interfere with that relationship and its success and it sounds like this GG's friendship has really crossed some serious lines. If the CD meets up with the GG at this point, without conceding his wife's concerns should be taken seriously and dealing with it properly then the wife should seriously consider whether the CD is truly being respectful of the clearly wonderful human being she is.
The bottom line is, NO ONE should have to submit to the sort of emotional poopy mess this meeting would engender. That wife is well justified in being upset, and should stand her ground here before this situation makes her feel worse than she does. She is a worthwhile adult, and more caring and open minded than much of the adult population (as is any other GG knowingly involved and engaged 110% in a relationship with a CDer) and I would be worried that in this situation she would be questioning her own self-worth, which is ********. She might be questioning her desirability, perhaps due to age or to her past, or to her accomplishments (which is also ********. I know of at least one woman who married for the first time in her late sixties whose husband is absolutely mad for her, and rightly so! I also know several lovely women who have never finished high school, but whose partners love them all the same for who they are; and one's past is simply that; even if it does touch their life in the present, it's one's character - which we've already established is caring and lovely - which is a truer measure of who they are). Simply put, there is no reason that the wife should simply and quietly let her CD husband make her feel bad.
Sometimes I feel like Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men when I respond to something like this.
I'm not convinced that "no" is the correct answer.
We've got a bunch of statements that are constructed to elicit a no answer but is there any real reason to actually distrust and be jealous of this "other woman"? Is it based on a feeling or is it based on factual evidence? Has the GF's trust in her CD BF already been compromised in the past? I'm not getting a sense of this other than some general remarks about issues in the relationship.
Perhaps I've missed something, but everything in the scenario seems to be based on jealousy rather than acceptance, impression rather than fact, and distrust rather than trust. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Isn't that what strong relations are founded on?
That was my very first thought on this scenario as well. I pondered it for a bit though, and the conclusion I came to was this. Unless this is a person that suffers from paranoia, (and no, we don't have enough information to judge this well,) then we sort of have to assume something occurred in the relationship (also outside the context of what we know,) to cause the mistrust in the first place. What I keep thinking about are the contents of these "blogs" that were read. My conclusion being that perhaps something written in there set off alarm bells in the GG's mind to cause the mistrust. Or what seems to be inferred was flirtatious behavior in the last outing. Either way, I think it would be more helpful to the relationship, to work through whatever the cause of the mistrust is first, then perhaps rekindle the friendship. Although something tells me the "friendship" is actually more. (Could just be my cynicism though.)
Just my opinion.
Here's my thought for whatever it's worth. The Cder is a MALE, who is attracted to a woman who fancies him dressed --that is she accepts that he is a Cd er and that suits him just fine. His first relationship is a live-apart one, and unwed status, so he feels that he can do a little dance every now and then, and nobody is going to scream too loudly. Since he is NOT married to his supportive SO, and now he's found a new one, using a lame excuse of "personal growth" just rings like it should--phoney. We all have friends but the way in which this is developing sounds like there is a no-brainer here for the first supportive GG--toss the bum out. this isn't going to go anywhere but south. I'm thinking here as a MALE, not a rationalizing CDer.
I would politely decline their invitation. The rest is too hot to handle for me.
That said, I've had the misfortune to observe a marriage breakup in which one party appeared very narcissistic. It wasn't pretty.
No way. I just could not do that. I am with an SO that loves me, and respects me, there is no way I would threaten that with a fling. Sadly I know of plenty of guys that have done or are doing that right now.
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
No freaking way do you go. If you love your wife, you don't make her feel insecure when it is preventable. That's what you do for each other. It's why its called marriage. If you love each other, you would not do that to each other. There is jealousy, and then there is jealousy that is justified. So many times a spouce will call the other one insecure if they get jealous, but they don't want to accept that what they may be doing is causing justified jealousy. Now, my answer is based on the assumtion that this is not an open arrangement, but more of a traditional marriage of trust and monogamy. Any two people are free to create their own groundrules.
Well, as the others have said here, the answer really is a "no-brainer".
But even if I ever were in that type of situation, not only would my wife be very adamant about me not being drawn into such a relationship, she would smack me upside the head for being naive enough to even believe that another woman putting that kind of move on me is only out for friendship and has no other ulterior motives.
Her theory is that by their very nature, men are as thick as bricks when it comes to that type of thing, whereas women are much more cunning, devious, wily, and manipulative in pursuing matters of sex and seduction. In other words, our brains reside in our penises most of the time, and we can't be trusted to make good judgement calls if left to our own devices whenever a member of the opposite sex expresses (or professes to express) a decided interest in us, and we see a potential opportunity to "score".
From what I've seen considering the way many members of my sex often behave, I can't really fault my wife's logic when it comes to such matters...
Reine how many times have I told you? You need a REAL man. CDs have an obsession with femininity and want women they can bond with. They want women that see them ONLY as one of the gals. He knows that even when he is dressed, you still see him as your husband and a man. This of course will make him feel less feminine.
There are tons of men out there who do not carry such baggage or complexities and we want to treat you right. Your husband will fall in love with men someday when he looks for his next high to make him feel more feminine. Reine I feel sorry for you.... Straight women and CDs just dont work together
Thanks everyone, so very much for all your responses!
To Sean ... I appreciate your comments as well, but you do seem to lump CDers in the same category, and I believe you are mistaken to do so. Also, I never did say I was talking about myself.
Reine
Absolutely not! I would sooner take a stroll through a minefield,
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
I don't buy into this very bad generalization about all crossdressers! To think a crossdresser will someday fall in love with a man almost makes me vomit! Who's definition of what a REAL MAN is are you using anyway? Knowing your sexual interests in both CD's and GG's, I guess TO YOU, a real man is one that is into crossdressers and women, therefore are bisexual. That sure does not fit what most GG's would call a real man!
BTW, when my SO sees me dressed or NOT dressed, she sees me as her man and I am sure as hell glad she does. No, it does not make me feel less feminine. I feel masculine and feminine as the mood and manner of dress dictates. seanmuscle, I feel sorry for you due to your very wrong assumption that straight women and CD's do not work together.
As Reine said, you lump all CD'ers in the same category and you are so off base it's not even to be considered.
there's no way I could knowingly do something to hurt someone I love.I am a born worrier and I would be hurting myself even considering that
I was recently on facebook as a member for 1 day and that was enough to send sparks flying. I was stupid enough to just out of curiosity look up and request a friendship from a girl i had an intense one way office enfatuation for almost 30 years before.My wife knew and is still hurt by it even though nothing ever happened. We used to go out to lunch frequently at work and rumors were flying but she just thought of us as friends and I was secretly in love with her. So I look her up on Facebook and offer a casual hello, not knowing that I am "friend attached" to my wifes account. She sees it and blows her top because it still caused deep emotional scars with her after all these years..I immediately took it down and want nothing to do with Facebook, Twitter or Myspace. To me they are more trouble and time consuming than its worth. I'll stick wit plain e-mail and this forum with PMs as my only outside contact sources.
Lesson learned. 12 hour Facebook member.
Last edited by Megan70; 03-28-2011 at 08:49 AM.
In the circumstances you presented;
If you care about your relationship with your wife, you stay away from this GG whatever she means to you. She is a source of angst for your significant other and she already has enough of those. Ya know what I mean?
You have to put your marriage first and give it the best chance for survival. Otherwise you don't have a marriage.
was going to try and word this answer to that in flowery language,but nope cant do it,that is BOL**CKS
I would never hurt my Wife in that way,My marriage will always come before any friendship.I love her so much and to threaten that would be unforgiveable
Last edited by t-girlxsophie; 03-28-2011 at 07:52 AM.
We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire
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A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a roseFacebook:Sophie Johnson
No, my spouse and I have been there for each other for 32 years. If she was outta town I would pack my guitar and head over to some friends house for some picking and toking. And I know there is no one out there more compatible with me than Laura. Yes I am very lucky.
May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
May hope forever wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong.
Chief Dan George
Definitely a NO. I wouldn't have done any of the above after the original meeting. Being friends is one thing but when there is chemistry and you aren't single, just asking for trouble!
Sally
Wow I am surprised you are even still married. Even after the 1st go around I would of been in divorce court.
NO .. Get out. Keep your wife.
The shorter the skirt and higher the heel makes this girl happy.
