Wife's non-acceptance

[Barbra P]

I told my Wife about 35 years ago and I think her non-acceptance has increased. She is somewhat OK with it during October, and she hasn’t gotten too upset when she has come home un-expectantly and caught me enfemme, other than to tell me I need to go change after a short while at home.

I was on a long purge and just recently decided that Barbra was too big a part of my life. When I told my Wife, as we lay tired and naked on the bed, that I wanted to experience my feminine side again she simple said I didn’t have a feminine side – end of discussion. I have dressed the last two Tuesdays and on the second Tuesday I believe I detected some thawing in the chill in the air. She actually carried on a conversation while we both watched a show on TV. I bought “My Husband Wears My Clothes” but whether or not I can get her to read it, I just don’t know.

I just want her to accept me enfemme, I don’t expect her to go out with me, although that would be nice too. I’d like to be able to ask for her input on clothes, makeup, etc. She has even resisted my getting my ears pierced – finding nice clip-on’s is becoming difficult and I love to wear earrings when I dress.

I have Type II Diabetes and one effect of that is that I have lost almost all the hair on my once hairy legs, so shaving my legs, and my armpits, caused no undo reaction from my Wife. Even a dark cloud has its silver lining. Wish it had the same effect on my upper body.

Another local girl (I met here) in my age group, has offered to meet me at a local TG friendly lounge in a section of town that is heavily LGBT in makeup and thus most businesses are friendly. She said I can come in drab since I have never gone out (other than at Halloween) enfemme in public. If and when we can agree on a day and time I don’t know how I’m going to tell my Wife, but I fully intend to step completely out of the closet and go enfemme.

I have a thread on the Beauty Club forum about getting a makeover. If I can find a place, maybe a MAC store although I would prefer something a bit more intimate as I think I would learn more. Someone suggested being a model at a beauty college and that sounds like fun, although I haven’t found anything in my Web searches so far.

Guess I close this out, it is becoming more a blog than a post.

Babs

[RADER]

Barbra P;
I also have type 2 diabetes, But no change with the hairy legs, or chest, back, etc.
I wish it would go away, only on my head that the hair is gone. My wife is OK with me dressing,
But no hair removal on the chest, legs etc. She likes to run her fingers through my hairy chest.
O Well, if it makes her happy.
I got the same books like you, But my wife, a book worm, says she does not have to read it because
she is already accepting me wearing dresses once in a while.
Rader

[AnnaCalliope]

Just don't try to get her to read "My Husband Betty". While its not badly written, and has some great stories and insight, a lot of it is about CDs who came out to their SOs, said they just wanted to wear the clothing, and then decided 2-10 years into the marriage or relationship that they wanted to transition. Its a wonderful resource of information about trans-culture, but I would never suggest it as the first go-to book on CDing.

[Barbra P]

My Doctor tells me the loss of hair is due to damage from the Diabetes to the small blood vessels near the skin that supply the hair follicles, You're better off, health wise, still having the hair. I take a prostrate medication that sometimes has the side affect of making the girls larger. I thought that wouldn't be a bad side effect, but I'm not one of those so affected by the drug -- oh well.

Barbra P;
I also have type 2 diabetes, But no change with the hairy legs, or chest, back, etc.
I wish it would go away, only on my head that the hair is gone. My wife is OK with me dressing,
But no hair removal on the chest, legs etc. She likes to run her fingers through my hairy chest.
O Well, if it makes her happy.
I got the same books like you, But my wife, a book worm, says she does not have to read it because
she is already accepting me wearing dresses once in a while.
Rader

Just don't try to get her to read "My Husband Betty".

Yeah, I looked at that one on Amazon using there Look Inside feature and quickly decided that was not the book to give to my wife. Well unless I too, like Betty, decided to go through HRT and SRS.

[Katesback]

How can you even expect your wife to accept your crossdressing? I mean she has an opinion and you have yours. She has stated it and there really is no further discussion. You are now at the point where you decide what you NEED to do and what you WANT to do. It is really that simple. Either decision has its advantages and costs!!

From your wifes perspective as well as society as a whole. Why should she or anyone else ACCEPT a behavior that is not normal. Hell when you think about it the one only need read some of the posts here and come to the conclusion that even CDs dont feel thier actions are acceptable (cds in general with a few exceptions). I mean if cds felt thier actions were acceptable they would be out in the REAL world doing what they want. I myself rarely have ever seen CDs out in the real world.

Katie

[sissystephanie]

I am also a Type 2 diabetic, but can't say I have lost any hair because of the Diabetes! I never did have much hair on my legs, and now at my senior age (79) I really have virtually none. Same thing is pretty much true for my head!

Now for the main question, your wife not being accepting. This is where you, Babs, have to really make a decision!! Which is more important to you, dressing enfemme or having a wife? The way your OP reads, if you keep pushing her you will lose her!! Marriage is supposed to be a 2 way street, where each side has to give a little. But what you are asking, in a way, her to do is completely outside the boundaries of normal marriage!! She married a man, not a woman! That is why you have that decision to make as to what is most important!! It seems like you two need to have some serious sit-down conversations about your dressing enfemme. Maybe with some guidelines set up that she can live with!

I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her! She accepted me, because I let her know that she was, and always would be, more important to me than my dressing enfemme. We had almost 50 years together before cancer took her, and I never let her forget that I was her man!! So I do know what can be done!

The best of luck to both of you!!

[SusieK]

Barbra,
I think the shifting boundaries are a worry for a 'tolerant' SO. You say your wife has known for 35 years?, and currently you are considering getting your ears pierced, and going out en femme to a LGBT friendly venue for the first time. So, this means that in the last 35 years you haven't got your ears pierced, and haven't been out en femme. This suggests to me that you are shifting the boundaries.

My wife and I rarely talk about my dressing, as she says it is not really a subject of interest to her, but she tolerates me being dressed around the house occasionally.
Based on my wife's reactions to my dressing, I checked (with a leading question) on her views and she confirmed that while she didn't want to encourage me in any way (potentially fearing where it may lead), nor did she want to crush me with hurtful comments when she knows that dressing is an important part (for me) of who I am.

The point is that crossing a boundary of escalation of dressing activity can understandably trigger a cold reaction driven by discomfort or disinterest with the situation, or fear. This doesn't mean that she is become less accepting, it means that you are changing the rules about what acceptance means.

Depending on your general level of dressing activity over the years and your wife's involvement and awareness of this, the recent changes could be almost as much of a surprise as the original revelation.

You need to try and have a talk with her, and try to understand her needs and worries, rather than focussing on your desires. "She has even resisted my getting my ears pierced" - how many men do you know who get their ears pierced in their sixties? I appreciate that from your perspective it may not be that big a deal (though in that case why didn't you get them done years ago?) - but from your wife's perspective it may be a huge signpost that you are changing direction.

I hope you can both find a happy balance.

Susie

(Stephanie - snap - nice avatar )

[Fab Karen]

From your wifes perspective as well as society as a whole. Why should she or anyone else ACCEPT a behavior that is not normal.
Katie

Why should society accept a white person & a black person having a relationship? A woman wearing pants? A woman doing physical labor? Those and other things were once not considered "normal" yet many have come to accept these things.

[Katesback]

Yes that is very true. What is interesting is that the things you noted all took coragious people to effect change. Since I see nearly NO CDs in the real world effecting change then the behavior will remain seen as abnormal, misunderstood, wrong, and negative.

Why should society accept a white person & a black person having a relationship? A woman wearing pants? A woman doing physical labor? Those and other things were once not considered "normal" yet many have come to accept these things.

[Fab Karen]

Once upon a time there weren't that many courageous people in some of the examples mentioned. If you had been around then, you would have said "WILL REMAIN..." about them as well because you didn't see many of them doing so.

[J'lyn GG]

I agree with a prev response about shifting boundaries. She accepted what you told her 35 years ago. Has anything escalated/changed? You said you want to do more. Its not the same thing that she accepted back then. That is my biggest fear w/ my husband. Is that he will continue to want to push the envelope and I'm already at my limit. If you do things that make her uncomfortable without discussing and compromising, (which may take quite a while) I'd bet the outcome would not be good.

[Stephanie47]

I think your wife is becoming more intolerant of your cross dressing because you are changing the status quo. My wife has known of my cross dressing for almost forty years. It is a problem in the relationship. However, our relationship is DADT. Once she told me that it was ok with her, if I joined a support group. I'm still in the clothes closet. I know what I feel. Frankly, none of us have walked in the 'high heels' of our wives. Pushing the envelope in any relationship will not work if the other party is resisting any change. Aren't relationships based on some give and take? I know my wife suspects/knows I cross dress when she is working. I will not push her to accept anything she does not want to experience, i.e., walk around the house fully en femme. Nor will I accept any ultimatum to purge my feminine clothing. Marriage is a series of compromises. After forty years in my relationship, I know and have accepted our boundaries. You need to accept your wife's boundaries. In my relationship, if I do not adhere to DADT, it would result in a cold war mentality of 'mutually assured destruction.'

[suchacutie]

Barbra, it doesn't sound like your wife has much flexibility in this area. From what you say, she doesn't "want to go there" and doesn't want you going there either. Continuing to push the envelop farther will most certainly receive a Newtonian response if she somehow hasn't come to understand the need you have. I hope the "thaw" you perceive can be nurtured into a better understanding.

best

Tina

[VickysBFF]

Barbara: I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. What I get from your post is that you wish to go further and are getting mixed signals. You need to sit down and talk with your wife and set some boundaries that you can both live with. Talk to her and tell her what you want to do and ask her what she is comfortable with.
As to your makeover and outing, if your wife agrees I don't see any issues with your going out in an LGBT friendly area. As to a makeover, there are some regular makeup artists who are willing to work with CD/TG/TV etc. MAC is a wonderful product and their employees are very tolerant and LBGT friendly. From my understanding, if you are willing to purchase a certain amount of products (I believe it is $50) they will give you a makeover. If you have not gone out in public before and are not very comfortable yet I would recommend calling them ahead of time and scheduling an appointment during a weekday when it is likely to be less crowded.
Best of luck to you.

[Transformed]

Hi,

I think sometimes we need to be happy with what we have, rather than looking for more.

35 years ago, it must have been even more of a shock than today for your wife, but she has continued to love you and turn a blind eye to your feminine side.

At times it must have been really hard for her to live with the thoughts of something she really doesn't approve of. Yet in her own way she has supported you.

After all this time, is it really worth risking your relationship for?

I think she's given you all she can and after all this time wanting more, such as going outside dressed is likely to really distress your wife.

For 35 years she has kept your CD a secret, suddenly you are wanting to bring it out in the open.

It's not going to be easy on her and the risk is it'll be a step too far for her to take.

[Denise69]

Just don't try to get her to read "My Husband Betty". While its not badly written, and has some great stories and insight, a lot of it is about CDs who came out to their SOs, said they just wanted to wear the clothing, and then decided 2-10 years into the marriage or relationship that they wanted to transition. Its a wonderful resource of information about trans-culture, but I would never suggest it as the first go-to book on CDing.

Ditto, My SO has both books, and admits "betty" frightened her a bit... My response was "If I haven't transitioned yet, I won't."