My Closet is My Blessed Sanctuary. Is Yours?

[TGMarla]

I also enjoyed your post, Anne. You obviously put a lot of thought into it. Everyone's situations are different, and we all deal with it in our own ways. And shame on thos who would crack on you for deciding to stay private with your crossdressing.

I saw nothing in the handbook or the bylaws that stated that you have to go out into the world and share this with anyone. I've only ever been out myself a few times, and while I have had no truly negative reactions or any problems with it, I still prefer to stay at home and spend this time by myself. I don't have this overwhelming need to get all dressed up and go places. Those of us who decide to stay "in the closet" with all of this are well within our rights. One thing is for sure: it's a heck of a lot safer there. My home is my sanctum sanctorum, and I happen to like it when I'm home. No one points at me, whispers anything snippy to others, or ridicules me when I'm at home. I can go to the bathroom without any problems, and I can do whatever I like. My "closet" is my refuge where I can be a lady without any of the world's repercussions or disapprovals.

To those of you who get out into the world on a regular basis, you have my support and respect. But remember that respect is always a two-way street. You may feel that you're crusading to further the cause, and that closet-dwellers are not doing their part to bring acceptance and recognition to crossdressers, but I'd say to them just what they'd say to anyone still in the closet: get over it. We all travel this road the best way we are able. Closeted or not, we are all in this together.

[Iskandra]

This closet you're praising...

Isn't that the one you wrote about "almost" getting busted in the other day?

It is... So, it isn't a sanctuary at all.

It would be unkind of anyone to allow you to delude yourself to your own harm.

But, we can if you insist.

Joana, you are totally not getting it.. Deliberate or not! It doesnt matter, the only harm here are your words..

Life happens, sometimes people peek into ones sanctuary, but that doesn't mean they throw the door open for all to see, nor does it make it any less of a haven..
And it doesn't mean you should throw it open yourself either... That is a choice made when and if ready, when one has surrounded themselves with non judgemental and supportive people, clearly you are not one of those and your 'desire' to throw open every cupboard only results in locks being put on them! Guess you fail in your aim...
Pleas reconsider with a little more respect!

[Debra Russell]

Closets can be a dark place,comfortable but troubling. I want to go out and about as I often do but when I can't I get gloomy and depressed -- when I am out I am alone so it is still a dark place and lately I feel as though I am in the closet, figuratively speaking - all the time -- it will pass, the Cding road is full of dip's turns up's and downs. We must all rely on each other to help us navigate our individual path's..........Debra

[eluuzion]

Thanks for sharing. I love hearing about peoples' different strategies in life.

My closet...hummm...well, it is a big one for sure. I have the entire house to myself.

I am not a "loner"...I am just a leader with no followers, :D

I have always been good at entertaining myself. I have never felt any negative feelings associated with my CD experiences. It is like having this really cool toy that I never get tired of playing with. I can't say that about very many things in my life. But this is certainly one of those rare finds for me.

Other than “you” (and about a million people on the Internet), nobody knows about my private little Disneyland. It is amazing what one individual can accomplish without any "help", isn’t it? Sure, I have an overzealous curiosity. I get the urge every once in awhile to go out or do something else that is risky. So I do it. But not very often.

I certainly have no plans or burning desire to share this part of my life with any close family members or friends. I am just not that fond of committing "social suicide", lol. I am not saying I will not decide sometime to start venturing out. My curiosity will surely influence that decision. My physical responsibilities of shared-custody ended this summer when my daughter graduated from high school. I have been promoted (or demoted...not sure which) to CFO status. I just get to pay for college, cars, phones, and a wedding someday (hopefully only one and later rather that sooner, lol)

So,I will likely come out of the closet at some point...who knows when? Right now, there is not much to be gained by doing so and lots of potential for negative outcomes. Where is the fun in that?

For now...I am happy as I am. I feel I understand the etiology of my desires to CD. At least enough to satisfy my curiosity and accept/enjoy it without experiencing any emotional conflict. As with most issues of this nature, it is a combined product of childhood events/influences and innate desires aligning at an opportune time. It became an integral part of my life strategy on several levels. It is one of the most versatile tools in my toolbox.

There are a few challenges that accompany single life in a closet.
One is self-control. I am a very curious person and an explorer. I can easily drift past the designated swimming area and out into open water. When you are “alone” you always have the responsibility of pulling yourself back in when you have ventured too far out. The key is to be able to recognize it before you wander too far out to find your way back.

My closet has not been a prison cell. It is more like a funhouse. No pink fog, but lots of smoke and mirrors! :drink:

[Sophie86]

I see my closet as a springboard, and I'm trying to get out of it more. I agree that the wider world is a scary place and I don't have a lot of faith in society's ability to accept me as I am. I do have faith in my select group of friends, though, and I've found safe places where I can go to breathe the open air outside my closet. I consider those places safe because they're inhabited by other trans folk. When I see TG people being hateful towards each other, though, it makes me wonder if those places really are safe.

It would be unkind of anyone to allow you to delude yourself to your own harm hold an opinion which we find to be highly irritating.

Fixed.

[suchacutie]

Marvelous post. Besides being thoughtful it has generate thought in others...just about perfect!

Let me define "closet" as some privacy that we maintain, whatever that may be. I dare say that most of us are in the "closet" in regards to our tax returns, or does everyone here pass them around at parties for general comment and discussion?

If you indulge me about the "some form of privacy" aspect of our transgenderism, I would suggest that almost all of us have some part of our feminine selves that is "in the closet". Being "out of the closet" completely would then require that we fly our transgendered flag to everyone we meet and know. I've read a lot of posts here, and there are some in our community who really are beautifully "out". My admiration for them is immense. The rest of us have some privacy that we maintain, either from children, co-workers, family, or spouses. This privacy takes effort, just as removing privacy takes effort. The decisions about the breadth of privacy are personal and carefully thought out.

My closet is a little wild. As most of you know, I keep my gendered selves as separate as possible. My wife and I are protective of Tina from any connection of my male and female personas. Weird closet, huh?

[Anne2345]

I don't see how anyone can define being "in the closet" as a good thing. The only real advantage is avoiding the hassle of an intolerant public. For now, that can be significant, and going public can require a lot of effort, and take away from the fun of just wanting to express yourself.

Can one not enjoy watching a movie in the comfort of one's home on television? Or is it only possible to enjoy watching a movie in a theater? There are pros and cons either way, but clearly, it is possible to both watch and enjoy a movie in either setting, assuming it is a movie worth watching in the first place.

I go out in public not because I need it or somehow feel that the closet is a cop-out. I do it because it doesn't bother to be different. I am not courageous, just fortunate to be comfortable being myself, and I want to help pave the way for public acceptance, so that others will feel more comfortable getting out.

That is fantastic that you are “fortunate to be comfortable being” yourself, and go out in public, given that you choose to do so. I find it almost impossible to believe, however, that you have always been this comfortable with your crossdressing. As such, I do not believe you are giving yourself enough credit – you ARE courageous for doing what you do, and I respect that! But it does not mean that crossdressers that remain in the closet are not also courageous. Whether in the closet, or out in public, it takes courage to be a crossdresser. And I respect the courage of each and every one of you!

Not everyone is the right type of person to go out. Those of us who can should, and people who are shy about being "weird" are equally respectable for enjoying themselves at home.

Not every crossdresser wants to go out in public. I am within this subgroup of crossdressers. But this does not necessarily mean I am “shy” about being “weird.” Even if I wanted to go out into public, I have reasons why I cannot, such as my job, career, and need to pay the bills, just to name a few. Truth be told, though, if I did want to go out in public, I do not doubt I would be a nervous wreck over it . . . .

[GirlieAmanda]

The closet is a wonderful place. Its OK to be "in" there. The "closeted" girls are OK to me. They are my people and I love them for it. But if like me one needs to venture out then that's good too. My closet is just a room in the basement in which I live right now after my divorce but its still great. I can't wait to have a real closet sometime.

I have ventured out a number of times but am still nervous every time. It dissapates after I get going but its still there. The closet is easier and more comfy than the cold hard world but yet I have moved beyond the closet and beyond CDing I feel. I am as free as a bird or like a dog that's been let off his leash to tear ass around the neighborhood. I have this opportunity but not everyone does. I am also fortunate to look half decent enough to go out too although I have seen more mannish girls who look great out and they just make me think, what the hell am I waiting for? Do it!

[5150 Girl]

Back in my closet days, It was a combination of the fear thing, and the surender thing you mentiond.

[Bootsiegalore]

My closet is my Kitty's Sanctuary. She sleeps there in a basket lined with a towel on top of the safe!

Rachel

[NicoleScott]

It was a great post, Anne, and it hits home because I've lived in the closet most of my life. Only my wife knows, plus a couple of people no longer in my life, one of whom divorced me because of my crossdressing (coming OUT of the closet to her. How'd THAT work for me?)
A couple of posters here seem to have proven your point. We want acceptance in the world but know it's not there. Heck, it's not even HERE. Sharing your deepest thought with us, and being told you're WRONG. Let's not let them get us down or pull us out of the closet we're comfortable to stay in.
For those who want us all to come out of the closet: sorry, I can't be a martyr for your cause. Have some respect, please, for those who choose to keep their crossdressing private.

[Tara D. Rose]

Wow, Anne, that was a beautiful awesome post. I applaud you so much for the time you took to express yourself in some of the most awesome way of putting words. I loved it personally. But as I have gotten to know cross dressers personally and from the thousands of posts from so many forums over the years, I am convinced the we (crossdressers) are just as diverse of a community as is non crossdressers. So of course there are some of us that need to stay in the closet for so many reasons. I happen to one of them. But my desire is to go out and about in society and to be able to do it without the common fears that not all, but so many, of us do fear.
There are some crossdressers that come and go as they please from their homes. And they say that they have no problems from the public. Then there are those that have ventured out and were hassled or harassed, or sneered at and even verbally threatened, and so as a result, they run back to the closet. Then there are some that were beginning to relinquish their fears of going out in public only to read of these terrible stories and learn from them and then run back to the safety of their homes.
And so Anne, it’s good that you are content to stay in the closet and the privacy of your home. It’s all about choice. And that choice suits you so well, but for some that want to venture out, may not do so for the fears as I mentioned above. Has society earned the right to see me? Society doesn’t give a damn. Does society owe me anything? No, nothing. It’s just good “IF” society would at least treat me with “a little” respect if I go out in public. And what if we go out and see someone we know and they recognize us? What will they think? Most would call all of our mutual friends and family and tell the world, (the world) definition: everyone that we may hold dear. And the reputation of ourselves will be ruined, not that we are bad or anything, but all of the stereotypical stigmatisms that go hand in hand about crossdressers WITH modern society today. Some of us stay in the closet just out of simple fear of this happening to them. If my work were to find this out about me, I would be the laughing stock of the company. There would be horrible humiliating jokes made by everyone at every turn. My life would be ruined. But my desire as well as I’m sure many on this forum, would love to go out in public, and not be harassed by anyone. If we had a guarantee that we would be safe from that, maybe more of us would leave the closet, or the safety and sanctuary of our homes. I know that the society we live in today, is not that kind of a society. But personally, I need more than to get all dolled up and then just stay home.
And just one more short note, to the one on here that said you were dead wrong, shame on this person, for you are not dead wrong. You were just giving your opinions. And you have a right to your opinion. So I say to that person, how dare you say Anne is wrong.
And so I applaude you for your awsome words of wisdom and experience. I agree with most of what you said in this awsome post and I respectfully disagree with other parts of it, but one thing you were not, you were not wrong.............Love & respect..................Tara

[LeeAnnRose]

Joana, I am going to go with the fact that this pieces speaks to a number of CD's out there. It bears out not just the personal trip one takes as a CD (and maybe more) but also the road you may place your family on as well. In ones own conscience is where you find YOUR answer. What is it you are trying to be or do? Much like Anne I have come to terms with the cross dressing part of things. Going out is where my line gets taught. It sounds appealing, and I've even done it, once. Realizing the potential risks and what could have gone wrong has since scared the crap out of me. My job would have been in jeopardy, my kids do not know- what would I say to them. My wife is aware and reluctantly shares this part of me. Could I really expect her to 'deal with me going out' because I want to?

Keeping LeeAnn in the walls of this house is the calculated best decision for me right now. I use this forum to reach out now, and while the plight is still unfortunate, I do take some comfort in knowing others feel the same way. Other have young children who do not know. I do not want to put my gift or the burden it may bring on my children, it's not fair to them at their ages. Maybe I could be a little more open if they were older, but then I take into account the place where I live. Am I going to get beat up for going out dressed? Am I going to take a verbal barrage if I do so? Absolutely. Will the rest of my family take that same hit, you bet.

Society is cruel. While we should be predestined to believe everyone is wired to do the right thing, that is not the way of the world. Johnny, I know they gave you a 9th place trophy out of 9 teams, but sometimes you really do lose. A strong work ethic and never quit attitude got me to where I am. I am not quitting on myself but I am making the calculated choice to stay back in my closet and only feed the desire to dress when it is safe to do so.

Bringing up the 'busted' post seems to be a shot at trying to discredit this whole post. In essence, Anne had a mental break-in that day. It was not intentional or done with malice but a little piece of that safety zone was compromised that day. If you've ever had a car or house broken-into you know it can stress you and make you almost frantic. It does not change how she feels or her need to stay as below the radar as she can. Many of us do it, I'm on that plan. What will happen, is Anne will take a second look at the patterns of a dressed day. She will be significantly more aware of her surroundings and check the ins and outs of her closet are once again secure. I don't think that this is a praise or shot at the closet. It simply a notation that all our closets are different. The closet is our own comfort zone, and damn some of the members here have some REALLY big closets. Some of us...are in a very small closet. Sometimes we don't even get to use our own closet when we want. We need to wait for family trips to be planned or out of town time to happen. It's just the game we play.

Ok, now I am rambling...I'm done.

[Jolene]

I have so many nice outfits that I would enjoy wearing out in the world, but to me it just would not be worth all of the grief from narrow minded people.

[Joanagreenleaf]

I'm not surprised that so many people "here" support the delusions celebrated in the original post.

Meh.

The question asked was, "What about my view of the closet"?

It's a box, a windowless place with a door, dark most of the time...

You want to live there, and worship the voices in your head, while fingering your frills go ahead.

"Society" is you too, and "we" can get along with a minority of members not participating.

If you were to come out and participate, society would change - in ways you'd like.

But, you won't make the effort, which leaves others to do "the work" for you - as the OP notes - and "loves" us for.

Spare me your poetry and prose about "your" useless to the rest of us closet.

Pity some of you private "PMer's" won't do more than the OP...

What a waste of numbers.

[Sara Jessica]

I may spend a fair amount of time in the "real" world but I would never disparage anyone's decision not to do the same thing. We all have different experiences, life situations, goals, needs, etc. This whole thing is far from one size fits all.

And she who wrote this OP did so with such eloquence and grace. The only loss in her not getting out is that the rest of us are deprived the chance to meet such a wonderful woman. Yet we can still read her words, written under the shining light of her closet, enriched by her POV, understanding another facet of our community a little better.

[Presh GG]

Dear Ann,

Have you ever noticed those who scream the loudest about being out , Never even post a picture ?

For those who are being mean to be mean, only a resident of loserville would miss a neighbour.

Presh gg

[donnatracey]

Very eloquently written, Anne! And I agree and understand your position. All I'll say is that fortunately, not everyone from Texas feels like Joana.......for a "newbie" she sure is not shy or very diplomatic. I'll leave it at that......:Angry3:

[Christina Horton]

For those of you within the closet, such as myself, what does “the closet” mean to you?

Ok I'm not in the closet anymore but I would like to say a few things!

Is it a place of shame, where some of us dress with our heads hung low, that we, society forbid, actually enjoy dressing as the opposite sex?

Unfortunately it can be a great strain and burden to some people out there. And when a person feels that it can sour and they grow bitter.

Is it a place of fear, where abject timidity dictates that we dress in solitude, for worry of reprisal or rejection by certain segments of our community?

There is some of that but in my experience there has been nothing but acceptance for myself.

Is it a place of embarrassment, where a self-perceived loss of masculine virility leads to discomfiture, that we are somehow failing the expectations of society and ourselves?

Society or letting our Dads down. Some think it's a weakness to show that your not the (normal) man. Which is what some thing. I think it make us a more round and fulfilled person .

Is it a dark, foreboding hamlet of surrender, where those within succumb to the vagaries of society, and abandon the cause of the crossdresser, whatever that may be, and fend only for ourselves?

Or a private war in the inside of our minds. We all take time to come to term with of fem-side and some just never get there.

Is it a place of sin, where we commit treason against nature and a higher calling, with little hope of absolution in the future?

Or against god? That I think is what you were saying. God made us this way so why would we have any prob in the future?

Is it a blessed sanctuary, a place of self expression and love, that is cherished, honored, and protected?

It's safe like we all were in our mothers Tummy. Or a test tube depends on how you came into this world lol.

Or is the closet none of the above, some of the above, or something else entirely different?

It can be all and none to some. It all depends on you life and where you live and the people around you.

Since joining this forum, I have thought a lot about “the closet,” and what it means to me. I am in the closet for probably many of the same reasons other closeted members are - safety, security, and comfort, to name a few.

Yes and I have no prob with anyone wanting to stay in the closet....But shared joy is a joy for all. I always say the more people whom has never seen a live CD See's one of us , and there experience with us is a good one , they will relate that story with joy and maybe a joke or two and could that be a bad thing?

But why am I really in the closet? Some members of the forum have a desire, a need, to leave the closet and crossdress in public. I respect this. I applaud such members’ courage. And I wish these sisters the best, and a safe voyage in their journey of public self-expression.

The reason I wanted to go out was because , The dust bunnies in the closet with me were just big bullies and kept me self conscious of myself. No but I felt I wanted to not be restricted to behind closed doors. I wanted to feel what it felt to shop dressed , walk in the wind dressed , and yes go to the ladies room dressed. So for me it was just a matter of time for me.

Another segment of the membership here, albeit a small segment, appears to frown on the closet, and suggest it is beneath us. Their perception appears to further suggest it is a negative place.

Yes some are like that but I think they just want the girls and guys in out family here to be as out and have as much fun as they do. It's like when you see a great movie you just love and want your friends to see it. You go to the movie or rent the video and you enjoy there reaction to the film and have fun almost as if they made the movie. So as I said shared joy is what we love to see.

I, however, have no such desire to share my gift with the world. None at all. Perhaps I am being selfish. Perhaps I am afraid. Perhaps I cannot afford the risk. But perhaps it is also something more than this.

I think it can be all of that. Are you selfish...yes but thats just fine. Most people are selfish to some extent. I know I am. Are you afraid...Yes but if your not afraid your first time going out or even thinking about it then your braver then I could ever be.... RISK...yes there is a risk in anything you do but most of the thing you are a risk taker is stuff you do all the time now. Like driving a car , Flying etc. Do you remember the first time you got behind the Wheel of a car...Do you remember your first time alone at school. Fear is normal and good for you and that is where you get the (THRILL) . And that "can"be the reason you don't want to go out.

Deep down, I harbor no faith in society to ever understand me. I further believe that society will never fully accept me. I am under no illusions. And yet, it is not that I believe that I am failing society, it is that I believe society is failing me

.

Society never fully excepts anything. Has society fully accepted Christianity or the thought of equal rights for everyone? No because unless you use a mind altering device on everyone they will not as a group except everything. But the do for the most part are either excepting or tolerant of us in many ways. And the more they see the better it will be for the people whom are not ready to go out if they so choose to.

As such, it is society’s loss that it cannot understand and comprehend the beauty and magic of crossdressing. It is society’s loss that it limits and constricts itself in manners that I find nescient, stifling, and completely unimaginative. Further, it is society’s fault that it makes not a legitimate and good faith attempt to understand and accept me, but instead attempts to sweep me under the carpet with the hope that no one notices.

Now you can't put this all on society's shoulders. After all would you say is "Tim's" fault for not being tolerating a gay man if they never met one or know anyone who's gay ? Is it "Tim's" fault if he did not have the wonderful experience in dressing up like a women ? No not 100% . It is all our fault....It's society's fault for not being open minded and it's out fault for not showing that we are fabulous and worth getting to know and love. You don't have to worrie about if others except you. Only you need to worrie about your own acceptance. Once you have then your free , Weather your in the closet or out and about.

So why should I share myself with society? In this, I owe society nothing. Consequently, I have chosen to close the door to the world, and remain safely tucked away in my closet.

Why not? Society won't learn to love you/us unless you do share your gift to all. Are you sure you owe society nothing? I'm not sure why but that sounded weird to me. I can't think of a reason to debunk that but it just seem like an odd thing to say. Not that it's wrong but just gave me a sec to pause and think about that.

But make no mistake about it, I absolutely love crossdressing and crossdressers! I need to crossdress. I want to express myself and find an outlet for my feminine side. I vigorously embrace femininity and indulge within this very tangible part of my existence.

It will always be part of me and something that will never go away. When you get to that point your life can only be better.

And I can do all of this within the sanctuary of my beloved closet. I can do it because I crossdress for myself, and myself only. I need not the approval of those I have not invited into my closet. My closet is magical. It is beautiful. It is my temple of femininity and expression of self, where I am free to be me.

You go girl. If your happy there then I'm proud of you. But think about this..... What happens in say a few years when being in the closet is not enough? do you think you could stake out on your own? After all people can and will change and if you truly are an open mined person (which I think you are) you could change your mind and want to do out. I hope and wish you stay happy but I just don't want you to never except that you will never change or want to go out.

My closet is also misunderstood by the world, and I will not allow it to be defiled and blasphemed by non-believers. Thus, my closet is a private club, closed to those who hate, attack, or do not understand. No membership card, no entry, no exceptions.

As I said above I have been out of the closet since 92 and out and about as a women off and on since 2008. I can't see myself being stuffed back into it because I have gain more weight and could never fit back in LOL. Yes the closet is misunderstood and I have also misunderstood it until I read your thread. I never though someone could enjoy it so much. If your happy go for it.

In this regard, I remain in the closet because I do not believe society has earned the right to view me, as it cannot possibly view me as I view myself, or see the beauty that I represent as a crossdresser. So why should I denigrate myself in this manner, given the other very real risks I must consider attendant with going public, when I am otherwise content in my closet?

See above comment.

My answer to this question, the answer that applies to me, is simple – I should not, and do not. The opportunities I am presented with within my closet are limited only by my imagination and sense of self-awareness. In other words, the opportunities I perceive are limitless. I am genuinely happy in my closet. I have no compunctions whatsoever about remaining in my closet. Most importantly, I love my closet, and that awesome, inspiring, and powerful magic that occurs within.

As said before you write like a poet. You describe your life in the closet so wonderfully I just want to see what it's like in your closet and wonder if I can rent it for a day to experience what you do

To those brave souls that do leave the closet, are
open about their crossdressing, and fight the battle for acceptance, know that I love and respect you for your valiant efforts. As a group, if we are ever to succeed, we need you, and I thank you for this.

It's not a outward battle but an inner battle that we have to fight. When you go out you will see after a while that you are the one that in fighting and no one outside even knows there a=is a huge battle ragging all around them. Most people never even SEE others around them, There just worried about there life and thats it.

But to my fellow closet dwelling sisters out there, how do you view your own closet?

When I was in there I viewed it like a leash holding me back and keeping me from being happy. Now I look at it from outside and all I see is my lost time I could have been happier in my past. All the waited years I could have been dressing and the fun I missed.

From Christina Horton to all in the closet....

The closet is a safe comfortable place to live and if you want to stay there then your happyness is whats your right and I want you all to be happy.

Just don't close your mind to going out one day after all none of us can say for sure if something in out own lives will stay the same and never change. Yes there are people whom will never go out and as long as there happy then fine. But if you feel that there is a hole in your life or soul and going out might fill that hole then....

[Amanda22]

The true measure of a good post is this .... half the people think it's great; the other half think it's not.
I'm with the first group.

Ha! I like that, and agree with you. Good one.