it finally happened, future uncertain

[kaleyg]

my wife found a stash (not everything), but it was the most important stuff. she was absolutely furious and shocked. she didn't think i 'struggled' with this anymore and had no idea i was dressing. so, the future is uncertain. my marriage is infinitely more important to me than dressing or being transgender. so, while i felt ok doing it while she was ignorant, to do it now violates her trust. and my makeup, underwear, wig and a few other things went in a dumpster and are on their way to a landfill somewhere.

i know many of you will say that i'll be back in the saddle again soon, but i dont know. i even deleted all my pics!!!! that was the hardest thing ive done in a long time. (tho, i still have an old hard drive with some on it) but many are lost forever. aaaahhhhgg! i guess thats my first purge.

i may not be around much, but i'll check in from time to time. thanks to everyone for your support and kindness.

the individual formerly known as kaley

[Karren H]

I was where you are 4 years ago.... Saying the same things. Thinking the same thoughts. I wish you luck and strength.

[Jeanna]

Wow, reality can suck! Good luck and keep your chin high!

[GaleWarning]

Good move, kaley. You have your priorities correct. Sort out your marriage first, then see how your wife copes with the truth.
We know you will be back, but in the mean time, good luck!

[2B Natasha]

And doing it without her knowledge, " while she was ignorant " was OK? But to do it now violates her trust? Strange set of ideals you have there. very strange. Lying is OK, but only until you get caught? So that you can hurt in the worst possible way the most inportant women in your life? Odd it's just odd to me

[Joni Thomas]

The same thing happened to me years ago...........I kept a low profile for the longest time. I was gonna quit, but I could not. We worked slowly and it was very tough, but she is accepting to a point and the rough patch is over. Just communicate and hope for the best.

[Gaby2]

Hi Kaley, I hope you and your wife can sort this out asap.

Natasha's answer is harsh but puts your confusion in the real context.
I myself felt extremely uncomfortable while reading it.

And doing it without her knowledge, " while she was ignorant " was OK? But to do it now violates her trust? Strange set of ideals you have there. very strange. Lying is OK, but only until you get caught? So that you can hurt in the worst possible way the most inportant women in your life? Odd it's just odd to me

Natasha's opinion is quite true but a little hard to stomach, when this has just happened.
It took me years to recognize my own failings which caused similar traumatic scenes with my Ex.
Indeed it was therapy that helped me (and us) most - unfortunately we didn't go for professional help early enough.

Best wishes for you, and especially for your wife and your relationship together.
Gaby

[kaleyg]

i was wrong in doing it behind her back -- embarrassing to get called out publicly on the website for being a creep. but, the wrongness seems multiplied now if i do it. before, it was like my own little secret. now, ive implicitly promised not to. i cant imagine her accepting anything right now.

but your right its odd. my conscience has gotten messed up and i need to start listening to it. but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

[JamieTG]

First, give her some time to cool off and don't force a discussion on the topic right now. Possibly in the future when the desire comes back strong (trust me it will), you can be honest and try to work out a compromise. You let her think it was not a part of your life anymore so it may be the lack of honesty more than the Xdressing that has her so furious right now. Best of luck.

[kendra_gurl]

i was wrong in doing it behind her back -- embarrassing to get called out publicly on the website for being a creep. but, the wrongness seems multiplied now if i do it. before, it was like my own little secret. now, ive implicitly promised not to. i cant imagine her accepting anything right now.

but your right its odd. my conscience has gotten messed up and i need to start listening to it. but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

That is a very honest response. Most of us have some kind of secret we don't share with a spouse. Most secrets that are found out and then forgivin are with a promise to never do it or lie about it or hide it ever again and I know that is what you meant in your OP in how to continue would violate her trust.

This thread about you is not the place to drag up other threads about the difference between hiding something and lying about it

Hope you both the best

[AmandaBlack]

i was wrong in doing it behind her back -- embarrassing to get called out publicly on the website for being a creep. but, the wrongness seems multiplied now if i do it. before, it was like my own little secret. now, ive implicitly promised not to. i cant imagine her accepting anything right now.

but your right its odd. my conscience has gotten messed up and i need to start listening to it. but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

You're not the only "creep". I am totally closet and would never think of telling my s/o. If I got caught I'd be in the same boat as you.

[Cynthia Anne]

.
but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

You know, you have jus raised a big question there!
Truth be told I bet some that have already judge you are liars! I know what you are going through by my own mistakes! If I ever get my door step clean, then I'll clean yours! Until then I will hope the best for you and yours! HUGS

[sarahNZ]

Yes it was wrong but you have come to terms with that, I did the exact same thing so I can't be to hypocritical! My bigger mistake was to continue behind her back after the fact, rubbing it in if you will. I did learn one thing though (when it was too late), the marriage could have probably been salvaged if I had left it alone for a while (maybe a few months) and then talked to my (ex)wife explaining that I have been experiencing the urges to dress but not doing so because of my promise to her, it turned out that she just needed time to come to terms with it all without me pushing it in her face all the time! And this website had a bit to do with that.


AAhhhhh hindsight eh?!


I wish you and your SO the best with the long jurney ahead.

[ReineD]

Kaley, I don't know you and I don't know how much you feel this is a choice for you or not, but if it isn't, does your wife know this?

If your approach with her thus far has been that you've been "bad", doing things that you shouldn't have done, then I can understand why she might agree with you. But, have you ever tried to educate her about this and tell her this is a part of who you are, that you do need to express your femininity on occasion even if she does not participate, and that you would rather do it without going behind her back?

[Barbra P]

Well I concur with Natasha, and I also agree with Kittykitty. One pertinent statement that you wrote was “…i guess thats my first purge”, almost prophetic.

Have you considered counseling, eventually counseling with both you and your wife? I have had two Therapists tell me that the desire (if that is the right word) to cross dress generally forms during early childhood and some Doctors and researchers think it may even form in the womb. Either way, medical science hasn’t perfected a “cure” as of yet. What drove you to cross dress in the first place didn’t just disappear into that dumpster with all of your feminine things.

You might want to read the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Dr. Peggy Rudd. After reading it you may want your Wife to read it, it may help her to understand why you have been cross dressing and why you probably can’t just quit. Rather than tear their marriage apart, Dr. Rudd and her husband found a way for his cross dressing to strengthen their marriage.

Let your Wife have a cooling off period, read the book, then have a heart-to-heart talk with her. She is probably operating from a position of ignorance and she probably believes that if you cross dress you are gay or bisexual, that you will eventually want an operation to become a female. You need to find out why she is so furious and try to alleviate her fears.

You wrote “…she didn't think i 'struggled' with this anymore” and that tells me she was at one time aware that you did cross dress, she just wasn’t aware that you still did – maybe this isn’t your first purge? Is she by any chance furious because you kept it a secret, that you weren’t honest and up front with her more than the fact that you cross dress?

There are a lot of unanswered questions and both of you may need a therapist to sort them. You may need a therapist to fully understand yourself and to accept yourself. She may need a therapist to explain to her that cross dressing is an integral part of your makeup and that it is extremely doubtful that you can turn off that desire.

I’m having my own problems with my Wife right now, and I’m seeing a Therapist on the recommendation of our Family Physician. It has been explained to me that therapy can’t help me stop cross dressing but it might help me cope with my Wife’s lack of acceptance. In time I hope our Physician and the Therapist can convince my Wife to be more accepting.

I wish you luck, because I think you are going to need it.

[Nicole Erin]

For those that say she will be back, let me remind you -

i even deleted all my pics!!!!

Now this is serious business! I mean someone who takes so drastic a measure as to delete pics surely is not going to go back to tranny'ing anytime soon.

It reminds me of this gang banger kid I saw at the gas station saying, "Naw I don't steal, for real, look, I am wearing a cross around my neck!"

Getting rid of photos is about as serious as it gets.

[prettytoes]

I went through the same thing a few months ago..it's still pretty fresh, so I can definately relate. After we sat down and talked about it, things were much better. I found out how truely wonderful my wife really is. While she is still a little uncomfortable with certain things, she is very understanding of the whole thing. She knows that this is a part of my soul, and cannot be changed or tossed to the curb.
As of now, she does not want to see me in a skirt or dress, but she is OK with my toenails being painted, panties 24/7, nighties, silk and satin women's PJ's, and sport bras when I am working out. She washes all my clothes with all the other laundry without any negative comments or complaints, and she got me special hangers to keep my skirts better organized.
It really helped that she wanted to learn about it, and she read 2 books that I got for her. I got all the typical questions, and I answered them as honestly and openly as possible. I constantly assure her that I am still the same man she fell in love with, and that I will always be her MAN. I explained to her that this was part of me since I was very young, and I kept it hidden out of fear that I would lose her.
Since I have been able to express my feminine side I have been much happier, I sleep better at night, my confidence is way up, I have not been at all depressed, I "self stimulate" far less often, and I found feelings for my wife that I thought were gone forever. Our love life has been far better (and more frequent!), and we hardly argue at all. We have become best friends again. I feel like I did when we first started dating...head over heels in love.
I do not push things on her, I try to let her set the pace of acceptance. I do not parade around in front of her in anything that I think may make her uncomfortable, and I try to not talk about it too much. I do not use make-up as of now; I mainly enjoy the clothing.
Every woman is different. All I can tell you is that I never thought my wife would accept dressing to any degree, and look where we are now, so soon after her discovery. Try to educate her, and explain to her that this is part of who you are.
I wish you the best, and I hope things work out as good for you as they have for me. Good luck!

[cd_in_de]

Been there done that. You will be back to dressing-with or without wife and/or her permission.

[mourningdove]

First of all, you're not a creep. You're a vulnerable human being who lied to the person who's supposed to know you best. This is by no means an unusual thing to have happen in a marriage. You have your reasons for hiding from your wife and they're quite possibly valid reasons. But at the same time, it's no surprise that she's upset. There's an entire side of you that you haven't given her the opportunity to know. Now maybe she doesn't want to know the real you. Maybe she just wants you to maintain an illusion that she feels comfortable with. But then again, maybe some honesty would go a long way toward making your cding easier for her to except.

[docrobbysherry]

Kaley, we've rehashed what u and others do SO MANY TIMES!

What's REALLY IMPORTANT is, what LANDFILL do u live close to?

[Sophie86]

Kaley, I hope everything works out for you. Good luck!

-----

Strange set of ideals you have there.

Can we just not do that? Is it necessary?

[Maria in heels]

Kaley....I am SO SORRY that you are going thru those rough time...I know how hard it can be, and if you need anything, jut ask....

[kaleyg]

wow! i really appreciate all the replies. nicole erin -- is that sarcasm? it was so veiled i actually wasn't sure. and i knew someone would mention the landfill! ;-) i wish i had the optimism that some have about talking to my wife. the problem is, there are some religious issues here - conservative ones. i am a very conflicted person. i cant see any way to reconcile tg/cd with our religious views. i know people have tried, but i'll let you in on a little secret . . . i have graduate-level education in theology, and i just cant see it. and i dont want to force my wife to join me in my little charade. then she's got to carry around the secret and the "if only they knew" feeling. but boy, that would be amazing if she would be accepting.

[Sophie86]

i have graduate-level education in theology, and i just cant see it. and i dont want to force my wife to join me in my little charade. then she's got to carry around the secret and the "if only they knew" feeling. but boy, that would be amazing if she would be accepting.

Oh wow. I'm an atheist myself, but I know there's been some discussion here about the parts of the Bible that deal with crossdressing, and how there is an alternative interpretation of them. I'll let the people who know about that elaborate more, but I do wish you luck!

You might find this article helpful. It deals with closeted homosexuals, but I think the same principles would apply.

[Samantha Scott]

Kayley I really do wish you and your SO the best in trying to work through this and I hope you are both happy with the end result. Try not to listen to any negative comments regarding how you have dealt with this, they are your descisions and only you know what is right and wrong for you. We all do things that others don't agree with, but when it comes down to it we do these things for a reason, be to keep the peace or to make things seem easier.

Take care of yourself through it all and remember we are all here if you need us.