Just wondering....

[Tamara Croft]

Although I know a few of you quite well here, I'd like to know just a couple of things.

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?

2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?

Thanx :D

[Jamie M]

well i'd have to go with option number 2 i'm afraid.

I always said to myself that it was okay to date someone without telling them but if things ever went further i.e. proposing or something i wouldn't do that until i had , but in the end things were brought out of the closet long before things got to that point so oh well.

to set the scene , kelly and i had been dating for just under a year and had gone away on hold with some friends. silly me had left a picture of me in the glove box of my car ( don't ask why it was there can't even remember myself now ! ) and low and behold kelly found it.

I was out having an early morning swim at the time and when i came back i thought someone had died !

To cut a very long story short , we talked and talked and talked and to her immense credit she dealt with it very maturelyconsidering she was only sixteen at the time . in fact i think she dealt with it more maturely than many wifes do when they find out.

We've been through all the usual stages to get where we are now including denial for a very long time but having said that she has never made me feel bad or wrong for doing this ( i always manged to care of that side of it on my own )

so the short , short version ? kelly discovered it , dealt with it amazingly , and are now begining to come to terms with it

good question tamara

[Katie Ashe]

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?I met Dawn in 1990, I told her in 2005. Why, the biggest reason I was ashamed of what I am, and didn't like who I was. Since I told her, I have learned to accept myself throught counciling. (Thanks Tari)

2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?I told her when I had a mental breakdown, she took it well for the most part, we talked over a few weeks to get things out in the open, she still is my best friend and would never change that. She likes to have fun playing dress-up now, What a gal.

[TGMarla]

I opted, for better or worse, to not tell my wife about my crossdressing for a few obvious reasons. First, I was embarrassed, and thought that she would think less of me as a man. Second, I thought that if I told her, I would scare her away. She was the best thing that had happened in my life in a very long time, and I was afraid to lose her.

But she found out. And it was a nasty thing. She had a son. He was away visiting friends. I got dressed, and when I least expected it, he came home and saw me. He was only about 12 at the time. The relationship we had (tried) to cultivate was not the best. He felt that he finally had something over on me. In a sad way, I guess he was right about that. Anyway, 12-year olds cannot keep a delicious secret from anyone. So he told EVERYONE, including, of course, my wife. We then had "the discussion". But it resolved nothing between us. I still dress, I still keep it away from her. She doesn't ask, and we do not discuss it. Not the best of worlds, but for now, our relationship is doing okay. So we both keep the status quo....for now.

[Wendy me]

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?


no i did not tell her when we met ok sounds silly but i was not like real comfy with being a cd this was before i realy knew that there were outhers like me out there i tryed to like pertend it would just go away like a strange thing i did of corse as time went on i became aware that this just simply would not just go away ....



2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?



yes she did find out that are you sick?? are you gay???? you know the drill ....
i think she did not want to know and outside of getting busted for little things make up nails we never realy talked abought it .....untill resently when i thought it's soooooo time to step this up and get it out in the open ....she dose ask some questions nowbut we are out of that omg stage and getting better with things.....

[Amelie]

I met my BF while I was dressed. But I do try my best to hide my male side from him. I keep my male side firmly in the closet.lol

[Jenny Beth]

We had only been together for a year or so when I told her I had always been curious about what it would be like to shave my legs and wear pantyhose. She thought this was very odd to say the least but in the end said that if I was to try it I would feel silly and that would be the end of it. She gave me a pair of hers and that's where it all started. As this desire progressed she was very uncomfortable and I could not explain why I was finding this so obsessive. There were lots of tears from both of us but we always talked and I never kept anything from her. Nearly 25 years later and this is just a way of life for us.

[Dixie Darling]

Tamera,

1) Back in the time when my wife and I married there was very little information available anywhere regarding crossdressing. In fact, the word 'crossdresser' had not yet been coined and about the only definition for a man who dressed in women's clothes was 'transvestite'. Like most of us from that time era, I had no idea there were others like me and at that time I firmly believed that once I was married, the desire would go away and be nothing more than a past memory. (WRONG!!!) So, again like most of us) I didn't say anything about it.

2) To say that she 'found out about it' wouldn't be correct. To say that she began to suspect it would be a better description since on a few occasions I would put on one of her nighties, a little makeup, step out of the bathroom, and "surprise" her under the guise of being funny. She thought it WAS funny until I'd done it a few times and it reached a point where it wasn't funny any more. Over the years she would notice little tell-tale signs that I'd been wearing makeup, causing her suspicions to grow even more until she finally reached a point where she determined in her own mind that I was dressing when she was away. Needless to say this didn't make her a happy camper and from time to time we would BRIEFLY discuss it. In all these discussions she always projected a very evident negative attitude about it.

Fast forward several years and my job became such that I was required to travel quite a bit. As most of us have done, these out-of-town/state trips afforded me the opportunity to dress (which I always took full advantage of). She would alway suspect that I'd been enfemme at night when I was away from home. Fast forward again to the advent of the internet and all the information available about what was now known as crossdressing. I gathered enough creditable information about the subject to fill a one inch three ring binder and prepared it to give to her with a 6 page letter at the beginning of the information. I prayed for a "sign" as to when I should give her this information and when it came time to present it to her I handed her the binder and asked her to read the letter and ALL the information behind it before she started to ask questions. This was what I consider to be sort of an 'official' coming out (or admission that yes - I WAS a crossdresser).

To shorten this already lengthy reply, the results were (and still are) that she didn't accept it and wouldn't even consider tolerating it. I'm sure that a large part of this lack of cooperation is due to her "old school" upbringing. The rest is nothing more than hard headedness and a refusal to accept documented evidence that crossdressing isn't as uncommon as she believes it to be. She also will not accept the fact that it isn't the perverted monster that she views it as being. She's also refused any form of counseling (with or without me being present) with anyone on a professional level, refuses to meet any other wives whose husband is a heterosexual crossdresser, and doesn't want to see any more information about it whatsoever.

I've left off a lot of details here for the sake of brevity, but hopefully this will be sufficient to answer your questions.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Tracy Lynn]

Hi Tamara,

1) I did not tell my wife when we met which was back in 1989. I always felt like I wanted her to know but never could bring myself to tell her. I thought if I can just keep it to myself and dress when she was not home everything would be OK. We worked different shifts for like 4 years so it gave me plenty of opportunity without bringing her in. For the past 6 years I have been on the road for my work. I actually had an apartment in another state and stayed there for 3 to 4 days at a time. Again, why bother telling her and risk the chance of losing my best friend.

2) This past year my wife and I moved in together in the same state permanently. I had thrown out all of my clothes, lingerie, and jewelry in fear of her finding it when she moved in. After about 4 months the desire to dress up was overwelming. I thought to myself she is my wife, best friend and lover and I have to tell her so that I would not go crazy. I was terrified when I sat her down to talk. She thought I was going to say I was having an affair or leaving her or something. Never in a million years did she expect what I told her. She asked the usual questions about being gay and all but I tried to explain how it made me feel. Ever since I came out to her our lives have been better. She has no resentment toward me and actually gets involved. What a wife!!!!!

[Jonien]

After the life threatening treatment I received from my parents I learned very quickly to hid my own feelings and be the boy thy wanted I wasn't happy but I could stay alive that way having been put away for a year in a home and brain washed I was scared.
So no I could not tell my wife as I had no reason to as I was not dressing at the time it is something that has progressed it started with just panties and tights as tights keep you worm on the bike as she was told.
But as I have a little bit of breast from loosing Waite i try-ed on a bra and she court me and I had to explain she then took me to the bedroom and pulled out her wardrobe to find dresses and things that would fit me well from that moment on the Shields that have kept me in male mode suddenly went she was OK with it my parents are no longer alive so my life has just been reborn I can be me at last.

[Stephanie]

Although I know a few of you quite well here, I'd like to know just a couple of things.

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?

2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?

Thanx :D

1.) I did not tell my wife about my crossdressing right away. In fact, when we first started seriously dating in 2000, my interest in and enthusiasm for my crossdressing had seriously waned and I was concerned about throwing too much at her so early in our relationship, especially since I had just gotten done disclosing to her about my same-sex feelings and I was concerned that another revelation might be too much for her to handle. Not having much interest in continuing with my crossdressing anyway (at the time), I purged and got rid of all my stuff when I moved out of my Dad's home the following year and the issue didn't really resurface for me until this year. In retrospect, I wish that I had went ahead and told her because she has ended up being accepting and supportive of my crossdressing for the most part.

2.) My wife did not actually find out anything about my crossdressing until I decided to personally disclose it to her back in April, although we didn't really start dealing with it until the following month when she found out that I had purchased a wig for myself. I'd say that we went through most of the same things that many couples have gone through in terms of coping with it. After assuring her of a few things and encouraging her to read some of the more popular pieces of literature on the subject, she has come to accept, if not enjoy my crossdressing, for the most part. There are still some aspects of my crossdressing that she is still not fully comfortable with (i.e. me wanting to go out in public enfemme) but overall, she is accepting and supportive of my crossdressing.

[Nikki Dee]

Option No. 1 for me..in that I didn't tell my wife for 20 years.!!!!...didn't have the balls...didn't want to risk losing her I suppose. Finally found the courage to come out 3 years ago...needed to do this for ME...needed to actually feel what had hithertoo been only fantasy and imagination...didn't want to end my days wondering "what if". Now I have a wonderfully supportive wife and I am making up for lost time...I'm having a Ball.!!!
Love Nikki. x

[Stephenie]

Well Tamara,

I told my wife first thing after being married 23+ years. Took awhile to find the right time. She did not and has no taken it well. She does not like the idea and as such I have told her that I would do my best to make sure she doen't have to see it. She did not like that responce but it was the best I could do. She now brings it up when we are argueing and says things that are not all that nice about it and where I might be going with it. All in all telling her was not one of the bright spots in our marrage. She now does not like to leave me alone in my own home because she feels that I would just dress up(she is right about that). It has become another straw on the camel's back. Soon there may be to many and it will break.

[Joanne08]

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?

When I first married I was very young and not very knowledgeable about my crossdressing. I had told myself that I would have to quit fooling around with girls clothes as I’m marrying and will be living with someone. Well, a few weeks after we were living together my wife says, “You have such beautiful eyes, I’d like to make them up sometime.” I filed that one away without saying anything until such time that the opportunity arose to act on her statement. She brought it up again and I said I had done this before and it opened up more than 20 years of crossdressing fun with her. All was under control until we started having marital problems. She started criticizing my dressing practices, banned me from dressing in front of her and then things really got bad. She outed me. It was a very embarrassing and hurtful time and confirmed the demise of our down spirling marriage. Up until this time I had accumulated quite a wardrobe, thousands of dollars worth of clothes, wigs, shoes, makeup, jewelry, everything and I PURGED IT ALL. I told myself that this was never going to happen again. I didn’t need to dress like a girl I’m through with that stuff. And I was for a while. I successfully stayed away from dressing for 7 years. Then it hit me again. In the meantime during that 7 years I met and married a wonderful woman. I was not interested in crossdressing and didn’t really even bother to inquire how she felt about such things. Fast forward to present…I know now that she has had friendships with several gay guys and that she connects crossdressing with being gay. She works in a hospital in a location not far from where many transsexuals live and work. The hospital probably does more sexual reassignment surgery than anywhere in the world so there are transsexuals everpresent in and around the area where she works. Some are not such a pretty sight, and I hear her negative and unkind comments about how they give her the creeps. One of her gay friends showed her some pictures of a Halloween party he went to with lots of guys in drag. She said one guy looked so female that why doesn’t he just make the change!!

Another thing is that I am the only male in my or my wifes families except for my father and my father –in-law. I am depended upon to be the man. My sisters, sister-in-law, cousins all look to me as the male representative of the families. My inlaws were ecstatic that their daughter married such a fine young man. It’s almost that I have a responsibility to be the man in the family. Quite ironic that I’d like just to be one of the girls, isn’t it?

I want very much to tell her of my dressing but I fear losing her. Knowing how she interprets things I’m thinking she is going to take it the wrong way. I couldn’t bare to have another relationship end in a disaster. On the other hand, I have displayed my feminine side to her in various ways and she accepts most of it. So maybe I’m a bit too cautious?

Thanks for asking,


Love, Jo

[Donna tv]

I fessed up shortly after being married , I knew that I had been CD'ing for so long ,I loved it and never wanted to have to stop. So I thought after such a short time married it would have hurt to lose her but I thought about how much more it hurt her if she found me out and even worse if it were many years after. She was shocked , all the typical questions were asked . She admitted she did not understand it but was ok with it as long as no one else would ever find out. 27 years later so far so good we have had a lot of fun together (playing and shopping etc.). The only time she gets weirded out is when I wear my wigs. My hair is kind of long normally (grew up in the 60's) and I hate short hair. She says I look good and that I don't need a wig. I love my wigs , with out them to me , I look like me wearing make up and a skirt, but I think when I do put on a wig I cross the line from the male part of me to the more feminine side of me that changes my whole personality. It sounds kind of hard to explain but to her i go from her husband dressed like a female to some one that does not look like her husband any more . So sex is never a problem, I can put my hair in electric curlers or do what ever until I wear my wigs then she just lets me do my own thing

[Delila]

I told my wife when she moved in with me about 3 years before we were married. I just brought the subject up in conversation, there are not many things if anything that my wife and I dont openly discuss so I just said I like wearing womens clothes and she was like ok asked me what kind of clothes and took me shopping.

[Dayna]

Good Questions, Tamara...can I toss out another?

Question #3--If you had it to do over again, would you have told your wife / SO differently?

I had been dressing for more than 10yrs before getting married, and I did not tell her about it before hand. I 'introduced' my wife to my dressing by putting on her clothes and acting silly...after a while she told me to knock it off, but I realized I couldn't. She started asking lots of questions, I was able to offer very few answers, she would get mad at me for confusing her, I would get mad at her for not being more understanding, yah-dah, yah-dah, yah-dah. It has taken the two of us a long time to get to where we are today (she allows me my 'private' time, but has no desire to learn more, let alone participate in my crossdressing activities). Not exactly my ideal, but we learn to compromise.

As a twenty-something I wasn't ready to tell her before we got married--fear of losing her? Fear of her family / friends finding out? Guess we will never know... what I do know is that at 40+ I have become more comfortable with who I am, and I worry a little less about what strangers think.

Will my wife ever come to accept Dayna? Ask me again in 50yrs!

-d

PS: Would be interesting to know (honestly) from the wives: Would you still have married him?

[Kimberly]

2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?

When I came out to my SO (... we split up a few weeks later... not because of my CDing,) she handled it well... I was a wreck. I basically told her because of bedroom related stuff, and thought that things might get better if I told her... so I did - I splurted out everything I'd ever worn, thought I'd worn, or wished I could have worn throughout my entire life!! ... Acceptance followed, however - and we had a damn good cry over it. (I emphasise WE.)

So, overall.... handled it pretty good, don't ya think?? ... hehe.

[Sarahgurl371]

1. Didn't tell her, I guess I didn't know myself! Thought it would go away after marraige. Told her about lingerie about 6 years into marraige, figured I would ease her into the rest, that part hasn't worked as well as i hoped. I would not recommend this method.
2. We have talked at length about the subject. I have bought and read several books, she won't. Went to a marraige counselor, I went to a psychiatrist, she went to a counsler. Marraige not 100% even still. She is hurt and so am I. Don't know what the future holds, but at least I am not hiding anymore!

[Jocelyn Renee]

I did not tell my wife out of fear and because, at the time, my dressing was very sporadic, I was ashamed of it, and I figured I could overcome it. She discovered my secret about 7 years into our marriage and was immediately quite supportive. In fact, I'd say the discovery greatly improved our marriage. That was 7 years ago, and today we go out as girlfriends every Saturday.

My one regret in our marriage, is the fact I kept such as important part of me hidden from her all those years. If I had to do it over again, I would definitely come clean in the very beginning.

Hugs,
Jocelyn

[Mary Jane]

Like some of the others that have replied, when I started cross dressing there was no internet so I thought I was the only man in the world that wanted to wear women's clothes. I guess at that young age it was mostly for the sexual satisfaction I got from it. I just assumed after I got married that all these feelings would fade away. Well, you all know that was not going to happen. I told my wife when I saw the feelings were not going away. She did not handle it very well and even now refuses to discuss it in any way. She is tolerant and I dress when she is away from home. In February of 2000 I had my first FULL dressing session. SO, I had been married for 31 years before I was able to really see the person that had been inside of me for so long. It was like seeing a long lost friend.

Mary Jane

[Tamara Croft]

WOW! so many responses :D Thank you all for answering so far. It's nice to actually see so many of you have accepting partners and some took it so well, I hope that in time, this will be more common.

[Katrina]

I told my GF about 5 months after we started dating. I definately wanted to tell her long before our relationship progressed very far. I never told my ex-wife as she had said early on in our relationship that she would leave me if I crossdressed (we split for unrelated reasons). At the time, I thought I didn't need to do it any more anyways. My GF is ok with it although she still does not want to see me all dolled up with a wig and everything. She has seen me with makeup and clothes but no wig. Baby steps...

[Toyah]

Guess I told her fairly early. I never fully dressed then so introduced it as a bedroom game

[Holly]

1) When you met your partner/wife did you tell her straight away about your crossdressing. If you did, how did you tell her, if you didn't, why not?

I'm ashamed to admit that I did not tell HT in the beginning. My dressing was very sporadic at the time and I felt that I could "control" it. I devised many opportunitits to dress and was even successful in inlisting her help on many occasions. We met in the 60's and what little information that was available did not portray crossdressing in a positive light. I was frightened to death to tell her I liked doing it.

2) Did your partner/wife actually find out about your crossdressing? What did you do when your partner/wife found out and how have you coped with it?

I suspect that HT had her idea that I was a crossdresser. It was only after I came to terms with myself that had the courage to sit her down and tell her about the rest of me, the part I had hidden for 30+ years. I'm very fortunate to have such a loving and understanding wife. She's not one in a million; she's one of a kind and because of her security in who she is, I have the freedom to be who I am.