Why do you...........................

[sandra-leigh]

Oh, it's because lying well is great creative fun, and it doesn't get much better than lying successfully to someone who thinks they know you well. Everybody lies to everyone all the time, about everything: that's what everything in life is all about.

Oh, people say they want the truth, but really they want comforting lies. You don't see many people volunteering to investigate the only real truth in life, by putting their thumb on a rock and hitting it with a very big hammer.

Besides, she deserves it for all of the times she has left piles of shoes all over the stairs, waiting for an "accident" no doubt.

[Piora]

1. I don't have a SO.
2. If I did, I wouldn't lie. If I have to lie for her to respect me then the relationship won't work.

I don't either. Have an SO, I mean.

However, sometimes I lie to myself. Not about crossdressing, though. I already know about it, and I am very accepting of myself. :D

[Sandra]

I'd like to thank those who have replied and said why......

To those who have pointed out that I am a moderator and have a large post count am I not allowed to ask a question because of this?.....I asked a simple question, no malice behind it. I am a member here just like everyone else.

[Engendered]

I've never lied about it to anyone I've dated. It would currently be impossible and pointless to ever lie about it to anyone, just due to the level of outedness I have with my circle of friends and family. I don't believe anyone currently hiding it in a relationship should be too harshly judged, but I would plead with the singlies to be open about it early on with future relationships, if that's something you feel you can do.

[Anna Lorree]

I don't anymore. For a little over two years, I haven't had to bear that burden. That said, I did from August 1996 to September 2009. I am an amazing liar, which sucks. It is my least endearing quality. Unfortunately, I still have to maintain a lie outside of the house and even in front of my own children (my wife requires that, at least for now). I hate the lie, I just want to be able to be me and express both my male and female aspects openly, or be able to match my body and my mind. I don't really get to do either.

When I was keeping this from my wife, it was because I figured she would leave me over it. At that stage of the game I was mired in guilt and shame, I had not accepted that this is part of me and I can no more be rid of it than I can be rid of my right arm. I had not yet learned to deal with this side of me, how could I ask her to do so? Faulty reasoning, sure, but it's how my mind dealt with it.

Anna

[Jenniferathome]

I don't (any more). I have a freedom and calm now that I have not had in decades. And "don't ask, don't tell" is still lying. Still, I can absolutely understand why cross dressers do not tell. It is not for lack of wanting to, the fear of rejection is so great, it is nearly impossible to overcome.

[NicolaF]

Quite simple for me, its the fear of their reaction. I am not in a relationship at the moment but i never even once brought up the notion of it to my last girlfriend out of fear of how she would react, more so that she would tell my friends rather than actually break up with me.

I have one friend at the moment though that i really like and have kissed a few times who i have jokingly suggested to that i go as a girl for halloween ( though not really joking ) and she has really liked the idea and keeps encouraging me to do it.
And this has got me thinking that maybe it would be easier for a relationship to start with the idea of cross dressing immediately being addressed.
Though saying that i know i wont be brave enough to do that any time soon sadly..

[Philippa Jane]

Don't ask, don't tell is the way to go in this household.
If asked I will be truthful, but my SO really does not want to know any details.

PJ

[Yvonne York]

lie to your wife/partner about your cding?

I do not. Thankfully she is supportive.

[mspaulasue]

I really try not to. To a woman, not telling the truth is always worse than the truth itself. I told my beloved about myself on our third date 15 years ago. She ran from me as if I had the ebola virus, but 2 days later she wanted to talk to me about it and married me anyway. I hid it in one serious relationship and it eventually blew up in my face. I decided hiding my true nature wasn't fair to myself or to anyone interested in me.

[Aprilrain]

Ah honesty....I told my wife I crossdressed and she was not impressed ;said I should have kept it a secret.I can't lie worth a damn and it was eating me up inside bigtime.I certainly can understand her shock and disappointment and that makes me very sad;however we worked out an agreement that seems to work.
Yet when I had told her I was gay ,she accepted that with no problem.Do you think my dressing threatened her feminimity?
Paula.

I'm really confused here???????
If you're gay what is the point of a wife? Wouldn't you be happier with a boyfriend? Wouldn't she be happier with a husband who was sexually attracted to her? That sounds terrible!

[J'lyn GG]

I'm really confused here???????
If you're gay what is the point of a wife? Wouldn't you be happier with a boyfriend? Wouldn't she be happier with a husband who was sexually attracted to her? That sounds terrible!

I agree with Aprilrain. Seems awfully selfish for whomever is keeping the other in the marriage. (whether its her or you)

[cindybabe]

never a good idea to lie to your partner

[Beth Wilde]

I'm dating another crossdresser! No need to lie

[Sarah Doepner]

I never have, unless you consider not volunteering that information early on as a lie. Once it was obvious the cat would be out of the bag, I confessed fully and have been honest with her since. When it was something I did that she was unaware of I didn't share it because it didn't seem to be having an impact on our relationship or family life. It probably did, but that was my perception at the time. There were times when I thought I would share it with her but compared to all the other stresses and problems we were facing, it was information that would only divert attention away from other pressing issues. It could easily be I had built a rationalization that had me being very considerate of her and her needs, or maybe I was actually being considerate. It depends on your perspective. There were many moments where sharing this would have reduced the stability of our marriage rather than made it stronger. Since we are still together and it's a non-issue in our world, I'd like to believe my choices were the right ones. But without going back and doing things differently to see how it turns out, I'll never know.

[Eryn]

At the moment I don't lie. I don't intend to do so in the future either.

I didn't tell her through most of our marriage. I didn't understand myself very well, wasn't dressing fully, but I knew enough about my "interests" to know that society considered them perverse. Since I didn't know better I adopted that attitude myself. I sincerely hoped that it would go away with marriage, but of course it didn't.

What does one then do, go to one's wife and say "Hi Dear, hope you had a nice day at work today. By the way, I just realized that I have a minor perversion..."? Nope, to maintain marital harmony one keeps one's mouth shut. There are probably a number of things of the same level of import that wives decide not to share with their husbands as well.

Eventually both my knowledge and interest in CDing grew and I came to the realization that not telling her was causing stress in our marriage. We had "the talk" and I was lucky. She believed in our marriage, understood that everyone experiences changes as they go through life, and decided to help me with my self-discovery. I certainly wasn't "the man she married" but I wouldn't have remained static over the years even if I wasn't a CDer.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I am another who kept the secret to myself for far too long........nearly 10 years. I was in total denial to myself and didn't understand a damn thing about it, so the secret was kept. I was totally inequipped to answer any questions until I joined here and got one heck of an education. I Fear of ridicule and rejection was up there as well. I didn't (and still don't) think I lied. I certainly deceived though.

If only I knew then what I know now. Anyway, for the past few years I have been and will continue to be totally open and honest. I never initiate a conversation though, always wait until the wife needs to ask something.

Tash

[ztockingz]

I don´t lie. I used to lie, but not anymore. It´s much better feeling when I share my passion with her.

[erickka]

I don't. She knoes, disapproves, I keep it to myself , and she is fine.

[LaurenB]

I really dislike this topic. To dichotomise (sp?) this subject into lie or not-lie is to trivialize a very complex and personal issue.

I don't consider it a lie. It's something that is still part of my inner life that I'm not comfortable sharing yet...even with my wife. That being said, I'm not cheating on my wife (nor have I ever); I'm not forgoing any of my vows and I'm not neglecting her needs in any way. We spend quite a bit of time together - probably more than most couples. She knows I have a very female side. She has a very male side. To the extent that there were probably relationships with or desires for women in her past that I sense but do not know about for sure. But that's her personal world. It doesn't affect me or our relationship. If and when she chooses to tell me that's fine. I'll love her just as much if not more. In a way it gives me something to look forward to - that is when we arrive at yet another level of intimacy. Still peeling back the onion after 20+ years.

And for that matter - while I'm on a rant - why does every single detail of ones life have to be out in the open, on day one for your SO, family and everyone else to peruse? Everyone wonders why men especially are afraid to commit to relationships. Could it be that in our crazy in-your-face media and networked centric world where everyone knows everything about you that some gifts are best left to be unwrapped later on...

[Joanna41]

In my relationship with Hope...there is no need to lie about anything. She has always been fully involved and Joanna has never been a hidden part of our relationship.

Joanna

[Vickie_CDTV]

I have never lied, the (very) few women I have been involved with all knew before we went from friends to a relationship (granted, my relationships are quite unusual.)

If I were to lie (which I wouldn't) my motivation would be fear of rejection and being lonely and unloved. Transvestism is not something the vast, vast majority of women ever seek out or desire in a partner and the odds of immediate rejection (before getting to really know the person outside of the crossdressing) are high. Some may figure it is better to lie and have someone to love and be intimate with than be honest and lonely. Others may lie for other reasons, but for me, and perhaps others as well, loneliness and the desire to be loved may play a big role.

...Now that said I believe, at the risk possible of being torn to pieces by others, I agree with the GGs; their partner still has an obligation to be honest. The desire to have a partner does not trump the woman's right to know what she is getting into and make an informed decision for herself (especially before marriage, and definitely before having children.)

[kimdl93]

I don't. But I'm waiting to hear an answer that I think is at the heart of it for many of us: "I am afraid that my SO will reject me if she finds out that I'm a cross dresser."

[Joanne f]

My wife was aware that i wear feminine underwear before we were married but i will admit that i did not say anything about the liking of wearing any other clothes although it was mainly skirts at that time , i suppose you think to your self that you have this odd liking of certain cloths and you feel that your wife may not understand yet at the same time i did not understand it that much myself just that it was something i enjoyed doing but realised that society would frown upon it so therefore so would my wife .
I think males brains are wired up differently from females as we do not see it as lying in the same way as a female would we see it more as self protection from being ridiculed or shunned by the very person that you want to admire you so i find it a bit harsh when i hear the word "Lying" although i expect there are some who deliberately lie for lying sake.
Yes it is still deceiving your wife/SO if you do not tell or share your other self but it is still unsafe for some to do that and it would be lovely to think it was not and that is one of the main reasons i find the word Lying a bit harsh but i do understand the context in what you have said it in .

[J'lyn GG]

Example one. May is married to Dave. Dave is deployed overseas. Dave calls May. How are things going? She shopped, cleaned, talked on the phone, went to the movies. What she didn't say was that she shopped with Bob, cleaned b/c Bob was coming over, talked to Bob on the phone, went to the movies with Bob. Dave doesn't ask, so she isn't lying. Bull. She lied. She deceived.

Example two. Johnny went to a halloween party. Came home by curfew and parents ask how was the party? Johnny says it was cool, we had freaky looking food, danced, threw candy at each other. It was fun, he would like to do it next year. What he doesn't say was that they had shots of tequila. His parents didn't ask, so he didn't lie. Again, bull. He lied and deceived.

Example 3. Susie and Ted are dating and so in love. They have talked about their past, their likes and dislikes, their dreams and goals, their religious and political beliefs, their future. Ted doesn't say, I think I better tell you this. I like to wear women's clothes. I don't know why. I know I'm not gay and that I love you with my whole heart. I hope you can find it in your heart to still marry me and we can learn about this together. He lied, he deceived. On purpose.

I understand the concept behind the deception, really, I do, but I am really getting tired of hearing, well, I didn't LIE. I just didn't tell. Its not the same. It IS the same. You deceived your wife to protect yourself. Fine. Who is protecting your wife? The woman you love above all else? She thought you were, but now she finds out, you weren't. Doesn't your SO have the right to make life choices with ALL the pertinent information? And this IS pertinent.

You lied. Admit it and spend your time making up for the deception and lies, instead of trying to say, 'well, I didn't REALLY lie.'