Bit of serious stuff ....

[ReineD]

There are several components to gender:

1. Your biological reality (chromosomes, primary & secondary sexual characteristics)
2. Your gender identity (who you feel you are internally, even if it is a mix of the two)
3. Your preferred gender role (personality, appearance, and behavioral characteristics that are designated as masculine or feminine in your culture)

4. And loosely related, your sexual preference (same sex, opposite sex, both, or neither)

For most people, the first three components match in addition to being opposite sex attracted (but not necessarily ).

The first three components don't exactly match to varying degrees for people in this community.

Therefore, if you honor the second component (your internal gender identity) by dressing, then you are not pretending. You are presenting the way you feel you are inside (even if it fluctuates). If this does not match your biological reality (either sometimes or all the time) then you can choose to look at it one of two ways:

1. You are pretending if you call yourself a natal female (this is the way I take it that you mean)

2. Or, you can choose to identify as a crossdresser or a transwoman in which case you won't be pretending because you won't be calling yourself a natal female. This, I believe, is a more accurate way of looking at it.

Caveat: there are transwomen who cannot have SRS, yet they live and breathe full time as women just like the post-ops. In my view, these individuals deserve to call themselves women, and they are not pretending. The matter of non-matching chromosomes becomes a technical detail that the world does not need to know about (except of course their romantic partners).

[Rianna Humble]

We don't menstruate, fall pregnant or give birth. So we are just pretending.

Thoughts?

Hi Angela, bit of a thorny one so close to Xmas, but unlike some I will not criticise you for raising the question.

Your first reply mentioned cisgendered women who cannot do those things through no fault of their own and I would like to echo the point that your slightly over-simplistic statement would do them the injustice of classing them as "pretending" to be women.

Julia has made another valid point about someone who is intersex, but lives as a woman. They are no more pretending than a cisgendered woman who through no fault of her own cannot conceive.

If you are an MtF cross-dresser then your dressing expresses part of your character. The oft-expressed desire to "pass" in public should not be confused with a desire to pretend to someone that you were born female. In my opinion, the goal of "passing" for a cross-dresser is to be accepted by the public rather than to con someone about who you are.

It is slightly more complicated for us MtF transsexuals because we want to be seen as the woman that we should always have been and for us, the pretence was when we tried to conform to what our bodies made us appear to be. I now look on the times that I dressed as a man as being both cross-dressing and pretending because I was trying to make other people believe something that was not true about myself.

I think that this is similar to the point made by Babeba about not denying what makes you who you are, you will never be the same as a Genetic Girl in that you will forever have your past as a transgender person and that will have helped to form your character, but to me this is again different from saying that you are just pretending.

There is a very wide spectrum of gender identity which is not limited to 100% male or 100% female. my guess is that you are presently trying to work out where you fit in that spectrum.

[IamSara]

No pretending here. I am who I am, being a CD/TG is part of me. I spent many years trying to hide it from myself and everyone in my family. No more, I don't dress in front of anyone except my wife but they know. So nope no pretending here. Sometimes I wish it was that would make it so easy to explain.

[Paula_56]

A woman isn't a life support system for a vagina and womb

[lady di]

i am girly boy who likes dressing as girl i am not pretending that is who i am and i love being a sissy............................................. ...................di

[Marlana]

Karen, You crack me up!! Thank's! 😜

[NicoleScott]

I pretended to have a baby.... After I ate a mess of mexican food!! Damn babys smell!! Lol.

Update:
It was gas. Karren named her Ethyl.

[TGMarla]

If you want to define this whole thing as "pretending", fine. One could make that argument. But I feel like there's a whole lot more to it than simple pretending. When I was small, like all of us, I often pretended to be things I was not. But none of that held the deep-seeded want and need that crossdressing brings to the table. Little girls (and some boys) pretend to have tea parties. It's a fun little diversion that involves some imagination. Kids alway pretend like they're adults. But they're most often happy to remain kids for the time being. For me, this is more that I need to experience what life would have been like for me had I been born in the other gender. A part of me deeply wishes I'd had that privilege. It demands that I spend some of my time existing that way. None of the pretend games I played as a child, moving dirt with my way cool Tonka trucks, playing baseball imagining we were all big-leaguers, and building secret forts to "spy" on people, implanted themselves into my subconcious like this has. I had no real need to actually drive frontloaders, play professional baseball, or join the CIA. But for a long time, I really did wrestle with transgender feelings, and longed to be the woman I was not.

So to me, it's more than simple pretending. Yet, it is still only pretending in a sense, because I'm masquerading as someone I'm not. Or am I? I'm a crossdresser with an alter ego that I named "Marla", so when I'm all dressed up, I'm actually only being someone that is a part of who I am. So maybe this isn't pretending. It's manifesting.

[Badtranny]

This is a loaded question and the responses are typical but I can't help but notice a couple of things.
1. This is in the CD forum
2. Many CD's do in fact pretend a hell of a lot
3. Is there something wrong with pretending?

Personally I think pretending is the right and domain of a crossdresser. Do YOU pretend? Well be honest.
-Are you a CD that wears breast forms? Is that not pretending to have breasts?
-Do you wear a bra without forms? I will never understand why someone with nothing to support would wear a bra. How could that be called anything other than pretending?
-Do you sit down to pee, at home so you can "feel" more feminine? Isn't that pretending you don't have a penis?
-Do you talk or walk with exaggerated feminine gestures?
-Do you pretend to have a girls name?

There is soooooo much pretending involved in crossdressing that I'm shocked at the offense being taken. Now obviously I'm not including ALL CDs because they're not all the same but at least half of the CD population here has written something describing some kind of pretending. Some pretend more than others but there is certainly an element of pretension inherent in cross dressing, I don't think this is even arguable. I have a very close FtM CD friend who "packs" and uses fake facial hair sometimes. How can this not be considered pretending?

The question is; who cares and why deny it?

[Jonianne]

.....The question is; who cares and why deny it?

When asked my thoughts by the OP, I think it's the broad stroke that is painted of us all, that bothers me.

For all the years we did in fact pretend to NOT be cd or tg, I think it's understandable to be a little offended when it is declared we all are still considered pretenders. Especially when we have gone through so much anguish in denying, to get to the point of being able to be open with others in our lives, that we, as males, like to identify with females.

We don't pretend to be crossdressers, we are crossdressers.

To answer a few of your questions, no, I do not wear forms. No, I do not wear or have ever owned a bra. I do use the name Joni, but it is pronounced the same as Johnny, my real name, so I guess you might say I'm pretending there, depending if I am writing it or saying it.

Sure, everyone pretends some things in their lives, but it's what we own up to, that takes us from the world of pretending into the world of being real.

[ReineD]

1. This is in the CD forum
2. Many CD's do in fact pretend a hell of a lot
3. Is there something wrong with pretending?

Melissa, you know there is a huge spectrum among the CDers, from fetish dressers to identity dressers for whom this is more than fantasy dress-up. But, just because someone falls outside the full male/female binary doesn't mean they pretend. Some CDers actually do have opposite sex gender identification while also experiencing male identification. The male/female live side by side internally to varying and fluctuating degrees and this is why wearing the forms helps to bring them relief. These CDers are not wearing forms to pretend that they identify with a feminine gender, just because they are not willing to have breast implants or take HRT.

So we go back to my explanation in post #27. If the dressing (and the forms) help to bring someone in line with their gender identification even if this fluctuates, they are not pretending. They know they are wearing breast forms.

[Diana Bain]

"Pretend : to give a false appearance of being, possessing, or performing... to make believe." An hour to put on makeup and get dressed over and over again. When I look in the mirror, I'm Diana (my subconscious told me.)

[Kristy_K]

I pretended for years when I was trying to be a male. That was a true pretending for me. Since I have transition I don't have to pretend any more or lie about me. All I have to do now is just be me.


Dare to be yourself, it is a lot of fun.

[Badtranny]

Reine, you know that I know that there are many stripes of TG people and that I have real life CD friends that I adore, so I am in no way coloring the whole of the CD community with my pretend paint brush. ;-)

Having said that, let's not pretend that there's not a whole lot of pretending going on around here. I mean come on, "I'm having mood swings", "I'm having male PMS", "I like to pretend I'm a woman during sex", "I like people to call me she even if they read me", "my fem side likes to dance", my fem side likes to cook and clean", "my fem side speaks with an accent", and on and on. Let's please not act like we don't read this stuff over and over. This is the truth.

There's just nothing wrong with it, that's all. Grown men spend crazy amounts of time playing in fantasy sports leagues, pretending to be owners or managers or whatever and some men pretend to be women, or sissies, or babies, or animals. Many BDSM practitioners literally pretend to be bound, when everyone knows they are one safe word away from being free. Pretending is an integral part of play and no rational person can argue that crossdressing isn't a form of adult play.

Now, owing to the quick to get offended nature of internet forums, I need to state again that there are plenty of CD's for whom this does not apply. Some men truly identify as something "other" and their cross dressing is an expression of something deeper than play. Based on the thousands of posts I've read in the last 3 years, these people are in the minority.

To Kristy and my other TS friends, this pretending discussion doesn't apply. The OP addressed CD'rs specifically and besides, TS people don't pretend. They live out in the wide open world and the only pretending I do, is pretend to be an executive at work. If someone would like to challenge my assessment that TS people live authentic rather than pretend lives, I would be happy to do that in another thread.

[ReineD]

Reine, you know that I know that there are many stripes of TG people and that I have real life CD friends that I adore, so I am in no way coloring the whole of the CD community with my pretend paint brush. ;-)

WELL! You know that I know that you know that I know .... lol.

Seriously, I misunderstood. You did say "many" and I missed that part. I agree that for some (or many?), the kick comes from pretending to be a woman, and I'm sure they'll be the first to tell you they're not ashamed of it. And I aggree with the mood swing and PMS nonsense. The term for males is "IMS". However, for some people the divided personality traits I think comes from having deeply repressed a feminine ID for a long time and having had to build thick walls in order to protect her (even if the ID is partial), while for others, it is a kick to be "femmy" for a day.

But in terms of using female pronouns, then this is not pretending (for some. It may well be for others). My SO hates to be referred to as a "he" when she is dressed, and I don't blame her, which brings us back to non-binary-gender. Some crossdressers are bigender or dualgender.

Some men truly identify as something "other" and their cross dressing is an expression of something deeper than play. Based on the thousands of posts I've read in the last 3 years, these people are in the minority.

I suppose we are free to interpret this forum as we will. There's no real way to measure anything. But it's my impression there is more than a minority of identity crossdressers. I base this on real people that I've met as well, not just posts here. So maybe we can agree on 50/50.

[Beverley Sims]

Update:
It was gas. Karren named her Ethyl.

Now Now! Nicole That's too Subtle. Where do I send a bunch of flowers.
Psst. I like it.

[Kaz]

Hi Angela,

Welcome to the forum. As you will now realise this is one of those no doubt innocently written posts that manages to spark off a lot of controversy! It is all about the word 'pretend'. I support most of the posts here, but would like to make my point as it may help your understanding.

Some years ago after a lot of not understanding and even denying my real self, I finally accepted who I am and I am trying to learn more about me and to embrace my 'gifts'. So am I pretending to be me (now)? No... am I pretending to be Kaz? No.. Kaz is the female name I use to describe the part of me that desires to sometimes present as female in order to express this part of me. I find that has helped me enormously to come to terms with it all. Am I pretending to be a woman when I dress up like one? Am I pretending that Kaz is a woman?

Well, you could say yes to this. Kaz is not a real woman. Kaz is the expressed feminine side of a genetic male with (to my knowledge) no female anatomy/physiology (though I am not sure about the hormone balance). Do I pass myself off as a woman to others? i.e. do I pretend in this way? Well... on occasions I have been out fully dressed I have indeed tried to look as much like a woman as I can do with the aim of being accepted visually so that I am free to go about my business without feeling embarrassed and threatened. In other words, I just want to be able to experience wearing the clothes and feeling like Kaz in public. I post pictures here to get feedback on how I look and to help/inspire others if I get it right.

However, I have yet to pro-actively interact with anyone else as Kaz and have in that way never 'pretended' to be anything other than who I am. Were that to happen, I would be faced with an interesting challenge/dilemma. I have on occasions whilst being out had to respond to someone, but have tried to do so whilst maintaining the 'illusion'. Again, as Reine has mentioned, this has been to be able to continue uninterrupted and so as not to cause any issues. BUT... were I to find myself in a position where I had to 'fess up'... I would - in which case I loads of advice from the people here on how to maybe make that work OK.

Do I pretend to myself? No... I know who I am now and OK I fantasise about being a real woman at times but I am not fooling myself and have no desire to do so (although I may be fooling myself thinking I pass in public!). But am I pretending to be a woman in order to release and understand more of Kaz's/my feelings about this? Then I guess I am. Am I questioning my gender status? Always!

There are some here who are out and about in the real world, happy to live their lives as who they really are and being open and honest about it. I know some crossdressers in real life who are out, look like men in women's clothes and make-up and are open about it.. even using their male names rather than inventing a pseudnym. I know them well and they have my absolute respect, as do all the people on this site who are 'out'. I am not... so maybe I am pretending?

I choose to think that I am only pretending to myself, but only in order to better understand me. I do not pretend about who I am... I am actively trying to learn about who I am... and that is very different!

On this site, I do not pretend about anything... (well, at least not intentionally and accepting a certain 'fun margin'!). That is why I am here... This is a fantastic diverse bunch of people that it is a true joy to be able to interact with... do we all pretend?

[Raychel Torn]

Some of us are in different categories but as for me, I am not pretending to be a women, I am trying to be me, maybe for the first time.

[Cheryl T]

We don't menstruate, fall pregnant or give birth. So we are just pretending.

Thoughts?

In your theory then a woman who is barren and unable to conceive is just pretending??
An athlete who because of her training does not menstruate is just pretending??
A woman who cannot carry a fetus to full term is just pretending??

Sounds very pretentious.

[ReineD]

In your theory then a woman who is barren and unable to conceive is just pretending??
An athlete who because of her training does not menstruate is just pretending??
A woman who cannot carry a fetus to full term is just pretending??

Sounds very pretentious.

Honestly, I think the OP's question is deeper than that. I'm reading between the lines here, but I take it the OP is questioning some inner changes. Perhaps he's moving from one phase to another and is wanting to reject it.

Of course, I could be wrong.

[Jorja]

Pretending? Yes, I pretend every day. I pretend that one day soon Scotty will get that da**ed transporter fixed and get me the he** out of here. I pretend that my banking account really has some money left in it. I pretend that a size 0 really will fit me. As for pretending I am a girl..... not a chance. It's real, it's da**ed real.

[Domenick]

But what each of us want is different.
Just sayin

[Kathy Smith]

Who the hell said anything about pretending?
I have no illusions of being a girl, and honestly, I am thankful I am not - From my POV, they have plenty of shit to deal with.
Im happy to just feel femme for a day, or is there a new rule I have to pretend now too?

I like the clothes, not the fantasy. It may be different from a TG/TS POV but from my CD view, no thanks
If the dress fits...

I couldn't agree more. How dare you read my mind? ;-)

"Pretending" was an unfortunate choice, Angela. Once you've been around here a bit longer you'll realise why. You'll also discover that there are a lot of reasons why some people dress in clothes of the opposite gender from what is considered "normal" in general society.

[Claire Cook]

Hmmm . as usual I'm confused. Menopausal women don't have periods, don't get pregnant. Women with mastectomies wear breast prostheses. Maybe I'm pretending that I'm a menopausal breast cancer survivor? Seriously, I'm me. When I'm out and about, I guess the only time I'm "pretending" is when I use the ladies' room, and that to me is a matter of convenience and comfort. Otherwise, if someone treats me as a woman, that's great, or as a guy in women's clothes, that's OK.

[Badtranny]

I suppose we are free to interpret this forum as we will. There's no real way to measure anything. But it's my impression there is more than a minority of identity crossdressers. I base this on real people that I've met as well, not just posts here. So maybe we can agree on 50/50.

Okay, point taken. (you are very good at forcing perspective) I have to admit that MOST of the CDs I know personally are well adjusted people who just happen to enjoy expressing themselves that way. I wouldn't say they were pretending at all, but these people aren't really a valid sampling of CD's because they are out for the most part, and I think the overwhelming majority of CD's are closeted or only out to wives and girlfriends.

If I am willing to agree that 50% of the CD's on this board are actually "identity" types, (and I think that's a stretch) can you agree that the other half are pretending and play acting? I mean really, the fact that we're even arguing about this is kinda bizarre.

In regard to the pronoun thing, it would be nice if everyone was politically correct, but I feel like people will respond to my presentation and I will just keep pushing until there is no doubt in their mind that I am female. Sure it's disconcerting to be read, I recently had a bit of a breakdown due to that very thing, but it is what it is. I'm not going to pretend that people see a woman when they don't, someday, it will be behind me. Until then, every failure is just another stone in the foundation of my success.