Sisters' comments are hurtful

[Katelyn B]

Well, it appears in my short time hear the only time I start a post is to rant about something, and this is no different.

Anyway, Christmas day I'm at my parents house (staying for the week since it's traditional the family gathers at this time of year) along with my sister and her husband. We're doing the exchange of gifts and when I hand my sister her gift she notices my nails, which are quite long and (I think) rather pretty. Since my family don't know about Katelyn I'm in guy mode for the week.

Well, she loudly explains that my talons are creepy. I don't know why she just noticed as they've been like this for at least two years, and she hasn't noticed that my arms are completely hairless and my eybrows are in far too neat a condition for an adverage man.

Anyway, over christmas dinner she continues to go on about how they make me look girly and creepy and weird etc.

This was quite hurtful and another setback in my dream of ever comming out to my fmaily and also a little upsetting because whilst I could understand girly and possible funny, creepy makes her feelings quite clear, that she considers men with long nails as unacceptable in (what is her view) normal society.

To keep the peace I didn't say anything about it (though I did mention it in another thread hear).

Well, tonight, she and her husband came over to my parents for dinner and to play a game (Dominion, really excellent game by the way).

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations.

Of course, once again I find this to be hurtful but the level hse has taken it to makes wonder if

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it


Grrrrrrrrrrrr


Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I'll be seeing her oce more before I leave and am tempted to take her aside and have a quite word, but am not sure how far to go with what I say.

I would love to come out to her, but don't want to if she isn't gong to accpet me, and from her comments i don't hold out much hope of that at the moment

Thanks for letting me rant

/Katie

XXX

[Stephenie S]

Do I have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Yeah, a couple.

You need to "come out" to her. She hasn't a clue what's going on and you, having not said a word to her, are guessing what she is thinking? Doesn't that seem a bit F'ed up to you? You won't tell her what's going on and now you are trying to guess what SHE'S thinking about you.

Either tell her and get it out in the open or stop trying to figure out what she is thinking about something she knows nothing about. Talk about the blind leading the blind, here.

If she has always been kind and supportive, then give her the benefit of the doubt and have that little talk. You don't have to get into it too deeply. I dunno. Tell her you are "exploring your feminine side", or some other innocuous tidbit, and leave it at that.

S

[DanaR]

Until this situation, how has your relationship with her gone? Do you always fight or bicker? If you are always bickering, then maybe this is just her. If you normally get along okay, there might be something going on in her life that she is struggling with. I think that maybe a talk with her is in order. Ask her and tell her how you felt.

It might not be time to tell her though.

[kimdl93]

I don't know about your relationship with your sister - but siblings sometimes revert to almost childish behavir when they're together with their family of origin. Did your sister needle you as a child...if so, this might be a continuation of that behavior.

Outside the dynamic of the nuclear family, she may behave differently.

Now, my thought is that if you want to remain in the closet, you will be having a problem with telltale nails and brows. If you want to come out, then I'd talk to her. I wouldn't just try to pull her aside for a brief word - make a lunch date with her - someplace and time where you'll have time to talk things over. And prepare well in advance to address all of those silly stereotypical ideas.

[Christinedreamer]

ANY reference to being a "kiddie fiddler" would have garnered a rather pointed response from me. Some things are NEVER OK to even joke about and that is one. Just tell her to quit beating around the bush and say what is on her mind. Correct any misconnceptions she has and failing that, I would tell her to mind her own business.

[suchacutie]

You might try, "so what's your issue?"

or, "I just don't understand what your problem is"

or, "they've been this way for such a long time and you only notice now?"

The key here is to turn it back on her in some way, and then let her off the hook. I'm also interested that you haven't mentioned that anyone else has said anything. Are they embarassed at her rudeness? Depending upon your situation you could also say, "are you always this rude or am I just special"...then smile!

tina

[whowhatwhen]

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words).

I would call her out on that, not only is it hurtful in the worst way I would imagine it to be insulting to victims of child abuse. (on principal, not directed at anyone)
Just tell her it's not 1950 and that you like your nails and that's all that matters.

[Annie D]

Merry Christmas and I'm happy for you that you get to spend some time with your family. There is some obvious competition going on between your sister and you for your parent's attention. I think because you are spending the holidays living at your parent's that she feels somehow cheated during the holidays. I know that it doesn't seem like it but I think that there might be some jealousness it her harsh observations and the fact that she has brought it to everyone's attention several times is a good indication that she is doing everything she can to get under your skin. Unless your parents are totally blind, they are aware of the condition of your nails and although you don't say anything about their feelings, I can only assume that they are on board with you and your fashion style. It might be the time to ask your mom what she thinks about your nails and anything else you feel like asking. Have a safe holiday and a great New Year.

[KellyJameson]

Scary that she would accuse you of having the potential to sexually harm a child if I understand your wording of "kiddie fillder", that is a very serious and dangerous accusation. Anyone who casually can make this accusation even in a joking manner seems to be incapable of empathy and compassion and in my opinion not worthy of your consideration. In my opinion you are a victim of emotional abuse by your sister. Sorry to be so forceful in my wording I know it is none of my business but this type of cruelty enrages me.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Tell her loudly (in front of everyone so they hear it) that if she makes another comment equating you to a child molester you are going to pack your things and leave (and do so if she does it again.) Turn the negative attention back at her where it belongs. (eg. "Your big mouth made your brother leave! How dare you!")
Next year, tell your parents you will not come and stay a week for Christmas if she is there (stay a day or afternoon instead.)

She does not have to like your long nails, but the comment about being a child molester is WAY WAY below the belt (especially if she said it in front of others) and I would not tolerate it.

[SandraAbsent]

If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance.

Acceptance comes from understanding. I agree with what has been said here in that trying to guess what each other is thinking is the blind leading the blind. The very first family member I came out to was my sister. She had already questioned things like why I groom my brows, why I shaved my legs, and so on. I had fear beyond fear, but was forced into the situation when I needed her to tend to my house while I was in the hospital. A house that at this point was covered with girl stuff What was her reaction? "Mehhh no big deal, my best friends dad is fully transitioned and is now Eddie instead of Ed." Needless to say, all my fears were unfounded, you just never know. What I was good at doing, was explaining to her the "Why?" So that she understood that it wasn't just a fetish or fling. This is how I have approached everyone I have come out to and forward. I now live full time with the exception of work, and as of January 3rd, I will be out at work. This has been my biggest challenge yet and has involved not only coming out to my co-workers, but also every single one of my 40-50 clients. My approach has stayed consistent. The lesson I have learned each step of the way is that you cant just out yourself, it has to be planned and well thought out based on the individual relationships you have with each person involved.

Even with all of this, I still face my challenges. The same sister that has been supportive all the way for me told me this weekend that her and her husband agreed that me coming to there house as a woman would be too much for them to have to explain to their children and had the gall to ask me to "de-gender" myself if I was coming over. Then in further discussion about using my new name while in public, her response was to criticize my fashion, hair, and even the fact that my name wasn't "hip" enough. I was hurt beyond imagination by this as it was coming from someone who had earlier this summer told me, "You do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and I will support you 100%." Obviously we needed to have another "understanding" talk. I revealed to her things that I had not in the past discussions. Things like I was so depressed as a child that I was a cutter, the fact that on two occasions in my life I downed a bottle of Tylenol, and on one occasion held a gun to my head. I further explained that this depression was a result of trying to repress what was going on in me. This depression also led to 20 years of heavy drinking and bad life decision, all of which led to 3 heart attacks in the last 5 years and I haven't even reached 40 yet. I further explained that after my last heart attack, I checked myself out of the emergency room because the pain was gone and dying made more sense that not being able to live my life the way I am supposed to live it...as a woman. We now share an even deeper understanding on this issue. The result is compromise. I agreed for the short term to at least come to her house in a "gender neutral state," while she agreed that she needs to start preparing herself, her husband, and her children with the fact that if they want me in there life they will have to come up with a plan on how to handle this with the very young and impressionable children, who after a few years will probably forget all about the fact that their aunt used to be an uncle. The important lesson here is that I could have gone off all 1/2 cocked about all this, and believe me the temptation was there, but the outcome would have not been nearly as productive towards my eventual goal of 100% acceptance by this part of my family.

Conclusion? If you want to come out to you're sister do so, but do it with a plan and be prepared for the fact that it may not go your way initially. If you plan it correctly though, and leave it open for discussion that leads to understanding, she may just go from being creeped out that her brother has better nails than hers to an understanding that underneath everything she actually has a new sister!

[Miranda-E]

Any thoughts about how I should handle this?

/Katie

XXX

i'd have told her right there at the table what the situation was and dealing with it is her problem and I'd heard enough from her.

[DonnaT]

If she mentions them again, then respond with, "When are you going to grow up into a mature adult? You've been ragging on me about my nails since Christmas, and I'm tired of it! I don't tell you how to live your life, so stay out of mine!"

Then turn and walk away. And unless she apologizes, ignore everything she says, don't respond, and don't acknowledge her presence the rest of the day.

Definitely don't come out to her, unless you want to come out to everyone in the family and everyone she knows.

[Alberta_Pat]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.

[sandra-leigh]

I wouldn't tell her a thing, certainly not at this time. She is upset (for whatever reason), and she is not going to receive the information calmly and it seems unlikely that it would improve her current badly distorted impression of you.

But then I am not afraid of a bit of confrontation even with my family. I don't need it very often at all, but it is a tool not to be discarded.

[Leeiah]

I think she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings of any realization she may have picked up or not. My question is if you do tell her will it be alot easier or alot worse then it was.

[larry]

Sorry but I am fed up with all the Political Correctness going on in this world.. She is a "B" .
You best bite your tongue and escape as soon as you can.

[Johnnifer]

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it

I'd say it is likely C and D with maybe some A mixed in.

When I was a kid up through college I used to have a very idealized view of women. My teasing in highschool and harassment (verbal, sexual, and physical in that order) I faced were due to not only being nerdy and socially inept but on not being manly enough. Being called gay, girly, etc. and harrassed for it. Also my dad got on my case and insulted me a bit for not being manly enough, and most of my harrassers in high school were male. Between that and some of the stuff being said during the PC movement that ended up not being true (women wanting a soft emotional man in touch with his feminine side) I made the mistake of thinking GIRLS GOOD! GUYS BAD! I envied their freedom to be soft and emotional and feminine.

I was this way until second questioning when I outed myself to the two closest women in my life. My mom, and a tomboyish girl who was a close friend of mine. Both freaked out and it hurt.

Since then I have find it much safer to discuss my feelings with men than women. With men it is easy, discuss something political like gay rights or TG's striving for insurance coverage. If the man in any way shape of form gets defensive or says "Not that I am that way" he is prejudice. Otherwise he is safe.

Women on the other hand can act perfectly supportive then freak out on you. I am not entirely sure why but I have a few ideas on why. Note these are just my theories, I haven't dared ask genetic women on them. If any of the GG girls want to comment or correct these I'd appreciate it as it sure will be better knowing the truth than guessing.

1. Sexuality/gender/fetish is bad to women: Alot of women grow up with a "Lifetime movie of the week" view that anything odd sexually or gender (as strait society sees TG as gay) wise it is bad and will hurt them. I notice alot of girls are fine with men seeing their bodies as attractive but see anything fetishy as instantly gross and a turn off. Since Tg is considered fetishy by some it is associated with this. Odd as fetishes are not uncommon in genetic men, in part because male society stomps on emotions and many men seek emotional release on their issues through sexual fantasies and they become imprinted on them. Just look at the topic of anything fetishy coming up in a mixed crowd, men will say it is hot often (even if only as a joke) and women will show disgust. The world of women is one of wanting a handsome prince to adore them, and wanting a guy whose arousal is only linked to her body. Any deviation from that real or imagined (such as associating CDing with gay or fetish) is seen as a threat and danger. Just like in the Lifetime movies.

2. They want a manly guy: women are attracted to men for their masulinity. So any deviation is seen as gross to them.

3. Many women sees GLBT issues as a threat to families and women are more likely to support family values.

Not sure how true any of my guesses are, maybe the GG girls here can give me enlightenment.

Not that the Michigan Womens Music Festival was notorious for being prejudice to transgenders. Women are not NICE (though many individuals can be).

In my experience it is MUCH safer to discuss my issues with men than women and close minded men are easier to weed out.

[Lorileah]

Don't tell her a thing. Just tell her to stop being so damned rude. It's none of her business.

There ya go. Ain't nobody's business but your own. Maybe you could tell her, her mustache makes her look very manly. OK no, don't sink to her level. But truthfully, if she doesn't like how it looks, tell her she has made her point, move on and that how you like your nails manicured does not really matter to her. Then take all her pieces from the game board and throw them across the room. OK again, don't do that.

[Cynthia Anne]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.

What Alberta has said here may sound far fetched but the possiblity of this being the case is VERY REAL! Do your part and comfront her before it's too late! Hugs!

[Jamie2]

Well, it appears in my short time hear the only time I start a post is to rant about something, and this is no different.

Anyway, Christmas day I'm at my parents house (staying for the week since it's traditional the family gathers at this time of year) along with my sister and her husband. We're doing the exchange of gifts and when I hand my sister her gift she notices my nails, which are quite long and (I think) rather pretty. Since my family don't know about Katelyn I'm in guy mode for the week.

Well, she loudly explains that my talons are creepy. I don't know why she just noticed as they've been like this for at least two years, and she hasn't noticed that my arms are completely hairless and my eybrows are in far too neat a condition for an adverage man.

Anyway, over christmas dinner she continues to go on about how they make me look girly and creepy and weird etc.

This was quite hurtful and another setback in my dream of ever comming out to my fmaily and also a little upsetting because whilst I could understand girly and possible funny, creepy makes her feelings quite clear, that she considers men with long nails as unacceptable in (what is her view) normal society.

To keep the peace I didn't say anything about it (though I did mention it in another thread hear).

Well, tonight, she and her husband came over to my parents for dinner and to play a game (Dominion, really excellent game by the way).

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations.

Of course, once again I find this to be hurtful but the level hse has taken it to makes wonder if

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it


Grrrrrrrrrrrr


Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I'll be seeing her oce more before I leave and am tempted to take her aside and have a quite word, but am not sure how far to go with what I say.

I would love to come out to her, but don't want to if she isn't gong to accpet me, and from her comments i don't hold out much hope of that at the moment

Thanks for letting me rant

/Katie

XXX

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations


I (MYSELF) would have blowup worse than a ATOMIC bomb at this statement!!!!!!!!!!
There are more words of wisdom spoken than i care to repete here, BUT I can second the idea to take her aside and ask for clairification on the meaning of that statment.
That is one VERY BAD thing to say even in jest.

[Eryn]

You can choose your friends, but unfortunately you cannot choose your relatives.

Realistically, you're there one week a year and you don't have to be there at all.

You're not going to win an argument with your sister because her husband will take her side. The only thing you will do is create an ugly scene that, right or wrong, will be blamed upon your non-standard nails.

Your sister's statement about your nails making you look like a "kiddie fillder" (whatever that is) was probably not mean literally. It was calculated to shock you, and it certainly has.

If I were in your situation I would meet with your sister privately with no other family members present. Be very matter-of-fact with her.

Tell her that she has made it clear that she does not like your nails. You understand her message and she does not need to repeat it.
Tell her that the condition of your nails is your business alone. You need offer no explanation at all of why you keep them in that condition.
Tell her that her statement about you being a "kiddie fillder" was totally unacceptable. That is not something that any civil person would say to another.
Tell her that she has a choice. She can keep her hurtful thoughts to herself and preserve a happy holiday for her family, or she can persist in her hurtful statements and ruin the holiday visit for everyone. That puts the onus on her to behave.

If she says another thing about this topic, explain calmly and carefully to your parents that your sister is creating an intolerable environment for you in spite of your private request to desist and that you have to leave. Then do so.

If you have to, you can visit your parents at another time of the year. You do not need to subject yourself and your parents to your sister's hateful behavior.

That's my two cents. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Niya W]

Had that happened in my parents house my sister would of been tossed out .

[Jennifer B]

I wouldn't let this put pressure on you to come out if you don't want to. It's your life. Maybe force the situation if you can't get her to back off using other means, use sarcasm to show how stupid and hurtful she is being.

For example. The next time she comments on your nails. Look straight at her stomach and say, "OMG! Look at your fat belly! How could I not realise, you're pregnant again. Congratulations Sis! At least now I know why you walk like you need a hip opp and smell of urine, I guess the little fella must really be kicking your bladder. Although I'm not sure if that explains the yellow teeth and halitosis. I so should have known by the shine of your facial hair. Pregnant Women always glow. So downy. Anyway you must have a lot on your mind, you probably forgot to shave your beard today. Lets hope this ones not born as ugly as the rest of your children." Then look her straight in the eye, smile and say, "By the way those shoes you're wearing. They're crap."

After she's finished going ballistic, explain to her that now she knows what bullying feels like and that she is being a dick and is hurting your feelings. Offer her the opportunity to talk in private if there is something that she wants to get off her chest. The theory here is that by provoking her, you get to the truth, good or bad. She either sulks or apologises. Or cracks up and gets out what's on her mind. One thing I've learned is that sometimes you have to poke a family member or SO with a stick or bite back to get the truth out.

Might not be the same for everybody of course, so tread carefully, you are the best qualified to judge what is the most appropriate approach. Good luck. I feel for you.

[Rachel Morley]

IMHO, I think it's a bit of "B" and quite a lot of "C".