The truth is, not many can handle the truth!

[Katesback]

Something that surprised me is that since I have been posting here in just the last couple weeks I have been getting a LOT of private messenged from WIVES. I really would love to post them but that would overide the idea of private messenges.

What I will say is they keep thanking me for telling the truth. They express huge amounts of frustration for all the crap they put up with. They say they should have gotten a divorce way sooner than they did. They tell me that its actually nice to see someone keeping it real. They even appologize to me for the retorts I have gotten, and go on to say they get them as well if they say what they really think.

I did not do a poll but it sounds like most women dont want anything to do with trans anything. They appear to have married a man and thats all they want.

I am just sumarzing what they tell me. Of course for those of you that say Katie your exadurating...... well no I acually am not. I have never exadurated on this forum. Thats done by the majority here and I really have no reason to exadurate about anything.

Katie

[sandra-leigh]

GGs then are within their own right expecting their MAN to be a MAN not a man with added benefits (matter of perspective).

Which clause of the UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights is it that you are citing? No? Perhaps it was a clause I missed in the US Constitution? No? Somewhere in the Constitution of Florida, maybe??



I went through a period of at least 5 years of being simmering-boil angry with my wife over some points in which my expectations were not being met. Was I being "reasonable" to be upset about those points? A number of members have reported getting divorced over less, so I was at least being pretty typical. I would turn from calm to furious on half a word based on the tone, had a scowl most of the time, sometimes got out of the car and walked home because of my upset. Went and slept in the garage a time or three because I couldn't stand to be in the same house. Most of the unhappy wives we hear about here had nothing on me.

And then one day it occurred to me: my wife is a free person, and she doesn't owe me any of the things I was so upset about. To give or withhold, or to talk one way or another: those were choices that were up to her completely, not anything that she owed, nothing I had any business arguing about or getting angry about.

Once I realized that, I was in some ways saddened, by the knowledge that those expectations of mine were not going to be met, but I was also tremendously freed, finally able to let go of my years of anger. I did not have any rights over her behavior, just quiet hope.

Just the same way, a GG is not "within her right" to expect her partner to "be a MAN". She can hope, she can discuss, but her partner is a free-willed person that no-one has a right to control.

The GG partner has the same right that I did: namely to stay and live with the situation (if disappointedly) -- or to get out.

This I can tell you: I am much better off for having shed my anger about my internal expectations. And I wish my wife were home tonight.

[Marleena]

Wow... what I'm learning from this thread is not many women or men want TS CD TG partners. Unless that's just an exaggeration.

Not good news at all.

[Miriam-J]

Perhaps there's another perspective on this. If it's perfectly natural for a female to wear clothes like those traditionally worn by men, then why should those same individuals be free to impose an artificial constraint on their men that they can't wear clothes like those traditionally worn by women. Why this asymmetry? Who's actually being unfair here?

Do we find it's OK to impose this constraint just because it's their expectation? There are cultures where the men 'expect' their females to wear burkhas? A hundred years ago the females in our own country were not allowed to wear pants. Going a bit broader, 60 years in this country many fought and many others defended the expectation that blacks could not go to the same schools (among other things).

Cultural expectations may be pure bigotry in another's eyes. Why do we feel we should defend this view?

Miriam

[Katesback]

Thank you for opening the door.

First of all it is not the clothes. Or I should say the clothes are just a small portion of what is the problem.

See along with the clothes comes the new personality, the new sex drives, the new adventures with the new personality and new sex drives. I cannot tell you the number of CDs that I have met that have sex behind the wifes back. Since I have never been a cheater I would always confront them about the behavior. Do you know what the typical response is?

The typical responses is that ____ (the female name goes there) is a different person that the boy and she has her desires. Some even go as far as saying they arent cheating because it is the different personality than the man.

In addition to the above mentioned things along with the clothes comes the ever increasing desire to wear the clothes. Ohhh and of course dont forget the makeup. leg shaving, fake boobs (dont think those are clothes), and god knows what else that it takes to try to make a man look like a woman.

Once again dont forget that once the clothes go on the new personality takes over....... well except when the wife is around and that is of course the time when you have to PROOVE your a man wearing high heels and pantyhose. Knock your socks off babe.

Finally your totally wrong in all respects. Every trans woman in the process of transition walks out into the big bad world with womens clothes on and looks a lot like a man for a period of time. We survived. We did so because we had inner strength. On the other side there is the CDs that hide in the closet. post pictures of thier legs in the internet and then bitch because the world does not accept them when they themselves dont accept their behavior.


Katie

Perhaps there's another perspective on this. If it's perfectly natural for a female to wear clothes like those traditionally worn by men, then why should those same individuals be free to impose an artificial constraint on their men that they can't wear clothes like those traditionally worn by women. Why this asymmetry? Who's actually being unfair here?

Do we find it's OK to impose this constraint just because it's their expectation? There are cultures where the men 'expect' their females to wear burkhas? A hundred years ago the females in our own country were not allowed to wear pants. Going a bit broader, 60 years in this country many fought and many others defended the expectation that blacks could not go to the same schools (among other things).

Cultural expectations may be pure bigotry in another's eyes. Why do we feel we should defend this view?

Miriam

[Michelia]

Am I glad I do not have to think about these issues. This thread is exactly why my SO says she loves me and supports me and encourages me and loves me as I am and as girly as I want to be...but I am not to insist she ever come read this stuff or join me in writing and sharing opinions here. Whew! Maybe she has been right all along....

[Aprilrain]

I don't see CDing as a big deal but thats probably because my BF told me the first time we chatted. I'm sure if I found out 20 years and 3 kids later I'd feel differently. I don't feel the need to be educated, I have told my BF what I am and am not comfortable with, matter of fact no judgment. He suffers from the same thing I suffered from pre transition, SHAME! He's the one who has a problem with his CDing. I told him I'm not comfortable going out with him dressed other than that If he wants to go out he has CD friends he could do that with. If he wanted to dress at home I wouldn't care. I have told him that if he wants to wear nighties to bed I'm fine with it. He doesn't want to do any of that. Some times he asks me what level of feminization I'd be comfortable with, he says he wants boobs. OK how do you plan on getting boobs? cause hormones are going to do a lot more than give you boobs and you might not even GET boobs! I told him I'd have a problem with him being impotent. I want to have sex with a man and if he can't do that just to grow A cups on his 220# frame, I'd hit the bricks. Again no judgment no anger, I accept that we are all free agents, even married couples, and people have to do what makes them happy. If he wanted to transition I'd be his er her friend but I'm not really all that interested in woman. He tells me our relationship is more important than dressing or body modification and I appreciate that but I do think there is shame at work there too and not just commitment.

[docrobbysherry]

Badabing! Nice one, Kate! Cuts rite thru all the retoric! There's SO MUCH MORE THAN CLOTHES going on for many CD/TGs!

[sandra-leigh]

See along with the clothes comes the new personality, the new sex drives, the new adventures with the new personality and new sex drives.

Maybe the sex-drive trade-up offer wasn't valid in Canada, cuz I sure didn't get one!

Here is what did happen to me:

When I was 20, one of my sister's friends said I was cute. That was the only compliment I ever got that implied that I was somehow attractive or desirable-looking. Including through three relationships. I worked my butt off for 20 years doing very high quality work with thousands of people; more and more people expected me to do their work for them, but very few of them cared anything about me as a person. I was, I felt, being "used" for my brains, and I was expected to be that nice little dweeb for whom the concept of sexuality just didn't apply.

When I started cross-dressing and got some nice clothes and accessories and makeup together, there were a some times when I went out deliberately trying to look attractive. Not short-short skirts or the like, but well put-together. So people would look at me and appreciate my appearance. A personal defiance of a lifetime of repression, a public statement that I am a human who has a sexual side too.

Was this a "new sex drive"? No!! This was standing up for myself, refusing to accept the decades long chains that all I was good for was self-sacrifice, and a grasping of the fact that I have social and personal needs and that I have a right to be self-assertive.

Was any actual sex involved? Not one bit. Did I flirt with anyone or lead them on? No.

I did get propositioned once by a gay male who could tell I was male, but I politely refused and then bored him with tales of how difficult it was to find clothing in my size. (My decades working on computer problems didn't exactly prepare me for small-talk.) Oh, I nearly forgot: another time I was propositioned by a rude guy who was so drunk that he did not know or care what I was; he got a less-polite No.

New sex drive? I haven't even cuddled with anyone other than my wife since I started cross-dressing.

New adventures? Well, I've gone grocery-shopping while wearing a dress -- does that count as an adventure? I watched some drag shows, and was mostly bored. I still have no clue how to dance, never learned to "talk" female, fashion magazines still bore me immensely, I never watch Oprah. I did discover that I do an acceptable job at selling raffle tickets, and at taking the dirty dishes back to the kitchen... perhaps those are the adventures you are talking about.

[TGMarla]

I also love the compromse. Ya know something I see CDing akin to an addiction. Only difference is there is no cure.... Well for some there is and that is to transition and get SRS. Compromise you say. The wives are the ones to compromise. They married a man and got something else (assuming you didnt tell them for the early dating). They didnt ask for a man that wants to dress as a woman. They didnt ask for the compromise. Of course if they dont compromise it results in the CD either being miserable or doing it behind the wives back.

I pretty much agree. And I also agree with Kelly. These boards encompass only a very small proportion of the CD world. How many more merely troll or have never found this place or participated in the discussion. I think the vast majority of wives/girlfriends/whatever (and I do mean vast) don't want anything to do with their men crossdressing. Take my own wife for instance. She is what I would call a very normal average regular woman. She was raised as a girl to be a girl, went through adolescence as a female, found that she had a natural attraction to men, and not to women, and grew into a typical heterosexual woman. She married (twice) and had the expectation when doing so of enjoying a heterosexual relationship with her husband for the rest of her life.

She learned eventually that her husband crossdresses. And she didn't like it one little bit. After all, she married a man, and wanted a man in her life and not some female emulator. She doesn't need educating, she doesn't need counselling, and she doesn't need to learn acceptance. She is a very accepting person. She remained married to me, but she really doesn't want one thing to do with the whole crossdressing thing. She wants her man to be just that: her MAN. And I don't blame her one bit. I want her to be my woman, and I'd not like it much if she was running around all the time trying her best to look like a man. I get it. And so I do my very best to keep my life with her apart from my crossdressing activities. When she's around, I am her husband. When she is not, I take the liberty to exercise my desires to crossdress, provided more important obligations are already met.

You see, any compromise other than the one I've made with her, where she is simply not at all involved in this, is a compromise that is inevitably weighted in my favor. And to me, that will not do. To me, that would seem selfish. I believe a marriage, in order to work, must have both parties believing that they should give up what is important to themselves for the benefit of the other. My compromise here is just that way. I don't bother engaging in crossdressing activities that infringe and cross over into her territory. I still get to enjoy my feminine time, but it does not enter into her life one bit if I can help it. And before anyone says, "Yeah, but then shouldn't she give up her objections in order to make YOU happy?", I'm here to tell you that she already gives up enough to make us both happy. It's not her fault I crossdress, so that places the onus upon me. It's a compromise I'm comfortable with, and apparently, so is she. And our marriage has lasted 18 years so far, and doesn't seem to be in any danger of ending any time soon.

You'll notice (if you bother) that I don't sit on these boards and complain that my wife just doesn't understand. Heck, I don't even understand it completely, so why should I expect her to? Do I wish she was an accepting wife? Sure I do. But do I let that bother me, or do I make it a lynch-pin of whether or not we remain a couple. No, I do not. My advice to all those here who are dealing with unaccepting SOs, deal with it. The onus is on you, not them. You cannot force acceptance from anyone. They either will, or won't, or may possibly grow into it. But in the mean time, it's up to you to deal with it, not your wives or girlfriends.

[Sandra]

My advice to all those here who are dealing with unaccepting SOs, deal with it. The onus is on you, not them. You cannot force acceptance from anyone. They either will, or won't, or may possibly grow into it. But in the mean time, it's up to you to deal with it, not your wives or girlfriends.

Thank you Marla for this comment.

It appears that a few on here are trying again to put GG/SOs down because they can't accept/support call it what ever you like. You all want it your way and because GG/SO doesn't roll over and play then it's all her fault...and you wonder why not many GGs post in this section.

Yes I'm one step further along than a lot of GGs here in that my SO is TS but by god I will stick up for all of the GGs here...and when some of you get it into your thick heads that its' not all about you and work with your GG/SO's then things just might be a bit better for both of you.

[Laura912]

In this voting year, I cast one for Sandra and TGMaria.

[Katesback]

I am curious. You said your SO is TS. Is it fair to say that your SO once claimed to be a CD? Second question. What are you going to do if your SO gets SRS. I only ask that question because the married TSs tend to stop before SRS because it is the last straw to keep the marriage going. Of course one is not complete without it but hey some convince themselves that an ORCHY is enough. As a matter of fact a lot of them conjure up half ass medical reasons to justify an orchy. I am just curious because I suspect your a rare woman.

Katie

Thank you Marla for this comment.

It appears that a few on here are trying again to put GG/SOs down because they can't accept/support call it what ever you like. You all want it your way and because GG/SO doesn't roll over and play then it's all her fault...and you wonder why not many GGs post in this section.

Yes I'm one step further along than a lot of GGs here in that my SO is TS but by god I will stick up for all of the GGs here...and when some of you get it into your thick heads that its' not all about you and work with your GG/SO's then things just might be a bit better for both of you.

[Sandra]

You said your SO is TS. Is it fair to say that your SO once claimed to be a CD?

Yes she did for many years, she was one of the ones in denial. Gradually little things progressed, she dressed 24/7 and lived as a woman, laser for facial hair etc, then she changed her name by deed poll, still she did not say she was TS, then she hit a spell of depression and went to see a counsellor and things started to come out.

I knew before she actually accepted she was TS. I read on here in the TS forum and think hmmm that sounds familiar, but didn't say anything as I didn't want to push her into accepting herself until she was ready.

Second question. What are you going to do if your SO gets SRS.
Katie

Kate it's not "if" Nigella gets srs it is when. Infact we was at the Leeds GIC the other week, with Nigella being on hormones for over a year now we were discussing surgeons and the next step on the road.

As to what am I going to do...do you think I'm gonna going running and screaming to the hills We have sat and talked and talked for many hours about this, I am with Nigella all the way, we are doing this together. We are still a couple and have a very,very strong marriage, yes we've had our ups and downs like many couples do. I am with Nigella all the way.

Kate I may be a rare women, but our relationship has been built on trust and honesty. As each step has cropped up we have sat and discussed and been honest with each other, and Nigella has always asked me "are you happy with that" and yes Nigella has now said that coming this far, if I said "nope can't do it any more" then she couldn't go back...is she selfish? yep she is and she has said so herself, but it is what she has to do it is who she is. I don't know what is round the corner no one does, but and I know I keep repeating myself, I am with her all the way.

[Katesback]

Yes you are a rare woman. I can tell you I have known a lot of TSs that have gotten the Orchie so as to save the marriage. Wife will stay married as long as there is a penis between the legs. Of course its a cop out but such is life.

Is it selfish for her to do what she is doing? I got to tell you one thing, it is a matter of perspectice. If you were in WWII and the Nazis did an experiment on you and attached a penis to you I suspect you would endeavor to get rid of it as soon as you could because it did not belong there now did it? Well if your SO is really TS then she is a woman and she dont want that thing that is not supposed to be there and rightfully so.

Conversly from your perspective you have every right to say she is being selfish because you married a man and now ya got something else and especially when a girl is pre op the are always going to be selfish. Its a coping mechanism. Essentially to go through a successful transition one has to be willing to put everything on the line. One has to put the feelings of other people aside and do what they have to do.

You get to see this with the CDs that are in denial and then when they get past the "dont care about what other people think" and the "I am going to do what I have to do to be me" they begin transition and call themselves TS.

Ever notice in the support groups that the trans people under the age of 20 NEVER and I mean NEVER call themselves CD? As a matter of fact they just call themselves trans whatever. I suspect that the word CD is slowing becomming a world that only married trans people use and those that dont get married use the word trans because its more realistic. If ya say your trans it covers everything and you dont have to defend your manhood, your so called desire not to transition, ect ect.

Katie

Yes she did for many years, she was one of the ones in denial. Gradually little things progressed, she dressed 24/7 and lived as a woman, laser for facial hair etc, then she changed her name by deed poll, still she did not say she was TS, then she hit a spell of depression and went to see a counsellor and things started to come out.

I knew before she actually accepted she was TS. I read on here in the TS forum and think hmmm that sounds familiar, but didn't say anything as I didn't want to push her into accepting herself until she was ready.



Kate it's not "if" Nigella gets srs it is when. Infact we was at the Leeds GIC the other week, with Nigella being on hormones for over a year now we were discussing surgeons and the next step on the road.

As to what am I going to do...do you think I'm gonna going running and screaming to the hills We have sat and talked and talked for many hours about this, I am with Nigella all the way, we are doing this together. We are still a couple and have a very,very strong marriage, yes we've had our ups and downs like many couples do. I am with Nigella all the way.

Kate I may be a rare women, but our relationship has been built on trust and honesty. As each step has cropped up we have sat and discussed and been honest with each other, and Nigella has always asked me "are you happy with that" and yes Nigella has now said that coming this far, if I said "nope can't do it any more" then she couldn't go back...is she selfish? yep she is and she has said so herself, but it is what she has to do it is who she is. I don't know what is round the corner no one does, but and I know I keep repeating myself, I am with her all the way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The trick is to NOT look at being a crossdresser or transgendered guy as a BAD thing...

If you brought a woman back to your house and showed her a living room filled with your collection of pokemon sculptures, or bring her home to play with your giant model train village...i'd bet that would push away a number of women too...but i love pokemon, and i love model trains, so i'd think its cute

see what i'm saying...

i think the OP is totally true...the Transgendered husband presents challenges...but thats the line...get over it and find a girl that still loves you and thinks you are great..

[Sophie_C]

Funny... these so called compromises always seem to work in favor of the cross dresser. The cder gets to CD, and the the SO gets to compromises her values. What ever happened to Freedom of choice? Why does it always seem like the SO is the one who needs to either be educated, or the one who is remiss because she can't wrap her head around having a spouse who CD's? Spending "girly time" and "shopping" together..............Hahahhahahahahahahhaa! spoken like a true cder.

I feel like I'm throwing gasoline on a fire with this, but here I go...

You know, this leads to the crux of it all. The OP has it completely wrong. It's not that wives can't handle the truth. It's that most cross-dressers and trans people can't handle the truth. And, the truth is that their sexual "situation" isn't going to change and isn't going to just vanish one day, making their home the perfect, "normal" family.

The truth is that's why they hide it and aren't open about it from the start. They think they can contain it and that it'll just go away one day or will end up just being a "phase." But, we all know, especially from seeing older people here, that's not how it works. However you are, it's almost always for LIFE.

Wives get it, oh they do. And, it's not what they signed up for. And, they (rightfully so) feel betrayed when they find out the person they thought they were closest with, the one they relied on to be strong, to be their man, 'til death do you part, didn't give them the simple decency to know what they were getting into, so they could decide on it before wasting years and years of their lives.

Don't you get that your true sexual situation could be a complete turn-off for your wife, and she'd have no choice in that, say, any more than you'd have if she gained 100lbs, got rid of her breasts, started seriously pumping iron and looking like Buck Angel? (no insult to FTMs - I'm simply talking the nature of attraction)

Lastly, don't forget the final truth people can't handle: that, since there are so many people in the world, odds are pretty high that their wife wouldn't have been with you, had she known. It's harsh, but it's reality. She could have just walked down the street and been with another person without the baggage, and in the dating game, everyone, and I mean everyone chooses that.

The lengths the women here go to try to make things work shows how kind and understanding they are, well more than they're morally obligated to, especially considering they were the ones betrayed.

It's a tough time, still only being 2012, with little acceptance of gender variance, lifestyles and bisexuality, shoving people into closets, where maybe a bi woman might be great being with a cross-dressing man (or any other combinations), but both of them aren't in the open, so they never come to understand themselves and meet, leaving them both alone and miserable. I feel sympathy for both sides. But, I do believe "handling the truth" is more the problem of the people here, than their wives.

[Sandra]

Well if your SO is really TS then she is a woman and she dont want that thing that is not supposed to be there and rightfully so.

I do hope you are not saying that Nigella isn't really a TS just because she presented as a cder early on.? When she went to Leeds and had to go through a number of sessions with the gender therapist and the clinical nurse who reported back to the therapist, it was concluded that Nigella was a primary transexual, she had suppressed a lot of child hood memories that screamed transexual and these came out at the sessions she had.

You get to see this with the CDs that are in denial and then when they get past the "dont care about what other people think" and the "I am going to do what I have to do to be me" they begin transition and call themselves TS.

With some maybe, but what if the rest are like Nigella and have been a TS since they were born but are in denial, just because they present as a cder doesn't mean that deep, deep down they are TS. It took Nigella years to realise that she is TS and I imagine there is a lot out they just like her.

[Lorileah]

Sophie, you are right on. One cannot handle the truth if one is not presented with the truth. And when truth is kept hidden for a long time it is hard to tell from a lie

[Sandra]

Sophie, you are right on. One cannot handle the truth if one is not presented with the truth. And when truth is kept hidden for a long time it is hard to tell from a lie

Totally agree, and on here we have heard it so many times from GGs "he lied all these years how do I know he's not still lying and what else regarding the cding is he still lying about"

I was lucky in that I was told early on, we got together in the Oct, married the following Aug, and was told the following Jan, so 6 months into the marriage I was told, not years down the line like some, I really do feel for those GGs that this happens to.

[Inna]

I feel like I'm throwing gasoline on a fire with this, but here I go...

You know, this leads to the crux of it all. The OP has it completely wrong. It's not that wives can't handle the truth. It's that most cross-dressers and trans people can't handle the truth. And, the truth is that their sexual "situation" isn't going to change and isn't going to just vanish one day, making their home the perfect, "normal" family.

Hey, "let go my eggo" I love your post but just to stay correct I didn't say GG's can't handle the truth, what I said was:

"On one hand women ask for total disclosure and honesty on the other acceptance seems conditional in the respect to their husband/CD SO."

"GGs then are within their own right expecting their MAN to be a MAN not a man with added benefits (matter of perspective). I will put my reputation on line and state that for most of GGs their quest to know of their SOs CDing is simply a quest to somehow be able to see it through til its no more.
Some exceptional girls are honestly fine with CDing and support their husbands but that in my eyes is quite a rare instance."

Seams that truth weather from CD/TS or their SOs perspective is painful and treacherous to navigate, some just do not posses the strength to deal with a new perspective, a new life, because the things will never be the same once the curtain falls and the stage is truly revealed, hence my OP title: [SIZE="3"]The truth is, not many can handle the truth![/SIZE]

[Joanne f]

They say that a man and a woman use`s a different half of the brain , well this acceptance thing when triggered by the wife/so can act like a switch being triggered in the CDs head so that it has been accepted as thinking like a female therefore should be treated as one , and i expect some find it difficult to control this sudden flow of data so starts to question " why did you flick that switch " and want control of it , well simply because it needs to be controlled by to the same speed as that of the wife/so so that they can proses this new data at their own speed and not because their brain does not run so fast but because it is alien to them , unfortunately some CDs can not understand this .

[sandra-leigh]

Oh, twiddle-twaddle! Many of you are speaking like the wife is always the innocent and hard-done-by person in the relationship, the one who has to do all the compromising. It ain't necessarily so!

It is frustrating how little I can write in this regard without breaking my promise to myself not to write about the details of my relationship troubles in public (on the grounds that anything I write would be my perception only and my wife isn't here to give her perspective.)

I have adapted and adapted and adapted, and I been disappointed many a time. And that included many times before I even realized I was a cross-dresser.

My realization that I was a cross-dresser was followed immediately by an understanding that I was going to stop being a doormat, that I was going to do this for me. Don't take that as being "selfish": it was self-preservation, finding internal resources to live by and renew myself by, instead of continuing my ultimately self-destructive course of always giving in and always giving of myself to other people without getting anything back. If that is being "selfish" then so too is a rock "selfish" for not voluntarily eroding for the convenience of a stream.

Am I saying that my wife has not had to adjust to my cross-dressing and turning out to be TG? Not at all: I am pointing out that a relationship runs both ways, both people adjusting to each other, and that sometimes the adjustment for being CD or TG is not the biggest adjustment at all.

[Sandra]

I am pointing out that a relationship runs both ways, both people adjusting to each other, and that sometimes the adjustment for being CD or TG is not the biggest adjustment at all.

I agree that it should run both ways but time and time again we hear from GGs, that they are trying to adjust and then hubby/bf throws something else into the equation, or things are agreed on, then a few weeks down the line these have been thrown out of the window, and things are back to square one again and then we get threads, "my SO doesn't accept me". A lot on here seem to think that a SO should be all helpful, accepting, supportive etc as soon as they either find out or are told, well let me tell you it don't work like that, they need time to process what they have been presented with, and it doesn't help having a hubby/bf pushing things trying to make things go quicker.

[sandra-leigh]

A lot on here seem to think that a SO should be all helpful, accepting, supportive etc as soon as they either find out or are told, well let me tell you it don't work like that, they need time to process what they have been presented with, and it doesn't help having a hubby/bf pushing things trying to make things go quicker.

I can certainly agree with that.

I know I did some pushing myself, such as about wearing bras. I turned out to be deeper in than "just want to look pretty", and I think that at that point I probably needed to wear bras -- but with me not even understanding that myself, there wasn't much I could say other than "I felt like it". There were reasons, but the reasons only became visible in hindsight. Not a good time for either of us. I probably came across as selfish, but for me at the time, it was more like needing to eat.