Do you come from a touchy-feely family?

[Frédérique]

“Me, I’m touchy...” (a-ha)

[SIZE="2"]I’ve always wanted to ask this question – do you come from a touchy-feely family? I sure don’t! Growing up, I can’t remember ever getting a hug from my mother, or my father, or either of my sisters, nor do I recall getting a reassuring pat on the back, a token pat on the head, or even a momentary squeeze from someone’s hand. Nope – it was as if a force field existed around every member of my relatively small family, keeping us apart and unconnected, leading to acts of unabashed selfishness...

I’m wondering if this “Don’t touch me!” attitude contributed to my eventual need to crossdress. I mean, I wasn’t getting any physical contact at all, and I was painfully shy as a result, so perhaps dressing-up was a way to GET hugged by way of the clothes I chose to wear. Conversely, would I have even thought of crossdressing if I had been part of a “hands-on” family?

I should explain that I’m 50% white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant, and 50% white, Scandinavian Protestant, so I’m made up of 100% northern European stock, theoretically not the most sensual individuals on Earth. Your results may vary, but my forebears, English Puritans and Finnish laborers, came to America with their touch-less sympathies in tow, and I am the distillation of their curious mindset. Somebody obviously touched SOMEONE, otherwise I wouldn’t be here, but why couldn’t I get a hug now and then?

My sister (the one I live with) and I talk about this all the time, usually accompanied by rolling eyes and expressions of regret. She and I have managed to overcome this aversion to physical contact, even though I don’t dole out the hugs willy-nilly. My other sister still retains a strong aversion to being touched, to the point where any mention of sexual subject matter causes her immediate discomfort (and expressions of disgust soon follow). Her personal force field is still intact, many years after our hands-off childhood...

If I stopped to think about it, and I often do, I begin to realize that many of the first non-male items of clothing I wore had hugging in mind – for a time I was obsessed with Lycra garments of all types, and they hugged my slender body in a very pleasing manner. I still prefer near-unisex undergarments to more feminine unmentionables, simply because I get a long-overdue embrace when I wear them – I’ll wear a bra just for the hug, rather than for any attempt at modifying my shape, in fact I could make a connection between the bra and my mother without too much difficulty. The outer clothing is somewhat less important, as long as I’m being hugged inside...

Of course, in many ways I was blessed to grow up in a family where touch was an unknown quantity – I was never molested in any way, and there were MANY adults around at all times. Being the only little boy born to five brothers, I certainly could’ve been targeted for abuse, but nobody touched me (as I’ve already related). Meanwhile, I don’t recall being spanked, either by my father or my mother. Oh, they (especially HE) would threaten to spank me, but it would never actually happen. Again – no touching, no contact, no matter what the circumstances...

I wound up being painfully bashful and emotional, a boy looking for some reassurance through human contact. None was forthcoming, even during a brief period when I attended art school – imagine being in a place where sensuality reigned, and yet not be able to let go of your own reticence! Well, something had to give, so I slowly, gradually, moved towards the promised land of crossdressing. It was somewhat inevitable that I was left to my own devices, hugging the so-called “other” gender via a change of clothing. Crossdressing helped me to overcome my inherent aversion to touch, and I am very grateful it did...

Being a visual artist is all about touch, and “caress” is one of my favorite words. As a result, when I dress-up I overload the sensation of touch as much as I can. Not only do my aforementioned undergarments provide a constant warm embrace, but the dress or skirt I wear captures gentle currents of air, helping to caress my exposed knees (or even higher up). This is a sensation that provides much satisfaction, to say the least. Not only that, but my feet, encased in cute little shoes, come in intimate contact with whatever is beneath them - delicate hosiery hugs my legs, my waist is pulled taut (hands on hips), and so forth. Earrings dangle from my earlobes, pulling gently, while my lips, dutifully painted, touch each other in a scarlet dance...

It’s all about touch, and I like to be touched these days. Crossdressing has certainly re-dressed the balance (pun intended), filling in that dearth of human contact I suffered through as a child (and beyond). As such, I can never see CD’ing as a problem or as an addiction – I see it more as a remedial measure, restorative in nature, existing as full-touch therapy for a deprived soul...

Do you come from a touchy-feely family?

PS - I CAN be ticklish (unless I’m excited), but that’s another story! [/SIZE]

[Karren H]

Nope. I'm not at all.....

[Piora]

Great post as always, Frédérique.

No, no one in my family were huggers. Not affectionate in the least. I don't recall being hugged by my mother or father. Possibly an aunt, on occasion. However, I myself am very much a hugger. I hug my daughter all the time. I hug on first dates (if I sense it will be appropriate) My daughter is also a hugger, and like me is very affectionate. Love will do that to ya!

I think most 'manly men' won't hug their children (or heaven forbid another man!!) It comes from how they were raised. Many European families don't hug or are affectionate to their children - especially male children - for fear that it will keep them from somehow being properly prepared for the cruel, hard world out there!

I like how you mentioned that wearing a bra is a form of hugging....I have thought that, too. I also think that men who have strong feminine sides (not necessarily CDs) tend to be huggers. Women in general hug much more than men, because they are natural nurturers, and are affectionate even beyond hugging their children,

[Barbara Ella]

My family was not touchy, I am also 50% anglo saxon Protestant, of Mayflower stock, but the other 50% is Germanic, grandmother coming over coming over on the boat as a youngster with my father being first generation. So, I have the no touchy/feely, but with the Germanic disposition for order, so i did get the spanking, as the oldest I usually deserved it.

However, my life turned completely when I married into an Hispanic family. talk about your culture shock....Lasted for all of the reception and dance. I did adopt the touchy/feely and readily hug anyone who looks/feels like they need it, and all family members are fair game at all times

Babes

[Sarah Doepner]

Nope, not really. I never got hugs from anyone but my mother and maybe an aunt or two. For the most part I was a stranger to physical contact until my adult years, so it could be the crossdressing was filling a need that was going unsatisfied, and maybe even unrecognized.

[Alice Torn]

Frederique, I can truly relate to your thread here. Very little touch in my family, either. Was spanked at times, threatened a lot. Older twin brothers emotionally abused me, and still do. Like you, I now see my dressing up, as making up for deficits, and legitimate unmet needs! Pets have also filled the need. I go to 12 step groups often, and share hugs with ladies there, but, it is getting to be a stale ritual, some. What you described with how your under and outer garments supply "hugs", and holding, hits home. Perhaps, if we had come from 'normal" touchy families, we might have not become crossdressers.

[BRANDYJ]

My Dad was not phyically affectionate with me or my brothers or sister that I can recall. He dies when I was only 10, so the memorie is sketchy at best. My Mom and I were huggers when the mood struck us. I felt very loved by her. Of course she died when I was only 16. So that memory is fading too. I myself am very touchy feely toward kids. My SO's granddaughters always get a hug from me and always from my SO. We both think it is very important to their up bringing. They get a hug and goodnight kiss when tucked into bed every single night, even when they have been bad. Before they go to sleep, they know they are loved.

[Princess29]

no, we werent a touchy-feely family and I'm still not very good at that sort of stuff

[Eryn]

Frédérique, as usual, you touch upon a very interesting point. My family was small and not touchy at all. It is very likely that that is one of the myriad things that made feminine cultural norms attractive to me. I still feel awkward, though I'm getting better.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Not at all- my stepfaterh was and probably still is an A-hole, my mom was stressed because he cared more about his beer and cigs than anyone, but my great grandparents were awesome to me. Not sure where I learned what I learned, or why I'm so different. But I like my way better.

[Miriam-J]

An interesting point, and perhaps true at a statistical level - but with significant outliers. I grew up in an Anglo-Saxon/German family, but got plenty of hugs and other positive physical contact. My immediate family was very supportive with physical feedback, as was my Mom's side of the family. Not as much on my Dad's side of the family, but it was there as well - and I didn't spend as much time with them.

I've always been saddened to see and hear about families without positive physical contact, especially the ones with plenty of negative. It's always meant so much to me.

Miriam

[KellyJameson]

I do not think it is possible for there to be love without touch. My parents are to damaged to be able to love, all they know is fear. They are trapped by their childhoods and never learned to stop reacting to their fears and stay perpetually ignorant of themselves and the world they live in. Sad to see lifes wasted running from the past by trying to control everything so they do not get hurt again because they suffer a joyless empty existence that they fill with mindless hedonistic pursuits so they feel alive but in reality all they really are trying to do is not be aware of the ticking of the clock bringing death closer.

I am their opposite, I communicate through touch but I do this differently with each person depending on the relationship they have with themselves, the more a person likes (accepts, opposite of narcissism) themselves the more I'm likely to touch them in response to their love of self but it is always an act of spontaneity as all love should be.

Thank you Frédérique for this personal thread and I'm sorry that you as I were not touched with affection and acceptance in childhood. The words of love are wasted without touch and it is a great misfortune that so many parents do not have a loving relationship with themselves that would have washed over their children. Hate and bitterness of life makes for poor parents.

[sometimes_miss]

The only time anyone in my family touched me when I was growing up, was to hit me.

[Piora]

It's interesting that (so far) most of the responses have been negative - some members had abusive childhoods, or came from affectionless voids.....or at the very least, like myself, just had non-huggy relationships with their parents.

Perhaps, it was reaching out, over those years, for that love and affection that we crave....only to find little or none. Then, looking inward, we find that we have a love of self. We love ourselves enough to embrace our inner female persona. I truly believe that one of the most powerful forces that drives us to be who we are, comes from that.

[ronny0]

Well, as best as I can remember No one touched unless they had to....
Now I have to wonder if this is the norm for most people.

Sort of like asking if everyone had a mother, we all did, but this would be true for everyone?
Still your question is food for thought. And like most doesn't make me feel all warm about it.

[DonnaT]

Raised Catholic

Me too, but we weren't a touchy-feely family.

[Anna Lorree]

No, my family was not affectionate. I have never heard my father tell me that he loves me, nor can I remember him giving me a hug. That's just the way he was raised. I have changed this with my own children. I hug both of them and tell them that I love them every day I am home.

My mother is more affectionate than my father, but we aren't what I would call close.

Anna

[Marleena]

Another great post Freddy! I always enjoy reading your threads.

I also came from a family that did not do the touch feely thing at all. I found out my mom never had it from her mom either. My dad left when I was about 5 and I just remember him as physically abusive. I do tell my kids & wife I love them, and hug them. It is a basic human need to be loved by your own family.

I'm glad you found that balance.

[Janelle_C]

I'm very touchy feely and I'm a big hugger. But my dad not so much I don't even remember him ever saying I love you. I do remember getting the belt from him. Closer to my mom after I was a adult.

[Karinsamatha]

You made me reflect on some of the best times in my life, both my father, and mother were huggers. Praise was offered when the situation warranted it.

[Anna Lorree]

I'm very touchy feely and I'm a big hugger. But my dad not so much I don't even remember him ever saying I love you. I do remember getting the belt from him. Closer to my mom after I was a adult.

I got the best as a child, also. That said, the best was far less than my dad got as a child. As such, I am glad he was able to at least self-moderate the abuse he suffered, even if he is unable to be affectionate.

Anna

Anna

[Misti]

“Me, I’m touchy...” (a-ha)

As usual, Frederique, you pose the damndest, most thought provoking questions, ever, much like the Naked City (Re. 50's-60's BW TV), I suppose? This being but one (1) of them:

[You state:] I’ve always wanted to ask this question – do you come from a touchy-feely family? I sure don’t! Growing up, I can’t remember ever getting a hug from my mother, or my father, or either of my [4 younger] sisters, nor do I recall getting a reassuring pat on the back, a token pat on the head, or even a momentary squeeze from someone’s hand. Nope – it was as if a force field existed around every member of my ... family, keeping us apart and unconnected, leading to acts of unabashed selfishness... [and the same goes for me, to this very day, unfortunately]!

Like you Frederique, I should explain that I’m 50% white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant, 25% white, Scandinavian Protestant, and 25% French(-mixed up), so I’m made up of 100% northern European stock, theoretically not the most sensual individuals on Earth.

My family was not touchy, but with the Germanic disposition for order, i did get the spanking [Oh Brother, and in spades, did I get it!], as the oldest, [and] I usually [my emphasis here] deserved it. Babes

[To continue.] If I stopped to think about it, and I often do [this is definitely an eye-opening first for me, though, thank you very much], I begin to realize that many of the first non-male items of clothing I wore had hugging in mind – they hugged my slender body in a very pleasing manner [which is quite similar for me, actually, I now realize]. I still prefer near-unisex undergarments to more feminine unmentionables, simply because I get a long-overdue embrace when I wear them – I’ll wear a bra [cami for me] just for the hug, rather than for any attempt at modifying my shape [add to that, a Marilyn Monroe Brief for all of the above reasons, and then some, plus added support for my very, very bad back :Angry3:].

[Now I can readily see, thanks to your thread here, that] it’s all about touch, and I like to be touched these days. Crossdressing has certainly re-dressed the balance (pun intended), filling in that dearth of human contact I suffered through as a child (and beyond). As such, I can never see CD’ing as a problem or as an addiction – I see it more as a remedial measure, restorative in nature, existing as full-touch therapy for a deprived soul...

[Like you, Frederique,] I [really do] like to be touched these days. Crossdressing has certainly re-dressed the balance (pun intended), filling in that dearth of human contact I suffered through as a child (and beyond). As such, I can never see CD’ing as a problem or as an addiction – I see it more as a remedial measure, restorative in nature, existing as full-touch therapy for a deprived soul... [Amen, again!]

Do you come from a touchy-feely family? [So, the short answer, Frederique, is: No! In two (2) words: "Sadly, No!"]
PS - I CAN be ticklish (unless I’m excited), but that’s another story! [Ditto]
PS2 - That's all changed now because of my findng CDing and the most supporting SO, and feeling, a body (pun intended) could ever want.

L&R

Misti

[BillieJoEllen]

Grandmother was the only one to ever hug me. When I was smaller I would be asked to kiss my mother but it was to be only a quick kiss.

[Krististeph]

Do you come from a touchy-feely family?


I’ve always wanted to ask this question – do you come from a touchy-feely family? I sure don’t! Growing up, I can’t remember ever getting a hug from my mother, or my father, or either of my sisters, nor do I recall getting a reassuring pat on the back, a token pat

We got hugs- from parents and sibs. Not as much from Dad, but significant. Worked both ways- it made up for a lot of craziness, but then again, did it make the craziness acceptable or okay? No t really.

Personal space is something developed early- my wife’s family was rather not touchy. I managed to overcome that in regards to my wife and I- buy she defaults to retracting from contact if she is tense or otherwise distracted.


I’m wondering if this “Don’t touch me!” attitude contributed to my eventual need to crossdress. I mean, I wasn’t getting any physical contact at all, and I was painfully shy as a result, so perhaps dressing-up was a way to GET hugged by way of the clothes I chose to wear. Conversely, would I have even thought of crossdressing if I had been part of a “hands-on” family?
I don’t see that it necessarily affected my CD/TG aspect in an y real way.

I should explain that I’m 50% white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant, and 50% white, Scandinavian
So, Olly and Lena were out ice fishing… ;-)

am the distillation of their curious mindset. Somebody obviously touched SOMEONE, otherwise I wouldn’t be here, but why couldn’t I get a hug now and then?
Dad’s sibs were not warm to him, but they were wonderful aunts and uncles. Mom’s sibs were much more open to touch- I remember sitting on aunts’ laps I had never met before--
I was the ‘baby’ of the family- 4 older sibs- significantly older- I evidently was a nice kid, when i wasn’t being spoiled, would always give a kiss and a hug-

I’ll wear a bra just for the hug, rather than for any attempt at modifying my shape, in fact I could make a connection between the bra and my mother without too much difficulty. The outer clothing is somewhat less important, as long as I’m being hugged inside...
Shapewear can be oppressive and constricting- or it can feel like a hug or an embrace, or something comforting.

Touch- though is directly linked to mental states- persons with autism often like being hugged, there is a feeling of tactile input- it is probably linked to certain subconscious sensory inputs- in other words- there is a very real possibility that a hug or touching fills a neurochemical deficit that is pronounced is persons with autism. When nerve impulses are not used- there is an electrochemical potential built up. The ‘potential’ is an electrical pressure (voltage), it is very much like when you cannot remember a name of someone- and yiou try so hard to remember it- and when you finally find the path that makes the connection- it almost feels like a physical relief- or it does for my wife and I (she gets me going like this- it’s almost as like the feeling in sexual foreplay- mental foreplay or masturbation, if you will excuse the vulgarity)


Of course, in many ways I was blessed to grow up in a family where touch was an unknown quantity – I was never molested in any way, and there were MANY adults around at all times.
Never any inappropriate touching I my family- dad was screwed up- but he knew right from wrong. Knew a few classmates who had ‘incidents’, I would have ripped the guy’s eyes out probably- hugs from family is totally different. You would nev er mistake the two.


It’s all about touch, and I like to be touched these days. Crossdressing has certainly re-dressed the balance (pun intended), filling in that dearth of human contact I suffered through as a child (and beyond). As such, I can never see CD’ing as a problem or as an addiction – I see it more as a remedial measure, restorative in nature, existing as full-touch therapy for a deprived soul...

Before I met my wife- I was one of the guys at work who would give shoulder rubs- great way to be friends with chicks- never went anywhere near an inappropriate place- (without explicit permission) only once did a girl tell me she didn’t like it- no problem. She was a non-touching person. I was actually dating her friend from college at the time- Jules had no such opposition to touching… man she could kiss.

So, I don’t know- I think it is an inhibition to closeness- but it can be overcome, or over-ridden if you choose. I don’t think it is much if any factor in CD or TG issues.

I wish more families were touch-enabled- I think it would solve some problems of teen angst- if the child raised with touch- you can’t just start hugging the kid at 14 and expect them to react well to it.

Talking about it is a VERY GOOD step to making your family more touch friendly. Communication is key- let someone know why you are being this way. And remind them over and over- it is just like teaching- you have to explain it many times- after a while the ‘student’ gets tired of opposing this new thing- or at least gets used to the idea.

The way you write, Frederique, shows that your mind likes contact- and in a formalized respectful manner. But the depth of your subjects shows you reach out, despite respecting the ‘formalized’ rules of language (and thus other mores) . Or I could be whistling Dixie… but I’ve found my impressions are usually correct, even if I cannot articulate them fully in prosaic prose… :-/


-Kristi

[GBJoker]

Freddie, I just gotta say, your post (OP one, since I've not read the whole thread) has certainly hit me the right way.

I AM from a "touchy-feely" family, but no one touches me. I have never let any one. It's a symptom of Asperger's Syndrome. I don't remember the last time I was hugged or anything similar, and my mom says the last time she was able to hug or touch me was before puberty, not counting times I was unconscious. And of course, I've never been touched in any way by people outside the family, except for high-five stuff.

I've often wondered if I started CD'ing because I'd never touched a GG, and believed I never would touch a GG in any capacity. Admittedly, I still believe that a little bit. But I honestly do not know the real reason I started CD'ing. So far, this is the best theory I've come up with.

I wouldn't nessecarily (I know I butchered that word...) say that I pick clothes that "hug" me, but I definitely pick clothes that feel good. I don't really know what materiels they are made out of though... I've never understood that kind of stuff.

Unfortunately, everything is now ruined, having lost my ability to touch/feel anything in my right side.

PS: Keep in mind, I don't remember much of anything from before 2008 when you read this. Maybe I should have put this at the top...