worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife

[Helen Grandeis]

I regret my reveal of ten months ago. My marriage is intact at the expense of most of Helen's existence. Honesty is much better than a chance that she would have hobbled upstairs and discovered Helen's things or a car accident or an unexpected encounter with a mutual friend in deep space. You have played your hand.
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At least you will not be numbered among those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt.
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Maybe a therapist might help ou find some common ground.

[sarahcsc]

Chrismy, don't be so sure that this is the worse ever decision you made... it may be a blessing in disguise and only time will tell if its going to work out for any of you. I'd say keep an open mind, because you're only going to be guilt ridden if you keep thinking it was the worse decision YOU'VE ever mademade becausyou are saying that its basically your fault that she left. The fact that you're moving out also tells me that you feel somewhat responsible and is taking onthe role of a guilty person.

I feel your pain. I can't understand what you are going through, but I feel sorry for everything you are going through... Take care and keep us updated.

[CINDYO]

Jeannie
just read your post, re think what you said, Who really is the selfish one here. Not the wife, she entered a marriage thinking there was complete honesty. One party of the marriage with held vital info that may have influenced the wife decision or at least enabled her to make an informed decision. This was were the SELFISH originalgted. I frequently read well if your wife was more open minded, if you wife was not so selfish etc. NO the wife is not the perpetrater here, the wife entered what she thought was a open honest trusting union. The wife did not change the rules. It was the husband that came up with, oh by the way, i am not really quite who you thought i was. Hope you dont mind if i like to dress in frilly lingere and lipstick and go out into the world, I am still your man.......sometimes i also.. "read not sure but i might even be bi- curious. hope you are not too selfish to be ok with that too"

[LeaP]

worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife ,,, ever ,,,, ever,,, ever,,, after 28 years of marriage .. 2 months later and it all crashes down. she feels sooo betrayed even though the only person i ever cheated on her with was myself. i will have to move shortly and give up a lifetime of hard work but even worse loose the warm hug and love of the person that means the most in the world to me. to all the gurls that will jump on the "ya shoulda told her from the beginning" bandwagon ..... save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think.

First, I should say that I agree with Inna. It's commendable that you thought to act in trust and honesty, despite risk. It takes courage to do that.

I'm struck by several aspects of your post, however. That you characterize your dressing as cheating on your wife - do you actually feel this way? Second, that despite (apparently) feeling this way, you chose to include pictures of yourself dressed. I'm guessing that conflict over your crossdressing is what finally pressed you to come out.

As for the "from the beginning" thing - meh - people differ. While I'm an advocate of telling early, only you know whether or not you were capable at that point.

Sorry to hear about the consequences, but I'm glad you had the regard for yourself and your wife enough to try. I would not move out, however, and I would hold out some hope for your marriage, assuming there aren't other factors in play also.

Lea

[linda allen]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

You know, we don't all know before we get married. Sometimes it starts later in life or it comes and goes. I remember when I first started dating my wife I had a lot more on my mind and was probably not dressing much back then. Even what I did was just a bra and homemade forms in private.

Each of us, each of our wives, and each of our relationships is different. A blanket statement like yours doesn't work for everyone.

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

[Marie-Elise]

It's always hard to read about situations like this; I'm sorry that's how it turned out.

[Sara Jessica]

Sad story. And despite what I'm about to say, please know that I do have empathy for your situation. This stuff is real and can have such profound effects on relationships on so many levels.

But really, look back at your own history. You didn't disclose. You beat around the bush with schemes to get into certain types of clothing around your wife and then attempted to bring her in even deeper into YOUR fantasy without full disclosure. You shot for the moon and ended up falling way short. This is not saying that honest disclosure would have had a different result but I think I could have more empathy if there was even the slightest sign that you had actually read the tales of disclosure told in these pages during your rather short time here and learned from them. Did you ever read what our natal females have written about what this does to them? How difficult is it for them to get their heads around the fact that their MAN wants to get dolled up like a WOMAN for whatever reason? Did it occur to you that many women never get beyond barely tolerating, let alone participating on any level?

Yes, perhaps you should have told her before getting married. Yes, perhaps it would have been better to stay in the closet. Instead, you played it like a game and manipulated the situation and ended up being burned beyond belief. Hindsight may be 20/20 but if you had laid out ahead of time your little scheme versus up front and honest disclosure (with an element to keep your dressing up thing completely separate from her ever seeing it) versus staying in the closet, I doubt anyone would have recommended that you opt for the scheme.

All that said, the genie is clearly out of the bottle and there's no putting her back inside. Is there any hope to salvage the relationship? Might therapy help? Can you quit dressing in order to stay with the one you love? As impossible as that might seem, have you even put that olive branch out there?

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I am very sorry to hear that things have worked out this way for you chrismy - I can only imagine how hard it is for anyone to reveal this to their wife/SO. I dont know how long since you told her but maybe she will come around in time - at the moment she is probably very hurt, frightened and confused - and worried about what neighbours,friends,family might think if they find out. I guess it depends how far you want to take the dressing as to whether it is possible, or you even want, to keep it from friends & family.

You havent cheated on your wife - good grief, dont beat yourself up that way - just my opinion but having been through my huband's infidelity and now being told about the CD'ing - I know which I'd prefer if I'd had a choice! unfortunately I got both! But we're still together.

So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now. I hope you are OK and please let us know how you are doing. Love the black dress and pearls BTW.

I dont think this is anything to do with selfishness - on either part - and please - not all of us think and act with our emotions first and certainly not all of us are more concerned with what our friends think.

I dont believe either party have been selfish here - chrismy did what she thought was best - came clean to her wife - ok she hid it for years but lets face it, most of us tell lies or hide truths at some time or other - its human nature not to want people to think bad of you and its no point bolting the stable door once the horse has gone.

Chrismy's wife has had a huge shock, she thought she knew the man she married, after all those years she probably didnt think there was anything she didnt know about him - now she finds there a whole other side she knew nothing about - she will take time to come terms with this, maybe she will never come to terms with it - andif thats the case well its very very sad but its not her fault and its certainly not selfish!

Maybe it is a case of you were both drifting apart and the CD'ing revelation has been used as a "get out excuse" - only you and your wife know that Chrismy but I 'd not be in a rush to move out - unless you honestly think that there is no hope for your marriage.

I wish you all the best and hope that both you and your wife can find happiness, whether it be together or apart.

I have been accused of being bigotted and narrow minded in the past - however I have accepted my husband's CD'ing, as I forgave him his infidelity - because deep down there was always love - if you still have love for each other then maybe there is still hope

[GingerLeigh]

I'm sorry things didn't work out, I can only imagine the loss you BOTH feel right now. Is telling the worst idea ever? That depends, since telling is NOT for everyone. There is no one size fits all for every relationship and I believe that for every happy ending there is a sad one. Were there any other marital issues (other than your crossdressing disclosure) at play here? Will you be able to salvage your marriage? Will she go to counseling with you or is it a done deal?

Ginger

[suzy1]

‘Worst Idea ever’ but whose idea was it? Yours or where you influenced by the ‘must come out brigade’ a dangerous group of members in my opinion.
Or the ‘you should have told her before you married’ lot. How naive can you get!

But I am sorry for your situation and hope you can sort it out with your wife.

SUZY

[Katesback]

I think the sad sentiments have been said. I would say one thing you are also owner of your house you can live there till otherwise directed by the authorities.

I realize you cannot see this far into the future but if I was a betting person, after the dust settles you will be happy because for one thing you will no longer have to live under the expectations of other people. What do I mean? I mean you can choose to express yourself as you wish. I am betting you will crossdress as much as you want thereafter. If I was a really big gambler I would bet you will begin transition.

Katie

[kimdl93]

Very sorry to hear that this happened. When did you come out to her? Perhaps if the two of you give it some time, this will sort itself out. The best thing you can do now is to act responsibly towards her and take care of yourself. No rash decisions or actions.

As for the "must come out brigade", I'd like to suggest that this could just as easily have happened by accident - as when a wife stumbles upon a hidden stash. Either way, its a shock and the outcome is unpredictable.

[Marleena]

I'm so sorry too. It's kind of a slap in the face with a sinking feeling. You come clean and that's what you get. I hope things get better after she has some time to digest it all. All the best to you Chrismy! Hang in there..

[Organza]

Dear Chrismy,

I'm so sorry for your agony.

I have a lot of experience with this because I was a "serial monogamist" for decades before I got married. My very first girlfriend in high school thought it was "interesting" when I told her but she never had to live with it. She was an avid dress-wearer herself and very feminine but not too smart and the relationship was never really going very far. I lived with a woman in my 20s and told her from the beginning. She barely tolerated the knowledge for seven years and eventually we broke up over other issues. My next girlfriend didn't mind at all and she let me keep my dresses in her closet In fact she was quite tall and we shared a few blouses and slips. But we separated, again over other issues. Then I lived with a gorgeous megababe for three years -- she didn't mind the dresses at all, but unfortunately she turned out to be completely self-destructive/nuts and we had to split. Then I had a few quick affairs. One beautiful lady lawyer tolerated the dresses but also turned out to be insane. Then I dated a pretty software type for two months, but when I told her she freaked and we broke up.

Finally I married an Eastern European scientist (I'm also a scientist). It was clear from the start that she needed a "strong man" and I made the hard decision not to tell her and to suppress that side of myself. It actually worked for four years, but after we had our first son, she grew very cold to me and I went back to dresses. We had a second son two years later and shortly after that, she found some of my clothes. Then we struggled to hold the marriage together for nine years for the boys' sakes, but eventually the dresses and other issues killed it. At this point I'm not sorry that happened, because I'm married to a lovely and tolerant girl, although we have other issues as well. One thing I wanted to tell you, though, is that my ex-wife and I are trying hard to be friends. She felt somewhat betrayed because I didn't tell her from the beginning. I can see her point, but I feel that I never would have needed the dresses again if she had remained a wife to me.

In other words, women are all over the map on this one. Not knowing you or your wife it's hard for me to say, but my guess is that there will be some chance of a good friendship (at least) in the future. The information is just very hard for some people to take. Logic is not really part of it. Yes, women wear pants, but pants are no longer exclusively "masculine." There's no question that dresses are feminine -- that's why we like them And that's also what's hard for her. As my Denver girlfriend said when I told her, "But it's so unmasculine." Yep, lady -- that's the whole point.

I hope the virtual hugs of your friends here help just a little bit until things get better. I know this pain and I feel for you more than I can properly express.

Please take care of yourself,
Lisa

[Kathy Smith]

Hi Chrismy,
I _know_ that coming out to your wife long after marriage can work. I've done it and she's ok with the situation. It doesn't always work, as you've found out. The more stable your marriage is to start with, the more chance there is of success.

If you want to rescue your marriage at this stage you are going to have to put in the work. Your wife has been knocked back in a big way. She's been put in a situation that she doesn't know how to handle. She's unsure about you, that you've suddenly become some kind of weird, possibly perverted character. Providing things haven't gone too far, this is the time that she needs the support of her husband - definitely not of Chrismy; IMHO Chrismy should pop back into the closet for a while. Your wife needs the man that she married full time at the moment.

Keep talking. It doesn't matter what about, so long as it has nothing whatsoever to do with crossdressing. The most important thing now is to keep those lines of communication open. Eventually you may be able to set some limits for Chrismy, but now isn't the time to discuss it.

I really hope things work out for you both.

[girlygirly]

I don't understand why anyone would believe that someone not predisposed to crossdressing would or should ever understand it. That is why I mostly keep it to myself.

It all comes down to one central issue, is either a matter of choice, or a genetic predisposition. If it is a matter of choice, you chose to do it. If it is a genetic predispostion, most of those who are unaffected by this would feel we have a disease. It all comes down to how you want to be seen by others, and whether you are willing to try and explain it all in a way that someone else can understand. I prefer to be seen as mostly normal, which is why I rarely try to explain something which I'm not sure even I fully understand.

[kendra_gurl]

It was just a month ago your started the thread..So my wife tells me I am ugly..... sounds like the start of a joke ..... haaha.

Did you not hear her?

Have you both not disscussed this at length?

You are and Adult not a kid in a candy store. Put everything away, stop dressing and have an HONEST conversation with your wife and LISTEN to her needs. Perhaps then you will see there really is a compromise avaliable to you both.

[Presh GG]

52 % of ALL marrages end in divorce.

Sorry, but the way you snaped at Jess made me wonder how you speak to your wife and I doubt cding is the ONLY problem in your relationship...

BUT,
I don't know you or your wife so that is just my observation.

Presh

[Jenniferathome]

I'm sorry thread these kind of results, but I have stated many times that crossdressing can not be the sole cause of a breakup. It can be a catalyst, for sure, but if the foundation is solid, a compromise can be reached. If no foundation then any marriage is doomed.

[JessHaust]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

53, married 32 years. She has know for 35 years.
And you are right that last 7 years age difference changes everything, I'm just young and stupid, but not so stupid as to lie to my wife to be.

[daviolin]

So sorry dear girl. I went through the same thing 3 years ago. It was touch and go. Things seem to have leveled out though. All I can say, If you still love her. Try to work it out. Daviolin

[whowhatwhen]

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

This is where lots of huge problems start, people thinking they can just 'quit' a part of themselves and move on in life.
So they get married and surprise surprise, guess what comes bubbling back to the surface?

We see this example often with threads like these when the guy can't hold back his feelings and expresses his true self to his wife, who becomes understandably upset at her husband who hid a huge part of himself from her for (x) years.
Anyone getting acceptance from their wife at that point is lucky as hell.

The moral appears to be that before you get serious you must tell him or her that you're a crossdresser, there are too many examples of people hiding this and it blowing up spectacularly.
You cannot hide who you are and trying to do so in a relationship is going to hurt someone else too and really that's just very unfair.

[Katesback]

But telling is a lot different than what often happens. I mean often the wife is actually somewhat ok with it at the start but then the pink fog takes over the CD and the freight train rolls through the wives house. I think that a lot of CDs mistakenly think that telling the wife and then getting some sort of approval means the wife wants to be involved in the CD activities. I dare say most women dont want anything to do with it.

Katie

[jillleanne]

Hi Chrismy,

As already said, our feelings are with you. Life as you well know deals different hands for no apparent reason. You have just been dealt the opportunity to prove to the one you love why you love her and to teach her who you are and that you are not someone to fear. It's an opportunity only you can decide how to address. I do know this: a well educated person will stand a better chance of accepting and understanding something easier than someone that is ignorant to the same. You can now educate her on a cross section of the general population that up until now, she does not understand and probably fears. I wish you well on your quest no matter what you choose.

[SuzanneBender]

Dear I read your post and then I skipped all of the replies. I promise not to jump on the bandwagon and my heart goes out to you. I understand why you didn't tell her before. I waited 15 years and it has taken its toll on our marriage. I know its not going to help, but remember in all likelihood its was a no win situation from the beginning. If you don't tell you deal with the guilt that cause friction and stress in the marriage and you take a chance on getting caught. If you do tell you roll the dice and hope that she understands. All is not lost though move forward and maybe one day she will decide to catch up.

Best wish and PM if you need to vent.