In my introduction to the forums post I said “I’m not sure if I’m TS or not.” That is not true. I am 100% certain that I am. I realized something was wrong when I was about 4 and started to become a real issue when I was 10. Puberty was an extremely difficult time for me. I was about 14 when I discovered what a transsexual woman was and I realized that I was one.
During my junior high and high school days I was picked on and bullied for being feminine and gay. I thought about suicide a lot and even made one unsuccessful attempt. I couldn’t stand my male body I detested it. My first love was my best friend Matt. I couldn’t tell him about my feelings for him. I used to dream that we would get married, own a house, and have a family. When I came out I lost him as a friend and we haven’t spoken to each other in over 12 years.
Lately my gender dysphoria has become overwhelming. It is at the point where it affects my functioning in daily life. I just want to be normal, a normal female.
I am so messed up. I am only sexually attracted to men but the idea of male on male sex is disgusts me. I don’t have anything against gay men but the idea it just gross to me. When I see an attractive woman I think gee I wish I could look like her. When I see an attractive man I think wow he’s hot, I wish he would come over here and flirt with me, maybe we could go out and watch a movie and he could hold me.
The worst part is that I’ve already transitioned once. I started stealing my mom’s Premarin when I was 16. I started electrolysis and laser hair removal as soon as I started growing facial hair. I lived full time when I was going to college. I even had a hot boyfriend who treated me right.
When I was full time I worked at Wal-Mart. I was a female escort for a few select men, something I never told my boyfriend. I also worked as a drag queen performer. I felt like at the rate I was saving I would never be able to afford FFS and SRS.
I needed a better job. I couldn’t get a decent job as transsexual woman who hadn’t legally changed her gender yet. I applied for a job where I was the most qualified applicant. I know this because I got a perfect score on both the aptitude test and the physical fitness test. I also had a bachelor’s degree and the job only required a GED. They hired 18 out of the 24 applicants. They didn’t even grant me an interview. I had to be honest on the application and provide them with my legal name and legal gender. Some places I applied for did grant me an interview. Sometimes during interviews the interviewers were polite. But sometimes when interviewers realized that I wasn’t entirely female they told me that they don’t hire my kind, or they don’t hire freaks, or that hiring someone like me would be bad for business. During my most depressing interview the guy told me that I disgusted him and that I was an abomination and a sin against nature. I left that interview in tears.
Before I entered the job market I had never really experienced any discrimination for being a transwoman. My experience in trying to find employment suitable for my qualifications was a miserable. I felt like a failure. I decided cut my hair. I stopped taking hormones and anti-androgens. I was able to get a job as an Army officer. During the interview they asked me if I was gay even though under DADT they weren’t supposed to. They asked if I had a girlfriend and they were very curious about why I took so many dance classes in college. The acceptance rate for OCS at the time was 100%. They were desperate for 2nd lieutenants and I got in.
My plan was to do my 3 year requirement, save as much as possible then get out and resume my transition. After being off anti-androgens for 6 months the return of testosterone production was too much for me so I went back on them. I actually asked a doctor for spironolactone and proscar while I was in OCS. Of course they would not prescribe it to me so I got it online. My breast got smaller over time and I only ever had one person make comments about the size of my nipples.
I do not want to be a transsexual woman. When I realized that was what I was it scared me. Going through transition the first time I was scared but then I began to feel normal. I had friends who knew the real me. I was happy. I was happier during that time of my life than I ever have been. I have to transition. My gender dysphoria is too much to deal with right now. I’m still in the Army so that sucks. I’m back on estradiol. I can’t grow my hair out because of I’m in the Army. I’m not getting FFS yet because I’m still in the Army. But I really, really, want to. There is no Army regulation against facial cosmetic surgery.
The estradiol has provided me with some relief. If I get discharged because of it then so be it. The military’s policies on transgender people are outdated and discriminatory. I am a top notch officer and I’m extremely good at what I do. I would be even better if I could be comfortable in my own skin and not feel like my own body betrays me. Right now I’m in graduate school. I graduate in May and so far I have a 4.0. Because the Army is sending me to graduate school I owe the Army another four years. Four years seems like an eternity. The longer I live as a male the worse I feel.
As soon as I’m out I’m getting FFS, then I’m growing my hair out, living full time as a woman, and getting SRS. Then I’m going feel normal and at peace with my own body. I regret detransitioning but now I have the money to complete transition and get on with my life.
PS
In the past AR 40-400 said “3.9.1 Service members in the Army must obtain approval prior to seeking civilian medical care”
But now AR 40-400 reads “10–11. Elective care in civilian medical treatment facilities or from other civilian sources is not authorized at Army expense. Individuals choosing to seek medical/dental care outside the military health system, without prior approval of the MTF responsible for providing their primary medical care, do so at their own risk. The Soldier should be aware that any unfavorable outcome resulting from elective care provided by civilian sources could result in a not-in-line-of-duty finding and potentially eliminates the possibility of receiving disability benefits from the PDES.”
I contacted SLDN about this but they haven’t got back to me. If I am interpreting this correctly then I cannot be penalized under UCMJ for seeking civilian medical care.
Originally Posted by Rianna Humble
