Looks Like I've Been Outed

[reb.femme]

Hi Persephone,

Nicole Erin says it as it is, people can be accepting to the face but duplicitous behind your back. However, I think Lorileah's advice is quite possibly the best method to utilise in this situation.

It doesn't name names, doesn't point the evil finger, but it does at least open the floor to those that may harbour worries and have so far kept their counsel. It is such a slap in the face though.
Easy for me to say though sat on the couch in the UK. Hope it goes well.

Rebecca

[SherriePall]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I have to go with Lorileah and others who advocate taking the high road. Don't try getting back at Nemesis because some of the other ladies may be put off by that. Just be honest and answer any questions calmly without pointing fingers.

[Nikki A.]

I agree in sticking with the group and take the high road. I also agree in that a little air cleaning may be in order. A bully can only bully when they have anything over you. But by you coming out, you shoot their load now they have nothing.

[Dawn cd]

If you are put in a position of defending yourself in the larger group, you can begin with Nemesis' allegation that you are "really a man." It is not precisely true, and it gives you an opening to explain who you are "really."

The whole gossipy event serves to prove that Nemesis is really not a lady.

[Eryn]

This doesn't apply to the current situation where the cat is out of the bag, but the broader philosophical question with a TG person joining a women's group is if that person should *ever* acknowledge their gender status as anything other than female. It seems that doing so simply gives the one or two hateful people among them ammunition to use against the TG.

There are a lot of GGs out there who have masculine features. In the rare case that their gender is questioned I'd think that they would cut the question off rather abruptly, likely with a bit of "how dare you!" outrage of their own. They have no choice, since they _are_ the gender being questioned. That would very likely cause them to immediately prevail in a social organization where nobody has any right to ask for documentation. A TG could do the same, provided that she has the chutzpah to stick with the assertion.

[Voulez-Vous]

I wish I knew what to say, but I really dont. Now the awkward part is that you have fibbed to them "My spouse and I attend as sisters-in-law" and this may well be held against you even by those who otherwise might not have had an issue with your gender

I have to agree. While this is an unfortunate situation, it also isn't right that you've lied to this "women's group". If you want to get technical about it, is there anything in their membership rules about being biologically female?

[ReineD]

I'm sorry, Persephone. But hopefully the friendships you've forged with many of the members will override the dissenting few.

The Nemesis needs to get a life.

[Stephenie S]

Don't do anything.

Don't say anything.

You were not there. Don't try to deal with problems that may not exist. You have been in this group for many years. You have friends. Let the wisdom of the group deal with this. If the subject of your gender comes up, smile sweetly and say, "I think you must be mistaking me for someone else."

Stephie

[Barbara Ella]

I am continually amazed by people who will be so kind to you face to face, but lack any kind of a moral fiber in their entire being, and will throw you to the dogs behind your back when they think you will not know. I do not wish to offend anyone, but I would bet money this woman goes to church every sunday, thumps her bible, and sings in the choir, and is still one of the most immoral people I can imagine.

You have the high road, and I am sure that given time, your true friends in your group will see her for what she is, and reject her for what she is. Be honest. At your meeting, if you feel an uneasiness from the other women, address the group as mentioned by others. You have the upper hand. You know what was done, and who did it, and you can work your words to emphasize the good that you and your friends have experienced through your membership. You have been an asset to that group. I think most of them know that, and given the chance will say so and support you.

Love, Barbara

[DCChris]

Thunderdome, just saying ...




also ... just kidding. Hope it gets resolved peaceably

[Marguarite]

Hopefully, You will be pleasantly surprised when you get a warm welcome at your next meeting. Your friends will know your true heart.

[Miriam-J]

I've been following this for a while, trying to figure out what I might do in a similar situation. Some have wisely suggested that you say a little in front of the group. Others have wisely suggested that you say nothing. All have wisely suggested that you maintain your dignity, as I believe you would have done in any case.

My experience with this type of situation is that the rescue happens well before the meeting. Touch base with the key players (in person or by phone) before the meeting, especially the chairperson. Do what others have suggested, but on this small personal basis instead. Consensus will be formed long before the meeting, and you will know already whether it is safe to return or not.

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing how it turns out.

Miriam

[kathy chelan]

i agree with miriam most of all.

[Persephone]

First, I want to thank everyone who has read and posted to this thread. I really, really appreciate all of the consideration, thought, suggestions, and good wishes that went into each and every post. Thank you!

My spouse and I had the Chairlady over for tea today and we talked for about two hours. She is even willing to start a new group centered on me and the women in the group that accept me, but I feel that I do not wish to do anything that conflicts with the nature of the group or that harms it. I told her that I would rather remain her friend and step out of the group than to see it torn apart because of me.

As I think I've mentioned, she has been a long time friend of Nemesis as well, and, as a result, does feel conflicted by her friendships. As it happens, she is having lunch with Nemesis tomorrow, a lunch that was planned before all of this bubbled up, and she plans to find out more about what may have really happened, but be fairly aggressive in letting Nemesis know that I have the Chairlady's full support.

She is going to let me know what she finds out.

I will keep y'all informed as I know more.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jonianne]

With interest, thanks for the update!

[SarahLynn]

Persephone, first let me say you are one brave girl. I'd never be able to enter that group regardless of how i presented. Second i agree with those who suggest you ask around with the ones who knew and are "friends" with you, to get their take on this. They are friends with most of the others too and they will have their views as well. And since they are your friends they will (if need be) defend your presence in the group. I'm fair sure with a bit of push from the other members, Nemesis is going to find herself and those of a like mind looking in on a group that can and will get along just fine without them. There will be no need to start a new group, the one now in progress will get along just fine.

SarahLynn

[Persephone]

It has been a week since I learned that I was outed at my women's group (click here). Needless to say, it has been a miserable week for me, full of pain and tears. Thank you so much to everyone here who has posted and supported me. You really made a difference!

Last night about 16-18 members of the women's group held an exofficio Birthday Party for five members who had birthdays during the month (one of them was my spouse).

Based on the encouragement I received here, and remembering how Scarlett O'Hara dressed in her finest and went to the ball after her scandal, I decided I was going to go in style.

So there was a story going around that I was a guy? Let my girls do that talking! I picked a colorful maxidress, one with a low V neckline, added a large oval necklace for emphasis, and put the girls on display.

I did my hair, put on my makeup, and mounted my open-toed 4-1/2" (11.4 cm) platform stilettoes (which barely lifted the hem of my maxidress off of the floor) and swept out of the door.

When we arrived at the restaurant several of the other members were also arriving, including the Chairlady, so hugging and chatting (one of the women immediately said, "How does she walk in those heels?"), we entered the restaurant.

It is so wonderful to say that I was immediately and happily greeted by nearly every woman there! It was smiles all around!

Except for Nemesis who looked at me for a long time. It wasn't a stare, she just keep looking in my direction, partly as if she was trying to tell me that we needed to talk, and partly as if "the girls" had left her a bit stunned.

I really didn't return her look or acknowledge it. Besides, I was too busy basking in the glow of the friendship from around the room!

I sat down next to the Chairlady, on her right, and spent the evening chatting and laughing with the women at my end of the table.

I did quietly ask the Chairlady if Nemesis was indeed the one who outed me, or if it was one of her cllque, and she went with a vague "I think she did, but it isn't clear."

At the end of the evening the subject of our dues came up. They are due the 20th of May and the Chairlady has said that anyone who hasn't turned them in by then is out.

I said something about not having paid mine yet, and the woman sitting to the right of The Nemesis, one of her handmaidens, said, "You have to pay, we want you to stay!"

Everyone giggled at her poetry and there were nods of assent. She even repeated it a second time.

I did not speak to Nemesis the entire evening, but lots of women came by to say "Goodnight" to me as the party broke up. Lots of hugs all around.

Who knows what the future will bring? But right now I'm feeling pretty good!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[whowhatwhen]

That is both awesome and heartwarming.

[BillieJoEllen]

Persephone, from what I see in your photo you definitely pass and I don't see why anyone would have any issues with you.

[StephanieDragg]

I am very happy for you!!!!
and you handled it like the lady you are!

[prettytoes]

That is great news! So glad to hear eveything went so well for you! I have learned that there are a lot of people out there that think making other people look bad makes them look good...it usually backfires! Great to see that you handled it so well, and that the group really seems to be on your side. Congrats!

[Michaelasfun]

What can I say but "Good show, Scarlett!"

[Cynthia Anne]

Way to go girl! You handled that perfectly! So proud of you! Hugs!

[DonnaT]

Sorry you fretted all week for nothing

Nice group of ladies, it seems.

[kimdl93]

You see...good again triumphs over mean girls! Congratulations Barb!