A week isn't enough time even to get emotions in check. You are both rushing needlessly. Give yourself six months to cool off and gain a longer term perspective. See if she'd agree to that...and take a break from dressing until that 6 months is up as a demonstration of good faith. You're young - the time will pass and you'll both be in a much better position to think rationally about the future.
You do any of this and things will just go downhill, doing this to an SO who is having difficulties is just rubbing her nose in it.Originally Posted by sierra_g
EDIt
Just read the rest of your responses.
You need to give it more time and tell her that, a week is no way enough time to try and sort things out.
Last edited by Sandra; 04-24-2012 at 02:10 PM.
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
I find it very strange that often CDs draw a conclusion that someone hates CDing. Take for example Scarlet. She used the word twice.
I have news for you guys. Just because someone chooses to have no dealing, contact, interest, desire to participate in CDing does not mean whatsoever that they hate CDing.
I just wanted to clarify this because a lot of you are very sensitive.
For the sake of a harmonious married life and security for the children, agree to stop. However explain to her that does not mean the desire to dress will go away as it is part of you but that you are making a sacrifice as an act of love for her.
Hopefully in time to come she will understand a little more and be more compliant.
Wow Sierra! I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My wife through the years has come close to this. She hates that I dress. What we did is to make sure that my dressing has the least impact on her life. I dress when I go away for work only. For me it is not that hard as I have an apartment in a different state and only dress there one week per month. See if you can compartmentalize Sierra away from your family. Clothes, wig and all things female only come out certain times and away from the family. Set boundaries both of you can abide by. Good Luck!
Charlie
you're not wrong there! will you just listen to yourself - you started this thread only yesterday - asking for help - people have taken time to answer and try to offer advice and help - and what have you done, totally ignored them and just gone blundering in again!
You must have known before you married your wife that she was a religious woman, likely as not she wasnt going to take the news about your cross-dressing very well. However, she tried to accommodate you and even participated to a degree but by the sound of things, you just wanted more and more. A woman doesnt often just turn against it for no reason, the reason is quite often that the husband goes into pink fog and pushes too far too fast!
Your reaction to your wife saying she would try to accept it and stay with you was relief that you could nows shave your legs and pits! how selfish and thoughtless can a person be! "try to accept it" does not interpret into "go ahead and make yourself look like a girl 24/7" which is what shaving your legs & pits does in a wife's eyes.
Mandy offered you an excellent insight into how us GG's feel and what upsets us - and offered excellent advice, she advised you to give it some time, but no, you went ahead and opened a dialogue that very evening and what happend - you got your wife's back up again and backed her into a corner by bringing up the subject too soon - so she retaliated by saying that she wouldnt share a bed with you. I'm not surprised.
And your reaction "I'm getting tired of this"
I am getting the impression that you want to nag and nag at the situation until you either get a complete agreement from your wife or she just kicks you to the kerb- but no problem as you've already lined yourself up a place to stay if the mucky stuff hits the fan - you cant even be bothered to give your dressing a rest for a month or two to get your wife back into a comfort zone again - you are pushing way too hard - if you really want to keep your wife and kids back off and let the dust settle.
I think Scarlet Rose nailed it (post #53). It's time to get CDing out of the wife's face.
Kate, it may be an assumption to say that my ex-wife hated CDing, but she sure hated MY CDing, and divorced me for it. That's a distinction without a difference.
Last edited by NicoleScott; 04-24-2012 at 05:28 PM.
This is exactly why I looked for this forum, signed up, and posted my story. I wanted you all to give me good advice. You all have. I am getting a general consensus that I need to put everything on hold for the time being and work on us while being hopeful that she will turn around and eventually be happier about the situation when it sinks in. You are right that pushing doesn't help a situation, and I am definitely not trying to push myself out the door. My selfish side would love single life again, but the rest of me would be miserable.
I work from home, and she is a housewife, and her mom is retired, so everyone is always home. This has really been building on us. It is an unneeded burden. I also requested that she start doing a bit more since she is going to be a housewife and that added a lot of fighting to our relationship. We are constantly fighting, but we do have good times for a few hours here and there. We do still love each other, we just also hate each other. It really is fun.
Also, depending on what plays out in the next few weeks with our insurance, wife was telling me that she found a therapist that will do marriage counseling and will work with our insurance. Hopefully they will be open minded and have good advice. She won't even look at this forum, despite multiple efforts and me telling her how much you all are bashing on me, lol.
Thank you all, I look forward to your responses. ♥
That last part is important. If you love each other but are constantly fighting you really both need to learn some new communications techniques. It is possible to discuss...not argue. But its takes an, effort to break bad old habits. Make the effort. Anne get professional help in learning how if you need it.
Hit the brakes, Thelma! You are gonna drive yourself straight off a cliff!
What are you asking her to do, since she is now a housewife? She is already in charge of the kids and she has her mother harping on her every waking moment of her day....what are you loading on that poor woman too?
Yes, slow your roll. No more pushing. Let her breathe without smelling perfume for a second. Give her a chance to clear her head. LEAVE IT ALONE. If you want to talk about crossdressing....do me a favor... log on here and chat away. Vent to us. Talk about whatever is floating your boat at that second, but do not, I repeat... DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
Yes, we all crave our single life at times. Everyone does. It was fun, we were young, we were good looking, we had sex with random people and not boring over done sex with the same person once a week, if that. I get it. We all know what it feels like. But, we are in reality. We have kids that need us. We made a commitment that ended that part of our lives. And like you said, for the most part it is a fun and happy experience. I will let you in on a secret...my marriage got BETTER when I accepted the CDing. We fight less. We are more romantic more often. We understand each other more. You will have that back. But you have GOT to give her time to sort this out on her own.
I wish she would read the crap that we are telling you. We all want to pull a Scarlet Rose with you and slap you into next week. You are nervous, scared, and wanting answers right now. I don't blame you, but pushing her is getting you nowhere fast. I think the marriage counseling will do you both some good! I hope it can start soon.
Real Men (Among Others!) Wear Panties
She has changed a bit for the better, but here was our typical day...
I woke up at 8, take my 2 (almost 3) year old down to potty, and I put her in front of a bowl of cereal.
I then went upstairs to my computer where I login to work. I worked till around 8:30, where I go down, get my daughter, and put her in her room with Disney or PBS. Back to work.
Around 9 or 9:30, my 1 year old daughter woke up and I stopped working, got her a sippy, changed her butt, gave her breakfast, and stuck her in with her sister. This is around 10am. Between 11:30 and 12, my wife woke up, did her morning ritual, and I brought the girls and her laptop down to her, where she sat on her butt playing Castleville and Angry Birds till 2, when I took lunch. She would make her and the kids' lunch and I would make mine.
I went upstairs to work again at 2:30 and I took the kids up with me for nap time. She did the dishes and picked up from lunch.
At 5, I got off work, grabbed the kids from their rooms and did what she didn't do (usually the dishes and counters).
At 5:30, I finished cleaning up and her mom comes in and makes dinner.
After dinner, I did the dishes and if the trash is full, I took it out.
At 9, we put in a load of laundry, started the dishwasher, and at 9:30, we both put the kids to bed.
At 1, we go to bed to start the process over.
On the weekends, her mom sweeps and mops the floor, we clean the bathroom and I did outside projects, and laundry (which doesn't usually get finished).
I finally stood up and said no more and after being very angry, she is a little bit better.
Last edited by sierra_g; 04-25-2012 at 11:15 PM.
I take my statement back. That's just lazy. She needs to care for the kids if she is going to be a stay at home mom! You have every right to be mad. I am mad just reading that!
Real Men (Among Others!
For a wife to opt to have her two girls grow up without a father in the house over an issue like crossdressing suggests to me that the issues go far deeper than mere crossdressing. The ultimatum simply doesn't balance out. To destroy one's family over so benign an issue doesn't make sense. Communication and counselling is in order here.
Any money found in the laundry is MINE!
"This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"
www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/
I am really pleased to read that you are taking note Sierra - sometimes we all just need a slap up side the head to make us wake and smell the coffee and I have to say fair play to you for taking the "verbal bashings" on the chin.
As for your wife, from what you say, it sounds as though she is taking this gynosupremacy rthing a wee bit too far - she's got you running around like a headless chicken waiting on her - you've kinda dug yourself into a hole with it.
You have got two seperate and rather difficult problems going on right now - 1. to get your wife to buck up and start being a wife and mother - rather than a "princess"
2. to prove to your wife that CD'ing isnt the be all and end all of your life and that its part of you but not all of you and is no threat to her or your kids.
Its very difficult to offer really decent and sound advice from just hearing one side of the story but IMO I think its worth really putting the CD thing on a back burner for now and concentrating on easing your wife into being more housewifely. If she gets a bit more to do maybe she will have less time to think about how horrendous the idea of CD'ing is.
Your own place has got to be the priority - it cant be good for either of you to have mother-in-law peering over your shoulders all day every day - its unhealthy! I'd rather live in a hovel than live with in-laws!
Just an update, not acting on it.
Last night, I told my SO that I want to put the CD on hold and that I won't go any further because we need to work on us and our relationship. My SO told me it is too late. She is done with me as her lover and I am now as she put it "Just like my gay best friend". I told her I am not gay, but she said that it doesn't matter. We will still be married, we will still share a bed, but that is as far as it goes. I can CD all I want as long as the kids aren't involved.
I was able to show her the forum last night and she said that it is very "pro-CD" and she didn't like it because of that. I asked her what she was looking for and she said she wanted something not quite as pro-CD. I think she needs to make an account on here so she can see the religious and the FAB forum. Maybe that would help. She was upset that I wouldn't let her see this thread, and that I asked her to let this be my private thread, and she shut down completely even though I told her what was in it for the most part. I didn't tell her about what I have said about her, as it would upset her.
I am going to take a break on the CD and see if I can't put us back without her help. We shall see.
Thank you all, and as always any advice is helpful.
PS. I added an avatar of my painted eyes. What do you think?
Taking a break might be good, but your wife has serious problems, and her mother is an enabler, maybe kind hearted, I don't know, but she needs to butt the heck out. I can see why your wife will not say anything. Your children are being shortchanged, as are you.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
Sierra, she sounds done. Your crossdressing has nothing to do with it. This is all within her.
She needs help. Fast.
Real Men (Among Others!
Regardless of what your wife says, its a good thing to take a break and let this intense period of emotions subside. Your wife's comments are clearly based in thinly veiled anger. Dont even talk to her about this subject for a period of time, and let her be the one to bring it up.
As for her feeling that the site is "pro-CD" well, here's the deal. If she's looking for empathy or information about CDing from a variety of perspectives, including SOs (both supportive and not) she can find it here. If she's looking for someone to confirm and reinforce her prejudices...she'll have to go somewhere else.
Yeah, last night, I asked her if she was looking for an anti-CD site.
She read a bunch of threads last night and what I saw was even the GG's that were at wits end with their CD or TG SO's, since there were sympathetic and understanding replies, it was too Pro for her. I think she was looking purely for a thread that had 10 or 15 SO's that were hurt, irritated, etc without any positive, a place to wallow in pity if you will. Pretty much a support group pity party.
So, because you can't live with the thought of someone else helping raise your children, it is ok to pull her along?? She gave you an out when she told you that she didn't like it and didn't want to deal with it. I am reading this correctly that you are going to make her wait until her RETIREMENT years to leave you because of the dressing when she asked for it years and years before hand!?!?! She could have been happily married to someone that loved HER (and not just the kids) this entire time, but because of you choosing to lie to her, she has been stuck in a situation that she has no say in.
Wow.
Hahahah! Yeah. That's called the FAB forum! Tell her to post 10 times, do a phone interview, and then she can wallow away all she wants!
Last edited by MandyGG; 04-25-2012 at 11:47 AM.
Real Men (Among Others!
Sierra, I wouldnt totally write off your marriage just yet - your wife is sounding very angry and hurt. We females can be pretty hateful when we feel threatened - you know the adage "hell hath no wrath like a women scorned" well it's true - believe me, I am speaking from experience!
Let me tell you this, when I found out about my husband's CD'ing I went from shocked, dumbstruck, hurt, angry, ok with it, right against it, wanting to leave him, wanting to hug him - and loads of in-betweens. I still get times when I wish it would just go away. To be totally honest, I think a lot of SO's would really just like the whole CD thing to go away. I doubt that many would actively seek a relationship with a CD'er - however, it isnt going away and for the most part I have come to accept this part of my husband because I love him and he's worth the effort.
As Kim above suggests, I wouldnt even mention CD'ing to your wife, or the forum, or anything to do with it at all. Try to concentrate on the good times if you can,and show your wife that you really are a straight man, and her husband, and you love her. If she is still sleeping in the same bed with you then there is some hope.
This is a support site - but not just for CD'ers - its also a site which supports the SO's of CD'ers that can or cant get her head around her partner's CD'ing. If we want to bitch and moan and have a pity party, we can do so - in the private FAB forum. So if and when your wife is ready to find out the truth about CD'ing and you, we would welcome her with open arms and offer her all the support she needs.
Sooner or later your wife will come to a stage where she can either accept none, some or all of what Cd'ing entails but at the moment she just needs time to calm down and realise that nothing about you has really changed. She was reasonably accepting once, hopefully she can be again. She really needs very careful handling at the moment.
Yes, I don't plan at all to call it quits. I love my SO and kids and am trying my hardest to be what she needs right now. I will keep attempting to get her to sign up and make a go of it.
I wouldn't say that I haven't changed at all, she says that I act more feminine. I don't see it much, but sometimes I catch it. Sometimes when no one is looking, I even attempt it.
Hopefully we will start growing together again soon, but if it takes a bit, I hope we are ready.
Thanks!
"Hahahah! Yeah. That's called the FAB forum! Tell her to post 10 times, do a phone interview, and then she can wallow away all she wants!"
Hmmmm, Mandy, I take exception to that statement......when my husband first came out to me and I found this forum and joined it was/is the ONLY support I had at the time. I don't see it as a place "to wallow in self pity". It is because of some of the feedback, opinions and support (yours included) that I have been able to come as far as I have with my husband. I honestly don't think I was having a "pity party". After 29 yrs of marriage to find out my husband is TG was earth shattering. I was near a mental breakdown, a far cry from "wallowing in self pity" I don't pity myself, I am scared and humbled all at the same time. You have not walked in anyones shoes but YOUR OWN....
As for you Sierra,
You have been given great advice, it's up to you to take it or ignore it. I can understand where your wife is coming from, I only wish my husband was simply a CD. CD'ing I can handle without a second thought. My situation is way more complicated but you do need to slow down, get your footing in your family and financial life, get a place of your own for you your wife and children and let her breathe. It's a lot to take in and not all of us are as "strong" emotionally as others. From what you describe of your wife's daily routine, she is suffering from depression, all the classic signs are there. She appears to have no interest in being a "mommy" or a wife, ie: taking the kids to play outside or to the park....reading them a story at naptime, having lunch with you all together as a family, HER MOM comes home and cooks dinner and YOU do the dishes She is not the adult, she is now the child again, livinig at home with mom etc. etc. etc.
She needs help, and fast, the cd issue you two have is only the tip of the iceberg my dear. Take it from someone who's been on the depression path for most of my life. Depression is hard enough, but when you add other life changing events happen in your marriage it can push her over the edge. I'm very worried for you and your family.....Please seek professional help soon......
Awww. Purse, you know I meant no harm to your situation. I was just making a general statement that it was allowed to happen in the FAB forum. I wasn't saying that your post was one. Please don't take it personally.
Sierra, Thank you for answering my questions last night in PM's. I do wish the best for you two. Like I said, she needs some serious support right now. I think you know what needs to be done. Go save your wife and your marriage before its too late for both.
Real Men (Among Others!
TY Mandy, I appreciate your apology. It's just that I don't play in to the pity party, here or in the FAB forum. I don't have time for it. If I want to have a party, it sure as hell wouldn't be a pity party.....those aren't much fun.....♥
♥'s
Cath
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