I had thought that I had finally accepted this part of me. However, there is still a war going on. I have found that my desire to dress and express my feminine side comes and goes like the tide. I will find myself shopping for lingerie one time and the next time I'm repulsed by what I have done.
When I feel the feminine side come out I want to look beautiful and prissy. When that goes away I feel depressed and confused about what just happend. I know that I am intrigued and turned on by women's clothes and feeling feminine. But there is still this part of me that sees this as being a freak. I feel ashamed because I believe that God sees all and that God would never allow me into heaven because of this.
I am working very hard to find a GF. I really want one, but I am scared to death to let her into this side of me. That everyone is going to make me the butt of their jokes if I were ever outted. I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what others think, but I can't. I have always cared about what people think of me. I have been known to actually loose sleep because someone was mad at me.
when my femm side comes out I have been very brazen lately. I have gone to my local mall and bought lingerie from VS. Went to Target and bought a TON of makeup. I could have easily been seen. I want to slow this thing down and put it away, but I don't know if I can.
I should also mention that I am a single father. I have sole custody of my boys (6 and 8). Their Mom is not involved in their lives. They need their Dad and I can't afford to break down. They mean the world to me.
Does this ever get any easier?
Am I going crazy? I feel like it. Should I buy a staight jacket and admit myself to the psych unit?
~Amy Lynn