Betrayed

[Raquel June]

I'm quite amazed at the number of people in this thread who overlooked the fact that Lola and her husband had agreed that the dressing should stay in the bedroom. Why should she not feel betrayed when her husband just unilaterally rips up that agreement with no warning?

Like I said, it certainly sounds like he's the one in the wrong here, but "betrayed" is a pretty strong word, and there are a lot of details left out.

Recently I came home from work and found my SO totally dressed and ready to go out. To say the least I was shocked- it had always stayed in the bedroom which we both agreed upon.

We need details about this agreement. If it had always stayed in the bedroom, why was an agreement needed? Why bring it up? Because he told you that he didn't want it to always stay in the bedroom? If so, then maybe you should feel betrayed, but why would you be shocked if you already knew it was something he wanted to do?

It's an incredibly suspicious way of stating the situation.

I only pee in the bathroom. I do not go outside and pee on the sidewalk next to my apartment. But my landlord has never asked me to agree not to pee on the sidewalk. If I had to make a verbal agreement with my landlord not to pee on the sidewalk, that in itself means something strange is going on.

It sounds like you knew it was something he wanted to do, so you tried to tell him not to, and he tried to keep it in the closet so you would leave him alone. And then he resented it, so he decided he was going to do what he wanted. And now this happened. He should've had the balls to tell you how he felt instead of just doing it. But it's hardly surprising.

[Kate17]

Lola, as you can see, there are as many answers as there are members here. I can only give you my opinion. Don't feel betrayed. I thought I could surpress the urge to dress but I find it very difficult if not impossible. My wife puts up with my dressing and I have a girls nightout several times a month. But I find that the desire to dress has become stronger, not less as I thought it would. So did I lie when I told her it would eventually go away ? I don't think so but she might. I would love to integrete it into our life but she is not that accepting. Just understand that some of us can not or are not able to stop the flood of emotional satisfaction that is a result of expriencing our feminine side.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Lola, if i had a spouse who participated like you do, i would be talking to you all day and all night if I wanted more. In your So's defense, is it possible he assumed you wouldn't have a problem with it because everything else went so well? I'm not excusing the fact he didn't tell you he wanted to do this, nor implying that you tacitly approved it, just wondering if he didn't get caught up in the moment and thought you wouldn't mind.

[Barbara Ella]

Lola, i can only relate what I am doing along a similar line, and hope that the two of you can sit down and determine exactly what he was thinking and going to be doing. doing in violation of an agreed to boundary. And yes, sometimes our pink fog gets the best of us and we do dumb things, seldom maliciously.

About 8 weeks ago my wife went from a supportive, dress whenever, to a total DADT position, and wanted nothing to do with any mention of dressing. In my mind I took this to mean as long as it was ket from her I was free to do my thing. I went out 4 times, as posted here.

Well, Sunday night she wanted to talk,and she said she was ready to talk about it, and wanted to be included in knowing how i was progressing (only dressing for 9 months). She wanted to know what I had been doing, so i told her. She reacted as expected to my going out, and set a boundary that I would not leave the house enfemme to go out in our town. I was free to drive to another town, get a room, and dress and go out. She has serious issues with a friend seeing me in our town, and it impacting her/our position. I totally support this, and given her desire to discuss and know, and let me go out if I choose, it can work.

I know that the two of you can talk this out and determine exactly why he thought it was Ok for him to go out. He should be willing to recognize your boundaries and work within them. Sit down and be honest and make sure he knows your comfort levels, and can live within them. You need to know his desires/needs, and reach an agreement you both can live with.

Barbara

[Rianna Humble]

Like I said, it certainly sounds like he's the one in the wrong here, but "betrayed" is a pretty strong word, and there are a lot of details left out.

The details of how he was dressed and exactly what he intended to do outside of the marital home are incidental to the betrayal of trust evidenced by deciding to break his word to his wife.

If you discuss things with your wife and give her your word that you will do something (whether CD related or not) then unilaterally decide that your word to her meant nothing, then you are betraying her trust.

[mbmeen12]

Totally un-acceptable, failure to communicate! You are special and your CD SO is lucky to have you. Action plan is to sit CD SO down and set the ground rules again and failure to listen are the decisions your CD SO will live with. Sounds parental but it takes two in a family...The penalty ramifications for deceit is up to you...

[Kathy4ever]

Were the ground rules talked about before or were they just assumed. Like many have suggested communication is the key. He is a lucky to have you and be happy with what you have been doing. Many on here would be thrilled to get to do what you have been doing. If you are uncomfortable with his progression then please talk about it in a normal conversation. I really hate it when my wife is negative. I will listen better when she has normal conversations than when that negative rises up. I put up a stone wall in my defense. No one like to be attacked.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Hi Lola, sorry you are having problems now, when you thought things were going so well. Communication is the key - yes maybe your OH just assumed you would be cool with him going out, as you had been ok with dressing in the bedroom etc. Unfortunately some guys can be a bit thick when it comes to women's feelings, they might just need things spelt out for them. No offence intended to the guys but they are just not made the same as we GG's are and their emotions are just not like ours. Quite often they really dont know what they say or do annoys or upsets us.

You really need to sit down with your OH and discuss things calmly, and try not to get angry.

Ask him exactly what he wants from the CD'ing, how far he expects to be able to take it, wanting to go out alone or with you etc. and then tell him what you are prepared to agree to and what you feel comfortable with. Somewhere you should be able to meet in the middle so that both of you feel ok with the situation.
This isnt all about what he wants, neither is it all about what you will allow - both parties have needs and expectations and two sensible adults who love each other should be able to discuss the situation and compromise to the greater good of each other and the relationship.

Get in your 10 posts and come and join us GG's in the FAB forum - we would love to have you there.

SP x

[linda allen]

The responses are all over the place, but the bottom line is, Lola hasn't provided enough details for anyone to give a really good response.

Lola, we need to know a lot more about your relationship and exactly what was going on.

[Di]

Hello glad you are here:D
As everyone has said TALK
Find out...has he gone out before....where was he going...
Just know for most ( not all) they get to the point where they feel the need to go out.
You can get some things you both are comfortable with....there are tg/cd groups where you can attend meetings...safe places to go ect
But bottom line.....tell him you need to be on the same page and do not want surprises. He needs to open up with his thoughts and feelings on this.
It is not the end of the world...trust me....you can figure out between the both of you.

[Babeba]

We need details about this agreement. If it had always stayed in the bedroom, why was an agreement needed? Why bring it up? Because he told you that he didn't want it to always stay in the bedroom? If so, then maybe you should feel betrayed, but why would you be shocked if you already knew it was something he wanted to do?

It's an incredibly suspicious way of stating the situation.

I only pee in the bathroom. I do not go outside and pee on the sidewalk next to my apartment. But my landlord has never asked me to agree not to pee on the sidewalk. If I had to make a verbal agreement with my landlord not to pee on the sidewalk, that in itself means something strange is going on.

It sounds like you knew it was something he wanted to do, so you tried to tell him not to, and he tried to keep it in the closet so you would leave him alone. And then he resented it, so he decided he was going to do what he wanted. And now this happened. He should've had the balls to tell you how he felt instead of just doing it. But it's hardly surprising.

The time I rented in an apartment building, my lease DID actually cover peeing outside te bathroom! Ah, they joys of living downtown.

Regardless, you say you will do/not do something you should stick to it. SOs do often grow in their comfort levels, but it is slower/nonexistent when we are ignored or deceived or misdirected.

[Raquel June]

Hey! I'm not defending lying to your wife! The relationships I've ended (well, the serious ones) have mostly been because I was lied to. I'm just sayin', this situation's fishy, and calling it "betrayal" is just too dramatic without more complete information.

I know that the smallest lie is a betrayal of sorts, but there's a difference between "you said you weren't going to wear that, and you lied!" and "you said you weren't going to F my sister, and you lied!"

[Lola14U]

Thank you for your kind words. In reviewing most of the posts I realize I didnt do a good job outlining the situation to give a clear picture. Most are right we didnt sit down and say this dress up is only in the bedroom, however, we called it bedroom playtime. I truly believed that is what it was- nor was it extreme. I came home from work because I was sick. I intended to call him at work once I got home. When I got home, I found her standing by the front door heading out with the look of fear on her face. My immediate reaction was I am going to kick her *ss and then go upstairs and kick my hubby's *ss for having an affair... only for those thoughts to turn to confusion as I realized it was my hubby.

I did not realize the strong desire he had for this and has had for a lifetime. It had not been shared with me. Call me naive - but somehow I missed that memo for 15 plus years.

Since this has occured, we have had some conversations. I have not agreed to any boundaries as I am unsure how I feel about it or my comfort level. I have just requested some time to digest it all. During those conversations he has communicated to me that he has strong urges etc. to where I feel like it almost doenst matter what my boundaries are -- if he cant control then what?

When the time is right I will sit down and discuss the boundaries- I feel this website has helped me understand this more- but I wont deny I dont like sharing my information. It was very difficult for me to write the little I did. I am just trying to listen to what he has to say when we discuss it, read as much on here as I can, and figure out how I will accept.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my note. It lifted some of my burden

[Lorileah]

My immediate reaction was I am going to kick her *ss and then go upstairs and kick my hubby's *ss for having an affair... only for those thoughts to turn to confusion as I realized it was my hubby.

Well then he looks passable

I did not realize the strong desire he had for this and has had for a lifetime. It had not been shared with me. Call me naive - but somehow I missed that memo for 15 plus years.

Don't beat yourself up on this. You are preaching to the choir. You would be surprised how many women didn't know. CD's are good at hiding it until they want to get caught. Get 4 more posts so you can join the GG section here and you will get the real scoop. I am worried about him going out in the middle of the day but maybe that is the only time he felt you would not catch him dressed (maybe he was going to McDonald's)

Since this has occured, we have had some conversations. I have not agreed to any boundaries as I am unsure how I feel about it or my comfort level. I have just requested some time to digest it all. During those conversations he has communicated to me that he has strong urges etc. to where I feel like it almost doenst matter what my boundaries are -- if he cant control then what?

he can and will agree to limits if he wants you to stay. This is rarely an uncontrollable compulsion (if it is he needs to have professional help...not to stop but to be able to be in control.). You sound like you are willing to work, he should realize that he is ahead of the game compared to many on here. Neither one of you will "win" if you don't remain flexible. On the other hand this could be a really good thing for your relationship because now you can talk and he can be candid. I hope it works out.

[Mimi]

When the time is right I will sit down and discuss the boundaries- I feel this website has helped me understand this more- but I wont deny I dont like sharing my information. It was very difficult for me to write the little I did. I am just trying to listen to what he has to say when we discuss it, read as much on here as I can, and figure out how I will accept.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my note. It lifted some of my burden

I understand your feelings about sharing details. I am a very private person myself, and have a hard time writing about things in a forum. But it has helped me, and you are doing the right thing by sharing some of your feelings and details in an attempt to further your own understanding of the situation. Don't expect to accept everything all at once. Your SO has had many years to accept himself and to grow and develop his nature. You have just had a few days. It will take time, and your own feelings will fluctuate as you go through this with your spouse--this is all totally normal. Do keep posting so you can get your ten posts in and apply to FAB--it's been very helpful to me.

[Raquel June]

But what was his story??? Where was he going? How was he dressed? What time of day was it?

You still haven't really given any info that can help people give you any insight.

Maybe you work the night shift, and you came home at midnight and he was dressed like a prostitute and headed out to a club to try to hook up with somebody. Or maybe he had some kind of afternoon hookup he found on Craigslist that he was going to meet.

OR

Maybe he just really needed to have some personal dress-up time and was dressed like a normal woman and was just going to go to the mall or maybe just drive around, and you really shouldn't be angry.

One of them is a huge betrayal and you should divorce him, and the other one is totally innocent and you should try to get him to be more open. But who knows which one it is.

If you honestly don't know what he was up to, that's a bad sign.

[Lorileah]

But what was his story??? Where was he going? How was he dressed? What time of day was it?

You still haven't really given any info that can help people give you any insight.

Maybe you work the night shift, and you came home at midnight and he was dressed like a prostitute and headed out to a club to try to hook up with somebody. Or maybe he had some kind of afternoon hookup he found on Craigslist that he was going to meet.

OR

Maybe he just really needed to have some personal dress-up time and was dressed like a normal woman and was just going to go to the mall or maybe just drive around, and you really shouldn't be angry.

One of them is a huge betrayal and you should divorce him, and the other one is totally innocent and you should try to get him to be more open. But who knows which one it is.

If you honestly don't know what he was up to, that's a bad sign.

Maybe I am reading more into this but it sort of says "I was sick, he was supposed to be at work, I was going to call hime when I got home"

Specifically it says

I came home from work because I was sick. I intended to call him at work once I got home. When I got home, I found her standing by the front door heading out with the look of fear on her face. My immediate reaction was I am going to kick her *ss and then go upstairs and kick my hubby's *ss for having an affair... only for those thoughts to turn to confusion as I realized it was my hubby.

If nothing else he was supposed to be at work and wasn't. Sort of says "Hey, I am sneaking around" for whatever reason, even if sneaking out for a gallon of milk.

[Raquel June]

Sort of says "Hey, I am sneaking around" for whatever reason, even if sneaking out for a gallon of milk.

Yeah, but if he's just sneaking out for a gallon of milk and she flies off the handle and says "YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!" then who's the crazy one here?

[Lorileah]

Yeah, but if he's just sneaking out for a gallon of milk and she flies off the handle and says "YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!" then who's the crazy one here?

I don't remember discussing sanity. Somebody skipped work, without telling their SO, I don't care if it was just to watch porn all day. It is a sneaky underhanded thing. OK, back to the OP then. I'm outta this

[NicoleScott]

Lola, as you continue to talk, make sure you tell him not to agree to terms that he can't keep. And you, too.

[ReineD]

I came home from work because I was sick. I intended to call him at work once I got home. When I got home, I found her standing by the front door heading out with the look of fear on her face.

Hi Lola, welcome!

This very much sounds like "do it now, ask for permission later".

There is a natural progression to the CDing (for most CDers). It can begin in the bedroom with lingerie type clothes, then progresses to skirts, heels, wigs, makeup. At this stage many CDers may dress as close to a sexy image of a woman as they can (the fishnets, mini skirts, stilettos, big boobs) and may to go to GLBT nightclubs, where CDers are generally welcome. After a while there is often a desire to refine the appearance and tone it down, so as to blend into the non-nightclub crowds better (and therefore not be read as a CDers), and go out into the mainstream. Not all CDers go through the "clubby" look stage.

If your husband is hiding the fact that he's been going out dressed, my first question would be how long he's been doing this, and why didn't he tell you. If I were to guess, I'd say that he was afraid you'd say no, or he is afraid to tell you how deep is his need to express femininity. He may even be questioning his own gender right now.

If he looked passable enough that you didn't recognize him, then he may have been doing this for a while. Not that there's anything wrong with this, my SO goes out in the mainstream as well (alone or with me), but there is still betrayal in the sense that your husband hasn't been disclosing everything to you. He minimized his needs, preferring to have you believe the CDing is nothing more than a bedroom kink. I don't blame you for being upset ... not over the CDing, but over not having been kept in the loop.

I wish you both all the best as you put everything on the table and begin a series of serious discussions about this. You can both get through this, but it will take complete honesty and also both of you having an ability to compromise. If your husband isn't a member here, please do suggest that he join, and also you might want to join FAB. The details are in the *Announcements* link next to FAB on the forum Index page.

[lowxr]

It's obvious you love and care for each other, 15 years is a long investment, have that discussion but openly and honestly and find a solution. Some of us can only wish for the understanding better half you appear to be.

[Raquel June]

I don't remember discussing sanity. Somebody skipped work, without telling their SO, I don't care if it was just to watch porn all day. It is a sneaky underhanded thing. OK, back to the OP then. I'm outta this

I'm sorry, but if you take some personal time off and your spouse flies off the handle and declares that they have been betrayed because you didn't consult them first, then you're married to a psycho.

Obviously, in this case, there is more going on. And as I've said before the husband is probably in the wrong. But give me a break about the "sneaky underhanded" business of having to ask your wife before you do anything. That's the kind of overbearing personality that makes people feel they have to be sneaky. There's no mutual respect.

[Babeba]

One thing I told my cousin in high school: 'if you aren't comfortable enough to talk with your boyfriend about disease and protection before you have sex, you aren't ready to do it.'

I think the same could apply in cross dressing families, too: if you are not comfortable with talking about going outside with your spouse, probably you may want to think twice about doing it! What if it had been a friend of Lola who happened to see this other woman exiting the house in the middle of the day? What if it were a neighbour? What if that person mentioned it to another person? These are realistic possibilities, and everyone living in the house may be affected in one way or another.

Also: everyone is entitled to their feelings. Most of them will end up, in the long run, resolving themselves one way or another. Discovering that a partner crossdresses really is the beginning of an emotional journey that can be intense and long (or short and uneventful, if you're lucky). However: every shred of anguish, of frustration, of happiness, of satisfaction, of hurt and of uncertainty is valid to the person who experiences it. It's not fair to trivialize those emotions, because we really cannot control that part of our reaction.

[Rianna Humble]

But what was his story??? Where was he going? How was he dressed? What time of day was it?

None of that is relevant to the fact that the OP and her husband had an agreement that the cross-dressing stayed in the bedroom and the husband betrayed the agreement.

Maybe I am reading more into this but it sort of says "I was sick, he was supposed to be at work, I was going to call hime when I got home"

Give it up Lori, Raquel is determined to blame the OP for the fact that her husband broke his agreement.