Trying to accept that I am a transsexual

[Raquel June]

The sad truth is that no matter how much you love your wife, this is not a good relationship. There will be no happy ending. And the sadder truth is that it often takes years -- or even the rest of one of your lives -- to figure it out.

I used to always think it was ridiculous for people to stay in a relationship with someone who didn't accept who they were. I mean, if you wanna be female and she wants you to pretend like you're a regular dude, how much does she really want to be with you? And then I went and got into the same situation. I was mid-transition when I met a woman who was super into me and super supportive. Then about 18 months later she decided she didn't want to be a lesbian. And I did the same thing. I actually stayed with her and de-transitioned. And surprise surprise, she knew I was miserable and she knew I wasn't the guy she wanted to be with.

It's hard to come to terms with our issues because we feel ridiculous. I go through this train of thought all the time. But thankfully I get to the bottom of the list pretty fast these days.



I'm ridiculous.

Obsessing about gender issues is ridiculous.

Making your life more difficult when you don't have to is ridiculous.

...

But wanting to be in a relationship isn't ridiculous.

...

I will never be in a good relationship pretending to be a man.

...

So that makes transitioning and being myself very important.



And not transitioning will probably make you miserable. Maybe you'd be OK not to transition. Maybe that's not what you need. But being in a relationship with someone who is 100% not OK with who you are is probably not the road to happiness. Seriously. She knows who you are. And even if you try your hardest to man up, she's still going to know about your issues in the back of her mind. And she's still going to know that who you are inside is not who she wants to be with.

In the long run, you've gotta stop fighting this every day. Ya gotta be a little more Buddhist. You've gotta let go of attachments and take the road of least resistance. I know, there's plenty difficulty in being transsexual, but someday you'll realize that doing what you have to do actually is the path of least resistance. Not fighting yourself and your wife every day.

edit-

I mean, I know it sounds harsh to essentially say your relationship is doomed, but what are your options? Repairative therapy doesn't work. And if you want this to be a good relationship, you'd pretty much have to convince her that you have no desire to be feminine. But that would probably never be true. And you'd probably never convince her if it was. She's just going to get more and more resentful/disgusted over the years.

There are people in the world who will accept you. Don't you want to be happy?

And there are guys in the world who don't have gender issues. Doesn't she want to be happy?

How many years do ya wanna keep on trying to make it work? 20? 30? What's the cutoff for throwing in the towel?

You shouldn't get divorced just because you have some problems. People are way too quick to get divorced. But when someone realizes they're gay, it's probably time to find someone to go be gay with. How asinine is it when gay people try to stay in relationships with hetero people? But it happens. A lot of gay people try for many years to convince themselves they can stay in a hetero relationship.

And when someone realizes they're trans, it's probably time to find someone who's OK with that. It's just as ridiculous to try to repress that and make both of you miserable.