Stash was found out, what should i do...

[Stephanie47]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

[Alice B]

At minimum I feel you should tell, scold, your mom for going thru your room. There is no excuse for such behavour. The elephant that has been placed on your back is not going to get any smaller and may gain weight. Tell her the truth, away from your brother and make it clear to her that this is not something to be spoken of again, to anyone.

[Lorileah]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

[bobbimo]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

Brilliant Lori! Thats the best advice I've heard about this issue ever.
Merry Christmas
Bobbi

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'll be the voice of dissension here. If them knowing about you will cause you really burn bridges with them, I would not tell them; tell them they belong to a girl you had living there or something. Odds are given your age, and the fact we are in the worst economy since the Great Depression, you will have to ask them for help in some form sometime in the future. It is very common for people your age to move back home or have to ask their parents for money. It is a good idea to have someone to turn to, don't burn any bridges unless you absolutely can't avoid it.

[mikiSJ]

When I was your age, after two years in 'Nam and no longer living in my parents house, my mother felt it necessary to be involved in every aspect of my life. She would visit at very inconvenient times. When I anwered the phone in my apartement (pre-cell days) she would pick up the extension. She would open my mail.

I told her I didn't want her intrusion, and when she wouldn't give it up, I "divorced" her. While we continued to see each other on holidays, she was never allowed to visit me, let alone go through my stuff.

It sounds like you aren't there yet, but absent un-pickable locks on your bedroom door, you need to do something! You are an adult and your mother's ability to be in your life ended when you moved out.

[Claire Cook]

Rachel, I wish I had an answer for you, but we all have different situations. Part of me wants to agree with Lorileah and Reine, who are always sources of good advice. On the other hand, this may cause a breach with your family. My mom knew I would get into her clothes, and probably knew about my fake boobs and stash -- but she could never bring herself to talk about it, and I couldn't either. Maybe it would have better if she knew that she did have the daughter she always wanted, but I don't know. Sooner or later I guess your family will know, I guess the question is when. But 3 WEEKS together? Seems like the subject is likely to come up again.

Take up Allie on her offer -- I was in SFO several weeks ago, and felt right at home as Claire.

[Babeba]

If you DO move, and they visit you again, I (if i were you) would make sure that there were no extra keys for them, so when you left they would have to spend the day sightseeing somewhere other than your closet!

I also would say, "I feel that you don't need any explanation for things you found out by snooping. I am upset you went through my things, and if not getting to know everything will remind you of that, you don't get to know everything."

With a mother like that, no wonder your brother is super careful about privacy!

[HannahF6]

As others have said, you should feel OK. They were under your roof and being inquisitive is not defensible, in fact it is thoroughly despicable. Lie to them if that seems to be working, or throw them out and tell them to keep their noses in thirs own stuff. Personally, I'd avoid the lieing because that can get you into trouble farther down the line, but if it works, go for it.

Hannah

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have read all the advise with great interest, because I wanted to see what others thought (and because I didn't/don't have my own advise to give). It seems things have calmed down and the situation is not as bad as you thought. Perhaps review things in a week or two and see how you feel and take action/no action then.

[becky77]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

So true you could have been writing about my own mother. Made life growing up very difficult I couldn't own anything, she would hunt it out, snoop through everything out of pure noseyness. To think she would do that in my own home!

Rachel I feel so fed up for you, that intrusion is beyond rude. You need to stand up and face her down with which of these is the greater misdemeanor, you have gone into mother-child mode but you are in your own home and you are an adult. Do not stand for it, take the initiative start of by berating them for their outrageous abuse of your hospitality. Then maybe just tell them they have no right to question you on something that you have kept secret in your own home, and unless they realise they are bang out of order and wish to treat you with a little respect you will tell them nothing. They will fear the unknown more than the truth.
It's a horrible situation because you have chosen to keep this secret and someone who you should be able to trust has betrayed you basically, I find that very hurtful. Be strong remember you have done nothing wrong here.
If they don't like the answers then they shouldn't have gone spying.

Please don't let them make you feel bad enough you start purging and self hating, that will just hurt you even more in the long run.

I wish you all the best.

Becky

Wow, thank you very much for all your replies! I wasn't expecting so much response.

I totally agree with all of you. I am entitled to my own privacy. I had a lot of trouble with parents for this in the past. On their last visit, my mom decided it was a good idea if she cleaned my bedroom for me. I told her not to, and she felt hurt and all that, in her mind I think it was as if she was offering a good gift to me and I was refusing it, which should be very rude. Anyway, one day I was at work, she decided I would be very happy if she cleaned it, even after telling her not to. I wasn't quite expecting that, I had a much smaller stash back then, which luckily went unnoticed. I was very upset and all that, it got very nasty, she said she would go back home saying i wasn't happy to see them. I never got to convince her she was wrong, whenever I touch the subject she will be very hurt. Nonetheless, she at least promised she wouldn't touch my stuff again. But she entirely failed to keep this promise, I should have been more careful... At the same time I didn't have anywhere else to hide it. To make matters worse, they are coming a long way to see me, long as in 6000 miles away (it is a long story about how both me and my brother ended up at the same distant place). While I appreciate they coming this far, it only makes it easier to hurt them consider they had a significant effort to come this far. Also they are my parents and I don't want to hurt them... I also believe that the search for a pillow was honest, she just don't understand why I need privacy, whenever i tell her that there are things I don't want them to know, she just say "what could that possibly be?", "well, the fact that I crossdress for example" is what i think =P. So I want the least hurtful way out of this mess.

Lying is not a good way out at this point, a fake gf would only raise further questions to which i would have to lie again. Yes, they would want to know everything there is about this gf... And I'm a terrible liar... And my mom is just the kind of person that loves to scrutinize everything.

I think my approach will be not to say anything, just ignore the elephant in the room, and hope the 3 weeks will go by as fast as possible. Which is usually the only thing that remotely works with my parents. I don't feel like talking to them about it at all.

-Rachel

Sorry Rachel just need to address this quickly.
Stop taking the blame!! I have had a lifetime of this from a very very similar mom, it's basically emotional blackmail and you have become so used to it that you can't see the woods for the trees anymore.
I don't doubt your mom loves you but she is controlling you, she most likely can't let go of her children. Until she sees you as an adult you will forever be apologising everytime you 'hurt' her because you didn't do what she wanted.
It's fantastic they came 6000 miles to see you and i'm sure you had your reasons for moving that far. But that isn't a reason to lie down and be trodden on. There is no point lying, they already know it's all about how to deal with it now.

All the best

Becky