Stash was found out, what should i do...

[Rachel87]

tldr;

Ok, so, first here is some context about my life.
I moved out of my parent's house a couple of years ago because i was going to work in a different city, it turns out that my brother moved to the same city so we decided to share an apartment. So over the years I started to build a nice wardrobe, my brother never knew about it. He also would never touches my stuff, so there was no risk of him finding out by accident. All was ok for some time. I feel dressing is something somewhat intimate about me, I don't feel like sharing it with just anybody, even less my family. In fact, I haven't dressed up in while actually, nor I felt like doing so in a while. I was thinking my interest in it was fading away, and I was even considering purging at this point...

Now what happened. My parents decided to come over for the holidays, knowing they don't have a lot of respect for privacy, I took some care to make sure my clothes were hidden properly. It turned out it wasn't enough. Because they were just looking for a pillow, they searched every corner of my bedroom while I was away. Then, guess what, they found it. So when I got home, my mom started to interrogate me about it. I didn't know what to do and there was really no good excuse for that amount of clothes so I just refused to answer anything. At first it seemed she thought it belonged to some secret gf, which I don't have... Then she proceeded to ask my brother about it (who had no idea about it), if he knew who owned those. He just said he didn't know about it. At this point I was so embarrassed... I got stuck, i had no idea how the react, and questions kept pouring from my mom's mouth. I just locked myself in my bedroom, geez, i feel like a teenager all over again. I have no idea how to face this situation now, moreover, they are staying for 3 more weeks, which at best will be 3 long awkward weeks. Even after that, it should still be awkward between me and my brother, we are good friends and all, but we don't the intimacy for this kind of thing... I feel like disappearing. One thing for sure, I really want to keep this away from them. Gosh, it just feels so weird to think about coming out to them. No, not an option... argh.... Moreover, my family is in general very homophobic...

[AmyGaleRT]

Heavens, Rachel, that's rough. About the only thing I can say for sure is that your parents are clearly in the wrong. While you were under their roof, going through your things might have been justifiable, if still somewhat less than nice. But in your home? That's incredibly rude.

Good of you to refuse to answer. Silence is the only answer a snoopy question rates. That, or the insult direct ("Go to hell!" or something else that wouldn't be very ladylike to post ).

- Amy

[weezah]

Damn, that's crap. If coming out isn't an option, just lie.

You can say the clothes belonged to an ex and you were embarrassed about it. You didn't want to initially answer your moms questions because of your embarrassment because its kind of creepy to keep that much clothes from an ex. You should also let your parents know that it was not OK for them to snoop around no matter the reason. That is if you haven't already told them

[Aubri]

Weezah, you beat me to it.

I personally would feel extremely awkward and would be mad as Hades about the snooping. But this is a time when you feel like you're backed into a corner and don't know how to get out. You only have two options: fabricate and buy time, or blow the door off the closet and pick up the pieces.

[Stephanie47]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

[Rachel137]

This is crazy!
Tell her it is none of her business. She has a lot of nerve searching your place then interrigating you about what she found. Oh yeah the old "I was looking for a pillow routine"
Really!!!!
This makes me mad!
Oh and dont purge. Just store your things away. Oh if I only had the wonderful things I have thrown away.....

[Alice B]

At minimum I feel you should tell, scold, your mom for going thru your room. There is no excuse for such behavour. The elephant that has been placed on your back is not going to get any smaller and may gain weight. Tell her the truth, away from your brother and make it clear to her that this is not something to be spoken of again, to anyone.

[Lorileah]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

[Rhonda Ann]

I have to agree with most of the others, I would lie. I would first talk to your mom in a calm and civil manner and let her know what she had done was wrong and would appreciate it if she would respect your privacy. For an explanation I would tell her you had a girlfriend and that you have remained friends and you were allowing her to leave some things there until she could find a place big enough to store her own things. That's not worded very well, but when/if you talk to your mom it will come out right. Just an idea

[Rachel87]

Wow, thank you very much for all your replies! I wasn't expecting so much response.

I totally agree with all of you. I am entitled to my own privacy. I had a lot of trouble with parents for this in the past. On their last visit, my mom decided it was a good idea if she cleaned my bedroom for me. I told her not to, and she felt hurt and all that, in her mind I think it was as if she was offering a good gift to me and I was refusing it, which should be very rude. Anyway, one day I was at work, she decided I would be very happy if she cleaned it, even after telling her not to. I wasn't quite expecting that, I had a much smaller stash back then, which luckily went unnoticed. I was very upset and all that, it got very nasty, she said she would go back home saying i wasn't happy to see them. I never got to convince her she was wrong, whenever I touch the subject she will be very hurt. Nonetheless, she at least promised she wouldn't touch my stuff again. But she entirely failed to keep this promise, I should have been more careful... At the same time I didn't have anywhere else to hide it. To make matters worse, they are coming a long way to see me, long as in 6000 miles away (it is a long story about how both me and my brother ended up at the same distant place). While I appreciate they coming this far, it only makes it easier to hurt them consider they had a significant effort to come this far. Also they are my parents and I don't want to hurt them... I also believe that the search for a pillow was honest, she just don't understand why I need privacy, whenever i tell her that there are things I don't want them to know, she just say "what could that possibly be?", "well, the fact that I crossdress for example" is what i think =P. So I want the least hurtful way out of this mess.

Lying is not a good way out at this point, a fake gf would only raise further questions to which i would have to lie again. Yes, they would want to know everything there is about this gf... And I'm a terrible liar... And my mom is just the kind of person that loves to scrutinize everything.

I think my approach will be not to say anything, just ignore the elephant in the room, and hope the 3 weeks will go by as fast as possible. Which is usually the only thing that remotely works with my parents. I don't feel like talking to them about it at all.

-Rachel

I'm 25, and I have a job that pay all my bills, I'm completely independent. I can even afford to live by myself, which I was already planning on doing so for some time, it looks like it is a good time to make that plan happen.

@Lorileah, thanks for the speech =), that really sums up what I should tell them. I just don't feel comfortable doing that now, maybe in a few days...

[becky77]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

So true you could have been writing about my own mother. Made life growing up very difficult I couldn't own anything, she would hunt it out, snoop through everything out of pure noseyness. To think she would do that in my own home!

Rachel I feel so fed up for you, that intrusion is beyond rude. You need to stand up and face her down with which of these is the greater misdemeanor, you have gone into mother-child mode but you are in your own home and you are an adult. Do not stand for it, take the initiative start of by berating them for their outrageous abuse of your hospitality. Then maybe just tell them they have no right to question you on something that you have kept secret in your own home, and unless they realise they are bang out of order and wish to treat you with a little respect you will tell them nothing. They will fear the unknown more than the truth.
It's a horrible situation because you have chosen to keep this secret and someone who you should be able to trust has betrayed you basically, I find that very hurtful. Be strong remember you have done nothing wrong here.
If they don't like the answers then they shouldn't have gone spying.

Please don't let them make you feel bad enough you start purging and self hating, that will just hurt you even more in the long run.

I wish you all the best.

Becky

Wow, thank you very much for all your replies! I wasn't expecting so much response.

I totally agree with all of you. I am entitled to my own privacy. I had a lot of trouble with parents for this in the past. On their last visit, my mom decided it was a good idea if she cleaned my bedroom for me. I told her not to, and she felt hurt and all that, in her mind I think it was as if she was offering a good gift to me and I was refusing it, which should be very rude. Anyway, one day I was at work, she decided I would be very happy if she cleaned it, even after telling her not to. I wasn't quite expecting that, I had a much smaller stash back then, which luckily went unnoticed. I was very upset and all that, it got very nasty, she said she would go back home saying i wasn't happy to see them. I never got to convince her she was wrong, whenever I touch the subject she will be very hurt. Nonetheless, she at least promised she wouldn't touch my stuff again. But she entirely failed to keep this promise, I should have been more careful... At the same time I didn't have anywhere else to hide it. To make matters worse, they are coming a long way to see me, long as in 6000 miles away (it is a long story about how both me and my brother ended up at the same distant place). While I appreciate they coming this far, it only makes it easier to hurt them consider they had a significant effort to come this far. Also they are my parents and I don't want to hurt them... I also believe that the search for a pillow was honest, she just don't understand why I need privacy, whenever i tell her that there are things I don't want them to know, she just say "what could that possibly be?", "well, the fact that I crossdress for example" is what i think =P. So I want the least hurtful way out of this mess.

Lying is not a good way out at this point, a fake gf would only raise further questions to which i would have to lie again. Yes, they would want to know everything there is about this gf... And I'm a terrible liar... And my mom is just the kind of person that loves to scrutinize everything.

I think my approach will be not to say anything, just ignore the elephant in the room, and hope the 3 weeks will go by as fast as possible. Which is usually the only thing that remotely works with my parents. I don't feel like talking to them about it at all.

-Rachel

Sorry Rachel just need to address this quickly.
Stop taking the blame!! I have had a lifetime of this from a very very similar mom, it's basically emotional blackmail and you have become so used to it that you can't see the woods for the trees anymore.
I don't doubt your mom loves you but she is controlling you, she most likely can't let go of her children. Until she sees you as an adult you will forever be apologising everytime you 'hurt' her because you didn't do what she wanted.
It's fantastic they came 6000 miles to see you and i'm sure you had your reasons for moving that far. But that isn't a reason to lie down and be trodden on. There is no point lying, they already know it's all about how to deal with it now.

All the best

Becky

[Rachel87]

Thanks Becky for both replies!

I never had problem standing up to myself. They were against so many decisions I took along my life, but I stood for what I wanted and I regret nothing. But you get tired of that on every hard decision, they only make them harder. So I chose not to get my parents too involved with my life. It has been working ok with these occasional incidents. But before it was about easier issues such as career, studies and relationships. But dressing is something I don't feel comfortable to bring to my parents. Well, we will see, I will give a few days, that usually helps clearing my mind...

[AllisontheGoddess]

I also agree, it was in your own home and you're completely independent --so I don't see how they have the right to question your living style , especially under your own roof =/. I think you did the right thing by not saying anything and meditating instead of giving an un-thoughtout response.

[Julie Gaum]

Rachel: You will keep procrastinating and find excuses for why you are lieing until their visit is ended. It isn't because you are not sincere in that you don't want to hurt them but you have years of emotional baggage that you're not able to shed. In age and in your ability to financially survive you have arrived at adulthood but until you can sever the mother-son knot this difficult situation will continue on their next visit and all the communication in between. Sooner or later you must face the inevitable. Perhaps on the last day of their visit summon all your courage to use Lorileah's words as a guide. This may be the hardest decision but you have no other options to set you free for until that time you remain their child.
Julie

[Cheryl T]

Come clean and also tell them that this is your home and you can do what you please in it. If it's not something that they can accept or are at least willing to listen to you about then perhaps it's best they leave. It's not acceptable for them to interrogate you about what you do in your home.

[Sandra bailey]

Rachel I think your right to say nothing, you should not have to explain your life to anybody don't be badgered into a discussion then you won't have to lie. You could say that when you start a long term serious relationship with a girl you will let them know this will make it seem like their has been a short term girlfriend but you won't be actually lying and saying their has been a girlfriend. Then you must decide in your own mind that the matter is delt with and closed then you can enjoy the rest of your parents stay.

[BRANDYJ]

I feel for you Rachel. And I agree with much of what's been said. I also agree that lies are never good. But maybe sometimes they are a good way out of what would be an embarrassing situation. My opinion is, if you can find some alone time with just your mom, you can first tell her how upset you are that she was looking in places that are off limits to anyone, including her. Everyone, including your mother has a right to their own space and privacy. How would she feel if you snooped in her purse or her own bedroom closet or drawers? She would feel violated just like you...Ever if she has nothing to hide. Next let me remind you that she is your mother. Most mothers can and will love their children regardless of any shocking lifestyle choices they make. So perhaps you can muster up the courage to explain it all to her. Maybe while doing so, hand her a good article off the Internet that explains crossdressing in a way she may accept and understand. Especially articles designed to help parents accept and understand this from their children.
If you simply can't do it for whatever fear or reason you have. I have a logical good answer to whom the clothes belong to. Yes, it's a lie, but I think it's best in this case if you can't tell your mom. She will always wonder if she does not have a good reason why she found all those clothes in your closet. I'd lie about them belonging to a female friend that just moved out of her apartment and needed a place to store her excess clothes since her new place is smaller with less closet or storage space. You can even say that you helped her move and when it came to putting the box or boxes of clothes into her apartment, there simply was not enough room, so she asked if you could store it for a while. Ok, again it's a lie, but it's believable, logical and understandable. I think it's better than leaving her, or the rest of your family thinking the worst. That should make it a non issue.

[Kate Simmons]

They should respect your privacy if you are old enough to be out on your own. Talk about being possessive. You need to tell them where the bear shit in the buckwheat and to back off. If they cannot respect that then so be it.Nothing I hate more than nosy people, especially relatives. You need to be assertive with this or it's really not your life Hon. That is my take on things since you asked.

[kristinacd55]

[QUOTE=Rachel87;3055990]I'm 25, and I have a job that pay all my bills, I'm completely independent. I can even afford to live by myself, which I was already planning on doing so for some time, it looks like it is a good time to make that plan happen.

First of all Rachel, yes they should be respecting your privacy so putting on your big girl panties and moving out sounds like a good idea if you can afford to. Second, if you feel you're ready to, tell them you're a tg....even one of them by themselves if you feel you'll have a more sympathetic ear. I know it's hard, but after you do it ultimately you'll feel a lot better about the whole situation and the acceptance of who you really are. Take it from a pro.....keeping all this hidden will screw up your life later on and you're still young. Don't be afraid to be Rachel!

[Angela Campbell]

I would not lie to them, nor would I have offered an explanation to them. I would have told them that while under my roof They will respect me and my home and act like visitors. If pressed about something they found while snooping I would sternly tell them it is none of their business. Then I would pick up my mothers purse and start going through it just to show her how it feels.

[jillleanne]

Three weeks??????? Are you kidding me????? I'd be getting them a hotel!!!!!! Get out of my space people!!!!!!! Asfor how to reply, just do whatever your head and heart tell you. We all do things differently and only you can decide when and where you will accept who you are and let the world in on it. One thing for sure, sooner or later, most of us will be outed one way or the other; no surprise here.

[linda allen]

Regardless of what your parents do or say to you and regardless of what you say to them, they and your brother will always be family and will always love you, unlike a wife or girlfriend who might leave a crossdresser.

It might be difficult for a while but it's not like starting over after several years of marriage as some folks here have had to do.

[Sally24]

Knowing you have this kind of family I would invest in some locking luggage or get a chest/footlocker and put a padlock on it. If your Mom can't help herself then you have to prevent her from doing it. If you get your own apartment then I would also have a locking closet for your things.

[alwayshave]

Three weeks??????? Are you kidding me????? I'd be getting them a hotel!!!!!! Get out of my space people!!!!!!!

I agree. To paraphrase Ben Franklin: House guests are like fish, after three days they stink.

[bobbimo]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

Brilliant Lori! Thats the best advice I've heard about this issue ever.
Merry Christmas
Bobbi