Denying who they are...

[Iloveacrossdresser]

Hi, It's been a long time since I have been on here...but I'm not sure what to do...I love my husband very much and even though sometimes I struggle with him cross dressing, I'm getting more and more at ease with it. What worries me is that he tells me he wants to dress sometimes, but that he feels bad and gross when he does so he is not dressing at all these days. I hate that he feels he needs to deny part of who he is. When ever he mentions dressing I tell him that its ok, and that he does't need to feel bad, cause it is perfectly healthy and ok, but I feel so bad! What can I tell him, or do to make him see that it is ok ? I want to love ALL of him.

[Jenniferathome]

You are doing all you can and more than most. Keep talking about it and he may come to grips with it sooner than later.

[AmyGaleRT]

Is your husband a member of this forum? If not, is he willing to sign up? It might be that he still has residual guilt issues over needing to dress. He might benefit from being around people who can tell him that it's okay to be who he is, that the desire and inclination to dress is nothing to be ashamed of, that it's actually a gift.

It's heartbreaking, you know? Because you are so accepting of him. So many CDs out there don't have that kind of acceptance from their SOs, though they desperately crave it. I'm one of the lucky ones; my fiancee is as accepting as you are.

If he were here, I'd tell him: "Hi! I'm Amy (at least on this forum). I am a crossdresser, just like you. In fact, right this minute, I'm wearing a pink floral print dress, a bra, panties, and silicone breast forms. And I have a ladies' engagement ring on my finger, and barrettes in my long hair. Do I feel 'bad' or 'gross'? No. I feel perfectly comfortable and happy (and I do feel quite feminine just now). I know what I am, and I know how I feel. And I know it's okay to be like this. I am doing nothing wrong. I am hurting no one. I'm not indecently exposed; this dress is actually quite modest, and I would have no trouble walking out the front door wearing it. (If only it weren't so darned cold out! ) I'm not even offending my fiancee; she accepts what I am, and has no trouble seeing me like this. I'm no different from you. The same things apply to you. If you want to slip yourself into a dress, or some pretty lingerie, or whatever item of female clothing suits your fancy...do it! By feeling 'bad' and 'gross' about doing it, you're only hurting yourself. Your wife accepts you like this; she is okay with seeing you dressed as a woman. Do you know how incredibly lucky that makes you? Do you know how many other crossdressers there are out there who don't have accepting SOs, and would kill and die to be accepted the way you are? I've seen story after story, and my heart aches for them every single day. But you don't have that problem. All that's holding you back is you. So why beat yourself up over it? Own it. Hold your head high and wear that dress with pride! Accept who and what you are, and you'll see that it's quite enjoyable. See where it takes you. Come join us here, and hear from literally hundreds of CDs just like you and me. But, like Morpheus said, I can only show you the door; you have to be the one that walks through it."

- Amy

[Iloveacrossdresser]

That brought me to tears, he joined...made one post but I don't think he has been on since. I'm going to encourage him again to try the forums out and I will also show him what you just wrote, because it was fantastic.

[artofbalance]

I was in his shoes. My wife accepts me for who I am, but it took me a long time to come to terms with it. What Amy said is right on though! I'm not sure I can really add too much more to it.

[Nanaya]

Indeed, he's a really lucky person. And I do know how he feels. Sometimes it's hard to accept oneself, so it's not rare that people think others don't accept them either. Just keep encouraging him and being by his side!

[Marissa]

Wow..for what ever fears he/she feels.. she is indeed lucky that you are there to hold her hand..for assurance, guidance.. and hopefully one day..acceptance.. at what ever level she wants or can be.. if dressing makes her feel nice..and you see that..and share that.. wow.. lucky for both of you..you get to see the smile that it brings..and she..well feels accepted.. that is what most of us want.. I do hope she sees that its okay.. to share and to be 'yourself'..

I am jealous, but more so, I'm happy that one has a person like you who accepts and wants the best for one you love.. that is so nice.. I hope she comes here and is inspired by others to be herself.. that is one of the biggest steps to take.. thank you for sharing your story and hope all the best..

Hugs,
Marissa

[MonctonGirl]

Understand that males have a lot of psychological programming that makes us uncomfortable to show any weakness and for many of us CD's that is us letting out that weakness and experiencing nice stuff and "feeling" a certain way - and we then can be ashamed of ourselves because we have been conditioned by society to be totally the opposite of what mental state he needs to be in to enjoy crossdressing. He is probably dealing with the "I need to be a MAN for my wife, I can't believe I am not being THE MAN ... gotta be the man" thing which is ruining it for him.

So here's what to do:

Ask him if he'd like to go on a vacation OUT OF TOWN ( out of Province is better ) where you and he both can do some shopping - people will assume it's all for you - and then you can both get ready to "go out" together ( whether you really do go our or not is up to him ) in the town where nobody knows either of you ... and maybe he can turn you into a lesbian.

Or better yet ... just TAKE HIM ON THAT VACATION and don't tell him your plans ( secretly pack any of his fem stuff he'll want to have there )

and yes ... do mention the lesbian part *wink*

[Cheryl T]

Time, patience and talking.
When I first came out to my wife and she was ok with it she told me I could dress whenever I wished. I would, but I would call her at work and tell her I was so that she would not be shocked when she walked in the door. I was still nervous what she would think/say/not say. After a bit she told me it wasn't necessary (I was just trying to be respectful of her) and now over time I've gotten past that and it's fine now.
I also didn't want her to see me in the between stages, just either dressed or not. Now we dress together, help each other select outfits, help each other with makeup and all those hesitations are gone.
It takes a little time...and lots of talking and support. Most of us have been alone in the closet for so long we're not used to being around others when we dress and it's something of a struggle for us to relax to.

[Joanne f]

It can take a man quite some time to accept that it is OK to have a feminine side and even more time to show it by dressing in front of their wife/so , it can become an odd plus/ minus thing within ones head , the plus side is the dressing which makes you happy the you hit this minus thing where you feel very uncomfortable dressing in front of your wife/so , so that is the barrier that you have to try to understand and how to help with braking it and I personally think that it is best not to make a big thing of it but small comments will go a long way as to easing his mind on what you are happy with , it will certainly do no harm when you think that he is in the mood for it to just say something like ," would you like to put something on now or today " or even ,"it would be nice if you put something on today" which would give him the impression that you are happy for him to do so and if he does decide to dress a simple comment like ,"you look nice" and leave it at that go's a long way to build up his confidence to dress in front of you , but these are just suggestions as you know your husband best .

[Celeste]

I too am glad he started up on the forum.If he comes back here often enough,he will see how many cross sections of society cding really touches and that it doesn't have to mean anything about your sexuality or your performance as a man.Personally, I feel it's relearning what we are taught as kids(all parents want their kids identifying with there anatomical sex)..that was acceptable then,but people and times change and I had to learn how many thousands of people are into this and how it did not effect them,their relationships,job performance or any aspect of their lives.

I found,it's ok to do this,it's ok to experiment with the levels of my experience.. and then ,put it away for another day until new ideas bring me back.This is so small considering the full scope of horrible things people do in society....we certainly do not have to kick ourselves for it.

[Ariamythe]

I was in his shoes.

... And now you're in "her" shoes! <rimshot>

Sorry, couldn't resist.

To the OP: How long has your husband been out to you? Honestly, I can relate to what he's feeling. I've felt skeeved out by these urges in me since high school (so, like, twenty years) and only very recently began to try understanding myself instead of rejecting myself. He's lucky in that he has an accepting SO like you. I'm probably months away from even telling my own wife.

I don't even know if this will work, but here's something that would probably help me out. I don't know the circumstances of his dressing or what you two do together when he's dressed, or if you do anything at all; but maybe what he needs is a day to feel normal as a she. Like, nothing sexual (though if it leads to something, more power to it). Just a day where you invite him to be her, do activities around the house as her, play a game, watch a movie, cook dinner together. Address him strictly as her, and do things that you'd normally be doing together if she were dressed as he. A little normalizing, in other words. Encourage her to be herself. Encourage her to wear casual clothing and kick around the house in tennies.

The reason I say this is that because I know for me, being "her" is something that's cut off from my life. I do it in little bits, in secret, and some of the revulsion that still lingers in me comes from the fear of being discovered and rejected. I don't even go near the windows when I'm indulging, for fear that I might be seen. These are powerful negative emotions and I know it will take a long time to scrub them away. If I had a day like that, it would feel soooo good.

[ReineD]

What worries me is that he tells me he wants to dress sometimes, but that he feels bad and gross when he does so he is not dressing at all these days.

Ask him if he felt this way when he dressed on his own, before anyone knew about it and if it's worse for him now, knowing that you or anyone else might be judging him? Ask him to not answer you right away, but just think about it.

If he gets back to you and says that it was easier to dress when he knew that no one else knew, ask him what you can do to help him learn to TRUST that you will not judge him or think any less of him.

[stephNE]

You sound like a wonderful wife. Keep talking to him and reassure him that what he is doing is OK. Its not gross, not sick, no laws broken. I hope all turns out good for the both of you. Steph

[Raychel]

I am sure that we all have struggled with this same very issue over the years.

We are brought up and taught to be teh manly men that society and everyone wants you to be.
But have discovered that we love womens clothes of have some other non-manly feeling inside
We have been taught that this is not something that should be let out and especially not
something that other people should see. So we have this HUGE internal battle going on all the time.

We like to dress all pretty in fine womens clothes, But we are taught something totally against it.
Until we get to the point that we really don't care what people think and totally accept ourself.
there will always be this struggle. The people in our lives, can say all day long that it is OK.
But until it is accepted from within, there will always be this battle going on in your head.

[kimdl93]

I think you're being very understanding, but maybe the two of you need to do something more. Perhaps plan some small things that he can do with you that will incrementally help,him learn to feel comfortable being dressed around you and at the same time learn to be more accepting of himself.

In cognitive therapy, they say its easier to act yourself into new ways of thinking than it is to think yourself into of acting. Your reassurances help, but in the end he has to practice being more and at ease.

[Kate Simmons]

I know from personal experience that this is something he has to work out for himself Hon, It has nothing to do with you. Once a person gets to the balance point with this, they no longer have these negative feelings and how they dress is totally up to them. He has to want to do it though for it to be effective.

[jayme357]

Having gone through similar issues, and in all honesty still struggle a bit, I believe for some of us there is another factor. My SO is very accepting and I regularly dress in her presence. My struggle is that deep down I know that having a choice she would much prefer that the crossdressing never existed. She is supportive because she knows it makes me happy, and for that I am most gratefull. The result is that I know I am disappointing her. No matter how supportive she is on the surface if she had her druthers I would not be wearing womans clothing. Yet she will bring home a little surprise - a lovely party top that she knew I would like for example. She doesn't like to talk about the perceived conflict since it just simply "is" and we have talked about it enough. When you love someone as much as I do the last thing you want to do is disappoint them. It is an issue I try to work on but I have not been able to escape it.

[Iloveacrossdresser]

Thank you ladies all SOO much, your advice is great, and whats even more fantastic, is knowing that I am not alone and neither is he.

To answer a couple things, I have know he dressed up since our very first date, 2 years ago. He was INCREDIBLY brave in telling me. knowing that keeping it a secret in relationships in the past, ended relationships, he wasn't going to do that to himself or others again. I didn't see him dressed up for a while later though, I think he knew I wasn't ready.

I refer to him as "him", mostly out of habit, not because I have an issue with saying "her" or "she" and also because he never refers to himself as a woman, not really sure what that all means but I'm getting there.

He started dressing up at a really young age like 5 or 6 and his whole family knew and never kept it a secret really, and he dressed up publicly occasionally when he was in highschool....but never since *other than under male clothes.* Dressing up when he was younger caused a lot of issues, being bullied and beaten, so I can totally understand why he stopped, but I know that he really wants too sometimes.

Him dressing up publicly honestly really scares me, and I feel really guilty about that. It's not that I won't support him if he decides too...but I'm scared that once more people know that its ALL they will see about him, and that he will come home hurt physically and emotionally.

He already gets abuse at work from his boss, who is also a cousin, that took care of him for years in a bad spot in his life, where the foster care system and his parents had failed. His cousin is a "manly man" and honestly a jerk! Constantly calling him gay, and buying "girl gifts" as gags for him. Like high heel shoe cake cutters, or little girl birthday cards...ARG how I would love to punch him out sometimes (I'm sorry). When he lived with his cousin, he wasn't allowed to dress up, and they would go through his stuff and throw things out
When we first started dating and I found out how his cousin was treating him at home, I got all of his Crossdressing stuff, and gave him half my closet so nothing would get thrown out and he had a place to dress ( even if he would only do it when I was gone). Little did I know it was the first step of him moving in :P

I just feel like I can't compete with ALL of the negative that had gone on for him. He was told for years that the reason he dressed up was because he had schizophrenia, which is ridiculous , and it was treated like an unhealthy symptom

[sometimes_miss]

It's something that never really goes away for some of us; as kids, we're taught that because we're men, we must always, always be strong; and that also means being able to resist temptation to do anything that might be perceived by ANYONE as 'wrong'. And, society reinforces that, almost on a daily basis, in some way. There's always someone out there that places 'blame' for stuff, real or imagined, on us. Lots of guys feel guilty for wanting to dress as girls, because we're brought up to believe it's wrong throughout our developmental years by our elders as well as all our peers. In fact, to behave in ANY way as a girl is always taught to us as something wrong. So it's no surprise it's a feeling so deeply ingrained into us. We gradually learn to live with it, and much of the time, the feeling goes away; but even a slightly askew glance from our SO can generate feelings of failure and guilt, whether it has anything to do with our crossdressing or not. I'd be afraid to suggest anything, I'll leave that up to the GG's in residence here. Just love and support him the best you can.

[Angela Campbell]

It is sad that society and even family have caused these emotional scars on us. Like your husband I was beaten up and treated poorly by the boys in school. Not because I dressed, they never knew that, but because I was not as tough, or athletic as they were and preferred to do things with the girls. I still feel uncomfortable around men and prefer the company of ladies. If someone causes me pain in my life I find a way to get them out of my life. I refuse to be abused because of something I was born with.

[Raychel]

Wow,, that is quite a story, He has had a pretty rough life.
First thing he should quit and get a new job. No-one should have to
ever go thru that sort of abuse, as a child, adult at work or at home.

Once he gets out of that abusive relationship and starts to build a new life with you.
Not only will he be happier, your relationship will thrive as well.
I hope you can stick by him and give him the emotional support that he needs.

[DonniDarkness]

Sounds like hes had a lot of negativity thrown at him over the years. Its going to take time for him to open up to you. Shame and guilt are powerful motivators, however they can be forgotten with love and communication.

Id say just continue to be there for him. Maybe a gesture from you when you you can sense hes feeling down about himself.....simple things...like a little earring set from Claires....or a makeup compact.....you know just a little bauble that says "hey, im here for you and i love you"....just something to remind him that hes not going to be judged. Trust me it helps.

Communication is also a very very important part to this. There was a time when i had a hard time dressing around my wife, had nothing to do with her, i was just internalizing my fears and it would make me so uncomfortable....Time and communication have brought me out of that state of mind.

Hope this helps,
-Donni-

PS. if you two ever have a question or need to talk im around just PM me.

[Ariamythe]

He already gets abuse at work from his boss, who is also a cousin, that took care of him for years in a bad spot in his life, where the foster care system and his parents had failed. His cousin is a "manly man" and honestly a jerk! Constantly calling him gay, and buying "girl gifts" as gags for him. Like high heel shoe cake cutters, or little girl birthday cards...ARG how I would love to punch him out sometimes (I'm sorry).

I think we may have found the root of the current issue here. If your husband is being actively mocked for dressing, and if he's as insecure about it as some of us are, that's definitely going to trigger a shame spiral. I know it would for me. Have you asked him if they've ben particularly asshole-ish at work lately?

[MsJanessa]

There are support groups in Canada (and the US) for married crossdressers and thier wives. Perhaps you can find one in your area and suggest you and he go to a meeting--they are usually super discete and very conscious of their members' need for privacy