How did you come to accept this about yourself?

[Rachel Morley]

How did I come to accept this about myself? If you're like me then in the beginning despite the fact I was one of the lucky ones and have an accepting and encouraging wife I still had not accepted my dressing for myself. I used to feel very guilty and tell myself all the time that even though I love expressing myself this way "it's not exactly what guys are supposed to do" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior? If your CDing is not hurting anyone else, where's the harm? The way I look at it is; ultimately, we are all going to die. No one gets out of this thing called life alive. Are we going to spend the small insignificant time we have on this planet being nice to ourselves or are we going to give ourself emotional stress .... and then die?

It took me many, many late night long conversions (with my wife) soul searching and getting to the bottom of what is important to me, in my life. Once you get to that point, there is no guilt anymore. In other words, you have to "find yourself", you have to take a long look inside yourself and evaluate why you think the way you do about your CDing. You are an important person. There is nothing wrong with being happy, and there is nothing wrong if it's you yourself that makes you happy, and believe it or not, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that are normally associated with women .... even (or should I say especially?) if it makes you happy!

[PaulaQ]

I'll answer these inline

Over the years I have become more and more accepting of my way of life, such as appearing as a woman, in many Gay Pride Parades since 1974

Arlene - I respect you and appreciate where you are coming from. I've been in exactly one parade, though, and don't want to repeat it. (Not for this!) I hate being noticed.

Seek out others like us and meet them in a group setting. It may be that after you get to know others like us you will start to realize we are all just regular people after all.

I'm in a pretty isolated area, I think, but yes, almostalady, I think finding others to talk with in person would probably help me. I live in a pretty remote, rural area though. I'm not so sure it'll be easy to find a support group. But I'll look, I guess.

But, Paula, you are not your wife so is it fair to her to think you know what she will think? Have you actually talked with her exactly about the things you have listed? Maybe you feel cursed but is it possible that cursed is not quite the right word? Maybe different, maybe challenged?

Thanks Laura, no, I haven't talked to her yet. That will come. I need to be able to explain this - and hopefully sound postive first. I am not expecting a very positive response. I don't know this will end our marriage - it is really strong. It will be a gigantic issue though, of this I'm sure. And on top of everything else that's weird about me, this may be too much for her to handle.

I've been "different and challenged" my whole life. I'm just tired of it, I guess.

I was sitting around at a weekend music festival, with this new more open mind when I realized that this thing was not my "addiction" that I needed to cure it was me, I am she. I am comfortable with that knowledge now and at peace with it.

Thanks AnitaH. As a recovering person, the seemingly compulsive behavior I engage in terrifies me. I'm glad you found a way to no longer feel that way about it.

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

Thanks Michelle, I'm not going to go down the road of substance abuse. I've been sober for over 20 years. The feelings from this are somewhat similar though, and scare me to death. (Sneaking around, hiding stuff - this feels EXACTLY like what I used to do in the bad old days, and I hate it.)

Yeah, I know - I have pretty common problems. I'm just feeling badly about them. I'll eventually have to tell my wife. I'm having a lot of trouble imagining how I'll really come out and interact with the world. I feel like the two sides of my personality are waging all out war against one another. It isn't much fun.

I also worry that my physical issues make this a stupid and pointless exercise. For example, I could go out and buy and expensive bicycle, and be really enthusiastic about them. Unfortunately, I will never be able to ride one again. Part of me worries that this will be my situation with dressing too -compelled to do something I can't really succeed at, and that society doesn't accept, and that totally upturns my life as it is now. For what purpose?

PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment.

Thanks underdresser. Yeah, I need to learn to accept this in myself. I've at least gotten to the point where I've accepted it ABOUT myself. But trying to accept myself is hard. As far as abuse, ridicule - I am certain that memories of this from my childhood are scaring me about CD. I learned not to care much about what most people think. (Mostly, although this is hard sometimes.) Mostly I'm worried about losing the few people I actually do care about. I am terrified of that.

Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it.

Thanks Amanda. BTW, you look nice - if people are gawking, it's because you look good, I'm sure.

Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior?

Thaks Rachel. It's hard, though, to escape society's expectations, even if they are mostly arbitrary, cruel, and stupid. (And mostly they are - oh and how.) Look, I have always been different. Growing up handicapped, I have always been different from others. Growing up, lots of other kids made CERTAIN I was aware of this. BTW, I'm sure my gender issues contributed to this a little - although they really didn't need to go looking for something subtle like that, I was a pretty obvious target.

I'm having a hard time processing being any more "different" than I already was. I guess I know now that I was always this way, or at least have been for a really long time. But the great part about denying this is that you can PRETEND that it just isn't an issue. "Hey everybody, I may walk funny, but otherwise I'm 100% dude!" Yeah, well, ok, that was a total lie. So now that I'm facing up to that - I am having trouble accepting, or even understanding, who and what I am, or what in the hell I'm even doing, or why. This just seems really absurd.

I appreciate everyone's stories, comments, advice, admonishments, etc. I appreciate the forum for letting me vent. It is obvious to me that I need to find peace within myself about this. But I'm not there yet... (You will note that I didn't say "rid myself of this." Based on everything I've read, and my own personal experiences so far - this is vanishingly improbable.)

I'm also sorry my threads are, well, kind of a bummer. I obviously should've named myself "Nancy Negative" or "Debbie Downer"!

Hearing from ladies who've resolved this in their lives really does help.

[Sallee]

A support group would help a lot. It helped me. like minded folks in this forum will help too.
I am still struggling also but the things I mentioned helped
Good luck we all know how tough it is.

[oliviall]

My story might be a little different than most... but I discovered Olivia in much the same way Max Eisenhardt discovered he was Magneto. Ok, that's a little over-dramatic, I was never in a concentration camp.

But she came out at a time when much of what we lose for who we are had already been lost -- and without the fear of loss, since the things to lose were already lost and could not be lost again, she has flourished, perhaps saved me.

And there have been many changes. I am more social, I get out more, I have things to be excited about. My ex-wife doesn't like me much but wants to go out with her, at least socially.

"May you live in interesting times" is meant to be a curse... be that as it may, its where I find myself now.

Olivia

[andrea lace]

Drugs and alcohol are a destructive force when abused.
Cross dressing on the other hand hurts no one. So I dress like a girl I enjoy this. When I dress up the reward center of my brain is stimulated or so I believe. Yes I am different to most but thankfully not on my own. The only time my dressing became destructive or negative on the lives of my family or myself was when I was hiding it. If I have the desire I go with it and it makes me a happier calmer person. The only negative aspect of cross dressing would be on my wallet/purse as it can get exspensive

[PaulaQ]

The only time my dressing became destructive or negative on the lives of my family or myself was when I was hiding it.

Thanks Andrea for the good thoughts!

I am worried about how this will affect my family. If my wife ultimately doesn't accept this - and I think that is pretty likely that she will not - it will be hard on my children. They are grown, but if I hurt my wife, it'll hurt them. The idea that I would disappoint them really frightens me, mostly because I am horrified at the notion of being selfish and self-absorbed, like my father was. I've managed to be the EXACT opposite of my Dad. (I hate my Dad - quite literally.) The idea that I could throw that away with my kids - I dunno. I can't bear that.

I also know you are right about not telling too though. It is a dilemma.

[Beverley Sims]

Simply, I have just gone along with the flow.
Done what I feel and wear what I like.
All this is done with a level of sensibility and decorum.

[SandraInHose]

Accepting myself as a CD? Not until the internet, which in my house, arrived around the year 2000.

I had been dressing since the mid-70's, and was so ashamed of myself every time i did it. I thought I was the only straight guy in the world who dressed up and masturbated, and even though I'd read a few Penthouse stories dealing with CDing I still felt I was alone.

Once the internet opened my eyes to the countless others who also was into similar things (and more), did I ever feel like maybe I'm not so odd after all.

A few years later when my wife discovered my secret, I was at least prepared enough to know of a handful of websites that made her realize I wasn't a 'total freak' (her words, not mine). Although she is DADT with my dressing, she does accept the fact that it isn't going away...ever.

[Laura28]

I think i finally accepted my dressing when i found this forum, i have always flirted with dressing on and off for as long as i can remeber. in the last couple of years the urge became stronger, maybe becuase i am older and the kids are grown, =i use to only really dress in the winter becuase i liked to shave my body for me being hairless makes me feel so much more femine, in the spring i would let it grow back and put away the clothes, but now my wife doesntwant the hair to come back and she doesnt want laura to go away either, this is a result of me reading post on here talking with others and finally tlking to my wife about how i really feel. so i would have to say i have finally accepted my girl side the day i joined this forum and met so many wonderful girlfriends.

[MysticLady]

I'm sorry if I'm being whiny - I'm trying to figure out how to like this about myself. Because I hate the thought of having another existential crisis. Why can't I just be normal?

Hi Paula
Don't be afraid of letting this beautiful and different part of you come out. Let her shine and enjoy all the fine feelings of her essence bewilder you. Sorry, I starting to get dramatic.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Paula
Don't be afraid of letting this beautiful and different part of you come out. Let her shine and enjoy all the fine feelings of her essence bewilder you. Sorry, I starting to get dramatic.

<3, Thanks MysticLady, That made me smile. Also Thanks Laura, Sandra, and Beverly.

Because this is all so new to me, I guess I get a little overwhelmed at times. I think I started this thread because I took my wife out to dinner Saturday night. We had a great time. I was in a suit, in full guy-mode, really enjoying my wife's company. I noticed the hostess, and realized that I was kind of wishing that I had an outfit like hers - a vintage 50's dress.

And I guess I started to feel kind of guilty about that - because on sunday morning, I started to think "what exactly am I thinking? Why am I going to put this wonderful woman whom I'm married to through what is surely going to be a trial for her?" I was scared too, because I don't understand what's happening to me yet, or where this is all going.

The support from all of the sweet, kind, and beautiful ladies here helps me a lot. I don't deserve you all, but I am sure glad you are here.

I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

[Rachel05]

Mine has been a long and tortured at times road to accepting me and who / what I am - I am a cross dresser and I like being a cross dresser

Easy words and yet for many of my 40 plus years of cross dressing there is no way I would have said that, not about me, oh no I wasn't a cross dresser, I used to wear ladies clothes for all sorts of reasons, sexual gratification, escape, any reason you like, but not a cross dresser, or perish the thought a transvestite, oh no no no no not me !!!!!!!

When in my teens I used to convince myself that I did it for heightened sexual gratification, so that was okay, well sort of okay, it used to make me feel better about me to think that, then as I grew older and into and through my 20's it was because it was habit, something that I had just done for all these years, through my 30's I begin to think maybe just maybe I do this because it feels nice, the sexual side had long since faded and by this stage I hadn't mixed sexual gratification and dressing for many years

Mid 40's after an illness I think I began to understand me more as a person in general and I started to really relax into my dressing, for me it was pure escape form my normal life, but I totally adored the experience now, this was pleasure pure and simple, no sexual feelings at all, just pure pleasure and happiness and relaxed

Now some ten years on from that, I wonder what all the fuss was about, I am different but that doesn't make me a bad person, my dressing harms no one, it makes me feel happy and it detracts nothing from those around me, I am a cross dresser and I am happy to be a cross dresser

Would I give it up now if I had the chance, no is the answer to that, why would I give up a harmless pursuit that I get considerable enjoyment from

Sat here typing this in my gorgeous silk nightie and feeling happy with the world

We all make our own journeys and some are long and harder than others, but we have to find that inner peace with ourselves at some stage, I am sad that mine took so long to find, but happy that I got there in the end - I am a Cross Dresser

[Danielle_cder]

It's been a long, strange, exciting, scary, road that is still unraveling for me. I was about 22-3 when I threw up my hands and said to myself there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I'm not hurting any one, I do this for me and I get great enjoyment out of the whole process. It is a great outlet, far better than going to the bar and wasting money on booze or doing drugs or stealing. I accept my cd life style, and any of those that choose to do it as well.

[sometimes_miss]

This certainly won't apply to everyone; but this wasn't random chance that I wound up like this. Part of it was planned; someone made me into what he wanted me to be, for his own purposes. Much later I learned that it was very probably done to him when he was younger, and he simply acted on the natural belief that if it was good for him, it was good for me as well. Of course it wasn't; but at that age, he wasn't able to know the difference.
When I learned that this wasn't going to end, I had to come to accept that my life was never going to be normal, ever again. There was no other choice. I could drive myself crazy with sadness, grief, and despair. Or I could live on, the best I could. I've found ways to enjoy the little things in life, even though everything I ever dreamed about when I was growing up, is simply no longer possible. I know I'm likely facing being alone for the rest of my life; with my family's record, that means possibly another 50 years. I don't know if I'll be able to manage it, but I'll do my best, and try to help other people. I've chosen a career in health care. I've saved lives. I've helped thousands of others. May that be my legacy, instead of it simply being ***, the crossdresser (which is all I would be known for if it did come out about my crossdressing). It's why I remain in the closet. Nothing good can come of my being 'out', at least in my life. I've suffered enough, I don't need any more difficulties in life. I've published my biography here on the writers forum, so that anyone can learn what can happen when you subject a young child to influences during developmental years. It can be irreversible. Hopefully, at least some people here will watch the children around them, and stop it from happening to at least one child. Lives are being ruined every day; one girl in four, and one boy in six is sexually abused as a child. Please, please watch the children. If there's something that looks fishy, please check it out. You could save someone's life, all it takes is to ask the question if something wrong is going on. The child won't tell you; abused children are the best secret keepers there are. So it's up to the adults to keep it from happening.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

I think this is a recurring theme for many on here, and can be part of what makes us do this, irrespective of the the major part of the urge. "I'm not allowed to be softer as a guy? OK, I'll be a woman!" Is how i think it plays out in a lot of guys heads. Not everyone feels that, but i think a fair percentage get that sort of conditioning in early life, and that is one of the responses.

[flatlander_48]

Not surprisingly, I guess I have a bit different slant on this...

The major hurdle for me was accepting what my view on sexuality was. Starting at 42, there was a lot of soul searching and thinking about what it all meant. As we all know, we get a ton of conditioning about how to be a man, the things that men are supposed to do and what we are supposed to feel (or more specifically, what we are NOT supposed to feel). So, when you start poking around with alternative ways of considering sexuality, you realize very quickly that you're in uncharted waters. All of this took quite a while to sort; lots of churning followed by lots of WTF's. Anyway, I was almost 50 by the time that I got around to sleeping with another man. For whatever reason, it didn't feel like a new experience. Rather, it felt like getting in touch with feelings from another time and place.

I started dressing at about age 55. Given how long the process was to sort out my sexuality, there wasn't much to crossdressing by comparison. I think that coming to understand that I was a bisexual opened the door, so to speak, to the notion of sexual minorities. I was used to thinking of myself in ways different from mainstream society, so it didn't seem like that big of a jump. And, even further, I have always thought of myself as "different" for whatever reason. Difference appeals to me whether it's how I look, the friends I choose, the car I drive or the things that I like to do for me. Crossdressing feeds that. It wasn't part of the original thought process, but it is like a windfall.

I think there are many things that make accepting ourselves difficult. I mentioned the conditioning, and that's a big hurdle. It's like setting down the rules. If you want to be a man (and why would you want to be anything else?), this is what you have to do. The role that we've been given is a very narrow line. Deviate from that line and people start to point fingers. So, contrasted with our role as men is the role of women. The problem is that if we sort of lean towards being "other than", it looks like it begins to encroach on the role of women. Note that they have also been conditioned to the role that they are supposed to play. So, if it looks like we're encroaching on them, what space is left? Because we have changed how we view ourselves, if has a pretty strong tickle-down effect for others.

[PaulaQ]

I think this is a recurring theme for many on here, and can be part of what makes us do this, irrespective of the the major part of the urge. "I'm not allowed to be softer as a guy? OK, I'll be a woman!" Is how i think it plays out in a lot of guys heads. Not everyone feels that, but i think a fair percentage get that sort of conditioning in early life, and that is one of the responses.

I know my Dad likely plays a role in my feelings about this. Dad brooked no sissies. Possibly I just like to blame stuff on him, though. I'd feel bad about that - but he deserved it anyway.

[JaytoJillian]

Acceptance was not a very long road for me once I figured out this is a part of who I am. I was able to accept who I am largely in part due to 1)Discovering (through this site and others)that there are many people like me. 2)The wonderful feeling that I get from being Jillian. 3)The way I am treated when out in public--I assume that with whom everyone I come into contact knows, but people in general treat me very well when I am out en femme. 4) The realization that life is much too short to spend it living how someone else tells me to and that when I am in my last days, I want to look back and say, "no regrets."

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, after dressing for 65yrs. yes I've come to accept this part of my life I really enjoy my Orchid time.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Jillian, and Thanks Orchid! Seeing others who are happy gives me a lot of hope!

[Frédérique]

Was it hard to for you accept your crossdressing / like this about yourself? If it was, how'd you come to accept it?

For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud. I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question. This means I never thought crossdressing was a problem of any kind, rather it was (and still is) a highly enjoyable undertaking. In many ways the emotional environment I inherited gave rise to crossdressing – I’m somewhat isolated and shy, so let’s see what we can do with my limited resources of “self.”

It was wonderful to realize that you can do THIS, although any investigation into the whys and wherefores of crossdressing only spoils the mysterious beauty of it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s better to accept crossdressing, or your newly crossdressed self, and simply enjoy the pleasure that comes along for the ride. It’s not, “What am I doing?” it’s more like, “Oh, you’ve never met ME, have you?”

[PaulaQ]

[COLOR="black"]For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud.

I'm very happy for you. Yeah, my first reaction on seeing myself fully made up, in a wig, with breasts in the mirror was that I was seeing my actual face for the first time in my life.

I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question.

I'm sure this is part of my problem.

[kimdl93]

I wish I could say that self-acceptance was quick and easy for me, but it wasn't. It took decades and finally some skilled help from a competent psychologist, before I was able to shed the ingrained self loathing and realize that it was OK, not a crime, and even a positive. I'm hopeful that the present and future generations are less burdened by societally imposed and needless guilt.

[flatlander_48]

I know my Dad likely plays a role in my feelings about this. Dad brooked no sissies. Possibly I just like to blame stuff on him, though. I'd feel bad about that - but he deserved it anyway.

Easy enough to do and I could say the same. However, barring any sort of criminality, folks were doing what was in keeping with their view of how things should be. In this context, it's a binary world: there are Men and there are Women. The roles and responsibilities are clearly defined (traditionally speaking) and that's how life went on.

Unfortunately the binary definition of things doesn't cover nearly enough. There's a lot of fuzzy space between the notions of Men and Women as well as outliers as shown by the data. If you believe in the binary construct, then it means that a whole bunch of folks have to be force fitted into one of the other. If you don't believe in the binary construct, it opens things up for the consideration of other ways to be. Just because this is how we've thought for the last few hundred years doesn't mean that's how it has to be for the next few hundred years.

[PaulaQ]

Easy enough to do and I could say the same. However, barring any sort of criminality, folks were doing what was in keeping with their view of how things should be.

The only thing I'll ever say in my Dad's defense is that he never really had much of a chance at being a decent human being. His father was a chronic alcoholic, and his mother an absolutely out of her mind drug abuser. He was just broken. That didn't, unfortunately, prevent him from being one mean motor-scooter. Unfortunately, my step-dad was arguably worse.

You have to take all that with a grain of salt though - I am an unforgiving person. It is a character flaw. Maybe Paula can be a better person than I've always been. /shrug