Kinda funny that this thread will be where I make my first post in about a year.
On to the topic at hand:
I discovered this forum via a google search because I had come to realization that I was at least a crossdresser. I wasn't entirely sure exactly what I was when I got here and it was my hope that perhaps I'd find some people that had walked down that lonely, yet paradoxically well-traveled road of doubt, shame, and insecurity. Surely my TV/TG/TS brothers and sisters would understand me right? After all, we all share the same common bond of looking, presenting, and (in the case of TS) even realizing that we in fact ARE the gender opposite of our anatomic sex. There should be that common camaraderie that we all see apparent in t.v. and movies where people who face a similar struggle band together for the common good of all. After three months here and at other forums this fantasy came crashing down in a hurry. I realized that the trans community is similar to just about any other community out there. You have your good people, your bad people, your know-it-alls, your weirdos (in a good way), your weirdos (in a very creepy, almost chaser way), and just about everything in between. In short, we are people first and just because we happen to share commonality of confronting our personal issues with our own gender identity does not mean that we will get along with each other swimmingly and we are just as likely to hate ourselves and others just as much as any other group out there. Case in point
An incident culminated in my leaving this forum when a certain well known TS here outright called me a $h3-male and told me to consider pornography because I was considering staying as a non-op, and further implied that is all non-op TS are good for. As horrible and blatantly bigoted as that person is, in her cruelty she did good that was unintended though I loathe to credit her for anything at all. I learned to get off of the computer and go out and live life. I have been living RLE and full-time as the woman I know I am for about a year now. Finances and other things have hindered my ability to really move forward with actively transitioning, however the experience has done things for me. I have learned how to be respectful and kind to my fellow trans community members, while at the same time giving them complete and sound advice about things like coming out to friends/family/coworkers/etc., and while I do not lie and give it to them straight, that harsh experience I received here also tempered me some. I have to remember that people are still human beings and just because I may have more experience than them does not mean that I have the right to look down at them or lose patience with them. I learned to take a middle road on things.
There are also other experiences that comes with being openly transgender/transsexual that you can only vaguely describe to people, but they cannot grasp until they go through it themselves. One of those things is to learn to not let your struggles become your identity. When I first came out, any trans-related humor instantly became offensive to me, I spent much of my time trying to censor and shut down others around me because my feelings were so fragile. In hindsight, the comments that made me leave here, while bad, are pretty much on par or lighter that for what I hear from people in real life. So it would probably explain why I took it so hard, instead of doing my typical palm showing and walking away. While gaining my RLE by living full time as a woman, I discovered that I am in fact TS, however the prospect of surgery scares me because surgery in general scares me. The idea of people taking sharp blades to some of my most sensitive body areas causes a fear in me that rivals the absolute disgust and hatred I have for the male anatomy I was given.
While I was here, I gave plenty of reasons why I may or may not have wanted SRS (all of them true), they were not at the root of my problem. My problem was that I was afraid and too chicken to admit it. Then of course there's that horrible thing that prevents anyone from doing the right and sure thing; doubt. It is a weird thing knowing that you need something, but your mind makes you second guess it anyways. I need to transition if I'm ever to remove that perpetual internal dissonance that festers in me, but I still get that fearful doubt of "but what if I'm wrong? What if this is just a body issue thing and I'm mutilating my body over nothing?" Doubt is an evil thing that hides behind the mask of caution, paralyzes any decisive action, and it takes a LONG time to actually conquer; if at all. I'm still not out of the woods on it. I still question all of my motives, even if I know that I have thought it through. I have made some considerable progress in that regard, even in the relatively short time that I've been getting my RLE, but I'm still a young padawan that has a long way to go. My personal experience with this is something I frequently share with other transwomen (transmen do not really contact me often, which is sad because I have a lot of love for them too) in hopes that they keep in mind the fact that just because they have doubts does not mean they are not transsexual, nor does it mean that they are. It simply means that they are afraid of something and they have to confront that fear if they are to move forward.
This ties me back to the main point; experienced TS should give facts and not opinions. Tell people the truth, but NEVER use it as a blunt weapon of malice. Provide people the information they need to move forward in a loving and accepting manner. Just because a person has truth with them does not mean that it is billy club to go whacking people over the head with because "hey, truth hurts right?" It sure does, and so does the aluminum bat that sits in the corner of my room. Just because I have it doesn't mean that I can pick it up and start batting for .300 to every Jane and Jill out there.
Having said that, saying nothing at all is misguided apathy, bordering on cruelty, and akin to sending someone blindfolded and with raw meat tied around their neck into a room of starving, man-eating junkyard dogs. The world out there is so harsh. Just the other day while going to my Political Science class, I was waiting for the elevator when two males (I find it hard to call them anything more respectful than that for reasons you'll see) that bluntly told me to my face that I was hideous and that I should consider going home and killing myself. As if that was not bad enough, fast-forward about 15 minutes when I went to sit down and listen to the lecture and the elderly black woman that was sitting next to me turned, looked at me with utter contempt and disgust, and moved away to sit at another table. Earlier this year I was at a music venue watching friends from several different bands performing with their respective band at a show when I was pulled aside by security and asked to leave. When I asked why, it was explained to me that neither he nor the owner wanted a man (me) using their women's restroom as there were young girls there and further implied that I was seeking entry to that restroom to gawk at them. (I used the restroom one time when no one else was in there)
These are the horrible things TS women have to face everyday. There is no escaping it if you plan to transition. You can hold on to that faux-rebel idea of "Idgaf what other people think of me", but wait until you have been told that people think you are using the women's room because you're a pedophile and want to touch young girls and we'll see how long the whole "don't care what other's think of me" will last. I can assure you that the utter disgust and humiliation will send you packing, and it's likely you'll cry your eyes out for days and not want to leave the house at all for a while after that. These are the things newly self-discovered TS people HAVE to know before they make that leap.
So to wrap up my essay-like response, take a middle road approach of being completely honest, but gentle with people. Make sure they have all of the facts and the knowledge of your personal experience, but temper that with kindness and understanding. Most importantly, encourage them to get off the computer now and then, to go out and live life, and try to gain some experience of their own.
