So I have been on a very enlightening and enjoyable year. It started as a dark and dreary episode of my life. I had lost my job, again. So I was back to trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up, again. The relationship with my wife was very up and down. We had our good days and our bad. Our relationship was kinda at a standstill so to speak. We had been together for about 11yrs and married for 10. She was not really liking living in Sothern California (I know, I know. How could you not, right/). She was getting home sick for the Bay Area. Now I’m from Hawaii. Yes I know, I love my home, but I can only be stuck on the rock for so long (Island Fever). I love the Bay Area too. So when my wife told me she was wanting to move back I was all for it. She had a great job but was not happy. She managed to get another job where we wanted to move to (wish I was that lucky) with an old boss of hers. So that made the decision easier.
We still had a few months on our lease left and couldn’t really afford to cancel it out. Longer story short, she moved to the bay area, staying with a generous friend. I stayed in Orange County. I was excited and a bit nervous. Because in all that time that we were discussing the move, I had begun to wonder about how I was going to spend my time. Now I have always known about who I am on the inside and out. My wife was told very early in our relationship and she has had various reactions and stances. She is currently in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” phase. And I am O.K. with that. Let’s face it, it could be worse. But she knows that it is much more than just the clothes. There have been a few conversations about how far I am going to take this. And frankly I really don’t know yet. But I am constantly trying to figure it out.
So here I am all by my lonesome. I was ok at first. I would spend my days figuring out what to get rid of in our apartment for the pending move. But I decided that I wanted to be Rachel as much of the time as I could. I would be dressed every waking moment that I had as long as it was indoors. If I had to leave for an appointment or an errand or whatever I would change clothes (but still underdressed). I didn’t do make up because at the time it always took me too long to put on only to have to take it off. As the days progressed I started to push my boundaries. I would wait till it was dark out and when the coast was clear I would venture out for a little walk around the apt complex. It became a nightly ritual and I was always anxious for night to fall. I was constantly running into people and my confidence grew. I was starting to feel comfortable being out.
I began to practice my makeup skills and was getting pretty good at not overdoing it. I was also at this point pretty much living 24/7 as Rachel. I had gotten to the point of being ready to break into the daylight. So I steeled myself and ventured out. Baby steps mind you. Going to get gas and various other things I could do without having to interact with others too much. The little contact I did have did everything for my confidence. No one cared. Or didn’t notice. Either way I was a very happy girl. I threw caution, no, I’ll say timidity to the wind. I was gaining confidence in my ability to present as the woman I wanted to. And as a result, I was able to do more things as Rachel. I didn’t realize it at first but the more I presented myself to the world, the more the world accepted me. As Rachel.
Part one of who knows how many, but I hope y'all stick around for the ride because it gets better!
PART II
So much to say and so much to sort out in my head. But, then again, we all have that going for us.
I was growing in my self confidence in leaps and bounds. I was venturing out more and more. Nightly walks around my apartment complex were the norm. I used to try and avoid running into people. But after awhile I just walked on by and if and when I was in the situation, eye contact and a little smile was all I needed to keep on with my walk.
Now I am not so naïve that I would think that everyone that I encountered in the beginning didn’t at least question just who it was they saw. But you know the more that I didn’t care what they thought, the more that I experienced that the majority of people just want to be accepted for who they are as much as we do. And as a result they weren’t all that phased by me or how I presented.
So I was out one afternoon checking my mail in sorta drab. I was underdressed as I had just come home from work. I only had a pair of ballet flats near the door as I went out and decided what the heck. As I am returning from the mailbox I run into my neighbor. Actually it was her big lovable basset hound “Charlie”. He likes me a lot. . His momma, Stevie (I know right? Very cute 20 something year old) and I had talked numerous times. Well me being in the pink fog that I was, I totally didn’t realize that I was wearing my flats. Well she noticed. But she didn’t say anything. Later that week I was going out on one of my walks. I just stepped out the door and off I went till I reached the bottom of the stairs. Now I am dressed in a plain blouse and peasant skirt. Very casual. And there she is Stevie. And Charlie. “Well I guess that explains the flats I saw you wearing.” “Want to go on a walk with me and Charlie?” And off we went.
I have to tell you. I was more than a little anxious. But it didn’t even phase her. I have found that not much does. So we got to talking like girls do and I, without any hesitation or reservations just let out my whole life story. She of course asked a lot of questions because she was genuinely curious. It was a wonderful walk. And we instantly became girlfriends. From that day on when we would see each other or just talk on the phone she always addressed me as Rachel. No matter how I was presenting. And not only is she great, but her boyfriend is as well. I think it has to do with the fact that he was raised by two lesbians that he was so cool about it. They are just as accepting as that big ole lovable basset hound Charlie. It’s amazing how animals just could care less about how your dressed.
Days and weeks went on with Stevie and I getting to spend more time together as friends and getting to know more about each other. When asked if she would help with my make up and hair she squealed “Awesome, my own real live Barbie doll!!!!!” And off we went. She would call me and say “ I have an idea on how I wanna do your hair. How soon can you come over?” I never the less took as much advantage of this as possible. Who wouldn’t? A normal friends relationship started with us occasionally watching each others pets and apts when we were out of town.
I started to feel like I was normal. Like, a real person. And as I look back on it. I finally realized that I was just being me. Without any reservations and without any worries. Not that I didn’t have them. I was constantly worried about who would find out. And how they would react. But with all that I had done in the last few weeks I decided that I was going to continue my life on my terms following my game plan. So I began the process of figuring out how to clue the rest of the world in on just who it is that I really am. And even with all the personal breakthroughs that I had accomplished, easier said than done.
End Part II ( I promise to not wait so long before continuing)
