Depressing setback with my wife . . . .

[KellyJameson]

I'm sorry Anne that you are now experiencing the added burden of a partner who does not support your transitioning.

I think it is human nature to avoid unpleasant truths when those truths come with unpleasant consequences.

By the sound of your wife's words she was accommodating you without understanding the gravity of gender dysphoria.

You are now experiencing the "push back" that probably your breast growth triggered.

The breasts along with the face have the most powerful emotional affect on people when touching their subconscious representation of womanhood.

In her fear and anger she has convinced herself that you are suffering from a delusion that you are a woman.

I believed myself that gender dysphoria was nothing more than a self inflicted delusion and that is why I fought it by resisting the constant complusion to change.

I'm sympathetic with your wife because she is facing the possible loss of everything but my fear is greatest for you.

Gender dysphoria is strongly affected by the world we live in and this world will increase the intensity of the dysphoria the more you are removed from living your actual gender.

Mine was always a dull unrelenting ache because I avoided living as a "man" through relationships that demanded me to perform these roles.

I avoided men and women who through their expectations locked me into a gender role that would be impossible for me to perform.

You did the opposite and stepped into the role of husband and this may actually have increased the GD leading you into depression and a form of living death where you go through the movements and performance of living in a numb state.

You live between depression and numbness with moments of happiness that almost resembles bi-polar and borderline personality disorder.

Living contrary to your internalized and felt gender identity will make you sick. I see no other possible outcome.

I have had moments of this experience and it terrified me to such a degree that I fled the relationship as if my very life depended on it without any understanding of what I was running from. I literally felt like I was being destroyed by the relationship.

Now I see I was fighting to protect my identity.

In my opinion you are in a very fragile state because you have been forcing yourself for years to live opposite who you really are. You have been struggling to assert your real and natural self (identity) as a woman while in the body and roles opposite of who you are.

You are living between two worlds pulling you in two different directions. The world outside you that you partake in as a "man" with all its expectations and the world inside you that knows this way of living is not natural to the self.

It feels like you are constantly under assault, constantly under attack as if the world is trying to murder you while leaving your body alive for its own use.

There is no "you" but a "tool" used by others.

You live in a constant state of war with no strength to fight, taking you from constant anxiety into depression and than back into anxiety.

It is simply not possible to live this way for long. Sooner or later something will break inside you.

Everyone is taking from you so you are living your life for others and this would not necessarily be a problem if it was not for the gender dysphoria.

When you are not living aligned between body and mind the worlds expectations will kill you.

In my opinion gender dysphoria requires you to act strongly for and in your own self protection.

Nature and culture has trained men to sacrifice themselves for love and country and if they do not they are cowards and not men.

This works fine in the world of cisgenders but you must remember you do not live in their world.

You can fight for country and protect those you love but you must not try to do it to support others image of you as "man" "husband" "son" "brother" ect....

Your wife is trying to push you back into a role that you cannot possibly perform without experiencing intense suffering.

No one will protect you when you are transsexual because you stand outside the system that cisgenders have built that serves their needs and wants.

You are attempting to step out of this system while still remaining a member of it but those who naturally belong to it will resent you for breaking its rules as the structure that supports it.

This is the loneliness of being in an extreme minority and why it is so difficult to leave the safety of the cisgender herd that adds to the torment of the transsexual.

You are constantly forced to make a choice between living in their world which creates suffering or living in your own world that is proper for you whose entry you pay with in the suffering of leaving the unnatural world you have been living in.

You pay in pain to escape pain. There is no other way.